Just as the title says I just need to let some emotions out. I know it may seem weird doing it on here but I really do not want to cry in front of the kids and I have been finding doing my little blogs useful.

There is no real reason I guess for feeling the way I do today other than all the old stuff coming back to the surface.  I have a rough past I guess but then so don't a lot of people.

I am slowly realising that no matter the amount of effort I put into my life it will never be good enough for my parents, at least the acknowledge my kids are great kids.

I am also realising that my mother is never going to change and will ALWAYS be an alcoholic and NEVER admit it and this shits me to tears!!! She married an alcoholic and left him becasue of his abuse ( him being by natural father) then years later turns around and does the same shit. Ok she is not pysically violent but hell if ya ask me mental abuse and emotional abuse is juast as bad.

Then there is the fact that after 15 years of thinking it was a good thing i would never be able to get the answers from my sire that I wanted, I am now spewing he took his own life because I want those answers. I almost feel I deserve those answers and HE is the only one that can give them to me.

I have shed many tears today and even started writing my letters to my sire again that can never be delivered but they help me. I got this tip from my counsellor at CASA many years ago, has worked at treat generally. Have been thinking I should write similar letters to my um and never deliver them too to see if that helps with my anger and frustrations at her.

Well thanks again for those that have read. I feel a little better for getting it off my chest for now

Hugs

xoxox

Well it is now the end of my weekend :(, yes I am a little sad that it is the end but I am also really happy this Sunday as I ahve realised quiet a bit these past few days. My man came home on Friday as per normal and we did not plan anything for the weekend just a quiet one at home with the kids and lets see what pops up.

Saturday we ended up at the friends place I had met just a few days earlier, which was great hubby got along like a house on fire with them also, infact both hubbies ended up going for a drive together to find a new dog kennel for their dog.

Saturday night and today we have just veg'd out at home with the kids playing games and having a DVD and jammies day. It was in doing this that it hit me that ok we are not loaded with cash and don't want expensive things in our life but OMG how lucky we are that we have all the little things. Our kids had a ball having their jammie and DVD with mummy and daddy and we had a ball doing also.

We just amde some popcorn, put out some snacks and we all picked a movie to watch. Has been such a great day.

We have now decided as a amily that ocne a month is going to be jammies and DVD day.. and how nice will that be during these winter months ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhh. hahaha...

Hope everyone else has a think and finds something little in their lives that actually makes them feel really fullfilled.

Hugs

Trace xox

Well this week has been abusy week so far in my life. Monday was fairly uneventful just getting the kids back to school after the holidays, was so nice to have a day to myself and just plod around home and get some thing done. Tuesday I had Miss 10 at home as she has Phyrangitis (spelling)  but she is fine.

Tuesday also saw the start to a great Wednesday, as I was chatting to an online friend who I felt I had alot in common with whenI first started chatting to her on another website I am assoaited with. Well she lives in the town I have recently moved to so she inivted me over for coffee. We arranged it for yesterday.

Well what an amazing day I had. I got to her place around 10.45 took some morning tea with me. Well after much chatting and laughs I left at 3pm . As I am leaving she says to me come back for dinner, go get the kids from school and come back.

Well to cut a long story really short I did just that. Got the kids from school came home got changed into warmer clothing and we went for dinner. Left at 8.15pm so I could get the kids home to bed for school today.

It was such a great day, her family are just beautiful, and she is the funniest msot wonderful person I have met in a while. I am so greatful to her for opening up her home to a complete stranger as it made me feel so good.

So here's to a long friendship in the making!!!! yeyyyyyyyy i now know someone in my new town hehehe.

Guess in the big scheme of things some my feel it is only something little but to me it is the little things that make life big!!

We might een be going over on the weekend so they can all meet Hubby as there is only 1 more sleep yeyyyyyyyy til i get to hold him and see him again.

I sooooooooooooo love Thursday's. it has become my new Friday coz each Thursday only means 1 more sleep til I get to see my darling man.

Well enough dribble and rambling from me til next week probably.

I thught it was time for me to update my blog. Why after all this time?? I am hoping doing this will help me sort through some of the emotions I am currently going through.

We have had a very frustrating and full on 6 months for various reasons. I sit here some days and think well least we have come out the other side but I also wonder if we really have as there are still things that need to be sorted, not to mention new feelings that have cropped up recently.

28/1/2007 police knock on our front door and ask us if we are aware that we need to be out of our rented property due to the bank repossesing it. Umm NO not aware of this and to make things worse we have 4 bloody days to do it and find somewhere to stay. Wasn't able to get hold of agent due to agents being closed down til 4/1/2008 for XMas holdidays.

To cut a long story really short my kids stayed with my mum for 2 weeks, hubby stayed with his parents so at least he could get rest for work etc and i stayed with friends. Over the last 6 months the kids and I stayed in various forms of emergency accomodation whilst hubby has stayed at his parents.

We have now moved to the country as after 4 months we gave up looking for a place in the city as we kept getting knocked back to rent with no real reason. Yes the rental market is now much harder than it was 6 years ago, god even harder than 12 months ago when we first moved into the house we had to move from.

The kids and I stay here on our own during the week at the moment until hubby can geta  work transfer. Work is only 1.5 hours drive but the cost of petrol and such is just to much so for the meantime he is still with his parents during the week and comes home here on the weekends.

Some days it is easy then there are days where I can't stop crying and feel like just giving up. The kids have been so good through it all. They have rarely complained, just just suck it up and move on. They are all enjoying their new schools and have settled well here.

I wish I could say the same. As much as I like it here and that I do have a brother and sister not to far away I feel so alone. I have no friends here and I am not sure if I am going to be able to get close to anyone.

My only motiviation to eep going the way we are is my kids are loving their new life, and that hubby and I have set definate goals for the enxt 12 months. By the end of next year we want to have a deposit or bloody close to it for our own home. I even feel like this is sometimes unachievable when I hear about all the people who cant afford their own homes any more. IS the Aussie dream a reality anymore???

I keep trying to be positive about it otherwise I know karma will bite me on the bum and it wont happen. I am going to enrol in a beauty therapy course in the next 2 weeks and finally finish it, as I started in November last year just ebfore the crap started, so I WANT so badly to complete as I was really enjoying it. This will also aloow me to be get work. In saying that I am hoping to get part time work somewhere to asist with the saving for a deposit.

My goals are set and I want them to work. I know I can make them work. I love my kids and hubby to much for them not to work we deserve this.

Hopefully I ca make some friends and not feel so alone.