Well after my previous blog which ws only like 2 hrs ago, lol, definetly a minti maniac. I found somewhere willing to take me on for vol work. it is a vet clinic, in Kwinana. About 30mins away. The only thing is their insurance doesn't cover vol workers so I have to organise that through an employment study agency called bridging the gap. I have an appointment with them this afternoon then I need to fill out some paperwork then get back onto the clinic and wella. Yay, I am so happy and I really need this. I really want this. So things are looking on the up again and I am on the road to changing my life around for the better. Yippee. Sorry guys I am just so stoked about it and wanted to share. Will let you all know tomorrow how it all goes. and if anything changes. One things has changed already, my day of doing SFA. but thats ok I will do it tomorrow. lol

I decided to call around the vet hospitals in the area to offer my services free of charge. There are 6 close by, 2 don't take on volunteers at all, 1 you HAVE to already be enrolled in some form of study such as a vet, vet nurse etc. 1 is having a crisis with insurance and can't take any one on at all but they took my number for if the situation should change at all, one said they normally only take on enrolled students but to send in a resume and cover note and she will see what they can do. And the other the person in charge of that side wasn't in and said to phone back on monday. So it looks like I will have to wait until I am enrolled in studies and find out if I really want to do it after and possibly waste money and time. I am pretty certain I do, but I would rather find out first than have the fact I have paid for the semester and done some of it hanging over my head and deciding if it is or not. This is really sucky. Well heres hoping the laast one says yes!!!

Doing absolutely SFA today until tonight when I have to cook dinner then head off to training. Ahhh some real adult interaction. This at the moment is my lifeline. Sounds really sad I know, but it keeps me going through the week. Shayne is working tomorrow, again *sigh*. Will get through it tho. then Sunday is fathers day. Wejust got him some books, dunno if he will like it or not but oh well. And we got him a bbq set (tongs, fork and spatula thingy). We will probably spend most of day over at his mum and dads, not to bad I guess, Anthony is pretty well behaved there and I get to go to the loo alone. Yippee. lol

Well hope everyone has a great weekend and fathersday to all the daddies out there in minti land. xx.

After I cracked a tantie on was it monday or tuesday, can't remember, but any way as the title says I got flowers.

I know I shouldn't have to crack it to get flowers, but this is like the 3rd time in 5yrs. He doesn't like buying something that will just die anyways. For my first mothers day he bought me a potted orchid cos he knows along with gerberas they are my favourites. It died!!! What can I say, I have a very brown thumb, and that sounds all wrong, lets just say I don't have a green one. lol.

Anyways why did I crack a tantie. Cos I have had enough, I am not coping with the stresses of parenting, relationships, life, much at all. I have not had much support from the one I love with all my heart and that is the hardest part. The day started off ok, Anthony getting into his usual misheif, He let a budgie free, (inside the house) spilt budgie food all over the house, then tipped rice bubbles all over the kitchen, etc etc, got into my scrapbooking stuff etc. Not so bad many will say, but when it is 12 hours a day 6 days a week on my own. It bcomes really quiet frustrating especially since he does have a dad who is still meant to be in the picture, but is working too hard and missing out on this little guys life, it frustrates me all the more. Anyhow, I rang Shayne at lunch time in tears and asked him to come home now, but of course he couldn't, had stuff to do. Always has more important stuff to do. I got really upset and told him I couldn't handle it. Did it help no, we both just got really annoyed then he said he had to go so I just hung up on him. then at around 3;45pm he calls and says he is on his way home, 30 mins later still not here (its a 20min drive at that time of day) then at 430 he walks in with this bueatiful bunch of flowers walks up and plants one on me./ I just burst into tears.

After Anthony went to bed, we attempted to talk, not with out many tears being shed and really not very successful in the least. He thinks being a SAHP is the easiest job around. All fun and games. Well it's not, sure I get to make play doh and paint and play with blocks and let my brain cells dwindle with the monotonous kiddie conversation which seems to revolve around cars, and wet nappies and food and toys and park. etc. Well alot of you will get the drift on it. its not that simple, we have the majority of disciplining, life skills coaching, housework, errands, dealing with sickness and tantrums. We all need to from time to time get away and have adult conversation or do something for us, weather it be sit and have a cuppa by ourselves, a hobby or what ever. We need to detatch the mini -me's and be an individual.

He also said something about me working and not being able to hold down a job. I was like what the F???? My last job I had for 10 mths, I quit because they treated me like shit, and I ws exhausted, I had a 2 y/o running around at home and I was surviving on less than 5hrs a night of sleep.  My job befor that, I left to have a baby. Hello, a baby. The job be4 that well I went off the rails a little and yeah long story there. The one b4 that, was a traineeship, 1 yr there then left to move to wa so he could be closer to his family. Any one seeing a pattern here.

I have issues with discipling, My methods are not agreeable by  many, including myself, and this is where I really lost it, I feel like the worst parent many days because I feel like all I do is tell Anthony off or push him to the side to get housewrok done. I have no idea what good parenting is, I have never done it befor nor have I had good parenting.  I really do hate myself some days over this and I told sahyne this and he complimented me. OMG, he was like yeah, I agree you have issues with this but quote " I have seen the paintings and drawings and photos from the park and you make playdoh and do heaps of awesome stuff with him. Allthough you could teach him more." end quote. He also said he is jealous cos he can't stay home all day and play. ( it really isn't pheasable or I would do it)  He just thinks it is so easy, but for me, its not. I am not SAHM material.

I love my boy to bits and would do anything for him. I really would. I would throw myself in front of a train to save him. I would travel to the moon and bring back a star if he asked me to. Because to me he is a star, a shooting star impossible to catch, lol. Words will never explain how much I love him, but god, please give me a break.

So out of It, yesterday I rang the tafe about the course I want to enrol in and they are sending an info and enrollment pack for me. I have written a letter to do some voluntary work at a vet surgey, I have rang about re enrolling anthony into swimming lessons, I am going to start going back to mg, and I am also going to (need to for school and vol work so he can't say no to that) put anthony in some chilcare, starting with 1 day a week until I go to school next yr. I am also going to return to counselling because I have issues from my own past that still needs addressing. And I need to get a car. That is my game plan at the moment and hopefully these positive steps will enable me to become a better person and in return a better parent and a better partner. And yes I know Shayne needs to change a little as well and be slighly more supportive, something which we (the both of us) will work on.

Well thats my ramble for the day. Oh no a simple bitch befro I go. Shayne sister (the ones I have problems with) is back from Kalgoorlie and is meant to be coming over tonight. Oh yay, so I actually really got to go and get this house wrok finished. Arrghhh was not up for this atm. GGrrrrr damn inlaws. (sorry N you's all not bad)

Last night went up and got soe fish and chips for dinner as I had spent the whole day cleaning (shayne took Anthony out for the day) and didn't want to make mess. Anyway I was sitting up there and nearly vomited, no particular reason. And me being me still managed to wolf down my dinner, but oh didn't I pay for it in the wee hours of the morning. Sorry for tmi but spent the better part of 20mins sitting on the loo. Tossed and turned for the rest of the night, was joined by Anthony at about 4 and booted him out then he was back at 445 so I just gave in then Shaynes Alarm went off, The first time I have ever heard it I think, so I nugded him and got no response, I knew he had another alarm set for 30 mins later. he ended up getting up b4  that one tho, and he took Anthony back to bed for me (and he stayed this time til 730am. Yay). Any way to current time, I have the oddest feeling just under my ribcage right in the middle, It is a pain, but not a bad one, just really annoying and depending on the way I am postioned depends on how it feels. Last night I also had these pains that were really quiet painful and would just shot right through my whole abdomen area. It is just a really odd feeling right round that I can not find the words to explain. Almost if you skull a whole heap of fizzy cordial (coke for me) and you get that huge gas build up in the back of your throaght cept it is heaps lower down for me and I didn't drink the coke. And my belly is all hard and bloated with it too. Well if its not better by tomorrow may make a docs appt. cos It just isn't sitting right. 

As for the weekend well it went relatively well, Shayne worked Saturday and we had a yummy roast for dinner. Poor Anthony has still got 4 x 2y/o mo;ars coming, I can feel them right under the surface and he has been pretty clingy and flushed cheeks and ears and bad bad nappy rash. Shayne took him out yesterday and I said to him make sure you change his nappy every 2 hours unless he has done a poo then change him more, make sure you put cream on etc. Well he got home last night and said he did a poo at N's and his bum is all red, couldn't put cream on cos he was in so much pain so made the poor lil tyke a warm bath, then let him run around with just some trackies on cos it was too cold to go all nakie. Any ways I said when I was dressing him can you tell me if you need to wee or poo. He started saying wees wees, I thought he was just imitating me, but nope less than a minute after putting him down he was all upset, Went to see why, he had weed. So I changed him again, leaving the nappy off, told Shayne to keep an eye on him I was going to have a shower come out and he had weed himself again, so I had to dress him agin and put on a nappy this time, loaded up the cream to try and act as a barrier, this morning its not so bad, but will give him more air time a little later. Well that is the extent of my week end. Hope everyone elses was a little more enjoyable.

Karen. xx.

Ps Why when I press enter am I getting such a big space between paragraphs????

just wanted to jump on quickly and say how proud I am of my big boy. Again. Lol. He helped himself t Anthonys' cheese (plastic crap I can't stand and the only one he will eat) Anyways He brings it over to me and says cheese.......... Ta. So I opened it and passed it to him and says thankyou and eats it, Then goes and gets more and said please and thankyou. Than I was cleaning a tray and he brings more cheese and says cheese cheese cheeeeese, and I was saying no no no we are going to have dinner shortly. He persisted without manners so I said cheese what? his reply............. Cheese please, How could I say no. and now he won't stop bringing me cheese. pmsl. Oh and now if you burb its oooooh piggy. how cute. Has millions of cute lil things he comes out wif. He is growinng up waaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to quickly.

Well Just wanted to share that. Have a great weekend.

Well my big boy is  exactly that. At 2y/o he is attemping to self TT. OMG, I am so not prepared for this, was going to wait until summer well and truely hits. But he obviously has other plans. lol. A few times, not evry time but a few times, He is recognising he needs to go befor he does go. He comes up and tells me poo, so I take him to the toilet, do you think for the life of me he will use it for anything other than wees? No he will wait to I put a nappy back on then do it. Grrrr. He stands in the bath, grabs his rudie (thats what he calls it) and says wee's then promptly continues on to stand there and wee. lol. Well it's a start I guess. he doesn't have issues Sitting on his potty, just doing what is meant to be done in there. Just takes time I guess.

I always said I would try for another bub when he is TT during the day, not too fussed about nights yet. But I can't wait, I soooo badly want another baby, but it is just managing to convince Shayne that I am ready for another, but I don't think any one can be completely prepared and ready until it happens. I know since the miscarriage he has gone off the idea even more so simply cos he does not wnt to take the chance of us going through what we did again. I try to tell him it doesn't matter how long we wait the chances of it happening again are still going to be the same. Also on the same token it plays on my mind too but there is nothing we can do to stop it from happening again. I do want to loose some more weight befor I try again, but I want a baby now. I don't want to wait any more. I always wanted my children pretty close together (like 2-3 years) I don't want to get Anthony to high school then have another, god no. I just have this feeling like my body is telling me it is time for me to have another baby.

Ummm today, plan on catching up on the housework I planned to do yesterday, but didn't cos I was sick, need to take up a pair of pants, (wide waist/short legs, lol) die my hair, go for a walk somewhere random and then cook dinner, clean up again, then am going to hang out wif my sil (building family relations pmsl) at an undercover wear party. One of the 5 I had been invited to in a 5 week period, but the first I will have attented, lol, my bad. Then sat I think Shayne is working so it will be just like another ordinary weekday I guess then Sunday Shayne can bugger off with Anthony for the day and I am going to do NOTHING that doesn't closely resemble relaxing. So thats my weekend. so far.

Hope everyone else has a fantastic weekend.

Karen. xx.

But who is here to care for me, NO ONE.... Grrr, he can take a friggin day offcos of a few tummy pains but I have been up since 330am puking and now going to the loo every 1/2 hr (tmi sorry) and I still need to care for my lil fella. Poor lil tyke doesn't know what to think and I just wanna mope on the couch and feel sorry for me but I can't.

I can't even do this job I talked about yesterday cos I have no car and it would take me over an hour on public transport and thats one way. Then chilcare costs $132 for the 2 days and we would only get a really small amount of that with subsidy our government offers. But because I am not eligible for family benefits or a Hcc, it just isn't worth it. All cos Shayne earns too much. Sometimes I feel I would be better off as a single parent. And I know all the single parents out there have it pretty hard but Shayne earns all this friggin money which I can't access and have no control over where it is spent. So what is the use of it to me. I feel like a friggin live in nanny/house keeper. (i love my boy and would not want to imagine life with out him but that is how Shayne m,akes me feel. Like an incomplete person. Grrr and things were going so well for a little bit there.

Well I am off to try and keep Anthony occupied/ try to recover.

And I am exhausted again. Anthony was up at least 6 times last night, Shayne got up once to hm (only cos he could tell I was pissed not at Anthony either) I think it was hs teeth cos this morning he wouldn't let me near his mouth which he normally lets me stick my finger in to feel around. So I guess I won't bother brushing his teeth tonight, Guess a couple of days won't hurt. And he wouldn't eat a great deal at all today but I guess that still may have something to do with him being so sick on Sunday night.

Today my tax return went in $500 less than was expected, not sure why. I didn't recieve any family benefits this yr according to centrelink, I only earned just over $20000 and paid near $4000 in tax. Still can't complain. Went to the shops and guess who I bumped into. Becca (kathryn solaris). so We went and had lunch, then did some shopping where I got a jumper for shayne, a shirt also for shayne, a pair of shorts and a tshirt for anthony and 2 tshirts for me. Also got a car for Anthony one that pulls apart or something (lightening Mcqueen) then we got ice cream after becca bought me flowers, just to brighten my day. lol, crazy woman, gotta love her tho', and yes they did brighten my day a bit as I was feeling slightly stressed. Now I have a Q? Do the shops purposely have the lanes that narrow so pram ridden children can grab stuff and pull it all of the racks or shelves. I swear they do. Any ways after all this we went to the oval across the road and made wicked big bubbles for the kiddies to chase and played on some park equipment. And man oh man is Anthony a bully or what. He was pushing Rhiannon around (nearly face first down the slide and everything he played with she was not allowed and everything she played wih was his. Please don't think for lack of my parenting cos I have tried soooooo friggen hard to stop this in the tracks but to no avail. He hardly interacts with kids his own age and this is going to change very soon. so after the park we are home now, got a raost chicken in the oven and am pottering between house work and the computer.

Tomorrow I have a semi interview, more just pop in fill out an application and will interveiw me on the spot. It is a 60's cafe. Dinsdale (tracey) called to let me know they are looking for ppl,so if I get this Anthony will be in day care 2 days a week, and I have vowed if this be the case, I am not putting him only for the time I work, He can hang out there for a bit longer and give me an hour or so after/befor work to do some house work or just sit and have a cuppa. So yes He will be away from me I will be working but I will also have a little extra time for me too. I think it will be better for us all in the long run. This means I will need to be up early again so I can have the car, gosh dam it, I want a solid nights sleep and a sleep in.

well thats about it really. Hope evryone else is taking it easy and having a great week. xx.

Anthony still isn't feeling 100% yet. He managed dinner last night and went to bed and woke 1/2 an hour later with a fever so it was some panadol and a restless sleep. Has been eating like there is no tomorrow today. lol (if that nakes sense,) and he just crashed out 1/2 an hour ago which he never does on his own unless he is sick. I think it may be a combination of recovering from the Sunday night (was up all night being sick) and he is getting all 4 2y/o molars atm as well. Poor lil tyke is not on a good run atm. So I am enjoying the peace. When he wakes depending on his mood we are going to make playdoh and do some colouring in (after his lunch) and maybe make some blueberry muffins. yummy.

Also yay for me, I finally managed to figure out how to make my pics stay all glittery and animated. yippee, only taken nearly 2 yrs. lol, I am such a dumbass when it comes to computers. lol.

Hope every one else is well and enjoying their week

Oh I can't say good bye with out having a whinge, Shayne did our taxes the other night, mine first cause I was bound to get more and have no cash flow atm, any way he just rang to tell me to check if it had gone in, nope it hadn't but his had. Diff banks I guess so hopefully in the next few days it will go in and I can go get some sneakers, a bike and accessories so Anthony and I can go for rides and some new clothes. Yippee.

I shall start from Friday nite training. It went well, well what I mean is I didn't end up sore like I had been the cople of weeks befor. Ended up trying to pummel kiall cos he nicked my last 1/2 shot of vodka. grrr, don't think I was too successful tho. lol. The becca and I ended up sitting up til nearly 4 am chatting, finally got to bed and befor I knew it, it was time to get up, not by choice, Just this little person who has more than made his presence felt for just over the last 2 yrs, I afectionatly call him Anthony. lol. Poor Rhiannon ended up being sick. I eventually got home around 10am, Shayne was sitting up in bed and looking a lil worse for wear as well. Self inflicted tho so I have no sympathy for him. Hee hee, lovely aren't I. Did a whole heap of house work getting ready for Saturday night. Didn't go to the undrcover ware party cos I was rooted from lack of sleep and ended up having a cat nap on the couch outside for about 45 mins instead.

becca didn't come as Rhiannon was sick, which is completely understandable. Gave her a ring this morning to see how Rhiannon was (she is fine now) and Bec is now not well either. Liz didn't come either as she just needed a night to chill as well which is cool. We all have nights or days like that. I know I have cancelled on things  simply cos I needed a rest opr had been over doing it in one way or another. So was just Emma, her beau, and myself. Shayne went to his mum and dads then to his sisters. While I waited for emma to rock up I checked my fb and had a msg from his sis, thanks for the invite to your party Karen. I called shayne to see if he was there and he wasn't so I called her up in tears thinking she was seriously fucked off at me, but she wasn't, it was a joke, like me, she hates email and text msgs cause things sound diff in writing to when they are said. It's amazing the way voice tone and facial expressions can completely change the way things said are meant. Anyway, emma got here aroound nine and lost no time getting stuck into the booze. Didn't end up real drunk tho, just really tired and piked it at 1am. We played a couple of drinking games had the music going, played some pool. just mucked around a heap as well. We ordered pizza at 930 and had to wait til 11 to get it so we got it for $25 rather than $35. lol, was super yummy for breakky cos we ended up not eating much of it.

Then lat night I put Anthony to bed at around 730pm and he complained he had a sore belly, Hed had puked all through his bed by 9 and needed a shower cos it was all in his hair (so I got Shayne to do that) In thew meantime I changed everything on the bed, He went straight back to sleep, then I went to bed and by 1030 he had done it all again, so I ended up having him on a spare mattress on the floor next to the couch and he slept very little after that until around 4 am when he finally stopped puking, Don't blame the poor lil tyke, Went through 3 changes of clothes, about 10 towels (cos I had them over the pillow,) a couple of hand towels. It was so horrible seeing him sick like that. he was on and off the couch with me, wanting me to rub his belly and just to be comforted. He is now asleep on the mattress again, he had a slight temp (37.8 degrees) so I gave him nurofen and checked 1/2 hr later and had gone up .1degree but can't really do much more at this point. He is keeping down water now which is fantastic, not even interested in toast though if I had been spewing all night I probably wouldn't want to eat either. Well while he is sleeping, I sould get some rest too.

Hope evryone else has a good week and hopefully ours picks upo and we can enjoy the rest of it. Take care. xx.