Where to start, Where to start.......

Ive been feeling abit down lately.  I can feel the depression creeping up on me again.  Im trying to fight it and Im trying to get rid of the negative thoughts but bloody hell its hard some days.  I cant pinpoint where it started but I think its just been sitting in the wings waiting to snatch me by suprise again.  It has been a rough 2yrs and I have been fighting it best I can but at every turn there is another shitty thing waiting to get me.  Sure there have been good things aswell and Im sure my problems are smaller than most peoples but they are mine, so ofcourse that makes them 10 times worse.

We have decided to move back near our families which I am having mixed emotions about.  I want to go home for the support and the closeness but at the same time I dont want to go for those exact reasons.  We have been away for almost 4yrs now and we are quite comfortable just dealing with our own stuff.  Families can add so much drama but I think thats what I need right now.  We dont do anything on the weekends, We dont have a life, some drama might be just what I need.  Life can feel so mundane.  I feel like I am always cooking cleaning and looking after kids.  We dont have any friends here and to be honest, I cant be bothered.  I made friends in our last town and I dont know if I have the energy to go through all that getting to know the fast version of people again only to leave.

I have not had a good run health wise since we moved here and I think that has played a big part in things.  First I was pregnant and threw up for the first 6months then I had him and was exhausted.   Then I was on 3 different kinds of contraception which left me bleeding, sick and exhausted for 7 months and over the last month I have had my tubes tied, and just as I was recovering from that I got Kidney stones and just when I had recovered from that I got a bloody head cold!!!  My body is crashing and burning on me and I feel absolutely exhausted! 

Thats what prompted the decision to go home I think. I've had enough of doing everything on my own.  Hubby works night shift so he is not here to help out much and  I pride myself on being a strong independant woman but there is only so much I can do. 

Now we just have to wait to try and get a job.  In the mean time I have to try to stop the never ending stream of tears that well up over the most ridiculas things.  I get angry at myself for letting this happen, for not being stronger, for not being able to cope.  I know I shouldnt beat myself up but, those of you who get depression will understand that "should" is a dangerous word!  "I should be stronger"  "I should be able to cope"  "I should have a clean house"  "I should be perfect" 

No matter how old we get we always want our mummy's in the end.