Aussie dads tool shed

Dads: As a "species", I think we've got a lot to answer for when we look and see young women who get into toxic and abusive relationships, and end up emotionally scarred, bruised ... and often, eventually, raising children as single mums.

I think we often tend to know what young guys hanging with our daughters are thinking, what they're after, how mature and supportive they are likely to be -- I've heard a number of older dads tell me, about their daughters' boyfriends/husbands/ex' es: "I knew he was a loser from the moment I set eyes on him!" When I ask them "did you tell her that?", the answer is generally no (at least not immediately) --  not suprisingly, because they've known instinctively that their daughters were 'too far gone' to listen to them. When they have said something, further down the track, it 's too late and too painful to be well received... It's only in the aftermath of a relationship that has self-destructed that they've been able to find the common ground with their wounded daughters, of both thinking the guy is an idiot!!

The fact is that our relationship with our daughters could well be one of the crucial, determining factors in how well they navigate relationships with the opposite sex (mostly because they learn from us what to think of themselves, how valuable/important/capable/intrinsically worthy of respect they really are, etc).

I really do think as the significant males in their lives as infants and pre-teens, that we should be intentional in having the convo's about choosing a mate, dating and getting to know someone, how to recognise the difference between a good bloke and a smooth-talking, self-centred, emotionally immature 'player', between a real man and a neanderthal, between a genuinely sensitive and caring fella and a jellyfish!! If we can talk, and point out examples, (and have a few good belly laughs about it!) together when they're little, they are SO much less likely to be "swept off their feet" by a clown in spurs masquerading as a prince!

So I'm wondering if there are actually any blokes around, and if so is anyone interested in getting off their back sides and say G'day.

I am new to this whole parenting thing and loving it. There is a general conception that blokes talking about their kids in wimpy - I for one and proud to be a dad and proud of my wife for being the mum she is able to be to our daughter.

While parenting has its crap moments, in general its a priviledge - it certainly has been one of my biggest joys

Ok, I think I get it...

      ...for now, at least, there are not too many Aussie dads that have the time and interest to share parenting stories, that also happen to be Minti members... and on top of that, manage to look for and stumble upon the "tool shed" in someone else's back yard! (Yep, I know, I do sometimes harbour quite unrealistic expectations... comes with being a BIG DREAMER! )

So, I think that this little 'group' may have a quiet spell... and I'll move my personal blogging back to more appropriate forums. After all, spending too much time talking to myself in a shed could be cause for concern!

I won't demolish the shed just yet... who knows, one day I might be walkin' past and hear some good, rowdy conversations happening in the shed.... or, even better,  in someone else's back yard structure and it'll be really on! ...

... but for now, if you're looking for the right tool, can I suggest Bunnings?

Here I am, feeling like I'm retreating into the shed by myself again... not sure I'll stay long, tho'!

I know a lot of men are really "into" their sheds, and projects in the sheds that they do by themselves. Some tell me they find this energising and rejuvenating... their shed is like their 'cave', to withdraw from others, relax and centre themselves, before coming out to face the world again.

I am not one of those, unfortunately! Projects left half-done somewhere in my home, or lying around my shed, are exactly that... left lying around! -- and unless they're so pressingly 'urgent' (on a scale dependent on how much my other half is determined they must be completed!) that they can no longer be ignored, they will be!!

People, on the other hand, get me going. Getting something done with a group of people is energising for me. Sure, I love the sense of achievement of getting the 'thing' done (whether it's a physical project, a work goal... or even better, a 'movement', a whole new direction for a group of people, that takes on a life of it's own!)... but it's the fact that we've done it together that 'does it' for me most of all!

... even tiling our rumpus room floor recently (one of those things that I would have put off indefinitely, or sold the house to avoid doing if I could have!). We had guests coming to stay over Christmas for a few weeks, we needed to use the space for some of them... and the combination of recent hail and heavy rain and dodgy drainage had soaked the old carpet through -- with 2 weeks to go before everybody arrived on the doorstep, it had to be done RIGHT NOW! "It's the busiest time of the year at school and at church, I'm flat out for these 2 weeks, and I'm exhausted already", I whinged -- in vain, of course! --  "I can dry out the carpets, we can get through Christmas, and then get it done later, by professionals who know what they're doing?", I tried. No such luck.

I hate tiling. No buts about it. I hadn't done a lot of it... but it didn't take a lot to know, it's not my thing! So, in the car and off to Bunnings we went (just to check it out, I thought to myself). Some quite attractive porcelain tiles were on special, so we came home $500 poorer, the proud (?) owners of 50 boxes of tiles, a couple of bags of tile glue and some other odds and ends. The next day, after work and dinner was out of the way, my dynamo missus and I began the job. Our midnight... or more often 1 or 2 a.m. finishing up times over the following 12 days definitely took their toll on my ability to get through the next day's work effectively.... and I swore a lot on the job (the tiling job, I mean... It's not too appropriate to be swearing too much as a primary school chaplain!). I'm not usually a swearer, but there's something about tiling that makes you want to swear. (Actually, grouting, and cleaning up afterwards, is probably the bit that reaches back to those relatively unused sections of your vocabulary the most!!). I began to worry if one of my wife's colleagues at the Department of Child Safety was going to come knocking at our door, while we had 3 young girls conscripted as slave labour in our tiling workshop for a few hours per night, 'til well after their normal bed time. I did have the small satisfaction of hearing my lovely wife mutter, "We're never tiling again!" more than once (tho' I know she'll have forgotten this in a matter of weeks, it's just like child-birth! I sometimes wonder if she was actually there when our daughters were born! "It was easy" she'll tell some poor, unsuspecting pregnant friend, "all over in no time... I felt like going out dancing afterwards!" -- well, I was there, and it was hard work! I was completely stuffed, exhausted and drained for days afterwards!)

We just got it all completed with about 36 hours to go before our friends arrival -- just time to clean up, move all the furniture, make a Christmas tree, buy a couple of bits and pieces from IKEA and material to make new cushion covers from Spotlight. ("What? you've got to be kidding! ...aren't we going to sleep?? We can do without a new lamp, the storage has always looked like that... we have a perfectly usable Christmas tree -- why would you need to turn that support pole into a tree??... and the old cushion covers will work for now, won't they??" -- completely wasted breath, of course!).

But ...when we finally collapsed in exhaustion, either on our cool new tiled floor, or on the newly covered cushions, around the trendy Christmas tree built around the support pole in the middle of our 'new' rumpus room, ... in the minutes before our friends arrived... I looked around at my greatest joy and achievement, my team, my family!... and thought "We did this!"

("But, like childbirth, we're not doing it again!!")

 

I'm a Dad with girls only -- 3 of 'em in fact!... so I guess I don't know a lot about parenting boys --

(tho' possibly I may know a thing or two, just by being exposed to the many dysfunctional models I see displayed in a public school environment -- as evidenced by the outcomes!

I don't know how many times I've heard teachers say, about another boy in the middle of an incident at school, or who's been identified at-risk of something serious : "he just really, really wants his dad to do something with him"; "if only mum or dad could just turn up to one school event, it would make his day"...)

But, back on topic... I think it's the little regular things that make some of the best connections.

I've pretty much always been the "bed-time" parent in our household... it used to be a long involved process, with never-ending stories..

I started a habit of making up bed time stories -- which I've regretted on many occasions, but look back on now with great memories -- often with animal characters -- lot's of random one-offs that we've forgotten, but a few long-standing series -- drawn out over years!! (not quite as sad as "Days of our Lives"??)

Geronimo the lizard, with a whole plethora of animal friends who have various, and often fairly mundane, adventures together;

Willie the whale and a dozen or so of his marine friends -- my daughters actually appeared in a lot of these stories, which made for quite interactive telling ("I wouldn't do a double back-flip off a whale, daddy!"... or, "Can I have a turn on Wilma's spout now?" );

Fish the fish (whose whole extended family was also unfortunately just named 'Fish', which leads to a lot of confusion, of course!)..

(My eight year-old even now very occasionally jumps on my lap and says, "How about a Geronimo(/Fish/Willie) story, Dad?" -- several times when she has a friend or cousin staying over, to "show me off", I think!? I'll usually groan theatrically -- sometimes it's quite heart-felt!! -- but almost always comply now (I used to say "not now, sweetie, we don't have time" more often, when it was a regular request!). Her big sisters are "too cool" to come and sit on my lap while I tell the story, usually, of course... but usually will be sitting close by trying to pretend that they're not listening!!

I still 'put the girls to bed' -- but now it often takes about 1 minute! (maybe I should have a long hard think about that, huh? and treasure the opportunity now a little more!??)

Even my 13 year-old still asks "can you put me to bed now, Daddy?", which just means walking the few steps to the bedroom she shares with her sisters, each saying a simple prayer, giving her a kiss on the forehead and then saying goodnight. I chuckle inside every time I hear her say it, thinking, "It won't be long now before you'll think that's the most ridiculous-sounding thing you ever heard of", but also enjoy the fruits of simple things over a long time, that make connections!

Here I am, alone in my shed again, and having a good ol' yarn to myself...

I know, I know, it's a bit much to expect too many Aussie dads to be passionate enough about improving their own parenting skills and enhancing others' skills to not only find out about Minti, and become members... but then to search out and join some random dad's monoloque... but I'm used to expecting a lot... and sometimes, a lot happens!!!

I think that that is important for us as individuals... but even more important as parents! Believing in our kids, and then communicating effectively to them that we believe in them, encouraging them to believe in themselves and in the gifts and talents and opportunities God has given them, to expect good stuff to happen... even to dream the 'impossible dream' as the old cliche song-line puts it!

I know there are kids out there that I meet every week, that I would love to have enough time with to convince them that their families message (often unspoken; sometimes, sadly, spelled out clearly!) that "you are just..... you're nothing special.... you won't amount to much... you can't do it.... you're hopeless!" is only true when they believe it and make it so!... that they have abilities and potential that will suprise them, if they ever hope enough to begin to discover it!

In case anybody happens to be listening at the shed door, whether mums or dads, I'll shout it out a little louder, "TELL THEM HOW SPECIAL, HOW VALUABLE THEY ARE!!! TELL THEM THE THINGS YOU'RE PROUD OF THEM FOR! TELL THEM IT'S ALWAYS OK TO HAVE A GO!... even if the results don't match expectations! TELL THEM OFTEN!"

Well, it's going on midnight... and I'm blogging on minti -- who'd 'ave thought??

Not sure about how to get this group thing going, but I think it's worth a shot!!

I'm passionate about kids getting all the support/encouragement/help and healthy atmosphere for growth that they can...  there are far too many messed up adults in the world already! Good parenting is obviously the foundational stuff -- it's so much harder to help kids from families that just don't know how or don't bother trying to encourage and empower them. One of my jobs, as a primary school chaplain, is to build up the self esteem, social skills, friendship connections etc for kids that struggle to fit in -- I don't think I'd need to do this job if there was some way of helping parents do theirs!

The thing is, it seems to me that for most kids, in most families, it's not really rocket science, either! I'm not saying it's EASY, but it is usually pretty straight-forward and self-evident if we'd just take the time to look and think about it a little! (or just reflect on our own upbringing, the positives and negatives, what really worked and what we would long for if we could do it over!)

It's great to be part of the Minti parent community, sharing ideas, insights, struggles, questions... and it'd be awesome to see some more vocal, active,  Aussie dads (those who are serious about doing their most important job right, and are happy to share their journey with others) coming out of the woodwork !!