All my girls are pretty speacial, that goes with out saying. But you sometimes forget as they get older how speacial they can be. My two older daughters still, and im sure always will, provide such speacial moments but its my 5 year old who blows me away the most at the moment (although my 13 year old blows me away a lot as well, but thats a whole other story....lol). When we chat on the phone she can be so pre occupied sometimes that she barley has enough time to say "Hi dad, can i go now" or "i cant talk right now, im a bit busy" and other times we can chat for an hour and she wont want to get off the phone. Latley we have been playing this animal guessing game, we take turns of saying a letter and guessing what animal the other is thinking of (some how she always gets mine first go???). Hope just comes up with the most amazing animals i forget just how clever she can be. My favourite is stories, she ask me to tell her a story so i make up a little story and she is just silent the whole time listening, then she will tell me a story which just happens to be very similar to the one i just told and then we laugh about how similar they are...she must really listen because the details of her story are so close to what she just heard. Shes a gem and those are the moments that i will never forget, i hope she doesnt either.

Any way, just been thinkn about it and its just one of those things that puts a smile on my face for ages.

On Monday night i rang my girls as normal. Great conversation with my two younger girls as normal. What was different was the conversation with their mum, we dont speak normally as she is impossible to communicate with (abusive and rarely speaks the truth so i just cant talk with her) but since im so worried about my eldest daughter and the sudden changes with her i made the effort. We spoke, or rather she spoke and told me how out of control my daughter is. She will not talk to any one at home, she lies to everyone, has started having violent out bursts and is generally not doing well at school. My ex indicated that my daughter has fallen into the wrong crowd at school and has had meetings with the school who have offered to help move her to another school. It went from this to accusing me of causing the problems by allowing my daughter to go to the movies with her girl friends every now and then on the weekends that she "used" come to my place. Dont get me wrong im very worried about her but the mother is just not on this planet!!! Im sure if any of what she told me is true that a change in schools wil help and it would be even better if she were to move back here with me but to me she sounds like she is just acting out her home enviroment influences. The mum is aggressive and sometimes violent, manipulates the girls and is down right mean.

Any way i actually got to talk to my eldest for the first time in weeks. We spoke for ages and it took everything in me not to question her about what her mother had just told me but i didnt, i knew she would just clam up again and i just wanted to hear her and let her know i was here and loved her and when she was ready to talk about the obvious "issues" going on that i was there. She appreciated this and we just chatted pretty generally for what seeemed like ages until my daughter realised her mother was on the other line listening in. Great!! If what the mother had told me was true and she had clammed up to everyone dont you think she would just give some one who loves her dearly the chance to try and communicate with her?? Oh no, she had to abuse her trust again. To make it worse when she was busted she didnt say anything just kept hitting the phone buttons so my daughter and i couldnt hear each other. My daughter sounded so mature when she said "perhaps we should continue this conversation at a more appropriate time" what a gem of a girl all of 13. so we said good night and told each other we loved each other and that was it. Even after everything her mother told me i was just so happy to have spoken to her. Still worried dont get me wrong but just to hear her, she sounded ok. Anyway tried to call again last night and suprise suprise no answer, called tonight and spoke to my younger ones but suprise suprise the mother was in the back ground again yelling out abuse directed at me so those conversations were cut short. and of course my eldest didnt want to get on, dont blame her she would have got heaps from her mother for talking to me the other night.

Any way, just had to write this down. Sounds like ive gone on a bit but if dont write it i dont think i would believe it myself.

Well its been a long while since i have been on this site. I have been busy with a new career and of course my gorgeous girls. I still have trouble with contact with my girls but have enjoyed fairly frequent fortnightly weekends and most holidays with them. Their mum still gives me grief when ever she can, usually over the phone while i try and talk to my girls. Any way all in all its pretty good, could be worse. I have come along pretty well personally from the last time i wrote here, had some stuff going on and i am proud to say have continued to keep things together well. My work is fantastic, not at all what i thought it would be when i started almost 12 months ago but very challenging.

My eldest daughter has caused me some concern, she has pretty much cut off contact with me and hasnt come up on a weekend since last school holidays. This is really upsetting for me as we had (have??) always had a close bond. But i think its just the age (nearly 13) and possibly some influence from the mum, i am hoping its just a stage but she is almost a stranger now (least thats how it feels).

Well, it sure has been a tough road the last few weeks. Not that i expected it to be anything else but when your actually doing it it is hard work, have started working again and am slowly getting back on top. My girls are great, they have settled into their new school with Eden talking to me about going into a higher maths group, shes not even really into maths, which is fantastic. Brianna is enjoying annoying her sister at school and Hope, being 3, is just enjoying everything. I wish i could be with them all the time but then i think about where i am in my life at the moment and am greatful for the chance to get back on my feet before they are with me all the time, they deserve and i will give them the best.

I have been having trouble with their mum as she is, to be brutally honest, crazy. She has continued to make it difficult for me to speak to and even see the girls, it has cost me a fortune in solicitors fees just to get back basic contact which stil comes with dramas from her. I worry about the girls having to live with such an unstable person. But with patience i know this will not always be. I am still working at getting back on my feet after some job and financial issues as well as a big personal issue that im proud to say i have overcome.

The job im doing at the moment is not what i want but simply a stepping stone to something bigger, not sure how long i can keep it up......im working in sales at the moment for commission, i dont recommend it. Its hard work, but in saying that its what i needed..... to realise how much hard work is needed to get what you want. Im not a salesman but its a great experiance (what ever doesnt kill us only makes us stronger!!!lol). I have great opportunity in a marketing role which im waiting to be confirmed, think i might keep an eye out for other jobs just in case.

Still think about my girls all the time, everything i do is for me so that i can be the best person i can be for my girls.....they deserve it and so do i.

Anyway, i have another tough week ahead which will hopefully end with my girls for the weekend and if not another weekend for just me.