The new boilers been fitted. At last a bath, no more boiling the kettle to wash hair.... What can I say I'm ecstatic....

The gas men turned up at 8.30am we'd had no warning. Phina and I were getting ready to go in to town. But we stayed  home. We had to rush round to free up the space infrount of the boiler, and I was horrified over how much dust was behind the washing machine. They were great over it though, and just as puzzled as to why we'd not been for warned. Never mind it's done now. It'll probly take the rest of the day for the cat's to come out from under Phina's bed  :-)

I've put so many down blogs recently, that I though I'd let you all know , I'm FEELING GOOD ABOUT MYSELF today,

I managed a long chat with my doctor yesterday, and the short version is. I have to find ME again. I've spent so long being some one alse's, daughter, wife, mom, ect that I've lost my self some wear along the way. So I have to do some hard thinking about what I want out of the rest of my life.

I have decided firstly to be true to myself. I'm not talking about becomming selfish, just concidering my needs, Both my children are grown up so they need support now not Mothering, so now it's supposed to be my term to Mother me.

The problem is I have no out standing things I wish to achieve. I'm not adventurous, so have not wish to say, jump out of an airoplaine, or go ond one of those adventure holidays. Tourisum has spoilt all the places of natural or man made interests. I'v been to Stonehenge befor it became  'the place to be' on  Solcist, it was still just a farmers feild, you parked your car in a feild gateway and walked over rough ground to actualy toutch the Standing stones. Now you can't even walk anyway nearenough enough to to them , and I love to touch things to get their vibes. So I prefer to remember how they were.

All I ever wanted was to be a Mother and have my own home and a  'loving ' husband. Well for 14 years I did have that. I am still a Mother  :-) I know that I don't want to be homeless ever again.

So I have reached an impass. I've been through the broody stage, but nature is againts me here, even if I was tempted to have an other little one to love and cherrish, I can see now why a lot of familes have what my Gran called, +1 babies about 14 to 16 years after the youngest  has grown up, as it some times feels like " well I know how to do this and  it's somthing I can feel good about doing" but it also stops them haveing to think about what they want out of life as it's difficult.

With my health the way it is, and looking like it's not going to improve. Then getting a job, unless I can find a very very understanding employer, is out of the question too.  I'll have to think of somting alse to stretch my mind.

I'd like to go back to collage, just to learn somthing new, I'm interested in Archeology, We lookied into it last year and it seams you can only get funding if it's a career choice not just for study. There all sorts of things I'd need. Mostly a car as we have no bus service here after 6.30pm and the last bus leaves Worcester at 7pm. So evening classes are also out of the equaision.

My doctor answered me when I'd said their was nothing I realy wanted to do. With, " my answer to everyone who says that is"," Imagin I've just toild you that you only have one year left to live, then I'm sure you would have somthing you'd like to acommplish before the year was up. "  A good question, but I still don't know the answer....

BUT WERE STILL WATING!!!!!! Stewart phoned this morning to see what was happening with our replacement water boiler ? The short story is quote. Were on a list with a load of others wating to have their boilers replaced as well. Were not down as a prioty so they don't know when it will be done. Un quote. Full stop. nothing alse we can do but wate it out. Stewart's the one who's suffering the most as he needs to soak in the bath to help relive his arthritus, and no one we know has a bath they all live in smaller places with showers. If we try to fill the bath ( which is one of those old heavy duty ones, not the new light weight ones ), then by the time we have enough to sit in it's gone cool. Well enough on that subject....

I've been a little incommunicardo the last few weeks, I'v just had to compleat my yearly ' why I carn't work ' form, it's been sent out a whole 4 months early? un fortunatly it allways sends me into a down ward cycle. It's both humiliating and demoralizing haveing to list all your dissabilities and problems for someone your never going to meet, to decide weather your fit to work or not.  They won't take your doctors word for it any more, It's just you don't think about every thing every day as a subject, it just is, and you get on with it, but when you have to list them all out, then I don't lnow about anyone alse, it leaves me feeling a wreck,  And this time I now have 4 months instead of one, to worry if I'll have to go in for a personal medical with one of their, supposed, independant  doctors. Sigh ! I keep telling them that one of my problems is going out, and having to talk to people.