wondered why someone did something really hurtful, like knowingly hurtful? And for years you wonder why they did it?
Well, most of you know the wedding speech story of life but for those that don't after months, weeks, days and HOURS of warning, my father stood up and said... "I didn't know I had to give a speech" and prattled on about himself for 5 or 10 mins (apparently he has improved and gave my brother a rousing speech! Thank heavens my brother didn't have to live with nightmare I did! The inlaws were NOT impressed!)
Anyway, Sunday we watch John Haggy (not sure thats the spelling) and he was talking about how we can control, manipulate and dominate people through moods, actions and inactions.
It suddenly occured to me (and I have heard this topic taught a number of times by the way but sometimes it can take a bit to wake up!) that his speech was a way of controlling me through humilation. He made it clear that he didn't like my husband (because he wasn't finanicially wealthy, it wasn't even on my list for what I wanted in a husband) before we got married and he showed his disapproval by not bothering to give a decent speech. He probably thought my marriage wouldn't last this long!
Over the years, he has never supported my marriage, used issues to force a divide between my husband and myself, made sure that any money borrowed was quickly returned and constantly advocated that I find someone more deserving (richer!) to marry!!
I always knew he was trying to manipulate and dominate me but I never understood why he never gave me the speech at my wedding I deserved. He hoped that my husband's family would join him in forcing a divorce between us (there's a lot of evidence for this but it's too lengthy to name) but the result of his efforts with my inlaws was fruitless. They asked us not to invite him to anymore family gatherings where they would attend (birthdays, christmas etc). I guess he said some stuff they found offensive! I know some of my husbands family didn't think our marriage would last but that's due to the fact that their marriages and relationships have not lasted nor stood the test of time. One actually has said they admires our marriage and the way we have handled everything, particularly the stuff they have thrown at us - thats the shortened version of what was said!
So after almost eleven years of wondering why, I have a concrete answer. My father never wanted this marriage to happen, hence the holding back of finanicial support to marry, manipulate others in our support network to undermine and help end the marriage - the speech and various conversations, the constant putting down and judging my husband as not good enough and not able to provide - pointing it out when we needed to borrow money or something would happen that he could pin on my husband and many, many other points.
When I compare my brothers wedding to my own, I see my fathers approval of my brother's bride. My brother has told me all the things that my father has said to him concerning his new bride and in particular their finanicial status - apparantly my father has helped my brother make plans to make my brother very wealthy! It seems to be a running theme with my father.
So really in summary of all of this, one of the most hurtful events of my life, suddenly lost it's sting. I know it's also the process I have been going through too, but it helps one be able to find peace and be at peace with the past. Suddenly I am able to forgive him for such a public hurt. I have been meditating on a scripture from Philliphians 4:7 "And the peace of God that transcends all knowledge/understanding" depending on which translation you want to read it from. I want to be at peace with this piece of my past, put it bed forever and part of that is transcending beyond the need to know why or have an apology but accept that his actions show the reason, I will never get that apology or gain true insight to the why of his actions. It is what is and in the end, I have a happy marriage that has stood the tests of life, experiences, other people in various forms, to my own actions, attitudes and behaviours.
So I am at peace with it, I have a little knowledge of the why and that's enough. I can continue in the direction I am going, knowing that I wasn't at fault, I wasn't a terrible daughter, I did honor my father to the best of my ability and as far as he would let me. I am no longer shackled to his will or wants. My heart feels lighter and the tears are tears of joy knowing God my father completely pprovals of me and my husband, well He did arrange the marriage after all! So He must approve!!
So unless it is relevant to help someone else, I will never torture you all again with this experience or the retelling of this painful experience! 10 1/2 years is a long time to carry such a burden!
I am learning so much and so quickly, some of it the course I am doing but mostly I have become open to healing, change and restoration of my heart and soul. I don't want to be that whinny child anymore. I need to grow up and act my age!
So cheers for now, I have an essay to write, once again the points have changed and I need to re-adjust but thanks to Schmoo, I will be focusing on the point of view (the worldview from which they are written) of each therapy and why or why not I think Christian Counsellors should use, dismiss or take parts to be used. I only need to cover 3 therapies, there's approximately 7 in counselling! Certainly can't cover that many in 1000 wrds!
Raven
Australia 
Member » blue-raven
23:53
13 Visits
I felt so loved and these moments that make parenting worth all the pain! When she's out of the shower, I'm gonna let her kow that it was my pleasure!
