I had the second appointment yesterday to listen in to the baby's heartbeat.

They are doing this once a week now to reassure everyone that the baby is okay as we lost our first baby, Ally, at some point bewteen 18 and 20 weeks (I am 17+5) weeks today)

But the baby doesn't seem to want to be listened to and every time the midwife put the microphone on my belly the baby kicked it and moved.  We knew things were okay but she still needed to monitor the heartrate and it took her ages to get it. 

It was funny though.  I think I said that my placenta is at the front and so I am not feeling strong movements from the baby but I am feeling some movements so that's set our minds at rest too.

I had the operation on Wednesday 8th and spent a couple of nights in hospital but was allowed to come home for the weekend on condition that I had a minimum of seven days bedrest.

Luckily my husband was able to get leave from his ship to come home, otherwise I would have had to spend that time in hospital.

They were pleased with the way the operation went and also by the fact that I felt well enough not to need any painkillers.  I had a small amount of bleeding but it only lasted a few days and was very light.

All in all they are cautiously saying they think the operation has been a success, although the four to six weeks following it can still have its risks and problems (but fingers crossed).

I also had a scan on Tuesday and they were pleased with that too.

Baby Button had a good heartbeat and has grown exactly as they hoped he/she would.  The only issues were that my placenta has formed at the front of my womb which can make it difficult to feel the baby moving as early as normal.  So I have had to book a weekly session with my community midwife so she can listen to Button's heartbeat.

As we are now at 16 weeks and they think our first baby, Ally, died somewhere between 18 and 20 weeks, not feeling the baby move is worrying so these listening-in sessions are really important to our peace of mind and stress levels. 

The other issue is that I still haven't put on any weight, although I am eating little and often rather than struggling with big meals.  This is something that they said wasn't important in my first trimester but is more important now.  So they will be keeping an eye on that for me too.  And in the meantime Andrew is spoiling me with lots of chocolate, monster munch crisps, soup, bananas, sandwiches, cereal and grilled vegetables to make sure that whatever I feel like eating is right there ready for me.

As the title says, all was well at the scan, baby had a heartbeat  and we could make out features and see it's hands and legs moving. 

It's been a big relief to get to this point, twelve weeks in, and the next milestone to reach and pass is the operation in three weeks.

The bad news is that the doctor I was counting on to get justice for Elisabeth has decided, without ever once examining me, that the accident played no part in her premature birth and death and said instead that I have a weak cervix which has been weakened further by medical procedures including Ally's birth earlier that year.  He says that the action they took to start labour after Ally died can weaken the cervix and if mine was already weak or damaged then that's the reason Elisabeth was lost.  No other doctor who has spoken to me has suggested this to me, not even the ones who examined me at the time, so this has been a big shock to me.

I'm very upset about this, I feel as though he is blaming me for losing her and I can't understand how he can completely rule out the accident as a contributing cause even if he doesn't believe it was the main or only reason we lost her.

But as from now it is officially not the lorry drivers fault, it's mine, and I have to get used to saying that now. 

I feel very distressed about this but am trying to focus on the positive things that happened today rather than the negative things.  This baby is healthy and alive and growning well and in order to keep it that way I need to stay positive.  Easier said than done but I have a beautiful scan picture to look at to remind me that I have to try.  I just wish I didn't feel like I have let Elisabeth down all over again.

All I want to do is sleep all the time and I feel so tired that if I get tired when I am out I am tempted to just sit or lie down somewhere and sleep tight where I am.  But when I do sleep I have bad dreams or just snap wide awake and can't settle again even though I am still tired.

This happened before too but even though I know that I still feel a bit worried.  Every symptom I have I worry that it is a sign something is wrong but if I don't have any symptoms I worry that I should be having them.

My scan is next week and I think it's my way of worrying.