Well today has been a very hard and discouraging day :( First off today is or was or would have been my son's 6th birthday. After 6 years I still feel so lost each year when this day comes around. I go around my house just looking and not knowign what to do but feeling the need to do something. I stil have not figured out what it is I am supposed to do but I instead just feel lost.

On top of that I get a 14 page letter from my aunt. A letter of outrage and anger. She says to me"How dare I even think of having another child" "Ive lost one am I iwlling to risk losing another" "Is my daughter and miracle of my life not good enough that I have to try again" she tells me "You are neglecting your daughter if you have another child and are bed ridden" she says our choice to try to have another child is "incompetant" "irresponsible"

I dont understand it at all. Isnt the doctor saying "yes go ahead" enough to say that we have been blessed with an opputunity to have another child? We are very good parents and we love our daughter more than life itself. Is that love not suppose to be shared? Is that love that we have for her and the caring and also the joy and love she has brought into our lives not suppose to be shared?

So now I find myself questioning if we are doing the right thing...my aunt is not the first to bring negativit to what we thought was a blessing from God to be given a chance to have another child. We are able to provide a good home, love, attention, and the world itself to both our daughter we have now and another child. We have been planning and praying and getting ready to go ahead with our plans to have another baby. Yes I will be on bed rest but my mom is moving in to help take care of our daughter, we are making changes to our home so that I can still be very active in Briannas life even though I will be on bed rest. We have talked to specialist that have told us they see no reason we cant have another child.

I dont know what more to do and I sit here doubting now what felt so right only weeks ago. How are we suppose to know what is the "right" thing to do?

Ok so we went to the Doctor on the 15th. It was a very nervous day!! We got there and waited an hour to talk to the doctor but it was worth the wait. The doctor answered all the questions we had with alot of confidence. He believes that I can with bed rest and meds of course have another baby!!! We are really excited the doctor said he does 2 circlages instead of one and that he will do them at 14wks to be safe. So now we just got to get pregnant!! Our families how ever are not as happy as us

:( We were shocked at the lack of support we recieved from them. But our parents we happy and we are happy so ya know what can you do. My mom is taking care of things at her home so that when the time comes she can move in with us until the baby is born. I think it will do us both good. She is still healing from losing my dad back in October and I think it will be good for her to be her with us and of course good for me to have her here to help with Brianna.

Well today I spent 3 hrs no kidding on the phone with Drs offices and medical record people! What a nightmare! There are no high rick doctors near me so I have to go 2hrs in one direction or 2 in the other direction. I had my daughter at one place but that dr is gone so now I need to go 2hrs in the other direction! Yes it really is this confusing lol. Anywho I called the new doctor to try to get in ealriest they can see my is Oct. :( because Im not pregnant. My hubby and I want to sit down and talk to the doctors before we get pregnant which evidently is not normal because its a nightmare to get it set up. But at the same time I by alll means want the pregnant women seen first but all im asking is 15min of there time 30-45 max just to ask some quesitons you know ? So they cant talk to me with out a referrral from my old doctor who now lives half way across the country, ok and I cant get another OB to referr me either, why? because Im not pregnant.

So I finally find a high risk dr 2 hrs the other direction who will talk to me based soley on my medical records!! Great! Finally!

I wish it was that easy, the place where the old doctor I had is located is being now run by an "out source" center who it is againt there policy to release the records thru fax etc. So I need to drive 2hrs to pick them up and then 2 hrs the other way to deliver them to the new doctor then 2 hrs home What a day that is going to be! lol

The good news is I did find one doctor that I can talk to next Friday and see what he says. He isnt the doctor of my choice and he is far from the best but he did manage to get a friend with same probs a healthy 6lb little girl so he cant be that bad either. They say he has no bed side manner and you have to ddrrraaagggg information out of him but if he can help me that is the least of my worries.

I also made an appt with a PA for July 8th and the doctor I really want to see for Oct. We should all pray for more high risk doctors!!! or pray for less high risk preganancy :(

Well that is my vent for the day :)