Dont really feel like being on the internet a lot today but will vent in my blog for a bit to hep. Day started off rough. My ex-husband emailed me about a week back as he is living in the states now. He is missing Madison and wanted to see her on web cam and here about how she is. I had changed my phone number as he was calling. I am not trying to stop him having anything to do with his daughter but I was finding it very difficult to cope with the fact that he was back in my life again. After receiving this email and feeling his pain I gave in and we got on the internet a few times and he saw her on camera. Now it has started being an everyday thing again and all of a sudden i feel like an emotional mess. At times I hate him, love him, miss him, am angry at him, nasty to him, crying and all that kind of crap. Today i told him over the internet that the best thing he can do for me right now is to leave me be so i can heal.  My mum said to me 'Samantha its not Madison not having her father in her life that is going to hurt your daughter, its how you emotionally deal with it that will make the difference'. I know she is right and even though he has done so much wrong by me I cant help but still love him and when i am lonely and affraid  I reach out to him by any means , email chat phone etc to get some indication that he still might care. He doesnt ofcorse, and its tearing me apart. I have started crying a lot and not wanting to go out.  I cut contact with him and I was doing so well then I let him in again and now Im back to square one. So today i found the strength to tell him to let me be for a while so i can heal, he didnt like it telling me that not only can he not hold his daughter now he cant even see her on the computer. I explained to him that my emotional well being is important to me raising Madison day in and day out, he didnt listen just abused me about how I was all to blame. I told him for now once a week at a certain time he can see her on the camera if he wants to but i cant handle any more contact than that.  I cant handle all this bullshit and to be quite honest why would he even want to see his daughter over the internet., of all ways to have a relationship with your child he thinks it will be ok for him to establish a relationship over a computer. I should have never let him back in our lives. I should have been strong and not allowed contact. He made his bed, he hit me and put me in a situation that I had no choice but to end the marriage. It pisses me off that he always wants to keep his foot in the door, to torment me for the rest of my life. Why cant he just let Madison and I move on. She is to young to understand it is him on the computer so he is doing this purely for his own selfich reasons. I have no qualms about them being in contact when she is old enough to make that choice for herself, but right now his contact with her is effecting me functioning emotionally. He just doesnt get it! Absolute mess, the whole situation is a nightmare, just sad that I happen to be living it. WHERE IS DR PHIL WHEN YOU NEED HIM??

I found it very hard to get Madison to bed last night she seems to fight sleep just to disobey me. She is testing me lately and I can tell she has a very strong willed personality. I know she is going to be a challenge. She started screaming in the supermarket the other day because she didnt want to sit in the trolley anymore and wanted to be held. People were staring and I was trying to not aknowlege her bad behaviour, though inside I was struggling, sweating and a bit paniced.  She pulls out all the stops to get her way, I think the tantrus have started and when I tell her no, she laughs at me. Iknow this is only going to be more of a challenge. She will crawl up to the wall and bang her head against it and cry just to get my attention, if I dont give it to her she will do it again untill I take notice. I dont know why she is so adamment at trying to seek my attention I give it to her 24 hours a day and the moment she is not being focused on she is not happy. Maybe I need to wear her out a bit more, playgroup next week might help.  God give me strength.

Thankfully have found an interesting parenting site that may ease some of the isollation I have been feeling lately being a mum on my own.  Mum sugested maybe finding a parenting group to join but have been searching for one to no avail. Things have only got to get better from here I supose. Maybe i will be lucky enough and one of my independant, never want kids friends decides to have some babies! Madison is grizzly today. teeth again. She is in the bath at the moment and not looking forward to what I will find in there with her as lately she has thought pooing in the bath is funny.