That's what anaphylaxis allergy is all about.
Going to the supermarket, taking a product from the shelf, reading the ingredients label and all the warnings, coming back home, taking the product out of the shopping bag, reading again the label and putting it in the pantry, and when he asks to eat that, reading it again before opening the package, and after all these 4-5 times of label-reading - still being afraid that the manufacturer made a mistake. That I missed the announcement on the radio about food recall. or worst, that I made a mistake and missed something in those small letters labels.
Leaving him at a friend's house to play with her child, and although I know she is very responsible and understand the meaning of this allergy and checks everything - I also know she is human, and anything can happen.
Sending him to school, and although teachers and principal assured me that everything was done and will be done to eliminate the risk - I am scared to death. Scared that some child will bring peanut butter sandwich to school, in spite of the school request. Scared that some idiot parent will decide that school's request not to bring peanut butter is discriminating their child (who loves peanut butter), and this idiot parent decides that their child should enjoy peanut butter although my son might die from it.
Being scared of my own son. Because the burden that has been put on his shoulders since he was a baby, about this peanut allergy and the death associated with it, is too much for a child. And it is so so sad! Sometimes, when the ice-cream van drives through our street, playing its music, Gilad looks at me seriously and say: "that's the ice-cream man. But I can't have it". And I say "yes" and praise him for his understanding, but oh do I cry inside my heart! I know he is trying to be brave, I know he is fed up with just eating Mac's when we are going out, I know he doesn't shed a tear when all the kids in his class eat a birthday ice-cream cake and he gets a slice we sent from home, and I know he is only a child. And I am so much afraid that one day this burden will be too much, and as a child, he will say, "I don't care, I want that and I am going to eat that!" and there will be no one to stop him. And I am so much afraid of that and so much hoping it won't happen.
I will keep fighting the world that doesn't want to understand. I will keep staying away from people who don't care, even if they are family. I will keep reading labels 5, 6 and 1000 times, even if people will think I am crazy. I will keep taking the mobile with me wherever I go, when I’m not with him. I will keep protecting him from people's ignorance and from peanuts.
Because I am so much scared. I DON'T WANT MY SON TO DIE.
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