Today is my eldest son's 25th birthday
As you all know I have no contact with him, he refuses each olive branch I send him, but I have great hopes that one day ................
I had in my mind wanted to send a long message for his birthday reminding him of my love for him as his Mum, I've been planning it for weeks, knowing that he wouldn't respond yet dreading my reaction to not getting that response.
I was talking to my friend about it yesterday, (this same friend I am asking you all to vote for currently) he asked me to not write to Chris because he doesn't want me to get hurt
I have compromised, I couldnt let my son's birthday pass without acknowledging it but I kept the message simple. All I have emailed to him is this :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Love always
xxx
But I'm going to write here what I really would have loved to say to him, who knows one day, maybe we can log on together and read it through together too........
"My darling Chris
Its your 25th birthday, you are on my mind constantly, how could I not write to you today?
25 years ago today, afer a pregnancy of almost 10 months, yes you made me wait!!!! You arrived in my life
At 7.53 in the evening, you took your first breath. All 9lb 10 oz of you !!!! The midwife had already asked me is I wanted you placed on my chest immediately after delivery, I had thought of this a few times over the past few weeks and had always thought my answer would be..........Um can you clean baby up a bit first!!...........but no at the time of delivery, I could wait no longer, I wanted my child!!!! So as you entered life, the midwife placed you straight onto me. I looked into your eyes and fell deeply in love, you had the bluest eyes and they were looking right back at me. Immediate connection.
Your name hadn't been completely decided, yet I heard your dad say "Hello Christopher" which was one of our favourites so I smiled and you and called you Christopher. I felt complete and ecstatic.
You were such a good baby, I joked with everyone it was like having a toy doll that I put batteries in when I wanted them awake, you slept all night from about 6 weeks, you only cried if there was something up, you fed well, you were the most content child I had ever witnessed. And those cuddles, you were so affectionate, always ready for a kiss and a cuddle, from the very beginning you found your thumb, I don't know if you still are attached to your thumb but I do know the last time I saw you when we were happy, at aged 21, your thumb even then was never far from your mouth.
Do you remember even up to those last few weeks, it was a common event for you and I to hire a DVD, my 21 year old son would sit as close as, people used to joke they couldn't even slide a piece of paper between us, you would sit that tight up against me, the film would start, your thumb would be in your mouth, your head on my shoulder as I teased you about the thumb sucking and the circles you used to stroke around your nose at the same time.
I have so many memories, of you growing up, my wonderful boy. How you were so proud to leave your cot and sleep in a big bed, how you used to wake in the mornings and shout "Mummmmmmmy can I get out?" Yes you were that amazing as a toddler, you would't even climb out of bed without me saying it was ok.
I remember the time when you were ill, you had severe gastro enteritis, bless you, I can still picture you lying there with no strength and looking forlornly at me as if to say "Make it stop" You were in hospital for a couple of days, I never left your side, you wouldn't let me anyway...
Your first day at pre school, so brave as I left you, only to be brought home half an hour later by the teacher,( it was only a small village and we lived near the school) the teacher said, "Try again tomorrow, but this little boy just wants his mummy"
When you started primary school, the teacher told me you were so desperate to please everyone that your confidence was taking a knock, she had noticed that even a simple thing like cutting out a circle, made you worry and every snip you cut you would check you were still doing it right. Everyone loved you.
The years passed, you were an amazing big brother as Amy, Thomas and Daniel joined our family, I still have video footage of you and Amy arguing over who was going to change Thomas' nappy, so funny!!
You were so sweet, so kind and so gentle. Then those teen years came.............
We had a few clashes didn't we.............
But we overcame them all, you would slam a few doors, punch a few walls, but eventually always come back with a bug hug and an apology.
Why did it all go so wrong..............
I love you dearly, I always will................but I am so angry with you right now. How could you ignore us all
Why can't you remember the things I remember, the times when you would be in trouble, I have seen you grabbed by the throat with your feet unable to touch the floor as you were shouted at, I have seen you sitting in your bedroom window, feet out of the window, crying and saying you were going to run away, I know I should have stood up for you, I was just too scared myself, but why can't you remember these things??????????
Why have you never asked for my account of what went wrong????????? Why have you believed all the lies about me????? You saw the state I was in, how desperate I was and how terrified, How could you think I invited those emotions or even asked for it?????????
Is it guilt that has blocked your memories. Is it too hard for you to deal with the fact that as a young man you could have stepped in and stopped certain things? If its guilt then please know this:
I FORGIVE YOU!!!!!!!!! IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I LOVE YOU.
Even if you are mad with me, why have you cut your grandparents and your siblings out of your life?????? I know you are back talking to the boys, but its all on your terms, you are still messing with them and they are getting hurt and confused, why would you do that to them??????
I long for the day when you will meet with me and listen to me. I can prove through letters that all I have been accused of is false, you are being played. Wake up and see the truth. I beg you.
But today, I just wish you a Happy Birthday, I will be thinking of you all day long
One day I know we will be re united. Until then I pray that God keeps you in his care and watches over you for me
God Bless You
Lots of Love Mum
xxx