I am awake still.....I am not doing well right now......Aidan has been off his meds on and off sice his mate died.....Sometimes I wish I could crush his meds and make him take them.....He is down stairs still wide awake and I hate sleeping when he is awake still.....I am tired but I am past the sleepy stage if that make sense....Two of his female friends came over tonight to try to cheer him up amd it seemed to work......But then they left and he went back to playing the base guitar......At least he didn't have a drink tonight that is a bonus.....The grog is really worrying me.... He goes from my normal happy son to this angry boy who has no control with his emotions......It is really scary and I dont want to end up like last night again.....maybe it is time I sought some medical help.....Maybe I do need the cipramil again just to put me on an even keel myself.....He seems to be on a rollercoaster and I feel right now like I am riding it too...... Not knowing from one day to the next what he is gonna wake up like is killing me..... I need to be there for the other kids too.... It is soo hard and I find Michaela feeling for her big brother trying to make him happy.........It must be so hard for the other kids watching the pain he goes through when he is off his meds......I do know everyday more and more that he will have to be hospitalized again......I just wish he could see what he is doing to himself.....Realize there are people out there worse off than him.....Look at Jalan she has cystic fibrosis.....She has it forever and there is nothing to make the symptoms go away.....Here he has every oportunity to make some of his symptoms seem less and he wont do it......There is noises down stairs now as I hear him wandering around singing pink floyd songs....Something he always listens to when he is on a low....He needs to sleep it will make him feel better and maybe in the morning he will see the light and take his tablets again.....One can only hope..... I jsut want it to stop for him.......So maybe I am going to have to do the one thing he will be angry with me about and admit him again.....last time he told me he hated me....he had no mother.....he would never forgive me..... I was the scum of the pond he said.....I know it was anger and sheer frustration....... but how can he begin to live a fairly normal life if he can't even function properly......listen to me winging again  there is always some one worse off you know........ I need to be the parent here I need to do what is best for him even if it does not feel right.....I am going to talk to him when he gets up and I am going to tell him his meds ar the hospital..... I have no choice he has no choice........I need to be strong for him I can not cave in.......I have 6 other kids to think about.......I feel kind of better now I wrote this all down......I am goign to check him and maybe sleep for a bit till 7 at least......