Hi, this is my first post in this group so I just wanted to quickly introduce myself before telling you all what's going on in my life.
I'm Hayley. I'm 27. I have an adorable little boy aged 14 months named Nicholaus. He's my first and soon after having him, I encountered major problems beginning with retained placenta after a 30 hour labour (10 hrs 2nd Stage). 5 blood transfusions, third degree tearing, couldn't get off the hospital bed for 3 days - had swelled to 5 times my normal size with oedema and muscles were numb from exhaustion (and possibly epidural which wasn't inserted properly). I DID NOT SLEEP!!!! for 2 weeks. I couldn't. I tried. But as a new mum in a public hospital I had to look after my own baby. I had my first panic attack on the third night, the first day that I was out of bed and had to look after bub on my own, even though I was told I could have a seizure, and was warned to stay in hospital for that reason. I was exceedingly anxious about my health considering I had liver damage and continuing cycles of feeling absolutely $#%@. No-one was able to tell me that I was going to be okay nor could anyone tell me why everything was going so horribly wrong.
I had a post-partum psychosis because of this unbelievably traumatic experience. I felt as though nobody really cared about me and no-one was looking out for me. I needed sleep but nobody could alleviate my anxiety by just watching Nicky for me. I couldn't trust anyone. So I couldn't sleep. I had to stay awake to stay in control and look after myself and my baby.
Sleep deprivation caused my psychosis along with the physical and mental trauma I had endured. I fought the hospital staff for 4 days trying to convince them that there was nothing wrong with me, and in so doing continued to NOT SLEEP. By that time I was too far gone and there was nothing that could make me sleep, not even sedatives, not even anti-psychotics. I can't remember all of the thoughts I had while I was having my psychosis but I did have paranoid delusions about being controlled. I thought they were trying to blame what happened to me on a mental illness and I thought I was acting rationally under the circumstances. I was screaming to be heard but the louder I screamed the more crazy I appeared. They had to lock me up in a mental hospital and seperate me form my baby for 4 days. I was scaring the other mums. I didn't mean to!!! It was absolutely without a doubt the worst time of my life and it should've been the happiest. I couldn't comprehend what was happening to me.
The last 14 months have been a challenge to say the least. I was on anti-psychotics and mood-stabilisers for the first three months and just the stabiliser for the following 4 months. I still feel like a changed person. Am nowhere near the happy person I always was before but I'm trying. I love my little boy and strive to build our bond everyday to make up for the lost months in the beginning when it was all so hazy. I deal with stress everyday.... I'm coping quite well considering all I go through. For a taste of what I've faced recently you can go to my blog. I continue to see a psychiatrist at least monthly and I go to a special perinatal psychiatry support group for other mums facing the same sort of problems.
It'll be great to chat to you all about what we face. Motherhood - a life-changing experience that we never realised would be like this. Why do we feel so lonely? How are we so different? What has happened to us? | 
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