Over the last couple of days, Puggle has been doing some groovy moving.  She is now in perfect position to just fall out if nothing was there to hold her in.  I can feel her head when I wipe myself after the using the toilet, which she doesn't like very much!!!!!! lol.

My plug is starting to come away, and I am very sore around the cervix.  Doesn't help when there are hands and a head trying to break through either Puggle!!!!  You hear me?  I can feel everything you are doing!!!!!

We still supposedly have 6 weeks to go, but I think my gp was right after all.  His original due date calculation was 4th July, 5 weeks off what it is now.  I then told him there had been a stuff up in my dates, but I don't think I got the period part wrong!  That was still in September last year and I didn't have a positive test until November.  Reflecting, I was starting to feel pregnant around the end of October, so who know now.  Arrgggghhh! lol. 

I'm tired, moody and oh so not nice to be around at the moment.  Les and the girls are putting up with me, but only because they know who the real boss is!!!! lol.

I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.

For a while now, we have been trying to get Willow out of nappies.  For the last few months, she has been in big girl knickers during the day, with only a few small dramas (like the way she sits on the toilet and direction control!!!!  You think boys are bad!) that we knew we would have and just reminded ourselves that it is going to happen and we can't do much about it.

Well, the last week or so, Willow has been completely out of nappies!  Yay!  Knickers over night and during the day!!!!!!  Ok, we had one accident, but her bed was dry so we are thinking she didn't go to the toilet soon enough after getting out of bed.

I can't believe that after 2 years of getting our stubborn mule to understand potty training and getting her to cooperate, we have finally one the battle! 

Relief!  Now we only have 2 in nappies, though I think Laurel will be out of them during the day soon too.  Then when Puggle comes along......Ok, so one out, one in!

The battle has been hard as Willow is well, Willow.  She doesn't have any issues, like Austism etc, but geez, this girl will look at you with a blank stare when you talk to her.  This gets Mummy's back up, I can tell you!

Hopefully, things will keep going well, and I will win the vacant stare battle too  before much longer!

It is 2am in the usually easy going town of Gympie, but it seems to be all go outside our place right now.

At 1am, I went for my shower, as Les had gone to bed and I really needed to reduce the aching in my back.  Here I am, scrubbing away (and trying to keep the shampoo out of my eyes! lol.) when all of a sudden, I can hear a helicopter!  OMG!  It sounded like it was going to land on our roof it was that loud!

No such luck!  Damn!  Going to have to wait until the next 4 bedroom house comes up instead of forcing the issue with a high flying machine! lol.

I finished up, got dressed, and went tearing outside to see what all the fuss was.  We live across the road from Gympie State High School oval.  Over by the entry gate was an ambulance and a medic support vehicle.  Ok, obviously the heli-pad by the hospital can't be used, as it is rather foggy out there tonight!

Well, this helicopter has been flying around in circles non stop for the past hour, shining it's spotlight right into our windows, so now I don't know what to think.  It is like they are looking for someone, but there are no police cars anywhere, only the ambulance and support vehicle.

The noise has been deafening to say the least, and my girls are all stirring, so I don't think it will be long and I will be dragging the futon cushion onto the floor, grabbing all the spare blankets and bunking down with my girls for the night, only I won't be sleeping! lol.

Yeah, I'm a sticky beak, especially when it comes to something that affects my family, and this is!!!!!!!!

Oh well, it's gone quiet again, but for how long.  Best keep moving.  Maybe it will be on the news tomorrow night, who knows, I just want to know why they are waking us up in the middle of the night with the constant back and forth of the over grown mosquito!!!!!!!!!!

As I may or may not have mentioned before, there is some debate as to my due dates.  By ultrasound I'm due 13 August this year, by clinical size, I'm due around 20 July.  Big discrepancy and it has had me somewhat worried.  Ultrasound dates then put me currently at about 33 weeks, GP's put me at about 37 weeks!

I have had 2 ultrasounds done now, one here in Gympie, and the other in Brisbane due to a lack of being able to see whether there was a potential complication with my little Puggle's chest cavity and lungs.  Both give the same dates, and I have trusted them more than the clinical measurings of a General Practioner (gp).

I've never been very good at keeping track of my menstrual cycles, having better things to dwell on as we all do, so accuracy on that score is a no go.  The 2 pregnancy tests I did were in November last year.  The first, was negative, and the second 2 weeks later was positive.  Well, I am now thinking back that far as hard as I can, and I seem to remember that Acacia (who was still breastfeeding at the time) became fussier on the breast earlier than me doing any of the tests.  This by the way, can be an indication of re-habitation of the uterus, ie pregnancy.

What is starting to convince me that I am closer to my GP's truth is the things my body is currently experiencing.  I've had regular periods of braxton hicks contractions for some time now.  These have changed over the last 2 weeks and are forming a very notable pattern.

During the day, they are weaker, less often and not as intense.  Night time however is a different matter.  From about 8:30pm, they are constant, more intense and regular, like every few minutes lasting for upto a minute each.  They don't really hurt, more annoying than anything else.  That is provided I don't stand up!  Wow!  Ouch!  Hello gravity! 

Standing up, they are worse, can stop me in my tracks and take my breath away!  Oh Les is having so much fun laughing at me too, though he's smart enough to keep the amusement only in his eyes!  I can still see it!!!!

The other thing is that these night actions are causing my blood pressure to drop even more.  BH hits, and suddenly I'm having to steady myself and I can feel the blood draining from my face!  I so don't like that feeling.

I also feel bigger and I'm pretty sure Puggle is trying to scratch her own way out too.  Yikes, I can feel her hands playing around with my cervix!  No joke, baby #5, it is just one thing I've learned along the way!  I didn't realise just how big I really am until I wore a dress the other day that I hadn't worn in about a month, and oh boy, not going to be able to wear it again for a while!  Rapid expansion happened and I didn't even notice!  Les did though, could have told me!!!!!

So, now I have to just wait and see what is happening.  A trip to my GP might be a good idea, as would getting to the OB at the hospital (apparently a 2 week wait for an appointment!!!!!!  And that's just to be seen by the midwives!).

Oh boy, there's another one!  I'm sitting down and my blood pressure is still dropping!  Arrrggggghhhhh!

Recent events, both in my own life (talking the last 2 years) and the recent spate of highly publicised tragic cases of child abuse and neglect in Australia, have finally prompted me to see that I do ok as a mum, better than ok, I do a great job compared to some.

Having children was something I always wanted, but never thought would happen, especially after 4 miscarriages, and so when Ayla came along, my world was turned upside down, but in a good way.

Willow followed 12 months and 14 days later, and while I was stressed having 2 little ones to look after, I was content.  It helped that Les and I both worked for a tourist park in Gympie as the after hours managers so I still had adult contact and was really enjoying having a nice balance between parenting and a part time job.

The real problems began when we left the park and moved right into the bush, the kind of place where your neighbours were 5 mins away.  Les was working fulltime, and I was left with 2 little kids, alone, I had noone to talk to or to help.

During our time here, we had to deal with the landlady from hell, though she only ever attacked me and threatened me, never Les.  That's what we get for taking the first house we were offered, and for me not putting my lead foot down!!!!!

My depression really sank in, and i began to lose it with my then 2 and 1 year olds.  I was drowning and really believing that I was a terrible mother and that I deserved to lose my babies.

We eventually left that place, and had rougher times ahead, including a temporary seperation, but not because of our relationship (still can't find how to write about this experience without making Les out to be a monster, which he isn't).  I was hearing and seeing how other people viewed me as a parent, at least that's how it felt.

Things went downhill to the point that out of desperation, I called children's services because I couldn't do it alone any more, and was in a caravan park, no car and the shops were like an hours walk away.  by this time, Laurel had joined the family, and Acacia was on the way.

Children's Services referred me to a local group, who came out and saw what was going on, and they really were the turning point for me.  They said I was doing a fantastic job, my kids were such happy little things and that given the circumstances, they had no concerns about their welfare.  They said it was ok to lose it, most parents do at some point and that as far as they were concerned, their sending back a report of children at risk was going to be a waste of time.  They did keep trying to help the girls and I move back to Gympie (were in Tin Can Bay with no help services!) and between them and the local youth services, it was achieved.

Back to Gympie, and after a few more weeks, Les was back too, though not able to live with us (Youth service house rules).  The local community housing group found us our current house, and things really started to look up.  I started to feel a little better, and then Acacia was born.

I plummeted again into believing I was a bad mother, and things were becoming strained once again.  Thankfully, Les sent me the link to Minti, and I was able to start picking myself up again.  I really don't know where  I would be without all the support I've gained from here.

Now, expecting my 5th child in August, I don't feel so afraid that I will fall from sanity (what little any parent can truely have!) as I know that none of you will let me.

After joining minti, and seeing that my children are just the same as everyone elses, I realised that I am a good mother, I do provide for their every need and I go without if need be.  I've learnt that it is ok to lose it with my girls, even if it happens daily, and that what really matters is that they are happy and smiling and LOVED, which they are.

yep, tragic events around Australia recently have reinforced to me that I am a good mother.  My girls have had a great start to life, even if the first 4 years have been spent bumping from place to place.  They took to the adventures with enthusiasm and love new places and experiences.

If anyone were to report me to the authorities, I'd let Welfare come in, because I know that I already have a file with them that states my children are not considered to be at risk, no even low risk, of abuse, neglect or mistreatment.  I'd welcome a formal investigation because at the end, I know that my girls are going nowhere.

Yes, I am a good mother, and I will keep thinking like that because if I don't, then I am letting my girls down.

Oh gosh, I'm in absolute tears writing this, but it feels good to say that while I'm not the best mother in the world, I am the best mother for my girls and they are safe, happy, loved and love me!

Oh, and Les, you put up with so much from me, and I did feel as though I let you down, but we are stronger for everything we have been through, even when there were those trying to keep us apart.  You are my world and I am so grateful that we both took the risk of having our hearts trampled 7+years ago, because I have never once felt like I was unsafe with you around.  I love you so much, and feel as though I don't always look after you properly, but you are a grown man and I'm sure you will always let me know when there is something I can do to help you, not that you can hide anything from me now, I'm watching you like a hawk!!!!

Ok, Thursday I stuck to the plan and went and had my Glucose Tolerance Test done.  Yep, was a good girl on that score!  I took my book with me, and prepared for the 2+ hours it was going to take (they take a base line reading sample and then one every hour for 2 hours after you drink a special glucose drink).

Here the craziness begins! lol.  They took the base reading, ran it, and then shoved the drink at me.  Oh it was heaven!  So cold, sweet and full of flavour and fizzy!!!!!!  Yum!  After not having had anything but water from 10pm the night before, it was pure heaven, and I drank it all within the 5 mins they allowed, actually, it took me about 30 seconds! lol.

My first hour, I sat in the waiting room reading my book.  Oh peace and quiet!  Wow!  I read like 6 chapters in 1 hour!!!!!!!  Yippeee!!!!!  Then I had the next lot of blood taken, all the while the collection nurse was fussing over how I was feeling.  I was fine, a little 'low', but fine.  Ok, I was starving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My next hour I spent outside in the smoking area (hey, I'd already gone 1+ hours without!), reading my book and then talking with the pathology nurses.  They were really nice people and were very concerned I was there alone! lol.

My last lot of blood was taken and they made me a cuppa and gave me some biscuits, which they snuck out the back door for me!  Ssshhh!  They were naughty! lol.

Off home we went, after Les called me to say he was done at the docs (got his own tests to do!  Suffer!!!!! lol) and relaxed until the afternoon.

Ok, I enjoyed being away from the girls at the hospital!!!! Trust me! lol.  Yet, I can't stand being an in-patient!  Go figure!

We went to pick up Ayla from school, checking the mail box on the way.  No bills!  Yay!!  But a very surprising letter from Cooloola Community Housing, who are our property managers (CCH is a midway point to Public Housing, only the properties are privately owned, but we pay the Public Housing Rent) thanking us for the wonderful experience of them inspecting our property.  They love us! lol.  We don't have the neatest house, but they don't care and are really doing everything to look after us!!!!  A big change to how we have been treated in the private rental market!!!!!!

Got Ayla, and went to get a new bed, as Laurel is big enough now for a single bed.  Well, after some debate, we decided to get Ayla a new bed, and Laurel would have her old one, so we can put the rails back up (convertible bunks)  It arrived today and Les is currently doing a furniture shuffle.  I'm keeping out of that one!  Going to be much excitement tonight! lol.

Finished there, went to get some shopping done, and pick up my layby.  All cool until I needed to use the toilet.  Les took the girls down to the car to load up (takes awhile as you can imagine! lol) and i headed to the toilet. 

Here the day fell apart, and so did I!  I carefully opened the door, as it is a small room to say the least, and the cleaner was behind it, though I didn't hit her, only her bucket.  I said sorry and she said: 'Oh, I bet you are!  You might as well use the toilet as no one listens to the signs any way.'  Well, I told her that I hadn't seen the cleaning sign, and she said it was up.  I did my business, and when I came out of the cubicle, she practically 'mopped' me out of the way, and then left!  I was so upset at being treated so rudely, especially seeing as the sign saying the toilets were closed for cleaning wasn't up at all!  I checked on the way out, and I'm pretty sure it was the same sign as when I went in.

Outcome, a formal complaint is going to be made to centre management over the incident, something which Les and I are going to do together as he doesn't like when I get upset like that.  Ok, so I burst into tears when I made it back to the car!  And yeah, could have been I was tired, but it also wasn't the first time I've been treated rudely by this cleaner!!!!!!!

Well, then I spent the day yesterday in 'nesting' mode.  Wow!  Washing is almost all caught up, but I think I need a few more days break before going nuts again! lol.  At least I was in bed before midnight!!!!!!

Hope every one else is having a good weekend.  And Dannii, I'm having sympathy pains for you!  Not kidding either! lol.  Hope it won't be too long for you now sweetie!

yeah, we all have the flu again.  Les is pretty crook with it at the moment, and all the girls are suffering from coughing, sneezing etc.  Me, well, I'm pretending it hasn't hit me yet, but that isn't going to last much longer.

It is really bad timing, like there is ever a good time for the flu.  I have my obstetric appointment at the hospital tomorrow, but will have to cancel it.  Why/?  Well, I can't take Willow, Laurel and Acacia with me as I could be waiting upto 3 hours to be seen, and I can't leave them at home with Les as he is not the best and I don't want him getting a migraine right now (not that I ever want him to have one).  It is so typical.  Every time I make appointments for me, I have to cancel them for one reason or another.  i'll probably also have to cancel my Glucose Tolerance Test on Thursday morning too, just so that Les will have the energy to keep his doc appointment to get his prescription.

Oh, and the way I've been feeling the last few days, I'm starting to get worried about going into preterm labour.  Had really bad back pain that is now squeezing round the front (not like my braxton hicks which are a gentle squeeze all over) and it kept me awake much of last night, not that sleep was on the cards any way, being on nursing duty and all.  Couch is going to have to put up with me again tonight too!  And I still haven't had my shower yet!  Yikes!  I'm so going to pong by the moring!

Les went to bed at about 10pm due to a bad headache, and I have been trying to concentrate on catching up on some of my computer time, but I am still jumping up every few minutes to see to one or other of the girls.

I tell you what, I will be so glad when my girls are old enough to look after themselves when they are sick!  That will be in about 15 years!

Hope everyone else is keeping the flu away, this is round 5 of it here in the last 6 months!

I'm a writer by nature.  Love it and love seeing my end results.  There have been times in my life when all I have done is write, though much of my works are currently absent from me in storage.

I have even written several articles for Minti, and they have also been posted on a writing site called Helium.  i had fun writing these articles and was pleased with the end results, otherwise I wouldn't have hit the publish button.

My writing takes many forms. Articles,  short stories, essays, poetry, blogs, comments on blogs and I've even been dabbling in the realms of writing my own novel.  All forms are great, all forms beneficial to me and hopefully the reader and all forms come naturally to me.

I find inspiration for writing from my life and my imagination.  No end of inspiration in sight.  But inspiration isn't my problem at the moment.  As much as I try, I can't sit down and write for long.  There seems to be no motivation to actually commit to a task and see it through.

Helium has not seen an article from me in six months, minti probably longer.  My creative writings are very badly neglected too.  Yes, I'm still blogging and commenting and answering questions, and through MyLot, having discussions on life in general, but they are short pieces that just flow off my fingers and straight to the computer.

The real problem is when I sit down with pen and paper and try to structure some writing.  Oops, brick wall.  It is very unusual for me to go this long without writing something worthwhile publishing (my blogs aside) and it is starting to annoy me!  I love my writing.  I love using pen and paper, but at the moment, I end up drawing silly pictures instead of putting words down.

Even now, I'm running out of juice to keep going.  Sheesh, I'm so glad I don't rely on my writing for a living, I'd be broke by now.

I know that my writing groove will come back, and with a vengence but it is still frustrating me quite a bit.  Maybe someone could set me a writing task, I don't know.  Les is trying to get me to take on some of his writing work for which he gets paid, and I might have a look and see if I can do it, but I miss sitting for hours with my pens and paper and forming a word map.

Ok, it is far too late for me to concentrate now.  I've had my brain exercise for now.

Hope everyone has a great week.  Oh, and if you are in Perth, hope you missed out on that tornado.

Our internet has been playing up over the last week so I haven't been game to try anything online for fear of losing my hard work.  It is all sorted out now though, fingers crossed.

The problem was our modem.  The power pack in it seems to have been dying, so we got onto to Telstra about it and they have sent us a new one and it is working just fine now.

At first, we thought the problem might have been caused by the localised flooding we have had in Gympie, affecting the lines, but it kept happening at the same time every day, down would go our service.  Then we thought they might have been doing line maintenance, but at 11am?  No.

Oh well, all fixed now, and I can be here as much as I like again, in between laundry duties.

And yes, I'm going to keep blogging.  I've decided that any hurt it causes Les is better than me keeping things in and really hurting him.  A man's pride can be hurt very easily, but he also knows that everything I have done has been for him and the girls and that sometimes he is just going to have to let me get things out of my system, even if he doesn't like what I write.  Of course, if it is something that is really bad, I'll delete the blog at his request. 

Hope those of you in South East Queensland haven't been flooded out of house and home, been very wet here and had some bridge and road closures due to flooding, including just over the other side of the hill we are perched on.

Have a great weekend and enjoy the 3 days off (if you are in Australia).