Ellie’s finally gone down for an arvo nap. I feel a little bit out of whack today as Ellie stayed awake this morning when we normally have a little sleep together waiting for James’s alarm to go off, so everything has been happening at a totally different time to normal. Not that we have a water tight routine, but she does tend to do things at around the same time each day.

We had a cat turn up at our front door last night wanting to come in, it was like it thought it lived here poor thing. This morning it was gone and I was kind of disappointed, I thought maybe Scraps could have a friend and it would keep him occupied!!

I have been invited to a cooking party plan night with some of James’s workmates, I don’t really know if I should go or not, I’m leading towards not because James asked them if I could take Ellie and I figure if I am going to spend the night looking after her anyway I may as well do it in the comfort of my own home. I think if I wanted to go it would be for a night without the baby and I guess I feel like him asking if she could go means he would prefer not to have her.

For now I would just like to have a shower on my own or something along those lines. Something simple.

Anyway, she’s awake again - I don’t know why she won’t stay asleep in the afternoons. I put her down and she’s awake again in 5-10 minutes but if I pick her up she’s out like a light!! It gets quite frustrating because I know she needs to sleep.

We’ve been seeing little smiles from Ellie for awhile now, especially when she’s sleeping but today she gave me the biggest most beautiful smiles

I don’t know when I’ll get more ‘coz now she’s grumpy as. She’s been having trouble going to sleep this afternoon, she’ll doze off, but then something will wake her - mostly it’s Scraps deciding that right then is a great time to bark. He’s really driving me mad. Admitedly, his barking has gotten better lately, it’s just that he picks the wrong times to go off. It’s almost as if he waits until I am feeding her, changing her, just got her off to sleep or when I am about to go to sleep myself. It’s really getting on my nerves right now.

Well, I’d best get some dinner on.

The night before last we had a beautiful night with Ellie. She slept her longest stretch of four hours, followed by a three and 2 two hour stretches and after each feed, nappy change and burp I would put her in her cot and she would put herself back to sleep and stay that way until her next feed. Not once did I have to resettle her, not once did she have problems with wind. It was a blissful night, making yesterday a nice easy day where I only needed a little nap in the morning and then could get on with the house work.

I was feeling good and, while looking at my beautiful sleeping girl I thought that maybe I would be able to do all this over again, that there was hope that Ellie wouldn’t be a spoilt only child. Today, however, that hope is quite a bit dimmer!

Last night was a shocker. Ellie didn’t want to go to sleep when I put her down for the night, it took awhile to get her settled. Her first sleep was three hours, which was fine. Once she was fed and changed, though, our problems began! I put her to bed and she grizzled for awhile before falling asleep, so I went to bed. I was just dozing off when she started crying in pain. I spent almost an hour comforting and settling her, got an hours sleep then had to do it all again.

I don’t know if the fact that she’s got wind again is because I missed a dose of Infacol or if we just got lucky when we started on it.

I’m thinking I would prefer many average nights over a good night, bad night cycle.

Friday night we had a shocking night with Ellie so we decided we’d try Infacol and I think maybe it’s doing something… It’s only early days, though.

I can’t believe she’s going to be 4 weeks old tomorrow!! She’s getting so big!

I have to go to the dentist tonight… I got a bad tooth ache yesterday when I broke my tooth pretty bad Ouchies. Dentists scare me.

Last night was horrible! I spent hours trying to settle her between feeds because of bad wind. It was frustrating, distressing and exhausting. This morning our sleep only lasted an hour, so I’m terribly tired. Ellie’s whingy and windy, I think maybe I should take her to the doctors, just incase there’s something they can give me for her. I don’t like her being in pain and not  sleeping well.

We didn’t give her a bath or shower yesterday, so I am wondering if that’s one of the reasons things were so difficult last night. I just wish she could tell me why she’s crying!

Scraps has been barking today, but this time he actually had a reason. There’s a blue tongue lizard in our yard and he’s not sure about it. He wanted to go up to it but he was scared so he was barking his head off and every time he went closer to it from behind, it would do this weird jump to face him, flatten it’s body and hiss at him

I have a headache and a tummy ache. I can’t wait for this magic settling down everyone keeps going on about!

I’m so glad it’s Friday, that James will be staying home with me tomorrow. I’m really missing the time we used to have, the talks we used to have in bed at night and the cuddles we would have in the morning.

Last night was heaps better! She’s still not sleeping longer but she only woke three times, we did our feed, change, feed thing and she went back to sleep like an angel, each time. Not once did I have to get back up to re-settle her This morning she slept in her cot again, which I am really pleased with.

Right now she’s being a bit clingy and whingy, but that’s okay. She’s very spewy today, it seems she’s throwing up every 5 minutes and it seems to be alot of vomit.

I worry that I am not giving her enough stimulation when she’s awake. Her most wakeful time is when I am making dinner and if, like last night, James is late then I put her in her rocker but I worry that she’s not getting enough to help her grow and develop mentally.

I’m feeling pretty sick I don’t know why. I feel like I want to vomit. It’s pretty taxing to look after Ellie when I am feeling like this and it’s hard to get the rest to feel better especially when she’s being so demanding. I don’t think she’s feeling great either.

So, Ellie’s gone to a pretty steady 2 and a bit hour ‘routine’ since going to bed last night, which is heaps better than the night before, though still not great. She seems to be having long drinks, so I’m not entirely sure why she isn’t starting to sleep longer, too.
I’ve had a little success with day sleeps today - this morning she slept in the cot! Yay! So, my sleep was heaps better because I didn’t have to be aware of her next to me in the bed. Obviously, I am feeling so much better today

Today I feel like crap - Ellie’s beautiful sleeping/eating pattern of three hours has disappeared. Now I’m struggling to get her to go down for a day sleep unless she’s near me, so in the morning we have a sleep together in my bed and in the afternoon I can sometimes get her in the cot but today she’s sleeping on a cushion next to me on the couch. Obviously, I am not getting much done in the house while she sleeps, which is annoying because by the end of last week I was doing really well and feeling up to cleaning and having the house cleaner was really making me feel good.
Her night routine is bad at the moment, too. Last night her longest sleep went for two and a half hours. The other sleeps were one and a half hours, 1 hour and 40 minutes and she was so hard to settle for most of them. I have no idea why she’s suddenly changed her routine. Growth spurt? Wind? Over tired? I don’t know, but I am finding it really hard. It’s so frustrating, especially when she’s so tired and wont settle or stay asleep for a decent time.
I feel like everyone thinks I’m going to be a good mum while I am here thinking I am anything but. I end up in tears very easily at the moment and I don’t feel like I have enough to give Ellie. Last night I was thinking James should stay home with her because he’s so good with her and that maybe he’d be better for her development. I hate feeling like this. I just look at her and want the best for her and I don’t know if I am giving her that, plus I don’t know how I can when I am feeling this upset, tired and frustrated.
I know it’s normal to feel down and overwhelmed in these first few weeks, but I also know that I need to be aware of the fact that I am probably more likely to get post natal depression… I am just hoping that what people say is true; they keep telling me that it gets better. If it doesn’t, I’m not sure I can cope and I am not sure I would be able to have another baby, which will be so sad, I want a baby boy!
I know, I am complaining alot. I do love being a mum, I love my beautiful baby girl, she’s so perfect! I love her to death, it’s just tough.
James is beautiful with her, too, which really makes me proud. Though, lately he’s not spending as much time with her, but he’s so doting.

On the 21st I finally started having regular contractions, especially when Mum and James were walking me around the hospital and the up by the river. I was beginning to think my plans for not having an epidural was a little silly because, seriously, they hurt! James was absolutely wonderful. While we were walking, we had to stop every two minutes and James would put his arms around me and help me rock back and forwards, even though we were out in the open and everyone could see us. He was so strong and helped me through each new pain as they came.

Time passed and nothing much else happened. I was so tired. The doctor arrived in the evening to check how things were going and broke my waters, which made my contractions so much worse. Then he told us we had two options, a caesar or have a drip and see how labour goes, with the very real possibility of having to have an emergency caesar the next morning.

James and I talked it over and decided to go ahead with the caesar as an emergency caesar would be much more traumatic for both Ellie and I. I was upset in the moments leading up to our decision. I had not wanted to have to take this road, I was exhausted and scared but as the midwife got me ready with tight white ’socks’ and a hospital gown I began to feel calm.

The theater staff were wonderful, holding my hands and talking to my while I had a spinal put in which happened to coincide with the last contraction I would feel. I was laid on the table and a sheet was put up between my neck and my body and I started to worry as James still hadn’t been brought in and I could feel the Doctor tugging. Before I could get too nervous, James arrived, all decked out like a doctor.

It was a strange experience, nothing hurt but I could feel tugging and pulling. Eventually, there was a cry and I knew my baby girl was okay. I was so relieved and overwhelmed. I looked at James and he had tears in his eyes, at that moment I knew I should never have been worried about him bonding with her. They took her, cleaned her and had James cut the cord then wrapped her and gave her to him. He looked so proud. I watched him with her while the doctor fixed me up. It was over so quick!

Once I was stitched up I was taken to recovery where I got to hold her for a moment before James and the midwife went and took her up to maternity to be checked, weighed and dressed. I was a little bit distressed when they left me there, especially after such a short hold of my precious baby girl.

For the first few days it was tough, I was confined to the bed and was unable to do much more than feed her. It was good that James was so into looking after her, that he was so besotted by her from the very first moment he saw her. At the same time I felt distressed that I couldn’t get up and do anything for her, especially when everyone else left at night and it was just me and her.

I really disliked being in the hospital, I hated the nights and early mornings alone. I found that when I did need a midwife and buzzed them they were often with the people either side of my room as they had babies that seemed to cry all the time and my calls would either go unanswered, bring a nurse who wasn’t from the maternity ward and couldn’t really help or brought a midwife who would “Be right back.” but never managed to come back.

Every morning I would intently watch the clock and wait for James or mum to turn up and every morning it seemed to be later when they eventually turned up, which I found very upsetting.

By the time I left I was so ready to go!!

Now, we’re two weeks, two days down the track. I’m tired, the house is a mess and every single day is different from the one before. For the most part, Ellie’s doing well. Sometimes, we have tough days where she has bad gas and cries alot - I hate those days because I hate her being upset and in pain. Every day she seems bigger, more alert and interested in whatever’s going on. I worry about everything, as a new mum does. My biggest worry currently is how much time Ellie gets with James now that he’s back at work. I’m worried the novelty has worn off for him, that he’s too tired from work and our sleepless nights to be as doting as he has been before now. I worry about my ability to cope with so little sleep and so much to worry about and so little down time. But she’s beautiful, such a character and I’m so glad we accidentally fell pregnant!