Funny Emails

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each
week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist
appointmentand a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the
Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all
chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with
jewelry, wear < STRONG> uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep
fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe
abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never
once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least
once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning,
feed them,dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will
be required to know all of the following information: each child's
birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the
child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each
child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite
drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man
wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a
moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called
Mother!

After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you
think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can
handle it. Just don't send it back to me.... I'm going to bed.

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

 

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. 

 

   

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.                                                                                  

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, thisguy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in: $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

 ]

 

[b]A Mastercard Wedding
[/b][b]'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.....[/b][b]                                              [/b][b] [/b]

 

Sorry about the font and size, i dont know how to change it here...

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-centre, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along