Started the day off pretty well at 5:30. Went back to be at 6:15 then got up again at 7:20. up until about 9:30-10am was fine with everything. All my house work done. WEll except for a couple of things like the bathrooms and toilets. and the floors,couldn't be bothered, so have tried to sit down and do nothing. Absolutely doing my head in. Am bored to death, I just have this need to try and keep busy, my mind especially and not even the computer is doing that for me. It has just become so mundane. (some one slap me please, never thought I would say that!) Grrr, I am just so cranky today when I have no real reason to be and that is frustrating me more.

Poor anthony has been on the recieving end of this, even though it's not his fault. Poor little bugger. Just not in the mood to play silly games and I know he is bored which doesn't help me. Need to get motivated again.Eventually.

Karen. xx.

Some people will find this entertaining others will just think wtf! If you are uncomfortable talking about sex, do no read forward.....

Well last night after being back for 5 days, we finally had sex again. And it wasgreat. (I will be going some where with this) He did everything. It seemed like he was only worried about my needs. So sweet. Just the way he touched me, kissed me, everything. Any way afterwards I was laying there and a thought crossed my mind, Do I have a problem? I always want sex!!! Even when I am in the worst mood. I have a bad day and by 7:30 guarentee (can't spell... left my brain in bed this morning) I am thinking about Shayne........... and me, in bed. Is this just coincidence or is there something here. I mean it's not just the physical well being that you obtain from a really good time but also the being close with your partner, and for me pleasing my partner and the in the best case the chemical reaction. So in general I have found for me the more often I have s e x the better a mood I am in and the less things phase me. But on th other hand if I don't get it I can be in a foul mood and some times to the point of having tantrums and crying. Is this when it has become a problem? Am I trying to use sex to control my emotions like I would panadol for  a toothache. I think it is a bit of both, the being as physically and emotionally as close to my partner as can be and enjoying that in itself. And part being that it makes me feel good in every other way. I also sleep really well that night and feel energised the next day. Surely it can't be a bad thing, If this makes any sense. Again, just some random thoughts going through my head last night.

And that actually feels good to have off my chest.

Cheers, Karen. xxx.

Well after a good couple of days trying to sort out my feelings in regards to loosing our baby, I am still not sure how I feel. It seems weird but for the first couple of weeks I managed to push it to the back of my mind so I could try and enjoy my holiday, now I think about it more and more, most likely because I have sooooo much time on my hands atm. And I just feel numb. Towards everything. I still care in my mind and I want to do whats right but emotionally I feel so distant. Like last night, Shayne and I were just sitting on the couch, holding hands after putting Anthony to bed (which for once was a "family" occasion with all 3 of us) Any way my friend Emma called asking me to come and visit. I really wanted to spend time with her especially since I cancelled the night beofr. Shayne got all upset and I tried to Show him that I cared he was upset but because there wasn't any real emotion behind what I was saying I think he kind of just ignored it. He has also become very distant over the last couple of days.Like he has something on his mind but he is not sure how to bring it up. It just feels like we are both walking on eggshells trying not to upset each other. I wish it wasn't like this. All though now I think after going through this and spending almost 2 weeks apart has given us a new appreciation for each other. Sounds all very weird and probably makes no sense but Once again these are just some of my current thoughts. I was just hoping that writing out some of this would help, but not really at this point. There is alot running through my head in regards to family, work, personal. I just don't know where to start. I feel like I am on another downward spiral. I really need to sort myself out before this becomes a problem for everybody again.

On a really positive note, last night at dinner Anthony pointed to part of the design on our kitchen chairs and said Triangle and of course I wouldn't be bragging if it wasn't. pmsl. Then we asked him where the circle was and he tried to squeeze his hand through. I just can't believe how quickly he has grown up and how clever he is. he is starting to have small conversations about random inademant objects or parts of his body. It happens why to quuick.

Well I am back and I am exhausted.

Tassie was beautiful as always. (the scenery)  And the people, well I could of throttled a couple. My sisters are ok for short periods at a time, Then all hell breaks loose. When I arrived dad was in hospital, appendix was leaking and he had a hernia. That was on Monday, Tuesday took anthony to a couple of parks, Wednesday to dr harry's hobby farm. Thursday I went to Hobart to visit a very dear friend of mine, and her little bub. Was hard to do considering whats been going on, but was worth it in the end. Came back Saturday and had a big family dinner. Sunday went to another very good mates house and ended up at the pub (next door) and he practically had to carry me home. (and he cleaned up spew. ewww) i may of slightly over indulged but had a good mate to take care of me. Spent all day monday in town, got stuck cos I missed the bus, so I had my good mate pick me up ( was like driving to and from work and extra time) Poor bugga. Tuesday had lunch with my baby sister and nothing much else. Thursday had a picnic at the gorge then had to finish packing to leave on Thursday morning and come home. Yay. Got to see my baby again. And might I just add, totally worth it, I think. Missed Shayne so much. We both did. Was hard having to leave a couple of people again, but it all comes back to the choic es I make.

Now I am back home, it is also time for me to face what has been happening recently, cos I haven't really had much of a chance, plus it is something Shayne and I need to talk about together.And I also need to sit down and figure out what I should do about work. I really don't want to go back, but once again, shayne and I need to talk about it. Because it doesn't just affect me I need his opinion on it as well. But will keep you all updated as usual and please don't mind any random blogs over the next few days. Will just be trying to off load.

Hope all are well and you all have  good weekend end. Take care

Karen. xx. 

Went to my doctors appointment yesterday at 11, unfortunately the news wasn't what we were hoping for. My Hcg levels had nearly halved. We discussed my options and I was about to go home as the doc didn't think he could get me in for a d&c on the day. Any way almost had the little fella strapped in the car and the doc comes up behind me and asked if he could get it done then would that be better for me. And it sounds horrible but I just wanted it over as I had already suffered so much emotionally. I called Shayne to let him know and he left work straight away. After the appointment at the hospital was made, I went home to get a little more rest because at this poiint the cramps were really quiet painful but bearable. Anthony went to sleep so I had a lay down on the couch, then I get a phonecall, Shayne went straight to the doctors, so I had to go pick him up. We cme home again, organised a baby sitter, and got some stuff ready, dropped anthony off and it was already time to head to the hospital. At this stage the pain was excruciating. I ended up on the maternity ward because that is also where day surgery is, aqs the hospital is being renovated. this is about 2.30 the nurse comes in we do the paperwork side of things, after that was done, I went to the loo. As soon as I got out of bed I passed a tennis ball sized clot and started to bleed really heavy. Changiong my pads every 45 mins adn I don't think I even bleed that much when I had Anthony. By 3.15 I was finally offered pethadine for the pain and after that I was not allowedout of bed but had to wait til 6 to be taken to theatre. Just befor I went in, I asked Shayne for a hug and he said he couldn't and turned and walked away, this broke my heart. I know its been hard on him too and he is trying to be brave for me but I needed him right at that very moment, he ended up coming back like 2 mins after and held my hand until they took me into theatre. I could see he had been crying. Obviosly I am completely unaware of what happened in theatre but I woke up at about 7.15 pm dying of thirst, and wanting Shayne. They checked my bp and pulse and all that, made sure I was able tto keep food and fluid down, ot that I was really interested in the food part but ate less than 1/2 a sandwhich and explained that it wasn't really to my likeing so we left at 9.30 picked Anthony up and came home.

Today I feel physically very well (compared to the last couple of sdays) emotionally, still very broken but I know it's no ones fault and there was nothing anyone could do. I need time to grieve but I am still planning on going monday, I think it will actually be more helpful, than sitting at home on my home, stressing about what Anthony is up too. I know whwere I am going that I will have help on hand 24/7. I am just woried about how Shayne is going to be while I am away?

Well taht is all for now, I can't really explain how I feel atm apart from numb.

Karen. xx.

Had a staff meeting today plus a small clean up which we weren't informed would happen til the end of the meeting. so peeved off. Anyway cramping and bleeding has gotton gradually worse over the last couple of days with the arrival of a couple of new symptoms. (near passing out, head aches, high blood pressure etc.) any way picked up the little fella after I was done and was driving home, had the most viscious cramping to the point I was doubling up. ANy way, phoned health direct who suggested I go see my doc by this afternoon. Got in straight away as was an obstetric complication and my gp is also a obs. Has given me panamax and told me to take it easy, said to have my already booked ultrasound tomorrow morning and come back and see him as soon as the results are available. with out an app. So I rang work and said I wouldn't be in tonight and they cracked the shits at me and told me not to bother coming in tomorrow night either. (have 2 weeks leave after that anyway) yay. so It is still a waiting game, I refuse to get upset and cry until I know exactly what is going on. and that is as I have said the hardest part, being not knowing.

Anthony is refusing to have his day naps which is stressing me out more as fter being back at work for 2 nites I am buggered. Last night I got 4.5 hrs and sundy night I got 6 hrs. so tired and the panamax is making me drowsy which it doesn't normally do to me.

Sorry to ramble about all this stuff, just need to off load and have no otheer way to do it atm. sorry I don't really have any good news at this point either. ;(.

Karen. xxx.