Yes more stress on me, but this time its not my Ex but my dad.

You see over a month ago he had a heart attack. I was at my friends wedding when it happened so i didnt hear about it till i got home late at night when my mum got in touch with me and told me that dad was taken to hospital with chest pains. The hospital decided to keep him over night but they wanted to run more test on him so he got transfered to Coffs Hospital as it was more bigger and equiped. They found he needed a heart by pass surgery.

He waited at Coffs hospital for almost a week before they manage to find a bed for him at The Prince of Wales Hospital in Sydney. He was scheduled to have the surgery at the end of the week but had to get it cancelled as there was someone more in desperate need but then again after rescheduling it he had to cancel again as he started getting back problems which wasnt good for him if he was going to have surgery so it was another few days before he finally had the surgery. It ended up being a triple heart by pass. Surprisingly he was only in hospital for 3 days later before they sent him home on Valentines Day.

My dad was happy to be back home after all those weeks in hospital. He seemed to be coping fine till last Monday when he started getting chest pains again. He was immediately taken to hospital and looked at overnight. They found out he got an infection in his chest which has gone into his blood. They are giving him strong anti biotics to help fight it but the last couple of days they have been thinking of sending him back down to Sydney. My dad is getting all stressed and worried which isnt helping him. We just pray that he will be find and wont have to go back down to Sydney.  I can see it is putting alot of stress on my mum too *sigh*

From my childhood best friend aka Elocin on MINTI which she replied to my last blog:

As for his behaviour and you being worried about him getting his mistress pregnant, sorry to say but that is no longer your problem you should get on with your own life if thats what happens then there is nothing you can do about it. He is beyound your control and what he does shouldnt matter, its his life now, and its your life now. You may be still married but your seperated which means he will do what he wants without your permission and you will do the same. If you hang on to him and get hurt over what he does and says then nothing will change for you. He has moved on in sertain ways so should you. You have been seeing someone else so get on with life as you said you were going to. Be happy and don't worry about what he does or wants thats not your problem anymore!

She is totally right. I shouldnt worry about his behaviour anymore and what he is doing. He is not my problem. Its just hard cause i am a person who thinks of marriage and commitment highly and i suppose since we are still 'married' i still feel i have a responsibility to know what he is doing for my family's sake... I dont know how to explain it... that is just how i am... I feel anything he does will affect me and the kids in some way for example, tonight my Ex talked to me on msn, he was the one who contacted me to talk. He wanted a 'friendly conversation with me' and during the conversation he told me he plans on going to Holland in May/June this year which his mother is paying and also he is going to bring his mistress along who will be paying herself, Im thinking 'why? he should go by himself and see his family and friends and not introduce his mistress to them, how will the kids react when they are older when they learn about this... i need to be prepared to protect my family... I know it sounds silly what im saying but its just hard to explain how i do feel... and also i do feel jealous in a way cause he told me if he ever goes back to Holland he will bring me over there to finally meet his friends and the rest of his family but i know it will never happen as i will NOT go back to him after what he has done... this road is long and painful but i do know i can make it to the end for a brighter future for me...

Yes my Ex is still bothering me with his strange "friendly" behaviour at the moment. I cant help feeling there is something up... gggrrrr... Its like he is guilty of something and is covering it up, maybe to ease the hurt which he might blow on me again later on... geez i hope he didnt get his mistress pregnant as that would totally make me furious... but i guess im just being paranoid because of this unexpected turnaround as only a week ago he was calling me up late at night complaining about my minti account... hmm...

My son's mexican walking fish is looking sick and i have a feeling its the water balance. I texted my Ex. before he came to drop the kids home to see if he still had the water balance testing kit and he said no but will dropped by pet shop on the way if it is open. Silly me assuming he was going to pay for it because of his 'friendly' behaviour, he text me later and says, your lucky its open, that will be $30 Well i guess its fair to reimburse him i think...

Another unusual thing he did was actually beep the horn of his car to say goodbye... he never did that at all, I just thought that was so weird...

Yes i should be happy for this change of behaviour at the moment but in a way he still seems to bother me somehow...

Yes I thought it was so weird that last night i received an mms from my Ex! He sent me 2 pics of the children just to show me how they are going. Im thinking "Whoa, whats going on here... lol" He never ever did that before ever since we separated. And suddenly this 'new' change... what is going on here??? Is this just guilt on how he is going at the moment or is he just trying to be nice and civil now... hmm... i wonder

Just to add to what i wrote this morning, after i wrote this my Ex sends me another 4 mms of the kids. In a way i am grateful for it but i feel he wants something or is just trying to prove to me that the kids are happy with him...

Oh well I try not to let this bother me... haha... I'll get back to my painting before the kids get home this arvo...

... the weather is still calm over my way... my Ex has just picked up the kids as he has them for the weekend. He didnt say much to me and willing to sign the form to finally take my name off the joint life insurance policy we hold. I was actually surprised he smiled when i jokingly asked him if he can clean out my son's 'bug catcher' full of dead rotting spiders, centipedes, moths etc... lol... im just too disgusted to clean it myself... it is just totally yuk... lol...

Another thing hopefully will be positive for me and the kids is getting our own car soon. We found a second hand car that cost only $2500, its not much but it will do us good to just drive around here and there. My dad's friend owns the car yard so he is doing his best to try help us out. Unfortunately i did try applying for a small loan at the bank and also a car finance company but they declined my application cause they didnt think a single mum like me can afford it. I really thought that was unfair cause i know i can afford to pay off $2500, I did a budget for myself on what i have left over and to me it is enough to pay off a small loan. Anyway, the car finance company said if i can try get another applicant to help me out, then they can give me the loan. I've told my parents and they want to help but they didnt think the finance company will approve it still cause they are on a pension and have a mortgage still to pay so they told me to ask my sis. I thought why not i will give it a go as she has a fulltime job and not much of a debt and really she is not going to be paying it off, i will be the one, she will just be like a guarantor. I rang my sis and asked her and she said that is totally fine. Her name is Caz1806 on here in MINTI if you want to say hi to her... hehe...

I rang the finance company and told them that my sis is willing to be another applicant and they said they will give her a call to confirm some details but hopefully when they do call her they will accept my application.

Fingers crossed for me, I hope i can get the loan...

how my Ex's attitude seems to of changed... I dont know what kind of game he is playing now or whether he is just being nice but i do have my suspicions that he is really up to something... I just cant trust him...

Just almost a week ago he was harrassing me about MINTI late at night. That is why i got annoyed and decided to make a new account to get away from him but its hard as i still need to stay in contact because of the kids. I havent heard from him about the kids arrangements for this weekend so i decided to email him, just tell him that the usual arrangements will be the same as usual and also tell him about how the kids are doing. I thought i would be nice and let him know before he starts complaining why i dont call/notify him about the kids well being...

Anyway i was quite surprise of how he sounded in the email. He seemed 'nicer' saying 'please' and 'thanks'. He finally decided to ask me nicely about helping out with petrol money cause i dont have a car to meet him halfway when he gets the kids. What do you guys think? Is it fair? And also today on the phone after he spoke to our son he wanted to talk to me, and again i was surprise he sounded 'friendly'. Just to confirm with me about the arrangements and a life insurance issue that needs to be finalised. I was thinking... "well well, this is actually the kind of way i would like to talk with him, nice and civil and no arguing at all"

But i wonder if he is like this because he thinks i have 'stopped' my MINTI account. He hasnt mentioned anything about it. He maybe thinks I have deleted it. Which admin has confirmed with me that it has been deleted and hopefully he does not pick up I started a new one... Oh well we will soon find out if he starts complaining again...

...well that is what it felt these last few days really, as i saved all my blogs, replies/advices recieved, lounge entries and even a few (well alot) of minti mail from my old account which will be deleted tomorrow *sigh* I really hate to lose my old account and start a fresh but i really have to, if i want to try and get away from my Ex.

I cant believe the stuff i have gone through ever since my marriage started falling apart. It feels like my whole life is a soap opera unfolding. One moment im on a high in the sky and then next something is brewing in the shadows and im way back down on the ground. I never expected my life to turn out this way.

Hopefully this nightmare part of my life will brighten up. Well I think it is starting to in a way. I just have to keep thinking positive and push all the negative aside. I dont think i can deal with any more crap as i do not deserve it!

One really positive thing when i walked down this memory lane was the GREAT WONDERFUL AMAZING FRIENDS AND SUPPORT I GOT FROM MINTI!!!

THANK YOU

Crunchy Chocolate Chunk Cookies... who can say that really quick... lol...

Yesterday the kids and i decided to make some cookies with what ingredients we could find in the cupboard. Amazingly they tasted really good and smelled exactly like the cookies you can smell at the cookie shop when you walk past it in the plaza.

Funny how the kids try and help. While chopping up the block of chocolate into chunks, i asked my daughter to place the chopped up ones into the bowl, what she did was placed one chunk in the bowl and one chunk in her mouth, which she continued to do... you cant help laughing and thinking maybe it was a bad idea to ask her to help...

The kids were pretty proud of what they made and my son is pretty excited to actually serve it up when his friend comes over to play today.

He has made a really good friend at school and today will be like there first 'play date' out of school hours. Its good to see him able to socialise and also it gives me some confidence to meet new people such as the parents.

Oh well that is all for now... till next time... enjoy the rest of your weekend

This is the only way i can think of at the moment to get some privacy, well to blog about my business and to get things off my chest. I dont mean to slander if it sounds like that in my previous blogs but that is what my Ex tells me that i am doing. I am not delibrately making him out like a bad person which he believes i am doing, what i talk about is the truth and what is happening in my life. My councellors tell me it is very theraputic to do what i am doing.

He calls me last night at approx. 10.15pm and demands why i am now writing in my lounge so he can read it. I tell him it is my business on what i write. That really pissed me off that he is still trying to controll me on what i do. I thought to myself, 'its Valentines Day, you should be worrying about your mistress and not me"  aaaaarrrrgggghhhh

In some way now he seems to twist things around on what i do and say. That is why he checks up on my blogs. He finds a way to make me feel guilty, especially when it has to do with the kids. Nothing i can say or do will ever be good enough. Sometimes i feel like im a bad mother cause if I want to get some 'me time' I feel like someone will critisise me for it.