I studied the mind a bit through college - cognitive science is a fairly new field that focuses primarily on the mind. But school topics never got as in depth as the experience I’m getting watching our boy grow up.

We learn about the differences between comprehension and production. The way I remember it is that it is easier to understand messages than it is to produce them. When message get transmitted, there are all sorts of stimuli that one can use to form the basic concept of the message. Generating those stimuli so that the receiver will get the right message is more complex. Takes an understanding of communication and some argue, a mental model of the recipient.

So that’s why I question how much Sal “knows”. Part of it is the typical skepticism that I have in life. I want to protect us from projecting my own wants and desires (around his level of development and understanding) upon him. Our testbed recently has been his sign language.

We’re using quite a few signs now and he’s really comfortable using them. Though they aren’t quite perfect. If it was, this journey would hardly be as interesting.

We taught him “please” early on. He would sign “more” and we would ask him to sign “please” and then we’d give him more of whatever he was requesting. But I got the feeling he saw this as just an additional hoop we were asking him to jump through - afterall, the “more” message was pretty clearly delivered. And when he was in a good mood, the “please” sign would be all smiles and sugar and spice…and when he was in other moods, the “please” sign would have a bit of attitude behind it. It could have easily also meant “Now!” or “Do it or I will throw a tantrum” or “I’m only doing this cause you’re asking me and I don’t really mean ‘please’ but it’s the only way I’m going to get what I want, so I’ll do it”.

Yes. He’s got a lot of emotion behind the signs. And/or I’ve got an imagination on overdrive.
Still, the notion of “please” is too abstract for him to appreciate I think. There’s no need for social graces at his age. He doesn’t always recognize himself in pictures or the mirror - so his sense of self isn’t quite developed. Why would he have a sense of social interactions and the need for such pleasantries?

And the sign could just be in response to us saying the word “please” to him. He doesn’t know what it means, just that when we say it, he needs to react a certain way. He’s learned cause and effect, but not really any meaning.

Till, he started signing it on his own. First, probably out of habit. The “more please” set of signs were so frequent, that he probably just optimized the situation and decided that he’ll usually sign both at the same time, since that’s what it usually takes to get what he wants. Sometimes they are even out of order. He’s just doing the necessary signs to get what he wants. At least he knew how to game the system.

Then he started using it in different contexts. When he wanted something for the first time, he started signing “please”. There was no “more” part to it. Or when he needs help with something - “please” is the sign he’s found most helpful. He’s found that other signs don’t get as much interest when he’s struggling with something new. When he wants to reach a new object on a desk, signing “banana” doesn’t get him it. Nor does “more” nor “apple” nor “ride”…because we’ll understand that to mean something else. But when he signs “please” and we have no context, we’ll go out of our way to figure out what it is he’s after - what we can do to help him out, since he’s made such a polite request.

So, he’s learned how to really game the system. Some signs lead to us interacting with him more. Us being more curious about what he means instead of saying “oh, you’ll have to wait till lunch for your apple” we’ll probe him more and introduce him to all sorts of items on the desk until he gets exactly what he wanted. He has gotten much better at manipulating us, one might say.

But I don’t mind - because, after all, isn’t manipulation exactly what communication is all about? Working together to get to the same idea. I’ve been speaking as long as I can “remember” (what were my memories like - what shape did they take before I could talk? I do not know…) and so it’s really natural for me to take it for granted. I think that’s why it’s so fun to watch communication evolve in this little guy…

Tags: parenting, baby sign language, communication