Family Funnies

There were two muffins in a muffin jar and one muffins said, "Wow! Its so hot it here!" to which to other muffin said "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"

 

Wife walks into kitchen where her husband is making coffee, asks, "How ya going love?"

Husband's cheerful reply, "Great sweetie! Just killed three male flies and two female flies!"

"How could you tell what they were?" asked the puzzled partner.

"Easy!" said hubby. "Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone!"

Har. Har.

 

One day little johnny goes to the teacher and says
Johnny: “Miss Can I Go To The Toilet?”
TEACHER: “Yes but first you have to say the alphabet”
So He Says the alphabet.
Johnny: “A b c d e f g h i j k l m n o _ q r s t u v w x y z”
TEACHER: “Where is the P?”
Johnny: “Its Running down my leg, Miss”

Got this email and thought i would share it as it was quite funny, hope it gives you a laugh

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid) ____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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What to do during a flight when you have an annoying passenger sitting next to you ...

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven ;

7. Take a deep breath and open the site: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you

if the vid doesnt work heres the link

http://www.snotr.com/video/2630

I think she is ADORABLE

 

What love means to 4-8 year olds!!!]‏ 

These words are so beautiful,

we all need more of this in our lives each & every day, so
please read them all & enjoy the thought & good feelings
that i felt as i read them & send them to you with thoughts
of love to you,
 
Wow….this just made me cry…
 
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth
it.? Touching words from the mouths of babes.?
What does 'Love' mean??
A group of professional people posed this question to a
group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean?'? The
answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could
have imagined. See what you think:
 
  
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when
his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca- age 8

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their
mouth. Billy - age 4
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Karl -
age 5
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of
theirs. Chrissie- age 6
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Terri - age 4
----------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
 'Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste
is OK. Danny - age 7
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they
kiss' Emily - age 8
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'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you
stop opening presents and listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
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 'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with
a friend who you hate,'
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Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
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'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he
wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7
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'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who
are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
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'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy
waving and smiling.
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He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
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'My mummy loves me more than anybody
 You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
'Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
---------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------
 
'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford. Chris - age 7
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day Mary Ann - age 4
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'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all
her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones. Lauren -
age 4
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'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you.' (what an image) Karen - age 7
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't
think it's gross. Mark - age 6

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'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica - age 8
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And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring
child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his
wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the
little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
  
i thought this one was really cool so i thought i would share it with you all. 

 latas lamb101
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
var PS = "96690";

Got this email this morning and thought it was funny

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
Microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
Teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
er mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
With the boys?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

a bakery  was having a free food give away comp, buy something  and see if u have won.

this woman comes running is  screaming "i won a car i won car"  the man behind the counter turned to her and said " sorry you havent won a car we only giveaway free food.

the woman looks at him and says "no its says here iv won a car" 

"show me the wrapper" the attendant asks

the woman hands it over and say "see its says won a bagel"

sad i know