I am feeling kind of down right now .....I am having a hard time with Aidan and his mood swings and I am a little concerned about the amount of alcohol he is consuming....not so much the amount but the frequency....In the last two weeks I think he has not drank probably 5 days.....I know he doesn't drink much beacuase his meds heighten it but he can still become an alcholic.... the alcoholics I know never really seem drunk to me... I don't know sometimes I feel guilt because of his early life and what happened to him that I kind of over compensate if that makes sense... then I swing back into reality and realize I am not helping him... I have done all I can yes I put him in the situation which caused the sexual abuse but when I knew about it I got him out of it and followed all the necessary steps I needed to take to do the right thing.... I took him to the police....I tried to have him charged....I took him to counselling .....I kept him away from him since the incident he has never seen him again..... He would not accept supervised access as the courts offered..... so he doesn't see them at all..... Sometimes I wish I could wake up from this nightmare......And sometimes I jsut wish that I could hurt the man that hurt my son....I wish I had of done it back then......I know it is a wrong thought but all the children of all the girlfriends he preys upon would be safe.... I thought charging him was the right thing to do but all the words ring in my ears there is not enough evidence..... All the evidence I needed was my son said it happened so why did they need more......He needs help it is all up to him now... I realized a while ago that I can not make him do things.... If i could he would be all good by now he would attend all his appointments he would take his medication all the time he wouldn't drink or even have sex ......mate he would be perfect..... the ideal teenager hey.... does one exist???? I am sorry for the things that happened to him but I feel the guilt is killing me inside.... I will stand by him all the time I love him and would die for him and would live through the pain and the confusion that bipolar gives him if I could but I can't....... I want him so badly to charge this man to put him away but I can't I can't do it..... He has to..... Minti seems to be the only place where I feel I can share things that have happened to me and mine and maybe help someone who wants help..... we have a great relationship Aidan and I but when he is off his meds his moods swing and off he goes and no one can reason with him NO ONE at all.....especially me...... I broke every rule in my book last night I argued with him I cried with him I even questioned my ability as a parent..... Even told my husband the only child whose life I am not going to ruin is Jess.... How can I she is an angel....... I know this is wrong but man it feels soo real sometimes...... Living with a teenager with Bipolar is ripping me apart..... I know I will probably have to hospitize him again as I watch him spiral endlessly into the emotional turmoil he loves and hates so much..... Being a parent hurts sooooo much............