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Sommer and Izzy:
My name is Susan Wagner; I'm a writer and mom of Henry, who is 6, and Charlie, who is 4. Henry has been diagnosed with ADHD and nonverbal learning disability, which may or may not actually be Asperger's Syndrome (Asperger's is a form of high-functioning autism). We live in a funny grey area at our house; technically, Henry is NOT autistic, but he has many of the characteristics of a child with an ASD. Nonverbal learning disability is NOT an ASD, but Asperger's is, and he fits both profiles. Henry was diagnosed when he was five, but we knew, long before that, that he was not following the "normal" developmental curve.
It's a complicated landscape.
Sommer, I am really impressed with what you have learned and with your ability to articulate your concerns about your son. And I will tell you this: my son is a wonderful child--he is smart and funny and creative--but he is not particularly affectionate, nor is he attached in the same way that my younger son (who is entirely neurotypical) is. And honestly, some days this is incredibly hard. But at the same time, Henry is interesting and engaging in ways that his peers--my friends' children--are not. Being his parent is different from what I imagined, but it is what it is and I love him.
My sons are older than your children, and we have lived with this for six years now; I don't know what I can offer, but I am here if you have questions or just want a sympathetic shoulder. I have written quite a lot about Henry and his diagnosis and how it has affected me and our family at Friday Playdate; my e-mail address is there as well. And of course I am here, at Minti.
It's nice to meet both of you. |
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hi susan
hi susan- it's nice to meet you, too, and thanks for the comforting words and encouragement. i will definitely keep you in mind if i need a source who understands! even my husband doesn't totally understand, but i don't blame him. he's a guy, and guys just think and feel differently, and he also lacks the maternal side of it- the connection that he'll never have or feel the lack of when it's dysfunctional. (but he tries to be supportive to the extent that he can and i appreciate it.) my son, zane, is doing well in speech therapy and we are meeting with an occupational therapist next week. i think the combination will be good. he is becoming more and more receptive to reciprocal communication and is almost-consistently recognizing other people around him when they speak to him, which he never used to do unless he needed something, and even then he wouldn't usually make eye contact (even with my husband and i). there are some really unique things about him that i just love, like his animated personality and energy. he's also starting to imitate, which he hasn't done much of thus far- which is VERY behind schedule for being 23 mos. i love it when he tries to imitate the sign language of the Happy Hands Club on Napoleon Dynamite- cracks me up.  he is a gift and i know i was meant to be his mom and he my child, and i'm grateful. bad days and good, it's all just life's process!
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hi susan
Sommer, I think you are right about men not seeing children the same way as women. My husband--who is a TERRIFIC father and devoted to our sons--was skeptical of my theories about Henry. On the day that H was officially diagnosed, he looked at me and said, "You knew all along and I didn't listen to you. I'm so sorry."
I think that, as mothers, we are programmed--biologically culturally, whatever--to watch for quirks in our children. We live in a society that encourages us to compare our children to their peers and to use those comparisons to measure our own success, and while this isn't a good thing in general, it does give those of us with unusual kids a way to see the differences. But I don't think men do this. I'm also at home full-time with my sons, so I was able to watch Henry interact with other kids his own age, and I could FEEL that he was different. My husband just thought Henry was Henry and all kids were like him.
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