adoptive and step parenting » Group

I am a stepmum to a boy of 10 years old.  I would like to hear how other mothers of second families cope with being a step parent.

I met his father when the child was 1 year old.  THe breakup was very nasty with the mother withholding contact of over 6 months until the family court stepped in a set out a contact schedule.  The mother and her mother and grand mother constantly made horrible comments about the father in front of the child throughout his toddler years, how do I know this, imagine what you would think if a three year old told you he hated his father because his mum, Nana and Grandmother hated him.. that is just one example.  So his relationship with his father is there but strained, he doesn't hug him or show any real affection.

How as a step parent do you cope with the nastiness that comes from a seperated family.

 

It has been awhile since I popped in so I thought I would and I thought I may even say something... But what????
All is going well except that my step daughter is not doing well at school..  Her best subject is English...  But that I suppose would be because for the last seven years she has been listening to her father and I speaking it.. (She speaks only French) I am sure she understand more then she lets on. If I don't want her to understand something all i have to do is speak really fast and use Aussie expressions that my husband understands and there is not many of those... LOL

Other then her schooling things are going well... Mind you she is 11 years old now and is at that stage where she into boys and skateboarding, so really does not look much like a little girl unless she takes off her cap and puts her hair behind her ears so you can see her face... This is something I have had to have a word to her dad about.... Her father is always talking about her new so called look.. LOL   I have told him to stop harping her about it because she will get upset.. I believe this is one argument that we just won't win... We can tell her to brush her hair as much as we like, or mention that it would look nice one way then another... But her dad is always saying she needs to get it cut.. Her mother is a hairdresser and it upsets us that she is not always the best at it.... But as long as Cam is happy with then so be it...

The only time we ever win, is when she really looks daggy (as I did so many times as a kid and have the photos to prove it)  I just say let me take a photo so I can show you in a couple of years.. Then before I can find the camera she has gone to change... Then I give her a little smile and she gives me one back and I say, so you believe me then...  Sometimes I think she knows that she might not match up exactly but she loves her cap with every thing, and her skateboarding shoes if she could wear them with her dresses she would... :)

I am surprised this site is not more active!! Step parenting ( and of course adoptive parenting) is an amazingly important and challenging job and I find myself full of questions, doubts, moments of crowing success...etc etc etc every day!  You guys must all have it sussed!!! (Australian expression...means....sorted...or worked out). I was wondering if any of you have significant conflicts of parenting style with your partners and how you resolve this?  My husband would love to resolve it by leaving a lot of things to ME!!! ie...its all too hard, you're better at this than I am, I'll let you do all the work....
Of course the down side of that is that the kids want a relationship with DAD, not to be palmed off on me!!!
Anyone relate? Anyone got ideas?

Hi.  I am the biological mom of a 25 yo son, adoptive mom of 3 sons ages 12, 9 and about to be 9.  My 3 youngers sons have special purposes (needs to most people).   My profile, of course, gives a brief summary of "me".

I hope to receive support, friendship, advice and to be able to give the same.

Melody

Just thought I'd introduce myself. My name is Lavinia and I'm a mother to 4 children, 2 oldest from a previous marriage and 2 youngest are my late husbands (Nigel). I spent 4 1/2 years in court with my hubby and his ex-wife over custody issues (we won!!) and then another 6 months in court after my husband passed away. I had to fight to keep custody of the two youngest. Its just a good thing I kept EVERYTHING I had on her, journals, dates, drug habbits and so on....I have raised the two youngest for most of their lives and althogh I did not believe that their mother was capable of having them I have encouraged visits all the same. I supervised access visits, otherwise it would have cost her too much and taken too long through the right channles....Now their mother is clean and has been for 2 years...the children are now going to live with her....she hasn't many years left to be able to do the whole mothering thing like she wants too as the youngest is 12. That has been the hardest thing that I've had to do....give them up.....but, it's not about what makes life easier for me, and what I want, it's about what is best for the kids and what they want to do....and they need/want their Mum. Anyway, that's my story...the short version....

Hope to meet/talk you all soon.....

Just wondering if any one here has had to go though court to get custody of their step child/ren. If so how did it make you feel when it first started and if you were able to get custody what did it mean for you when they actually came to live with you?

I am about to go though this. I am not sure if she will end up living with us, it is still early days yet, I am somewhat scared a bit although I can't figure out why and at the same time I am extreemly excited. I don't want to get to excited just in case it does not work out the way we wish...  But I will keep you all posted.

Just to throw a question out there. . . anyone with biological kids as well as adopted or step kids, how are they with each other? Is there any confusion? Resentment? Protectiveness? Do they get along like clams? And if so, what have yo done to encourage this?

Hello everyone, Just a little about me for starters...

I have a step daughter who is now 10 years old. I met her when she was four. We had a lot of ups and downs, But now days there are a lot of ups... She still lives with her mum and comes to visit us every other weekend, two weeks at the end of July and one week over Christmas...  It is not enough but we make do.

When we met she only spoke French and I only spoke english. I speak french now, and I am sure after seven years of listening to myself and her father speak in English she knows more then she lets on so we now have to watch what we say if we are talking about Birthday or Christmas presents.

We still have issues every now and then, but mostly involving her mother... But they are easily delt with, annoying but we can deal with them. I usually stay out of most of the parental stuff when the mother is invovled, for example, school parent teacher interveiws, doc appointments, dentist bills. Things like that.. But I am there for every thing else that needs to be..

It has taken time but we have become very good friends, and when I need to be a little bit hard on her I still get the respect that she would give either her father or her mother... I sometimes wonder if I get a little to hard on her, and they are times I usually run to her dad and say "this is what happened did I deal with it the wrong way." ANd he always tells me Jess you are doing great... And if it was not for his suport on the way I was dealing with the situation I would have been at a total loss...   I mean here I was a back packer traveling the world and all of a sudden I was a wife and a step mum. And I never really had that much to do with Children before that...

We delt with it, and some times still deal with it. I had to learn when to step in and when to step out....

Any way thats it for now... Pleased to meet you all in here.. Looking forward to getting to know you..

 

The first time the little ones don't fuss when you leave or don't come running when you come home doesn't necessarily mean your novelty is fading - they are just getting confident that when you leave they can count on you to come back and when you arrive, well, that's where you are supposed to be. So if you feel a little pang of hurt, don't worry, it's actually a good thing!

Being a step-parent is like being a sandwich - there are a miilion different kinds. What kind of boundaries do you have in your family? Are more of a person that happens to live in the same house? A friend? A mentor? Is your relationship an antagonistic one? Are you the one that gets the short end of the stick no matter how nice you try to be? Or are you in a situation where the step is more of a little curb and you might as well be the biological parent? Or a little bit of all of these?

I came into the lives of our kids when they were pretty young, and because of mental health issues, their biological mom has never been very capable, so I have had to step into that role.