Okay, lets see how much I can whinge about tonight...

I'm bored.

I'm freakin freezing!

My shoulder hurts.

I'm bored.

Aidan's bike needs repair already, dammit, I knew I'd be paying for it forever!

I'm bored.

I can barely feel my feet.

I'm trying to remember what frostbite feels like.

My back is aching.

I'm bored.

My shoulder is stiff and really sore and making all sorts of strange grinding popping noises when I move it.

I'm still bored.

OMFG my shoulder hurts!

The last time I was this cold I was knee deep in snow.

I want a new shoulder.

I'm going to go and see if I can defrost in a hot shower and try to avoid getting chill banes on my feet in doing so, or I'll have more to complain about tomorrow. At least it'll give me something to do and I won't be so cold and bored.

And I'm better... well... rapidly getting better anyway! I'm even getting my sense of humour back to normal.

Okay, admission time, I had a breakdown yesterday but I didn't get admitted to hospital. I'm giving up breastfeeding Danny and going back on my medication at full-doses. My memory of the past 3 months is a bit fractured and foggy in a lot of parts, and the past week or so is almost totally gone, but that happens when ya brain conks out.

I've got a lot of making up and catching up to do. My house looked like a bomb hit it yesterday, and OMG have I got some apologies to give to Ron! I think I've treated him like total crap of late... some of the things I've found on my computer suggest so anyway! And some editing work I was supposed to do for my brother, IF I did it at all, I did a really bad job of it!

If in the past... I can't even remember how long! Okay, if we cover all bases and say since the start of March... if I've seriously upset, offended, or confused anyone, I'm really really really sorry - unless I meant it. LOL If I did any such things, let me know and i'll let you know if it was me or my insanity talking.

Will blog more later. Taking it easy for a while, so if I seem to snob you on msn, don't take it personally, I'm either not here or wanting to just concentrate on one thing at a time and I'm already pre-occupied. I'll catch up with everyone eventually.

I haven't slept properly in... months... and it's getting worse. Stress levels are still rising, and I now haven't slept for 48 hours and counting. I'm going to disconnect my phone and turn off the computer for the weekend and try to re-boot myself in the process. Don't hit the panic buttons unless I haven't re-appeared by Sunday night. I don't want any ambos or cops knocking on my door atm thanks.

He had to draw a picture of a jeep at school, and he brought it home to show off, so very proud because apparently he drew the best picture. So I thought I'd spread the pride and show it off for him here.

It's a really stupid thing to do, believe me. I just did it and I certainly do not recommend it.

Do not attempt to mix spirits with soda when chatting to simplyme01ca on msn. She is such a distraction that it makes doing so potentially hazardous to one's health.

I was chatting away on msn, and I was about to pour myself one big chill out glass of Canadian Club and Coke to sip on for half the night. I put in my 2 nips of CC, was about to fill it with coke and I got carried away chatting and typing....

Then I went to put in my two nips off CC into the glass but had a bit of coke left over from the last drink I had, so I sculled that down first... or rather the double shot of CC that I'd forgotten I already put in the bottom of the glass!!!!

My eyes bugged out, my face went tomato, my mouth turned into niagra falls in the saliva department, I couldn't breathe, and I don't think my throat is going to recover for a while. I think simplyme01ca is going to take a while to recover laughing at me about it as well, because my first comments after doing that were AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

OMFG!!!!

hang on when I can breathe again I'll type...

and several minutes later I got back to the computer. In the meantime she's asking whats wrong, am i okay, what's going on, and cracking jokes which made it even harder for me to get my breath back.

CC is a drink to sip or to mix, it's not one for sculling down two full nips of in one hit.

Do not drink and drive a computer, it's dangerous.

After a bad week of anxiety with no end in sight, I'm slowly getting past it and getting on with normality. As if the fact I have just filled the activity list with responses to the comments left on some of my advice today wasn't an indication! LOL

Some things that haven't helped are being told: Go away and get yourself together - thanks for the support! I've got enough of my own problems and I don't want to hear about yours - thanks for the support! I need time to myself and I don't want you around for a while - thanks for the support! Oh well, at least I know who my real friends are and who understands me best and who to not bother turning to for any kind of emotional support ever again.

Thanks to my Minti friends - you know who you are - for helping me stay as sane as possible - which is a tough thing to do even on the best days - and talking to me when I needed you and leaving me alone when I needed that too.

Danny is three months old today. Oh gees, that time has flown by! I'll have to invest in a high chair and start feeding him solids all too soon!

Aidan is... well... he's just Aidan. He hasn't done anything extraordinary since I last blogged.

I'm over the flu but for a cough, so all okay again there as well.

Not much to say really, well, not without going on a huge rant, which I'm really not in the mood for atm.

When writing a text message on my cell phone, I tend to shorten things sometimes if what I'm saying is brief and easy to understand, as do most people. I just went through my phone and cleared out a heap of old messages, checking each one to make sure it didn't contain something I might need later. I found one that at the time made perfect sense given the subject - changing a tyre on my car - but upon reading it later on I found it... umm... I'm still giggling.

got loose nuts. need a jack.

He's cute still. He's content still. He's not much different at all really, so there's not a lot to say. He's a bit bigger. He now weighs 6.27kgs, and is in size 00 clothes and crawler nappies. Not bad for 11 weeks old. Okay, maybe a bit big for 11 weeks old. LOL

His latest recent development is that he's starting to want for his toys. He'll stare and try to reach for them if they are in view. He loves his wrist rattles and will wave his arms in the air when he wants them. He loves his little blue teddy and will grizzle and try to hug everything in reach when he wants that one. He wiggles himself over to his rocker swing and then grizzles when he can get so close but can't get into it.

At the moment he's very content. He's in his swing, cuddling his blue bear in one arm, shaking and chewing on his wrist rattle on the other, staring up at his little mobile, and kicking his rocking tinkling penguin at his feet, all wrapped up in his favourite blankie after a big feed and he's struggling to keep his eyes open now.

Happy little baby. Yay!

There's wet stuff falling from the sky!!! OMG!!! I was starting to think that didn't happen here.

I'm bored.

I've got the flu and I feel like shit. I wouldn't be surprised if my brain starts oozing out my nose at some point.

Anxiety and paranoia have been kicking me in the butt off and on lately, getting triggered off by the smallest and strangest things. I'm fighting it off with logic and reason, but it keeps coming back, as usual. Push it to the back of my mind and answer a Q&A on Minti now and then and it helps get my mind off things and keep me sane  - as sane as I can be anyway.

Danny is now immunised up-to-date and survived the day just fine. He weighs 6.27 kgs now, which puts him in the 75th percentile. I could have sworn his height was measured at 65 cms, could have sworn thats what she said as well, but she wrote it down afterwards as 58 cms. I dunno, and the mood I'm in I really don't care atm.

In fact I don't care about very much at all atm. Apathy rules supreme in my mind right now.

Had a weird little experience today. Aidan got home from school and shot through to God knows where on his bicycle for an hour. Then all of a sudden this quite cute little girl, about 5 yrs old, who I'd never seen or heard of before, wanders in my back door like she owns the place, politely says hello, and sits herself on the lounge. WTF??? I was stunned and just watched her, having no idea quite what to say or do. Then a few minutes later, the kid from across the lane wanders in the back door as well. Okay, at least I know where he comes from! Then Aidan wanders in. Ah ha! That explains everything... except who this little girl is and where she comes from. As it turns out she lives up the lane way in the next block, and is in kindy at Aidan's school. Okay cool. Now what is a 5 year old girl doing wandering around the neighourhood in the care of an 8 year old boy? The 7 year old across the lane I can understand, after all it's only 20 metres from my front verandah to his. The parents know he's okay here, and Aidan and this boy are always visiting each other. But a 5 year old girl from over a block away who I've never heard of let alone seen? Oh well! At least while she's here I know she's safe... whoever she is. She politely asked me if I could tell her when it's half-past 5 because that's when she had to go home. Okay, cool. 5:20 came round and I let the kids know and Aidan walked her home like a true little gentleman, getting her back home well in time. I'm still sitting here scratching my brain trying to figure out how it is that Aidan can not only befriend young girls so easily, but encourage their parents to let them go with him places...??? It's like he has taken charm to the level of being a superpower. Oh well, at least I know he will look after her and not let her get into trouble, and was smart enough to bring her here rather than go elsewhere. He does tend to "big brother" all younger kids after all. God help me when he's a hormonal teenager!

I'm feeling sorry for Ron. Not just because he's in pain (shoulder surgery next week, about bloody time!) and all that stuff, but because the poor bugger has to put up with me and my horrible all too often go off the rails for a bit mentally ill pain in the arse rants and moods and general BS that comes with the territory.

There haven't been too many times in the past 20 years or so where I haven't gone to sleep at night and hoped I wouldn't wake up in the morning, and then woken up and my first thought has been "Damn! I'm still here." It's become very normal to think that way for me. I don't just think about wiping myself off the face of the planet when I'm very depressed, or stressed, or anxious, paranoid, upset, etc. A lot of the time I think about it and want to die peacefully just because I've been here long enough and simply couldn't be bothered sticking around any longer. How screwed up is that??? Even I sit here wondering, why the hell do I think like that?

When I was in hospital after having Danny I was hit with a migraine from hell for 4 days and OMG I was unwell! I thought I was going to die, I really did. It actually frightened me, but not because I was scared of dying, but because I didn't want to leave Ron in a situation where he'd be wondering what the hell to do with an 8 yr old that just lost his mother and a newborn baby! Yeah, my mind is screwed. I'm the first one to give people an endless supply of reasons why they shouldn't consider suicide, and yet I do it all the time for the most strange and ... well... no reason at all really. I can't help it. I guess when I tell others not to it kind of reminds me why I'm not allowed to do it as well. Except that the whole thing of you're just in a bad place atm and it'll go away soon reason doesn't really apply to me cause I don't only think of it only when in a bad way. I can be perfectly happy and my thoughts will be along the lines of now would be a good time because then I can go out feeling good about things, kind of like leaving a party while everyone is still enjoying themselves rather than stick around too long and have to put up with the drunken fights and people crying over trivial things and generally spoiling the mood. OMG!!! What is with that?

And Poor Ron cops it. He made the mistake of telling me I could talk to him about anything, then I go sending him emails now and then telling him what I'm really thinking and feeling and oh gees! I think I should shut up and pretend everything is all fine and dandy like I normally do, cause I don't want to bring him down and burden him, especially not in his condition. But then I'm not stupid, I know he's not stupid, if I suddenly shut up he'd know something was seriously wrong.

So I'm going to start blogging more often instead I think. Everyone else can blog about what is really going through their head, stuff it, so will I. Just do me a favour folks and don't go all worried and soppy on me with your comments, that just makes me feel bad, and that's frustrating. I've survived 35 years so far, it's all normal for me, there's no reason why I wouldn't still be here blogging away in anther 35 years time... except that would make me 70 by then... what's the average life span again?

Blah.