Where to start, Where to start.......

Ive been feeling abit down lately.  I can feel the depression creeping up on me again.  Im trying to fight it and Im trying to get rid of the negative thoughts but bloody hell its hard some days.  I cant pinpoint where it started but I think its just been sitting in the wings waiting to snatch me by suprise again.  It has been a rough 2yrs and I have been fighting it best I can but at every turn there is another shitty thing waiting to get me.  Sure there have been good things aswell and Im sure my problems are smaller than most peoples but they are mine, so ofcourse that makes them 10 times worse.

We have decided to move back near our families which I am having mixed emotions about.  I want to go home for the support and the closeness but at the same time I dont want to go for those exact reasons.  We have been away for almost 4yrs now and we are quite comfortable just dealing with our own stuff.  Families can add so much drama but I think thats what I need right now.  We dont do anything on the weekends, We dont have a life, some drama might be just what I need.  Life can feel so mundane.  I feel like I am always cooking cleaning and looking after kids.  We dont have any friends here and to be honest, I cant be bothered.  I made friends in our last town and I dont know if I have the energy to go through all that getting to know the fast version of people again only to leave.

I have not had a good run health wise since we moved here and I think that has played a big part in things.  First I was pregnant and threw up for the first 6months then I had him and was exhausted.   Then I was on 3 different kinds of contraception which left me bleeding, sick and exhausted for 7 months and over the last month I have had my tubes tied, and just as I was recovering from that I got Kidney stones and just when I had recovered from that I got a bloody head cold!!!  My body is crashing and burning on me and I feel absolutely exhausted! 

Thats what prompted the decision to go home I think. I've had enough of doing everything on my own.  Hubby works night shift so he is not here to help out much and  I pride myself on being a strong independant woman but there is only so much I can do. 

Now we just have to wait to try and get a job.  In the mean time I have to try to stop the never ending stream of tears that well up over the most ridiculas things.  I get angry at myself for letting this happen, for not being stronger, for not being able to cope.  I know I shouldnt beat myself up but, those of you who get depression will understand that "should" is a dangerous word!  "I should be stronger"  "I should be able to cope"  "I should have a clean house"  "I should be perfect" 

No matter how old we get we always want our mummy's in the end.

I swear Im losing the plot, going down the gurgler, a sandwich short of a picnic, just plain loco.  It has been raining here for about a week now and I cant stands it no more!~!!!!

Any of you that suffer depression from time to time will no that cloudy, miserable rainy days can be public enemy number 1!  I feel so caged.  Me and the little fella usually go for walks to the shop atleast every other day simply coz  I hate sitting around the house all the time.  The walls close in on me.

My poor 11yr old has copped the brunt of it today.  I let him stay home from school coz of the miserable weather and man did I regret that an hour after the bus left without him!  Im very used to my own space so today, not only was it rainy and miserable but my eldest was home as well as hubby (grumpy coz he came off night shift and stays up all day) and the baby has decided to teeth again this week. 

I went bananas.  I dont even know if Im making sense right now.  The big one is sitting on the floor 3meters away from me watching tv with his head phones on but laughing sporadically and it is making me want to rip my ears off!!  I feel like running outside in the rain naked and screaming at the top of my lungs.

Do you think Im ready for the funny farm?  I certainly do. LOL

 I read in my baby book that no matter what time you put your baby down he/she will still wake at 5-6am.  I had one of these babies, he would go down for the night at 6pm and was up and ready to go at 5-6am.  He went to bed so early coz the book also said not to let him sleep past 4pm. I thought there was nothing I could do about it, so I suffered through months of 5am starts.

Recently I put my little fella down for a late nap at 3pm coz he was super tired and there was no way I could keep him off the ropes until 5.30, like I did most afternoons by bouncing around like an idiot and letting him touch "naughty stuff", he was having none of it!  So I chucked him in his cot and he went off to sleep.  He didnt wake up until 5pm.  I was a little worried about what this would do to his schedule and was panicking that he would not go to bed until 10pm (another thing it said in the book). 

Anyway, we had a really happy night, bub was up to have dinner with us for once, he got to see his daddy who is usually still in bed (shift worker) when he goes down for the night and he eventually had a bath at about 7.30 and was in bed sound asleep by 8.30.

The next morning he didnt get up until 8am!!!!!  He started to stir at about 7 but didnt want to get up until 8!

I thought it must have been a fluke but I tried again the next night, and again the next and what do you know, my baby is in the best routine he's ever had!  He goes down for a nap about 2.30 - 3pm and sleeps for anywhere up to 2 hours and he is happy as larry all night long!  Why????  Coz I IGNORED THE BOOK!!!!

How many other ways could my life been easier if I ignored the book?  How much more sleep could I have gotten if I ignored the book?  How much more sanity could I have if I ignored the book? 

Im not saying that I should be your new guru and you should ignore the book and listen to me, I know nothing!  What I am saying is ignore the book and listen to you! 

How much of our own instincts do we ignore when it comes to our own kids?  How many unrealistic expectations do we have on ourselves and our children due to all the information we have now?  I mean, our parents didnt seem to have such a rough time raising us, nor did our grandparents.  They didnt have mothers groups or the internet or virtual parenting groups online.....  They just did it. 

My mum often asks me "how did you kids survive with me putting soft toys in the cot or giving u peanut butter at 6monts or how you still have any teeth in your head with the honey on the dummy trick"  I tell her "dumb luck lady..... dumb luck"  But it's not dumb luck, it was instict that made us survive, nothing but good old fashioned mothers instinct. 

They didnt have u-bewt baby books for the cave men yet they managed to keep enough babies alive to start civilisation and they even left a few "not quite right" babies on the mountain.... (the dingo's really did get their babies).

The books and baby whisperers of our day are convincing us that babies are capable of sleeping through the night from birth and now they can bloody well talk to us too!  Dear God, I have an 11 yr old that wont shut up asking for things, I dont need the baby bossing me around just yet.  I think all these new aged gurus are doing nothing but doing our heads in.  Now we think there is something wrong if our 3month old isn't sleeping through the night so we pay a stranger a couple of grand to come in and make it sleep.  We would be better off using the $2k to go to a spa for the week end! 

Well thats all the preaching I can do for the moment, its 7am and my baby is starting to stir.....  Im off to Burn the book. Ciao!