This post is from from my other blog here

I am beginning not to enjoy parenting my son, each day we wake up to the onslaught of abuse, emotional blackmail and the depressing thoughts of when will it end. Tonight he decided he wanted to drag his sister by her arms and throw her from side to side of her playpen....he got into trouble and then called us every name under the son and declared he didn't want to live with us-at times I wish he didn't too and would happily give him his wish if I knew it would make him happy and content. I can hear the gasp of parents saying I can't believe you said that! I am a caring and devoted parent that has put up with so much violence and emotional damage from my son that I do not see him as mine these days, his foul mouth and disrespect to others is appalling and the damage he causes each week both at school is sometimes un-repairable. I love him the way I can and tolerate the things he does but so much has been done to damage our relationship that I resent him and the psychologist says this is normal with Kaine and it will continue to break down until we reach a point of 'get him out before I hurt him' scenario. I am tired, I am uncomfortable and can not see me liking this little boy who I gave birth too. he makes me feel sick with the way he treats others and I see how people look at me, I hear what they say. I gave up my life for my son to fight for him for many years and I just don't think I have the strength now, he has slowly made me feel dark and isolated and I even find myself feeling guilty for the good times I have with my daughter because I feel I should have those with my son too. I try my best to get him to understand that all I want is him to be happy, to try and engage with him at something he loves but there is nothing, he is in a world where hate and defiance is all he feels unless it is all on his terms. he breaks every code of practice and has pretty much drawn a blank with the psychologist-the professionals are sat rubbing their heads and waiting for the Social Services to offer the only one thing that could turn it around-therapeutic respite. It has been 6 weeks since this was asked for and like usual they waffle and wail on and then they wonder why kids are hurt by parents who snap after asking for help for years and professionals begging for them to support the family before mental breakdown occurs. I feel sad, I feel empty and I feel as distance as ever from this young man that has my blood running through his veins. If I crawl away and don't come out for 6 years would it be ok. If I leave and go away will he miss me. If I blow my top I know full well 'they' will say it's my fault and even then they won't support me or him for that matter. I hate tomorrow's as in my world tomorrow is the dawn of another day on daily abuse-tomorrow should be the dawn of a new day with a possibility of something nice or even tolerable happening......but it doesn't. :( www.AnimalAgentz.com http://darkangel6976.stumbleupon.com

The way my husband stays sane in our house is by his hobby, it's the only life line he has to the outside world when our homelife is full of destruction with one child and the jobs of our daughter-even the joys make me feel guilty as I wish we had this with my son too.

My husband has been doing an Open University course as he is a keen photographer and wanted to have a qualification so that he could learn more and then one day become freelance. He wants to join the Royal Photographic Society too and the Open University are offering certain course applicants the chance to join this society for free! It would mean the world to him and even more to me for his determination and achievement when at times he has been struggling with the stress of our home situation.

My husband is near the end of the course and he needs to submit 10 photos that he has done over the course and he would like and comments on how others see the photos and constructive criticisms too. Please use this link and let him know what you think to his photo's. This would mean a lot as the more people comment the better understanding he has of how others view his work.

I know this has no relation to parenting other than the clear fact that every parent needs an outlet to keep them alive when all you see is black and it brings them moments of happiness when life seems so hopeless, if a parent feels hopeless, empty and sees the future as bleak this will soon rub off on the children too as they will pick up on depressive moments, anxieties and feelings of empty days.

Please don't report me for asking this, if you don't like me asking them just ignore me and my question!

http://flickr.com/photos/nickgarvey/sets/72157609536895733/

Thank you for your support.

x

 

Let's take a trip to the nearest moon and stay there for a while, lets see how the people on earth react to us being away for a few years. Let's fall asleep for a 3 year stretch and come back when he is all grown up!

I wonder if I can buy a looking glass on ebay or amazon! I wonder if i can find a magic wand in my drawer of spritual items.

If I leave will he get better, will people fix the problems, if I stay quiet will he be less like himself or will he shout for me even more.

I wonder what it would be like to wake up one morning and he be calm, sensitive and loving for a few hours and then a few days and then a few weeks and then his whole life.......

We can but dream the things we would like but reality is far from clean!

This post is from from my other blog here

I wish people would listen, I mean actually listen not just hear what we say! Last week my son had a good day at school on the Monday and all was well, he even managed to go to the Arts club run by our home school support lady-she is great with Kaine, she also runs our ADHD with us and has been a valuable resource and a tower of strength to us as parents. Mary understands how life with Kaine affects us and even though Kaine is a right handful she still feels that he should come to the Arts group as she knows it gives us that little break and he is happy to talk about what he has made there and comes out in a different mood, unlike when he comes out from school! Tuesday we thought would be a good day at school but when we went in, the headteacher asked me if Kaine had had his medicine this morning-well this got right up my nose as this isn't the first time she has asked me! Here's the picture as soon as we are awake and even before we go to the bathroom, Kaine is given his medication! That's how important and vital it is. We can't function without him having his medicine and the reason he gets it earlier than some kids is because Kaine can't function without it-you ever tried to get a bull not to go for the red flag....know what I mean! Some parents may not be that bothered about there kids and we can clearly spot them in the playground, some kids don't even get breakfast and their parents are already on the booze before 9am. Some parents are less fortunate and really struggle with life as a parent and need support that isn't available and so school take out the worry for them and get the child to have the medication as soon as they come to school in the morning, the problem with that is everyone is already tense in the house because the kid is climbing the walls due to not having their medication so for that hour or two life in that home is frustrating, angry and uneasy! But us, we are well aware the results of a missed dose for Kaine and I don't give my son medication so he can be settled for when he goes to school, I give him his medication so he can function and listen and be able to have his breakfast etc etc so I won't ever miss a morning dose and as far as I can remember for the past 5 years Kaine has always had his morning dose! So when the headteacher yet again asks me and I make it plain that I ain't just another parent and that I am bothered and won't miss a dose, her question pisses me off. The reason she asked was Kaine had had a bad day and couldn't understand why after the great day of Monday that the next day he wasn't great and instead of listening to all the things she has been told decides to politely say 'must be your fault he has had a bad day'. Pointing the finger at me is like, not something anyone should do when it comes to medicine.....she was lucky I didn't say 'hey stop trying to get me to give Kaine his medication at school and stop putting me in the I don't give a monkeys about my son category'. So we say it, the psychologist says it and the psychiatrist says it and then the educational psychologist say it....what are we saying that she can't comprehend...... we say 'Kaine is incapable of containing his behaviour over a period of time, he can contain it for a few hours or a day at the most and then due to him being mentally exhausted on having to try so hard at good behaviour that he explodes after'. She stands there dumbfounded as if she doesn't get it! How many times do we have to remind her that that is what Kaine is, he can't do anything about it, his cognitive ability is so screwed up that this is his life right now! Then in the middle of the week he has another bad day and we later find out that he was given a biscuit for break----hmmm what did I say earlier about the school not giving my son biscuits and cakes for break! they moan to us yet it was a direct result of them yet again not listening to me, don't moan to me when it is your action that caused his reaction! I plan for the day when I get a call for him to be removed and I stand there and say NO, you gave him something so you can deal with it yourself. I am getting sick of repeating the words of others to professionals that need to learn themselves how to listen and they wonder why parents and schools have such a huge gap between them! For a few years now the Government has wanted to bring parents and schools back together like they used to be but there is so much animosity and the 'us and them' scenario that it's no wonder here is no trust or hope for this to happen. I make sure I try and stay ahead of what is going on in school, if my son sees someone i want to know why, when and how did it go, I want to see reports and I ask plenty of questions but I have noticed that this is annoying some people at the school, they see me as being too interested-he is my son and I have a right to know how well he is doing with his Dyslexia program and why they aren't doing it! I want to know why a lady came to see him regarding his IQ-because I set it up, I want to know how it went and I want to be as involved with my son's education as I possibly can so I can help school deal with Kaine and implement the same strategies they have with him at home too-would be nice if we all did the same but hey they don't so Kaine gets confused as at school he can hit someone and there is no consequences and at home he tries to raise his hand and he backs off because he knows the consequences! Today a lady walked by me and Kaine in a supermarket and she said hello to Kaine, I had to ask Kaine who she was-apparently someone from school, bless him, he can't remember names or why he sees people. She never said hello and introduced herself and before I had the chance to say hold on who are you, she had gone! teachers teach our children not to talk to strangers and yet a few times people from school who are not on the photo board there say hello to him and ignore me! It's like they don't know the full story of Kaine so assume 'ah bad parent' and snob me off with a look-this pisses me off a lot! On the photo board it shows teachers, trainee assistants, teacher's helpers, the care teacher and dinner people, the helpers at play group and even the after school club staff but many of the people that have said hello are not on that board! She could have been a different educational psychologist, a supply teacher, a speaker at the school from an outside agency but the thing with the last one is that she said his name not just a hello! So today i wonder who she is and put her face in the box of faces that either see me as not worth introducing themselves to or an opinionated person who has only heard how bad Kaine behaves and not his entire history and that I as a parent have spent my life trying to seek advice, support, agencies to get involved, educational meetings to educate them on Kaine's condition, how I gave up my job and my career to make sure that every individual that came in contact with Kaine would fight his corner or move aside and let someone else fight for his just as much as I have done....the easy approach for a none caring parent would to have sit back and said 'ah well, you say he has ADHD so let's just use that as an excuse instead' and then sat and done nothing....me I don't sit and do nothing. Even when he was physical, violent and gets abusive, even when all seemed lost and even when none of this makes sense I still stand strong and kick everyone else into action, I make my voice heard for the sake of Kaine's life....I could sit and just say he is doomed to a life in prison but over my dead body will that be happen unless it's my dead body that puts him there. I despise my son at times as I know he is making his life so bad and then I worry for him when I know sometimes he can't think properly, I care for him when others don't understand and expect him to be a normal lad when he clearly can't understand something so simple. But most of all I expect others to do this too and when they don't hear or think or listen I feel deflated and frustrated as I wonder how can I keep these people going when they don't hear the words of professionals, what chance do I have of getting Kaine support if the support is from the people that don't hear so well! www.AnimalAgentz.com http://darkangel6976.stumbleupon.com

I am getting a little fed up with the way some of you lot work and frankly I am guna piss you all off and be blunt.

My life right now is upside down and all hell is happening and I don't really care for the backstabbing and bitching that goes on on here as I am here to help others when I can and get advice when I can.

I have had yet another (this is the second time) minti member email me with a 'sorry and I think I may leave for a while' I have got nothing to do with both of the emails and the issues they were saying sorry for and it bugs me that reverse psychology is being used on Minti members as a way of others begging you to stay. I did psychology at college!

If you are sorry then say it the immediate person and not the the whole bluddy Minit community. So you messed up, so what we all do and we don't go around asking for forgiveness off complete strangers that weren't involved!

Grow up and realise that others on here right now may be going through hell and they don't need you saying sorry and using up mail space when it could be used for actual important emails that offer comfort and wise words.

I do not doubt that what you are saying sorry for is important to you and the person involved but that's all it's important to, the guy next door doesn't need to know what you are having for breakfast so to speak now does he-get my point?

Deal with the issues in hand with the people that need to know them not people that don't. if you upset me I will let you know and I wouldn't expect you to tell the whole bluddy minit community that you are sorry about it!

If you think I am being harsh try grasping how I feel right now, try reading my blogs since I have been here and then you can understand why meaningless mail annoys me as I won't beg you to stay around if you have upset someone I might just get pissed off and say yeah-get lost as people should be nice when they can and think before they speak to others but hey we are human and sometimes emotions get the better of us don't they.....

*goes away to contact my brother to make sure last night he didn't try to kill himself again!

THINK BEFORE YOU MAIL ME.

This post is from from my other blog here

Yesterday was the first play therapy session where an adult went in the room with my son and the psychologist. My husband was anxious and rather reluctant to do this but the day before the psychologist had said that it might help so we decided to say ok. My husband was to play with my son with the psychologist. Now I left them to it and went of with our daughter to do some shopping, eagerly awaiting the results.....My husband came out and was a bit quiet. He then went onto tell me how small the psychologist had made him feel! Apparently the only rules in the plat room are that no one is allowed to throw anything. Nick was told that what Kaine asked him to do he was to do so he did, kaine asked Nick to pick a toy and then play with it...so Nick did that but the psychologist told him off for playing with it! Apparently he took too long in getting the toy but the thing was the toy he chose was a fire engine and he was in the box getting the ladders!The other thing was that apparently Nick had to act like a 4-7 year old-he didn't tell us this the day before. We were led to believe that we were going in that room to help Kaine play with us not act like a kid! How the hell is acting like a kid going to help him have a relationship with us? Apparently Nick realised why Kaine likes going to play there as he can do as he pleases, Nick said that Kaine was allowed to do stuff in the room that we wouldn't allow at home like deliberatly get sand all over the floor-of course a parent would say something but Nick wasn't acting like a parent so he said nothing and NIck got the distinct feeling this was frown upon with the psychologist.Kaine had a real cheesy grin when Nick got told off, as Kaine saw it as my best friend (psychologist) has told you off ha ha. Nick felt like walking out but stayed in there for 55 mins and he said it was the longest 55 mins of his life, he hated it as he felt every move he made was wrong and was looked upon wrong. He picked the toy and then sat in the chair and the other two sat on the floor-even this didn't go down too well but Nick had not known waht to do as we weren't told anything at all, how to act, how to react, what to say, how to play and what to do about anything!Nick went to play on the floor with them and he felt so awkward after he was told off that he was on edge for the rest of the time-this wouldn't have been good for the whole situation and if he thinks when it comes to my turn that I am guna take that then he will get a shock.All this nicy nicy with Kaine isn't allowing anyone to see Kaine for what he actually does so I have a thought up my sleeve. When it comes to my turn I am guna act like a child and say stuff-we all know sometimes children don't want to play with each other and they fight over toys so how about I fight over a toy and bang it and have a tantrum and try and get Kaine all worked up so then the psycholoist gets the real picture of how Kaine reacts!I will not go and play politely and I will not be spoken to inapporpriately if I don't know the rules as it was totally out of order for Nick to be told off when we haven't got the foggiest idea what we are supposed to do! I intend to tell the psychologist just how upset my husband was as when Nick was telling me he had tears in his eyes-he isn't over sensitive in the slightest but to be humilated in front of the kid that is happily wrecking our lives and already insulting us like it is normal conversation-this just gave Kaine even more power and yet another thing he can throw in our faces and we are supposed to be helping him learn how to behave and work with us not give him a reason to laugh at us!To say the least I am not happy at all with this and a part of me thinks 'go to hell, you expect us to know what you want us to do by telepathy!' The psychologist said it was a little unorthadox and he was changing the play sessions-apparently this type of therapy is called a weird name and he was kind of adapting this kind of play so just maybe he hadn't even thought it through properly.Not happy, not happy at all. www.AnimalAgentz.com http://darkangel6976.stumbleupon.com

This post is from from my other blog here

We had another meeting with my son's psychologist today and he said as the therapy isn't making headway he was going to try something a bit different, he was going to introduce Nick into the play therapy and see how that goes for a few weeks and then let it be me.he said it was a bit unusual but he thought it was worth a try as things are just deteriating still. This will be very interesting as we can summise that Kaine will be great with Nick and pretend all is well and we will see whether Kaine is annoyed that Nick has not been infiltrated into kaine's sessions as kiane absolutley adores and kisses his psychologists ass a lot!Thank god the psychologist sees right through it and he will make sure that Kaine leads the play to see how it goes. We had a good chat about Kaine just simply not being able to function mentally and emotionally and he is irrational as ever, no matter what anyone does Kaine will destroy any friendship and relationship and Kaine can not control or stop himself from doing this as he has not got the cognitive ability to figure this out.The psychologist said no cognitive, alternative, mediation will touch Kaine as he can't figure out things using his frontal lobe system as he is too far gone. he needs stimuli to use his frontal lobe system and that's why hypnotherapy which I suggested wouldn't tough the surface!There still has been no response regarding specialised respite care so yet again the psychologist will be getting back on the phone and trying to get them to bluddy move. He agreed with me when I said if it's all about money why can't we just kill 2 birds with 1 stone, he can't go to mainstream school and sowhy can't we put him in residential school-this way he gets specialised schooling and we get a break and then when he comes home at the weekend we will have the strength and love to spend the whole weekend with him and just be with him as we can do all we need to during the week-a cost effect solution but to even get this we need his Statement of Education, another thing we are waiting to hear about.I hope that my son when he is older realises that I never gave up on him and that I tried to move heavenand earth for him to get help. I hope that he is able to remember at least a few good times when he recalls his childhood.....cos from the way I see it, my son's life has been a serious of shitty events, health concerns and operations and tests that have gone on for years, a mountain of heartache, remorse and aggression and very few moments of clarity and hope.But when I said to the psychologist that I was worried about him getting depressed when older he said it is unlikely due to his condition not being pre-determined and more due to the events and the way Kiane has dealt or not being able to deal with them. My son merely exists in a world where everyone is a threat and nothing he does lasts to be able to change that vision. Apparently Kaine has projected the painful, resentful, upsetting, aggressive relationship he had with his biological father onto Nick and this is thus destroying his relationship with Nick and us as a family. It is not Kaine's fault but his biological father's and as the psychologist I have exhausted every avenue where his biological father could make amends to Kaine. He was distant, aggressive and kept letting kaine down through out Kaines life and this is how Kaine beleives a father son relationship should be even though we have tried to rectify this but due to Kaine being so confused and unable to make sense of this he can only destroy the relationship with anyone now......I sometimes wish I could put his biological father on trial for the damage he has caused my son-yeah I even class him as my son not our son as he wasn't much of a part time father let alone when he was a full time one in the spare moments he could be bothered to be a father.I hope that one day the sun will come out for our family and that Kaine will truly understand what I have tried to do for him was show him, love and comfort and piss everyone off so much that they turned around and said ok yep we will help....if they say no then that will be the end of my son's life according to the psychologist so I hope for their sake that they don't cos if they do you will next be reading all this in every national newspaper and TV and radio channel there is...no one stands by and lets my son go to hell due to money, no one! www.AnimalAgentz.com http://darkangel6976.stumbleupon.com

Yesterday was the first play therapy session where an adult went in the room with my son and the psychologist. My husband was anxious and rather reluctant to do this but the day before the psychologist had said that it might help so we decided to say ok. My husband was to play with my son with the psychologist. Now I left them to it and went of with our daughter to do some shopping, eagerly awaiting the results.....

My husband came out and was a bit quiet. He then went onto tell me how small the psychologist had made him feel! Apparently the only rules in the plat room are that no one is allowed to throw anything. Nick was told that what Kaine asked him to do he was to do so he did, kaine asked Nick to pick a toy and then play with it...so Nick did that but the psychologist told him off for playing with it! Apparently he took too long in getting the toy but the thing was the toy he chose was a fire engine and he was in the box getting the ladders!

The other thing was that apparently Nick had to act like a 4-7 year old-he didn't tell us this the day before. We were led to believe that we were going in that room to help Kaine play with us not act like a kid! How the hell is acting like a kid going to help him have a relationship with us? Apparently Nick realised why Kaine likes going to play there as he can do as he pleases, Nick said that Kaine was allowed to do stuff in the room that we wouldn't allow at home like deliberatly get sand all over the floor-of course a parent would say something but Nick wasn't acting like a parent so he said nothing and NIck got the distinct feeling this was frown upon with the psychologist.

Kaine had a real cheesy grin when Nick got told off, as Kaine saw it as my best friend (psychologist) has told you off ha ha. Nick felt like walking out but stayed in there for 55 mins and he said it was the longest 55 mins of his life, he hated it as he felt every move he made was wrong and was looked upon wrong. He picked the toy and then sat in the chair and the other two sat on the floor-even this didn't go down too well but Nick had not known waht to do as we weren't told anything at all, how to act, how to react, what to say, how to play and what to do about anything!

Nick went to play on the floor with them and he felt so awkward after he was told off that he was on edge for the rest of the time-this wouldn't have been good for the whole situation and if he thinks when it comes to my turn that I am guna take that then he will get a shock.

All this nicy nicy with Kaine isn't allowing anyone to see Kaine for what he actually does so I have a thought up my sleeve. When it comes to my turn I am guna act like a child and say stuff-we all know sometimes children don't want to play with each other and they fight over toys so how about I fight over a toy and bang it and have a tantrum and try and get Kaine all worked up so then the psycholoist gets the real picture of how Kaine reacts!

I will not go and play politely and I will not be spoken to inapporpriately if I don't know the rules as it was totally out of order for Nick to be told off when we haven't got the foggiest idea what we are supposed to do! I intend to tell the psychologist just how upset my husband was as when Nick was telling me he had tears in his eyes-he isn't over sensitive in the slightest but to be humilated in front of the kid that is happily wrecking our lives and already insulting us like it is normal conversation-this just gave Kaine even more power and yet another thing he can throw in our faces and we are supposed to be helping him learn how to behave and work with us not give him a reason to laugh at us!

To say the least I am not happy at all with this and a part of me thinks 'go to hell, you expect us to know what you want us to do by telepathy!'

The psychologist said it was a little unorthadox and he was changing the play sessions-apparently this type of therapy is called a weird name and he was kind of adapting this kind of play so just maybe he hadn't even thought it through properly.

Not happy, not happy at all.

Today I had to leave my brother alone for the day but I checked on him and he seemed ok which is good-1 less thing for me to worry about today.

We had another meeting with my son's psychologist today and he said as the therapy isn't making headway he was going to try something a bit different, he was going to introduce Nick into the play therapy and see how that goes for a few weeks and then let it be me.

he said it was a bit unusual but he thought it was worth a try as things are just deteriating still. This will be very interesting as we can summise that Kaine will be great with Nick and pretend all is well and we will see whether Kaine is annoyed that Nick has not been infiltrated into kaine's sessions as kiane absolutley adores and kisses his psychologists ass a lot!

Thank god the psychologist sees right through it and he will make sure that Kaine leads the play to see how it goes. We had a good chat about Kaine just simply not being able to function mentally and emotionally and he is irrational as ever, no matter what anyone does Kaine will destroy any friendship and relationship and Kaine can not control or stop himself from doing this as he has not got the cognitive ability to figure this out.

The psychologist said no cognitive, alternative, mediation will touch Kaine as he can't figure out things using his frontal lobe system as he is too far gone. he needs stimuli to use his frontal lobe system and that's why hypnotherapy which I suggested wouldn't tough the surface!

There still has been no response regarding specialised respite care so yet again the psychologist will be getting back on the phone and trying to get them to bluddy move. He agreed with me when I said if it's all about money why can't we just kill 2 birds with 1 stone, he can't go to mainstream school and sowhy can't we put him in residential school-this way he gets specialised schooling and we get a break and then when he comes home at the weekend we will have the strength and love to spend the whole weekend with him and just be with him as we can do all we need to during the week-a cost effect solution but to even get this we need his Statement of Education, another thing we are waiting to hear about.

I hope that my son when he is older realises that I never gave up on him and that I tried to move heavenand earth for him to get help. I hope that he is able to remember at least a few good times when he recalls his childhood.....cos from the way I see it, my son's life has been a serious of shitty events, health concerns and operations and tests that have gone on for years, a mountain of heartache, remorse and aggression and very few moments of clarity and hope.

But when I said to the psychologist that I was worried about him getting depressed when  older he said it is unlikely due to his condition not being pre-determined and more due to the events and the way Kiane has dealt or not being able to deal with them. My son merely exists in a world where everyone is a threat and nothing he does lasts to be able to change that vision.

Apparently Kaine has projected the painful, resentful, upsetting, aggressive relationship he had with his biological father onto Nick and this is thus destroying his relationship with Nick and us as a family. It is not Kaine's fault but his biological father's and as the psychologist I have exhausted every avenue where his biological father could make amends to Kaine. He was distant, aggressive and kept letting kaine down through out Kaines life and this is how Kaine beleives a father son relationship should be even though we have tried to rectify this but due to Kaine being so confused and unable to make sense of this he can only destroy the relationship with anyone now......

I sometimes wish I could put his biological father on trial for the damage he has caused my son-yeah I even class him as my son not our son as he wasn't much of a part time father let alone when he was a full time one in the spare moments he could be bothered to be a father.

I hope that one day the sun will come out for our family and that Kaine will truly understand what I have tried to do for him was show him, love and comfort and piss everyone off so much that they turned around and said ok yep we will help....

if they say no then that will be the end of my son's life according to the psychologist so I hope for their sake that they don't cos if they do you will next be reading all this in every national newspaper and TV and radio channel there is...no one stands by and lets my son go to hell due to money, no one!

Hugs and hope to all that read this and keep smiling as there is always a brighter day even though it may be a distance away.

x

My son is 10 and picks up quite easily on tensions and upset and with his diabilities this isn't good. My son has had already a very difficult life and the poor lad has seen too much and felt it too.

Yesterday I went full circle and am worried on how the situation can be and is affected my son. His behaviour at school today was very bad and he hasn't had a great day since he came home either and I am not sure if he is picking up on a situation that I am trying my best to deal with without him knowing.....

My brother who is 37 wants to end his life and has tried several times before. 2 weeks before I got married in 06 he came to me and told me he had tried to kill himself, I spent days sorting out a place for him to stay as he was getting thrown out the day after, he had debts, was not eating and very depressed. My brother has had a crap life and has been in situations that have not been his fault and has never dealt with them so they all came to a head and blew up in his face and made him depressed. I got him on medication and he saw a counsellor for a year.....I thought things were going ok, I thought he was getting through his issues. I was wrong...

Again, he is in debt and has lived on next to nothing as he was taken off his benefit as a stupid medical examiner said he was fit for work-my brother is practically a hermit and he is unable to function in a job anymore. He has started to come to the allotment we have and the onle reason he has done this apparently is because he keeps warm and we all have dinner-his flat runs on electric for everything and he hasn't had any electric. The list is endless and the reasons are many but in a nutshell my brother wants to give up and die-he cried and I cried and eventhough I have my own 'crap' to deal with I am the only person who can do something so over the past 2 days I have spent hours on the phone, sorting benefits, crisis money, re-engaging him in counselling and taken him to the doctors.

He comes home with us every night for a few hours-don't want to leave him at home on his own for too long and due to me doing all this I haven't been picking my son up for the past two days from school, I have been busy sorting his uncle out and I think he is picking up on the vibes and upset I feel as well as the emotions of his uncle. I am trying not to say too much in front of my son as I know how he felt the last time he figured out that his uncle tried to kill himself.

I feel guilty because I am not being 'mum' but feel responsible to get my brother sorted and on the way to recovery. Any ideas on minimising the risk to a very already unstable child? Are there any mums out there with a grown up child who has tried to commit suicide and can give me some tips on how to deal with this properly?

I can't just do nothing and leave my brother to die but I can't sort out my brother's issues and look after my own family with our issues too and I ned to make sure none of the two make each of the situations worse.

Help and advice would be appreciated.