Thankyou EF, what a lovely post, and what are you doing about your lump?  I haven't read about it yet - time is limited for me online really :( one of these days I'll catch up with all my new friends.

You're quite possibly right - the grieving process can have us do some strange things.  At the moment I'm at a place where I am not to contact them (even Dad), Dad has been pretty terrible himself and I am just letting them be - I do understand it is hard for them, I don't understand what they are on about - telling people they dont' want to know me because I was a 'terrible teenager' - honestly thats what they're saying! UGH  It hurts, especially when I'm not even near them to defend myself, or for them to see who I really am.  They have held a grudge from when I was 13, and this is what they are telling my relatives.  Luckily some are in constant contact with me to tell me whats going on there, so I am hearing from afar.  They have told my brothers not to contact me too.. I don't know WHAT to think.  So I'm without a family - and I'm a single mum in a city that terrifies me - and I can't leave here because this is where my boys are happy and they can still see their dad.

On a downer today, but thankyou so much for your post.  I feel alone, and Christmas is just around the corner and after lunch, my boys go to their dads, and I'm alone for a week.  So festive - not :(