Well Ive chilled out on those baby feelings. Lately I have been just so angery. Like anyone and everyone makes me mad in some way. And it is more so my lil brother, mom and boyfriend. And now my thereapist is getting on my nerves. Like she says that I always find an excuse for everything, and it makes me mad because that isnt what Im tryin to do. I just over analyze crap, so I look at all aspects of a situation, which I dont see what is so bad about that. She is mad because Im not spontanious...well Im sorry Ive never been like that, and Im not going to do it to make her happy. And then my mom goes crying to her saying that I have no life and all I do is sit in my room and talk to my boyfriend. Well for one I would rather be by myself then hang out with people who I think are really immature, and then 2 I have a crap load of school work, so football games, school events are just at the bottom of my to do list. They think that because Im not the most outgoing, school spritied person that Im missing out in my "high school" experiance. I honestly dont care, and I wish they would just let me be, Im doing fine. I have friends, I do have a life, I just know what is more important.....homework vs. football game....homework. Then my boyfriend is just being.....ugh. He has an anger problem, and he is getting help, but it is just he is stubborn as hell.  And like he is a very jealous person, but he is getting better. And you know I see where some of it comes from, because we live 600 miles away from each other, and only see each other once every few months. But he has trust issuses due to his last relationship, and you know Im trying to get him to see Im NOT his ex, but it is hard. And we're starting to fight a lot....I just dont know what to do anymore. And my brother is just being a brother....but man is he annoying. I just dont know what to do. Ive never been so angry, Im lashing out at everyone, and I dont like it. But I dont know what to do.....

Ok so those of you who have been following my life stories and my blogs and everything know that I had a scare this summer with almost being pregnate. Well the other day my mom had to buy a girft for a baby shower and like everytime I saw a baby I got a feeling that "hey I want a baby". And like these feelings have been getting stonger, BUT, (before everyone one freaks) I know I am no where near ready, finacialy (spelling) or even mentally and physically. Its just I want one. I love kids and they make me smile and they are so cute. And yes I know that they can be a hand full. I've had to raise my little brothers. And you know lol I don't mind changing stinky dippers and having a baby throw up on me. But I know I can't have one. I have my present life to deal with and get my issuses in check before I can bring another human into the world. I guess why I was writing this is...IF I were to have a baby now....do ya'll think I could manage? Forget the money part and my life dreams and goals...just me and my maturaity and what ya'll have seen of me on here. And be honest, I won't be offended..lol I can't I asked ya'll to (:

Well today was pretty good. Not much homework, thank God. I have spanish and need to work on a project for English. I took an A.P. Euro test today. I have no clue how I did, I'm nervvous though. Because when ever I think I do good, I bomb the test. You know my life has been so chaotic this year, and last year.And I just can't get a grip. Some days I look back and I wonder if I made the right choices in my life. And I guess I'll never know, because there isn't a re-do button on life.You know I often wonder what would have happened if I wouldn't have moved out of my dad's house. I hate that I hurt him,  but I wanted it to be a wake up call, not the event that caused his life to come crumbling down. I still love him,  but he isn't showing that he loves me...he refuses to admit he has a problem and that he needs help. And I just want my dad back, and I want my life to just chill out. But I'm not that lucky, and it probably won't happen. I have a feeling I will be burrying my dad a lot sooner than I hoped, and I don't want that to happen....

...

*deep breaths* O.K. sorry I was getting a little emotional. But you know you would think that with all I have gone through with in my life, some one, ANYONE; whether it be God, the fates, destiny, anything, just give me a damn break!  I know there are probably people who have it a lot worse than me, but I know there are people who have it way better than me. I was probably dealt one of the worst hand ever. Dad who is and has been addicted to alcohol, drugs, prescription drugs. A mom who has an anger problem, resents me a little for being my dads child, hates my boyfriend, and my choices involving him. Being the victiom of rape 3 times, and twice by two people who I let in and took advantage of me. Being told that my dad isn't my biological father, losing 4 friends due to suicide, and car accidents ( R.I.P Taylor Smith '93-'09).Losing my Great Grandfather, then three months later losing my PaPa. And the fact that my life is just crumbling right before my eyes. Some days I just want to crawl in my bed go to sleep and not wake up...life is just so unbearable right now. But I know that I have people who are expecting me to pull through and be there for them. So I just put on a happy face, and live life, while inside I'm breaking...

I'm just so lost...

Nothing has gotten better. My life is still hectic and just UGH! I want to just give up so badly. I'm tired of being here I need to get out.