well i think she is just about ready for big school next week what do u think lol

i think this little lady was up to mischeif while mummy was taking kylies pictures lol hehe

luv emz xxxx

Oh god what a morning am i having i wasnt going to log on til later after barry got up and i hadmy sleep but i feel so stressed i couldent keep away ive been up most the night and morning im so tired and feel like crap so dont read anymore unless u wanna hear wat a crap morning im having cos im just having a winge lol

kylie is driving me absolutly insane hr attitude stinks she is telling me NO shouting and screaming at chloe refusing to tidy her room refusing to get dresssed she tried runnig away with the buggy at the shop and ran a poor man over in the shop she has been stood here whie im writting this threatening to smack me she has refusecd to eat her brekfast yet she thinks she is getting an icecream yeah right

Chloe isnt feeeling too happy as her teetth are hurtin bless her cotton socks well im off to do the dishes before i loose it with her

luv emz xxx

Omg how many teet are we going to have next week we have another 2 and they cut just after i put her to bed jus pot luck she woke up and she ws screaming so much i knew she wasnt right went andgot her u could tell she was in pain and her cheek was bright red still is so i got her back out of bed and took her outside to calm herr  a little but she was just shaking cos it was a bit windy teether was not in fridge ut-oh where has she hidden it now so i put her down on the sofa cos i cant hold hger long at the mo and gave her a strawberry which she is still scoffing while i grabbed the bongela and gave her sme of thst hmm now i need to find this teether oh dont u jus love kids knowing my luck it will be in kylies room lol oh shes really enjoying that strawberry bless welll i better start hunting lol

luv emz xx

Why is it that when u want something to hurry up and happen it never does the last week has seemed forever , Im really getting sickof taking all this medication just to make myself feel a little better i went to the drs today actually for my arm itt works out stupid idiot me has twisted the muscle great he asked how the morphine was going so i told him it is helping the pain but i am still being sick quite alot and had a little winge that im fed up with waiting he did actually listen which made a change lol jhe said its only 10 days but that alright for him to say how about he  be's me for 10 days he offered me these anti sickness (displosaries) which i refused and said i would stick to what i had ! So now hopefully my arm should start to get better the next few days and get more time on minti yay i just hope these next 20 days go quicker than the last week

Oh and chloe took her first short walk today holding mummys hand we went to the chemist to get her some new teats as she has been biting them she walked all the way there all round the chemist and all the way back home and she held my hand the whole way and was very very good maybe we will try and take her a little further tomorrow

luv emz xxx

Heres my little chloe having a swing she loves the swings .

This is my darling kylie on the see-saw she is so happy there but what u cant see is mummy is sat the other end and she has just been bumped haha .

This is kylie pushing chloe in the swing while mummy takes a break kylie doesnt like the swings but she loves pushing her little sister and chloe loves her big sister pushing her too .

unfortunatly chloe got sick and never got to give kylie a go on the slide and we went home .

something gives me the feeling chloe wanted to stay at the park ooooo paddy

Kylie and chloe were ever so good at the park so they came home jumped on the sofa and i gave them a pastry and a sticker and they were both happy yay

luv emz xxxxx

hey ,

well i hope everyone is ok ive gone and hurt my arm so im  doing this and all typing with 1 hand cos its so bloody sore and jus to top it off i whacked my elbow on the computer and the plastic bit somehow gave it a nice deep cut so ive pretty much been in the walls lol

Chloes belly is a blt better today too nd she is not got diarea anymore yay although she is still a little grumpy but we are going park later so that will cheer her up lol

kylie has been on the bad behvaiour trip since i asked about her mother the other day but that is expected im sure she will b ok

cheers xxx

Well yeah its true this morning about half 10 the phone rings and it was her so as it been months and kylies behaviour is progressing i thought this wasnt a good idea so as kylie was near by i left it then we heard no more all day thought she had given up to be quiet honest well then i got a txt it says i have not been in touch with kylie because u said she smashes her room but i would like to talk to her ! I replied saying this was exactly why she smashes her room and hurts deep inside blaming everyone around her and i said i did not think it was a good idea and i thought that would be it but then i got another i still love her though can i ring her , yeah how many times have i heard that but everytime i fall for it but not this time this is my littlee girl getting hurt emotionally and mentally so i decided the only thing to do was to ask her so i did just that she said no and that her mother makes her sad so i told her exactly this she said she still loves her though can she talk to her i once again said no now she is saying she wants to come and see her with her daughter charlene but why should i allow this she has messed with her head some more i told her last time every 4 weeks or kiss her goodbye grr im so angry my poor little girl getting hurt once again by that messed up cow grr

sorry guys needed to get that out xxxxx

When a hurtful word is spoken
Or an unkind deed is done
I always must remember
I am not the only one
Who has ever been mistreated
Stepped upon or pushed aside
By thoughtless harmful actions
Or selfish hateful pride.

The world is full of people
Who purposely abuse
Who lie and cheat and slander
And manipulate and use
Anyone and everyone
Who might get in their way
Of success or fame or power;
No price too big to pay.

Well chloe isnt feeling very well today hshe has a touch of diareaand has beeen screaming all morning poor little monster she must have a bug or something dont thiknk she is going to be going any further than my dads today i think as we weregoing to go beach and waterpark

my medication is beginnig to work now but it is making me really tired and i am drifting away all the time hence why i havent been on here that much but hopefully wen barry goes back t work i get more of a chance lol well barry isnt goin to be happy wen i tell him chloe cant go todaqy only to my dads because she not very well

well i guess i better get some housework done

luv emz xx

Dont u have to mean to forgive someone for what they did for who they made u become who stole ur family ur childhood too how could u forgive that or even want to i stand talll and say those who abuse should NEVER  be forgiven i would give my whole life to have him sufferr for what he did to me he ruined my life for many years but most importantly when i knew no better i was just a girl wih my whole life ahead if my step dad never raped us maybe my step sister would be alive today how can i ever forgive that???? FORGIVENESS is a very strong word and i will NEVER FORGIVE AND NEVER FORGET

sorry guys jus my feeling on forgiveness

Well finally my results are in they kept me waiting ages and my belly was turning anway the result was NEGATIVE  yay so now i know its not ging tohappen i can tell u all so here when i went docs on monday he did a preg test cos he thought that could be half the pain and sickness and dizzyness etc BUT if i was the baby would have been been surrounded and infected with this disese and would have very slim chances of surviving at all as for me most of my stomach would have deteriated and who knows what would of happened to my pelvis so for these reasons i would have been forced to have an abortion so this result i say is a good 1

So now i have to wait for my doctor to call me back which apparantly will be at about half 10 to see what happens now cos they surely cant leave me like this til the 7th and if they do im off to the hospital to demand they sort it

luv emz xxxx

Ok this is beginning to annoy me now ive been waiting since monday for god sake how long does it take for the hospital to put a dip stick in some urine surely it cant b that hard well they open in 20 mins so i will be ringing them as ive had enough of waiting now in fact it is driving me nuts i hate bloody waiting well im going now jus wanted to get that out

luv emz xxx

I just wanted to say thank you to all my friends that have been there for me the last few days i really appreciate it and all your kind words and all your wonderful supportive emails too i dont need to mention your names here as u all know who you are and i can truly mean i love you all

Also thanks to all those that also left messages in my lounge and also those that visied my blogg and gave me great support when i needed it the most .

Maria sorry i never called at 2 my mind was totally away with it i really must get some housework done and i will give u a call once i got kids into bed mwa

well thats it for now mwa

love emz xxxx

How are we so "different"?
If "different" is just a thing.
If we all have certain features,
What does "different" bring?

People filled with hatred,
Can't possibly see,
That there's not really "differences"
Between you and me.

Looks can't show "difference",
If they're just there to be seen.
If you don't look like someone else,
Why are they so mean?

If being "different" is what is wrong,
I'd rather not be right.
And I'd want to finish living,
Doing the "different" fight.

luv emz xx

Hey ,

i have been to docs well they have blamed the sickness on u could b pregnant yeah right ive done loads of tests hopefully that not the case cos i dont like what he said about that im not going to say what that is as im trying to come to terms with it myself and he has also gave me anti sickness and some strong cocodamol and ibupbufen until results come back!

I also mentioned choes green poo and he said he thinks it could be to do with the teething so hopefully she be better soon but she was a good girl and did a poo for the doc bless her

well im off hope your all having a great day luv emz xx

I always thought sunday was a day of rest yeah right not in this house lol, its nearly 10 and im still on the go .

Well im gonna go drs tomorrow as ive been getting real bad pains in lower abdomen and it feels like my pelvis is twisting painkillers not working and ive spent the afternoon having dizzy spells and throwing up and im really tired as i only got 3 hrs sleep last night and i woke chloe up too and i can tell u she wernt impressed lol.

barry has sppent the day bein miserable and i had to deal with it cos sundays he is on call out from home lol so all afternoon kylie has also been playing up and i got the brunt end with it im not going to say the names he called me cos its not appropiate for a blogg but i will tell u its something i hate being called something my step dad used to call me everyday and a few other horrible names so now i have put the wedding off and took my engagement ring off as he has really upset me and i am not talking to him anyhow enough of him

Chloe has been a bit better with her teeth today although she does hjave another how many more bless her but the thing that really concerned me about her today is i changed her nappy and twice today she has had a green poo can anyone telll me what makes their poo green???? My poor little angel well maybe she should see the doc tomorrow too lol.

well im off as thats miserable guts bCK SO IM GONNA GO DISH UP DINNER HE HAVING CHICKEN AND CHIPS AND IM JUS HAVING A SANDWICH AS I DONT FEEL LIKE CHICKEN AND CHIPS AS I WILL ONLY BE SICK SO I WILL TRY SANDWICH

oops soorry  never realised caps were on

well everyone have a good day

luv emz xxxx

well my day wasnt too bad i even got the chance to catch up with 2 great friends of mine 1 on here and another a good friend  i have not seen in a months or 2 cos her nan has senile dementure and she real bad she looks after her and her nan is a little sweetie she 91 wow isnt that a amazing age so we were chatting A good hour and was really nice and we chatted about my op too she even said she would have blim blam(chloe) the day of my op at least then i can relax knowing she is ok and i also told her about kylies behaviour gettting worse and what the specialized health visitor said and she afgrees with me im not depressed at all

as some of u know i text kylies mother today and told her she was no longer having any contact with kylie as her head is messed up and she hasnt got back to me so i take it she is not bothered so hopefully now we can move on with our lifes well unless kylie decides otherwise when she is old enough.

Barry has been in a miserable mood all evening but he gonenow in a pissy cos his new work mate has put £96 of petrol in a diesel truck hahaha haahahhahahha sorry i find that really ammussing now barry has to go take the tank off and empty it and refill it omg 96 litres of petrol to be waasted oops boss not happy

my baby has been a bit grumpy though as she nw has 8 teeth coming through bless her litle heart she must be in so much pain my poor baby

luv emz xxx

I feel quite bad ive sent kylies mother a txt saying that regarding our last conversation in may that she sees kylie every 4 weks and calls most if not every day and she sends her aa letter every week and as she hasnt carried this out i take it she no longer wants to see or talk to kylie i only did this because yesterday she was asking about her mother then 20 mins later lashed out on me threw a brick at me and hit me in the stomach 3 times i thought all night and the only thing i can think that set her offwas thinking about her mother

do u think im wrong after all she is her mother ??????

good morning everyone , Well it works out i should not have been so proud of barry yesterday as i was later informed that he wasnt looking after her at all his friends girlfiend who came to visit was she pushed her round the aquariumand even gave her her lunch yeah she really had a nice time with daddy maybe after all i should arrange for a babysitter to have chloe while im in hospital at least i know she will be taken care of by the person looking after her which is more than i can say for barry

Ive vbeen rudely awoken this morning and am not happy about it at all lloks li8ke next door got done over again last last night and there are work men putting a new door up for her at half 7 in the bloody  morning whats wrong with leaving it til a bit later and i swear im gonna stick that bloody drill somewhere very uncomfortable if they dont start to shuut up the noise real soon

well i guess i better go do these grumpy kids some brekfast hope ur allhaving a good day

luv emz xx

wow im so shocked like i said alreadyur not going to believe this barry has took chloe out for the day to a aquarium which will be good for chloe because she likes pointing aty things aty the mmoment and she will love it and kylie has sickness anmd diorea so she is staying home with me and we will take a short walk to the park in a bit i am so shocked this is the first time in 13 monthas he has taken her out without me but i am missing her

luv emz xx

Well i waited ages as u can see i never got called in untill gone 11 and as i got dumped with chloe while barry and kylie took a walk anyhow she was bored anyhow they did my height and weight and blood pressure never needed blood test yay , then she started going throught he procedure the first bit i jus agreeed with cos ive had a lap before then she started explaining the gyne thinks they may need to to move the camera and put it into differant sections if the infection has gone that far i obviously asked about fertility and they said they cant answer that at present but if u ask me its not looking good but she was ever so kind and answered all my questions well anyway its not jus yet it will be on 7th september and i have to be there at 8am so i guess its just waiting

thanks for all your support the last week i really appreciate it .

luv emz xxx

I jus wanted to quickly say thank you to all those who have been here for me supporting me through my health troubles ive turnt on the computer this morning and the lounge entries and the comments from u all are lovely it means alot well today is the day i jus hope my veins behave theirselves haha but im not gonna think of that i going by  myself so i have to be brave

well anyway tell u more when i get back

luv emz xx

Well this morning chloe woke up at 5 determined to get up so we got up i made myself  a drink and got chloe a nice cold drink and some brekkie then she played for about 5 mins and started falling over with tiredness so we went back to bed for half hour then we got back up and she had a snack about half hour kylie got up and boy didnt i know it well i had to wait 4 shop to open before making kylies brekfast so she was not impressed as i wasnt even dressed let alone chloe , anyhow i told her to get dressed she refused it took about 50 minutes for her to finally get dressed from there it took us a further 30 mins getting out the door as she was messing about , finally got to shop kylie was running riot and not doing as she was told she even lost me and i found her a couple of mins later crying i explained to her the dangers of her running away from mummy and she never seemed to care and started laughing at me so then i made her hold hold on to buggy went round the crisp isle as she origionally wanted mccoys eith kylie not allowed to let go of buggy i picked up chloe a bag of crisp and walked over to the till she was screaming in the que i want some wibbly wobblys (mcccoys) i told her 3 times she was not having any as she was being naughty still she carried on so i chose to ignore her everybody was starring at me as if i was a bad mum but i wont have her behaviour i do not give her treat for being naughty we finally got to the til and luckily it was a lady i spoke to regularly and kylie said to her my mummy is horrible to me !

after returning home the behaaviour improoved therefore after lunch i gave her the chance to choose a piece of fruit out of the dish she sat there for a minute rhen went to stand by daddy after that chloe woke up so i did her some lunch too and cos she is a bit uncomfortable below at the mo as her teething has given her a sore bum so i put her on the sofa to eat her lunch and sat in front of her in case she decided to move about and fall to that kylie dstarted again i was sat there i said no u wasnt u was stoood over there with daddy no i was not i was sat there i said well dont worry come and sit here next to chloe and show her how you eat nicely yes she did sit next to chloe but the reasons were shocking she sat next to her and smacked her in the chest to this i told her to apologize and get to her room out of my sight she refused to do both i then picked her up after giving her to 3 and took her to her room and shut the door behind me she was kicking off bigtime , barry then went all funny i asked what was wrong and he said its always like this aint it her screaming and kicking offf i said yes im not putting up with it anymore she is naughty she will be punnished he never liked that but tough anyhow me and barry ended up arguing and i said im not having her hurting my daughteer he said she wasnt crying but that not the point she smacked her in the chest she could have done damage and i felt she should be punnished i decided i should not be getting stressed right now so i walked away jus a minute later she was out of her rooom and he had no intensions on puttingf her back in fact he decided he is taking the dog for a walk and he is going to take kylie and he then whispered he was taking her to the fun house too by this i was fuming yeah that soyunds a great idea i said she smacks her sister in the chest his reasons for not taking chloe is she cant go to the woods why not she has a buggy then he wanted me to go i said no thanks im quite happy your getting kylie out my sight well i hope they are gone for a whie hopefully they return in time for dinner and bed and i cam have an early night ready for tomorrow great how exiting

well hope everyone had a better dayt han me

luv emz xx

well i hope everybody is ok i am  jus bored and thought i would write here while im waiting for my bath to run lol well im feeling pretty rubbish this evening my belly hurting and this stupid wisdom tooth is driving me mad well in the morning it will only be 1 day before going to the hospital 4 blood tests etc ready 4 op and find out when it is im beggining to get reallly scared lol its not as much the op its the results after lol buit i guess i have to find out or iut will onlyu get worse as the pain seems to be getting worse and worse but we will see

Why is it men talk so much crap haha wel;l kylie has been on one today and she kicked off this evening as soon as daddy got home aand was messing about in bed and she even forced herself to poo grr and i was expected to go in to her every call but did i i dont think so the more i go the more she calls one day he will understand that lol im also feeling a little sad as a very good friend iof mine has had some very bad news lolwell im gonna go take a nice relaxing bath and have a nice pastry that i made earlier yummy then i will be back

mwa luv emz xxx

Love you loads nikki thinking of u today and always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well looks like ive already had my day planned by miss kylie ive jus been informed that im aparanty taking the dog down the field then come hme cook pastries have lunch and take her and chloe to the park great fun huh well i guess i better get a bit of housework done before we go down the field and get kylies bedding in the machine as she had a little accident last night and she is moody today so i will be glad to get out of the house she doing my head in and being horrible to chloe and constanty screaming and in a minute im going to be screaming

right im gone hopw you are all having a great day

luv emz xxxx

Today i seem to be feeling a  little sad i think its due to my new painkillers but the slightest thing sets me off my dad was supposed to come over today as he told my friend he would come and see chloe walking as he hasnt seen her walk yet thought he would seems its his 1st born grand daughter after all , maybe i expet too much but really he is all i have exept my nan who as some of u know has senile dementure she is also worrying me as this evening she called and asked where i had been she was trying to find me as kellie (my sister that passed away 4 yrs ago) was so say looking for me i asked what she meant by kellie looking for me her reply was dont be so stupid sweetheart  kellie has gone she said she was coming for lunch tomorrow we will see if she comes i hope she does as im worried if not im going to her .

Im also getting worried about this hospital thing i have my pre assesment wednesday then i will find out the exact date for the lap im hoping its real soon cos ive had enough of this pain now and the longer there leaving it the worse4 its getting the more chance iim go nna loose the tube and most proberrrly end out infertile barry dont undersand the way im feeling either he thinks im jus being stupid but i know im not this pain is worse than before thats gotta be telling me something if kellie was still here today she be dragging me to that hospital and demanding it to be sorted like the 1st time round but shes not and i have to do it by myself but i think i will wait instead of demanding cos im bloody scared of whT THE OUTCOME IS GOING TO BE oops sorry

also me and chloe seem to be teething togethjer she has been really restless tonight i have to keep setling her back down the poor thing and i have my wisdom tooth coming througgh and it really hurts im a baby i know well its time for my painkillers so i have to go now

luv emz xx

well i need to write this quick before my washing machine shuts my electric off so sorry if i make any mistakes .

well this week chloe seems to be doing really well she has progressed so much this week we have now had 5 teeth last 1 being this morning which is proberly why she was unsettled last night although it dont seem to be bothering her and is sat watching baby bright and eating her brekkie lol .

she is now also trying to run and also she can now pushher car and get on and off it she can also get on the sofa and back off al by herself for the laast few days she has been able to ge up without holding on something to get up and she says mummum dadda ta and yeah

she is now 13 months and i thimk she is doing realy well

luv emz xx

well i had a rather good day today ,was very tired this morning as i think barry work phone must have disturbed me and didnt sleep too well as i dont like being in the bed by myself and cant sleep too welll in the house on my own anyhow chloe woke up at 6 for her milk but barry had only got in from that job until 5 so me and chloe got up i made myself a cup of tea and got chloe some milk then i made barrys lunch and chloes brekkie she sat in her highchair nicely and ate her brekkie kylie came out her room mummy i need a wee i said ok wee and back to bed its too early she had a wee tried the its not too early mum its 7.30 i said i can tell the time thank you its 6.20 bum in bed before i kick it haha so she went off to bed i never heard any more barry went work chloe went bed i thought i will stay up in case kylie dont go back off but to that i laid on the sofa and woke up to chloe calling at jus gone 10 ow how lazy are we well i guess we were tired well i know i was

we pretty much had a lazy day from there on i never got dressed even untill 4 well i guess all us mums are entitled to have a lazy day and just relax

well up until this evening barry has come home in a grump and by the time he got a calll out he had had a pop at all of us the miserable so and so just because he is tired he is taking it out on us i hope his friend goes soon and he crashes out cos he is really doing my head in he also had a go at me cos i called him just as he arrived at a emergency police job so he had a go at me how was i supposed to know he is at work and im at honme men are jus so stupid sometimes

well i gotta go myu little angel has woke up and her little new teeth are giving her trouble so iim gobnnna go give her a cuddle

luv emz xxx

wasnt impressed about home time lol

oh dear tantrum hehe

luv emz x

Well me and chloe are feeling a bit grumpy today i think its because we are very tired as we were rudely woken by my neighbours loud bloody music at 0500 chloe is sso grumpy although she running round exited she has no nappy on i jus hope chloe goes back to sleep before kylie gets up then i anget some more sleep ha in fact i may go back to bed and get barry to watchthe kids before he goes work lol

well i best go do my madam some brekkie

luv emz x

Today i brought chloe a potty not planning on using but anyhow i put it on the floorjust to see what she would do with it seems she is walking well now , anyhow she sat on it she got up she sat on it she got up she absolutly loves it now i jus have tget her to do a wee in it hmm dont think that be too easy but we will see

We also took a visit to the park today as i was feeling A  little betterand i wanted to take the girls tothe park and onthe way to the park i thought i had better warn kylie thatmummy is going to be going to the hospital and i tld her i need her to be nice to both daddy and chloe for me and she promised she would she also said she was going to bring me some flowers bless i thought that was cute ,

well in all i had quite a good day exept kylie punched me in the mouth and as u can imagine that never went down well kylie went to bed without her fruit . Well hope ur all having a good day

luv emz xx

Well ive been to the doctors and ive been given a bit of truth for a change he could see i was in pain & upset the first thing he said was ive read your notes from ur hospital appointment so then he said ok now whats wrong today i told him everything from the pain to this assessment yesterday and he jus sat there listening wen i had finnished he said ok firstly this depression thing you do not have depression you are ill he explained that in thhe report written about my hospital visit they arnt actually looking for pid they already know i have that they are actually looking for cpid im not quite sure wat this is yet as i havent had time to look it up yet anyhow he sid that this stands for chronic pelvic inflammitary disease he claimed this disease causes scaring in the tubes and if the scarring is serious i willl also have to have to be reopened to have my tube removed but as for the pelvis it will always hurt he also examined the whole area on the left side i asked him to stop because i was gonna lump him and i dont like violence anyhow he gave me stronger tabs for the pain he was gonna give me cocodomol but i had those never worked then he said dehydrocodyne so then i had to admit i been using them from wen barry came out of hospital a while back and they never worked either so he ended up giving me tramadol but he said they are very strong and may make me really sick but he said to give it a go and he also went against the hospital and has given me some anti biotics to help fight off some of the disease to cut back the scarring in my left tube well now im petrified .

So im jus gonna have a relaxing day and the houseworkcan do itself unless of course barry wants to do it yeah and then i woke up hehe

luv emz xxx

well i woke up this morning not feeling too clever my bellly was hurting and i was feeling a bit nervous for kylies assessment but yet i knew i had to sort myself out and get the house started so i mADE  myself a cuppa while doing kids brekkie then got on and done my housework finnishhing 20 mins before the arrival of health visitor so i had a bit of time to sit down and relax lol.

She arrived i welcomed her and offered tea or coffee and showed her to the living room anyhow she said hello to kylie she was unsure like she is with anyone she dont know well anyhow for the first 10 mins i gave her a good idea of where the land lies with kylies behaviour and the rare contact with her mother etc, to that she bearing in mind at this time i was also talking to kylie as she drew and praised her for her picyures and playing with chloe distracting her from taking kylies pens or book anyhow in this time she decided kylie has low self esteem what does she expect when her mother constantly lets her down and cant understand why , also she outlined that she thought this was because i don give herr enough praise yet i praised her for every mark she made! I was very annoyed by this as then i felt i was being blamed she asked how i felt about there as i got so angry my face looked like this so i was not going to tell her anymore seems she had judged me already so i jus said fine she then started askin if i thought of or ever have seen somebody for my mental health i said i did yrs ago but i dont need to anymore i dont have depression !!! Anyhow i thought it was kylie being asessed not me and she then started going on about sending reports to a behaviour course i had done for kylie last yr and doc i said fine  to this barry came from the bathroom after his shower barry could see i was madand he asked wat was wrong i said nothing she then asked me what fine means i replied fine means imok ! Then thankfullly she started talking to barry who by the way did very well she  asked him who had most responsibility with the girls and why so he said that myself has most care of the children for 2 reason 1 being because im better at it which i thought was a lovely comment seems i was not feeling very happy at the time and reason 2 being he is too soft yay he admitted it i am so proud of him for that he also explained the amount of problems we are having with kylie she once again went on about self esteem then right at the end she did her kick off and she blamed that on a strawberry milkshake that she had 10 mins previous barry also mentioned he is not happy with kylie smacking and threatening to smack myself and chloe and she decided this was because chloes the new baby thats rubbish she started making out since chloe i would not spend as much time with her and dont give her as much attention wen actuallly kylies always has my full attention after this i really can not remember much of wat she said but she is coming again in september to see hw it going but to be quite honest i may ask barry to do the appointment as ii dont really want to see her again after judging me like that .

Well my belly is really been hurtting today and have been getting this grinding noise coming from the pelvic area every so often which is driving me mad lol i really should get to hospital but i willl make that decision in the morning once ive had some sleep lol. I also for the last week have not really been able to eat much like this evening we jus had pizza and chips and i had a few chips and a bite of pizza at the bite of pizza i felt as though i was gonna throw up and could not eat anymore so im gonna have to speak to doc bout that tomorrow i think and then see wat he says

This afternoon barry took kylie for a walk while chloe had her nap and i had a bit of peace which was real nice and i really am proud of barry admitting we both think kylie has a problrm for the first time yay

Well im gonna go have A nice soak in the bath

have a great day luv emz x

hey thought i would pop in and tell u all how it went well in my mind i mmay as well not have bothered i was so right  aparantly its not kylie with the problem its me so there u go thats the bottom line here it is in her words there isnt anything wrong with kylie in fact im more worried about you ! should not have bothered in the first place

well im going chloe be up soon and kylie be back soon too

luv emz x

well ok its only 08.15 so we still have a few hours before this asessment ive drank tea non stop since i woke i have butterflies in my tummy barry thoughtt he would be workin but he managed to get it off but this is really scary i know once i know whats wrong i will proberly deal with it better but we wil jus have to wait and see but to cheer me up i have my daughter here throwing daddys smelly sock at me phew .... charming huh lol well i best go cos im finnishing my tea then i have to get sorted for this asessment ooooo welll i have my fingeers crossed its going to be ok lets jus hope she wakes up in a good mood today

be back after

luv emz xx

ok tomorrow this specislized health visitor is coming to see kylie about getting her assesed to see if she had adhd/autism and im really worried i dont know what she is going to do, i dont know what she is going to say to her, what are they going to think of me a bad parent , by us doing this both of us have to admit she has a problem which will b hard for barry he can hardily admit to me she has a problem let alone a complete stranger. Well i guess we are not going to know what to expect until tomorrow when it hits us in the face .

well i hope everyone is having a great day ...

luv emz xx

I felt weak and subdued, alone and confused
What did you expect it was me you abused
 I was angry but helpless, ashamed and depressed
 I was dirty and naive I felt powerless

 No-one could help me because no-one knew
 That was the biggest mistake of all and so my rage grew 
But if someone did know, what could they have done
 Made my life more stressful? or made my life more fun?

 The damage caused, the sorrow made, 
As it became more intense I saw my confidence fade
 All the lies and torture I felt so betrayed
I was breaking down, my heart had been mislaid 

But now I'm stronger, confident and all
 I'm a brave free winner and I shall stand tall!

emzxx