I've searched the death notices in SA and in QLD but I can't seem to find a notice for his death or funeral. Although this doesn't suprise me, his family certainly wouldn't advertise the fact their son took his life but I need to see it written, part of me doesn't want to believe it's true.

Last nite I kept thinking of all the stupid things we did together, how pissed we got, the laughs, his stupid cooking experiments (food) the dares and all the laughs.

I guess I just need it to be confirmed from more than his father's work collegue.

Theres not even a funeral notice which makes it seem so unreal.

It's hard to accept that he's never gonna walk in my door again, saying what's up !!!!

I can't talk to any of his family as they never liked me anyway, but I know some people that may know.

Thankyou for your kind words, at the moment I don't feel much like talking, I can barely let go of the tears, so I'll probably for the next few days keep you'll all updated in my blog till I can get my head around this.

I don't feel guilty, but I do feel that I may have contributed (in a small way) to his death. As I said to hubby, he was a big boy and he made his own desicions. He walked away from the friendship for whatever reason (I'll never know and I'm not sure I want to know either) I know I did all I could for him, the last time we spent time together I was dealing with my own losses (my first 2 miscarriages) and the terrible birth of my son and my detoriating relationship with my own father plus my nanna was dying. I couldn't give him what he wanted or needed. I was a mess myself.

The last time he walked out of door, I had a feeling I probably wouldn't see him again but I never thought it would be because of this, I knew he mite resort to sucide but I thought, i don't know.

I did what I could but I had changed.....alot from the old days. I had responsibilities and I had someone who loved me and was responsible too, something he never was able to commit to.