Well Barry went back to see his dctor today we were hoping they were going to say he could go back to work as it hasnt really been hurting.. So anyway he got him to move it and ah bit of a poblem there cant do that his arm only goes up half way the doctor started moving his arm and click click click click . So he does have to have an operation on his back and he needs to wait for an appointment from the hospital and he has gave him another 2 weeks sick note and he has to go and see him again. Im going to sound really cruel now but i just want him to go back to work its not healthy for our relationship we are constantly arguing.

Barry has built me a new computerand already its driving me nuts he has spent all day putting it together bless him but i just want my computer back i cant get quick heal back on here the only reason i can log on minti is because its in my favouritesi cant even get google stupid bloody thing arr i could throw it out the window.

Kylies behaviour is driving me crazy her behaviour has just been horrible i caught her smacking chloe in the face earlier and then they started full on fighting and then just 10 mins after  caught kylie kicking chloe in the leg for playing with her own puzzle. Her attitude absolutly stinks every meal al we hear is either i dont want it or i dont like it . Dont you just love half term?

I saw moon andshe has her staples out she does have quite a bit of a scar but she happily played with buster and pepsi. it was so good to see her i have missed her so much xxxx

Moon is slowly getting better ! As u can see when she wentto the vets she needed a few staples under her eye and she had a tetnus too. I am missing her so much and so is Pepsi and Buster . She has her staples out today hopefullt after she will be able to come and visit us i hope that all goes well at the vetsfor her today and she is all better afterwards poor baby xxxx

I sent Barry to get me a new mouse tihs afternoon as mine is been playing up the last few days and it is driving me nuts . Well he came back and he brought me a wireless keyboard and mouse ! It is so cool i love it !!! Its like his only BETTER !!!

He said it doesent work on Minti i can use any site apparantly BUT minti . Yeah right as if i am going to buy that. I told him he has it mixed up it works on no site other than minti hahahaha.

Been busy today me and the girls went shopping this morning we needed food bad the freezer was nearly empty and no potatoes or pasta and Kylie has all of a sudden decuded just last week she no longer like s chips she like potato wedges though please dont tell her they are the same thing LOL . Her latest is she dont like bread or cucumber ot much she does like at the moment . She is getting a right fussy eater.

Caroline (councillor) called me today i told her that i thought our appointment was on 27th i go confussed somehow . She saw  the funny side anyway just me being forgetful . She asked if i had my letter from anita (from mental health team ) i told her i had an appointment at drxs on 6th and she was happy with that as we have an appointment onn the 4th also . She asked how i was doing and how the complaint was going when i told her i was waiting for another meeting as they havent yert answered any of the questions ont he complaint , Her reply was she cant believe that i am being so strong and facing them head on with everything tey throw at me. But i have to i know what i saw .

Barry goes to the doctors in the morning he will find out weather he does in fact need an operation on his back . Fingers  crossed he dont as i cant be dealing with him being on SSP  he has had a full months wage for his accident andif u ask me his back is betterwell he managed to help me lay a carpet in chloes bedroom todayif he can do that he  can drive. Made me augh when Carl brought barrys wage slip in last night in the time he has been off sick he has had a pay rise ? Go figure ? maybe he should go sick more often haha.

Im rambling again its this new keyboard its so soft and so easty to type its hard to stop hehehehe.

Luv Emz xxx

Well after all yesterdays palava if barry had rang his boss to ask him where his wages were? there would have been no arguement. As todayu he sttill hasnt been paid bummer huh? Anyyway he gets paid tomorrow he put the wages in on 25th which is later than usual so it will be clear tomorrow.They have also now toldhim they have given him 4 weeks fully paid but from then it will be satotory sick pay which is rubbish butfingers crossed as long as 1st isnt a weekend he should be going bacvk to work then YAY .

I cant wait for him to go bck to work because he is driving me up the wall. The last 4 weeks have really dragged. But i am also a bit scared as he has been helping me out with the kids LOADS . Things get too much i just walk out go to the shops or walk the dog or something but when he goes back i cant do that. Buit weird.

I got my appointment from hospital like the last letter it said i couldent go if i was bleeding but it said if i was having a smear test done but i didnt nknow if i was or not , Anyway i checked witb my doc and she said no matter what i need to go tpo this appointment they NEED to see me and chat w ith me about my scan results me thinks she knows what it is ? as she was stressin thatt his is a must bleeding or not. im getting as little scared. Chickem armnt i ? Hopspitals just freak me now .

Chloe is inhwer bed taking some zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . Bless i love spying on her when sheis sleeping she looks so cute i just want to pick her up and give her a big squeeze. Cant though gotta be ssshhhh cant wake her she will get grumpy LOL.

Kylie is sat next to me doing her worksheets barry downloaded for her . Its work a year beghind where children her age are at but she is a little slow due to her birth weight . But she s doing great i am going to slowlybuild it up into harder work through the holidays and see how we go.

Barry has gone over steves YIPPEE to givwe me some peace and time to clean upp without him in the wasy i am stripping sofas and beds today and am uncluttering things get so cluttered so quick. Oh wellsuppose i bertter get to it lots of washing to do and lotso f normal housework too before i even start onb the rest . Hopefully barry will stay up steves for a few hours so i can at least havethe living room andkitchen done.

Anyhoo best get to it hope ur all having a good day xxxx

 

Its just been one of those days today . You know those whereu wish you hadnt bothered to get up?

This morning i got up did  Chloe some brekkie and turnt my computer on. Got myself a glass of coke (naughty i know ) came back went to put the interent on . Wpuld it work ? NO . I reset the hub countless times every light came on except the internet one what a bummer . By the time me and the girls went to the shop when i got bk it was working typical but i wwas pre occupied as barrys bosss hasnt paid hiim. ggrrrr.

I took his work phoneand told him he best call his boss and ask where his wages is . To cut a long story short he refused and i got  mad considering our rent goes out the baank on thursday and i dont want to use the cvredit card to put it there as i do have to pay that off too and to do that i need his wages or at least a cheque. He rekons it will be there by tomorrow buti i dont se the problem with ringing him to check. Wile we were arguing i was getting ready to go citizzens advice and was trygt o ring them but i couldenty hear as all i could hear was barry shouting.

Anyway 5 mins later there is this huge bang , bang , bang on the door i just looked at barruyand said who the hevck is banging my door like that. I opened the door and OMG shock of my life 6 police officers i closed the door behind me pepsi dont like uniformed men . . one of them asked whats been going on?? somebody haa complained about very loud shouting. . I explained it was just a arguement with my partner everything is fine but they wanted yto come in to make saure everyone is ok. and take some notes i told them to go careful while locking the dogs away as if they did biyte them they had been warned

Once tyhey saw barry myself and the firls were fine and unhurt 4 of themleft the woman spoke to mwe in the girls room and the guy spoke to barrry in the kitchen. She just asked questions like what was the arguement over?? girls names and DOB's etc none of it will be passed on and they arnt worried about the girls as they wernt scared shaken or hurt they were happily playing schools.they just need to log the fact we had a heated arguement .

I was advised to take a little walk i told them i would be going citizens advicei was on my way out when they banged the door . They wanted me to go sandwiched between them buti  toldthem i needed to gather some stuff for my appointment and they waited outside until i was out of the house . Barry said they were asking him weird questions like he was beating me up or he wasd going to so i think trhats what they were most wooried about

Cant even shout inmy owen house if that wasnt ad enough i went to citizens advice to be told we could do it at our appointment on the 4th ggrrrr.

Feeling a little stressed today LOL .

Luv Emz xxx

OMG shock never guess what i got in the post this morning ? First off i got a letter from a councillor that deal in loss ,miscarriage etc caroline told me a few weeks ago it would be in august well i got a letter from her today and she can see me on 8th august at 3.15 . So that gives me a councelling session on 4th & 8th brilliant .

Next letter i opened was even better my dr senmt me my appointment at exeter i go on 7th august at 3.15 pm yippee thati s only 12 days that i have to wait YAY . Much better than waiting until the 20th that was just so far away . Im a little scared now but i need to find out what is going on inside my stupid body.

I stopped bleeding today for the whole of 2 hours . How exciting . Well i thought it wa suntill it started again. but hopefully that will be sorted soon . Im going to get my dad to come with me as i havent a clue where to go lmao. It was my dads local hospital for god knows how many years lol.

I have done all my washing most of the housework and made some pastries for the girls and barry they do look so scrummy .

Chloe has been a bit weird today im not quite sure whats wrong with her but something isnt right . She woke up at 5.30 this morning boiling hot she had a temp she was really sleepy at 9am so i put her into bed for a little sleep she slept ofr 30 mins. She woke up in a foul mood threw a paddy and wouldent let anyone near her not even me . She did adventually come round. Also she has had another nose bleed something not quite right there poor thing seems to be getting them alot atthe moment . Hopefully she will be feeling better tomorrow poor little cherub.

Luv Emz xxxx

Well school is over for 7 weeks . Kylie finnished school at 2 . I spent the day cleaning and laying down lol. Ive been feeling pretty rough today . It must be side affect from these iron tablets i get worse around the times i take them. Im sure it will soon pass though.

Kids have already started the arguing and fighting dont u just love kids? Fingers crossed Barry is goingto be going back to work the beginning of next month he has to see the dr on 31st and if he still thinks he has damaged the muscle he has (dont think he has ) tohave an op on his back. Barry has beeen offfor a mnth now and he is beginning to drive me slightly mad lol . He is always in the way .

Tried ringing exeter gynae and councillor today councellor is off until tuesday and all i get up the hospital is constaant ringing so my appointment is who knows when ? I might do some baking tomorrow not sure what yet though.

Buster is getting huge he is half the size of peepsi now maybe bigger lol i will ppost a picture soon he is such a good boy.

OMG why  am i still awake its gone 1am my kids wake up at 6 or little before . maybe i shold go bed soon.

Luv Emz xxx

I dont know if im upset angry or frustrated the most proberly all of them !! ARGH !!! Why cant things just go right for me. ? My stomach is throbbing , i feel really really down in the dumps and i cant stand any more of this bleeding!!!

I rang the doctors this morning to organize a telephone consu;ltation . Though when i put chloe down for a nap i sat here and whilst typing i fell asleep. I woke to a phoonecall which at the time made no sence what so ever i was really confussed it sounded like my mother :( i got scared and hung up . Then i came 2 and realised it was the doctor and rang back. They booked booked me another one i rang back twicwe to maake sure they were calling he finally rang at 5.20 .

He told me i was supposed to see caroline way at lunchtime i said to him i have 2 appointments with her 27th and 4th . He said Emily 27th is a sundayits impossible to have an appointment then she isnt working . So that had me in tears (emotional today) . I SAID TO HIM IM NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SEE HER UNTIL THE 4TH NOW AM I ? I really need this appointment? He said do u have her phone numberso i told him i call her at he surgery and she is only in thursdays so he gave me the number for where she is based so i could call her i did butthey were closed :(

I told him i cant take no more of this bleeding !! I said its making me feel like crap if it wasnt for the fact i do want another child i would be giving myselfa full hysterectomy its upsetting and frustrating me that much! Its been nearly 12 weeks for christ sake how long do i have to bleed for ? So he started to check out what tests have been done then he said aboutthis last blood test. he said im definatly not aneamic so i havent bled TOO MUCH !! My iron is ok but it isnt as high as what it should be its only 16 so he has prescribed me some iron tablets to get that up a bit .

I said yeah ok so what aboutthe bleedfing ? Do i just have to keep puttingup with it? He said an referral was sent on 15th  said yes and i cant attend i am in arguement with him like i told you the other day! Iam getting referred to exeter he said oh yes thats right dr parkin sent a letter on 22nd i said ok. He carries on you are int he loop . By this time i was crying my eyes out struggling to talk . So what your saying iass i just have towait ??? YEP . Just fantastic.       

I shouted at him (i must apologise tomorrow) but i am clotting ihave been for 4 days now and this bleeding has been going on from 12 weeks ago and i cant take no more of it . Im not pregnant i get it now this stupid bleeding can stop !!!! so he prescribed me MORE BLOODY TABLETS . Same as the ones that never worked because he rekonsthey will stop it this time round . and somew other ones that stop clots . He said if it dont stop it wil at least slow it down .

I feel like a walking pharmacy. Just to get througheach day i take tablets to stop bleeding which dont work , anti sicknessto try and give me an appitite which dont work , Anti depressants formy ptsd which hold back a few tears and lessen my anger sometimes. sleeping tablets so that ican fall asleep for a good 4 hours before being woken up by nightmares. , folic acid because we are trying for a baby  not that i ever get sex because im always bleeding, pain relief for the stomach pains .Now he is adding more to it sigh.

After i put the phone down to him a few mins later barry phoned to check if the doctor had phoned me as he knew i was upset. i said yes ive missed a appointment with mycouncillor and my nxt appointment is nxt mnth and as for the bleeding well i have to wait untill my hospital appointment i was crying my heart out he said he was coming home . I said notto worry i would be fine i am better off here on my own but he was home 5 mins later .

Today im just felling so stressed and emtional and i want all this crap over i am so god damn sick of it .

Sorry i will shut the hell up now LOL

Luv Emz xxxx

I went shopping todday to get some stuff to amke some cakes for Kylies classs party at school which i thought was friday so i was going to make them tomorrow night . Dinner time kylie  said to me why havent you made our cakes for the party? I told her its only wednesday they would be funny by friday she saud its the party tomorrow . OMG .

So here i have been all night between minti baking cakes and i still have 2 lots to do . Looks like its going to be a late night tonight ll . Good job i had a nap earlier lol.

Barry's best friewnd ken is staying here tonight and most proberly until friday as thats when his mrs goes to bracknal they have split up. She is playing games with his head not very nice  seems she is 12 weeks pregnant . She wants to hope she dpont come round here though because i will give her a piece of my mind. She has really hurt him and he is a really good friend of ours he is more of a borther . He calls me sis and has beeen there for both me and barry the last 3 months no matter how we have been feeling . Thats a real friend :)

I should get my appointment for exeter gynae tomorrow i just hope it is rather soon as if i havent stopped clotting by tomorrow i am going to be speaking to trhe doctor as i have been clotting now for 3 days but i am so fed up of goingh doctors about it

My sun burn isstill youchy . I wish it would hurry up and go brown lol. I got some shreddies today because the dr said i needfibre but it qwas disgusting and couldent eat it . I was going to have my 1st coke free day today but i saw it in the shop and  thought well 1 more bottle wont hurt maybe tomorrow i will have more success.

Luv Emz xxxx

What is it with my kifd being sick? When Kylie wemt to bed she was to and from the toilet then all of a sudden i hear Kylie scream and crying mummy mummy quick im sorry. I ran to her and OMG shehas diahorea it was all over her bed and on the floor all down her dreessing gown . poor thing so i told her to get the dressing gown off it was all down her legs and everything so i ran her another bath just toget rid of the poe . dried her off she got her PJ's on while i changed her bed .

She was really upset that she had made a mess of her bed and floor i told her it was ok i would clean it up it was only an accident and these things happen sometimes. I toldher she would be staying home with mummy tomorrow and she is happy with that. i have a couple of things to do but she can stay with daddy and chloe and we will have a dvd morning i have chose winnnie and friends for chloe first thing and matilda for kylie afterwards . Barry downloaded them for them..

Lookas like kylie is going to be having her summer holidays a few days early

Luv Emz xxxx

Its been a beautiful day here today i needed to run into town and i left Chloe with daddy as it was too hot to push her around town in the buggy as hereit is full of hills . Torquay was built on 7 hills LOL. I was only a couple of hours but i am as red as a beetroot now. That will teach me for going out in a skirt and vest top . LOL. . Its so sore and barry keepsslapping it meanie isnt he?

When i got back Barry gave me a letter that had come for my from my advocate that is being sent to the hospital it  is very good and i am very pleased with it

Mr ..................................,

Re Emily Fairchild.

Thank you for sending me correspondance relating to ms fairchild. I have discussed the letter from Ms ................................... Dated 15th july with Ms Fairchild who feels that a number of important issues are still not addressed. I am writting to ask that another resoulution meeting is sert up , with myself present , in order that further attemptsd are made to resolve the complaint. Questions which Ms Fairchild would like discussed are as follows.

* Why was ms fairchild kept waiting in A&E before being sent to the nurses station.?

* Why was ms fairchild not made warm and comfprtable?

* Why did the docotor say "Its only a miscarriage"?

* How can it be possible for a gynaecological doctor to not know about the procedure tp follow when a miscarriage haqppens in A&E?

(It gets better )

* What evidence do the trust have  for suggesting that the contents of the jar were the afterbirth? ms fairchild did NOT loose any clots previous to using the comode and distinctly felt the passing of a large clot as described in her letter and suggests this was the foetus. Why were the 'products' not identified when/before they were sent to the laboratory?

* Why was Ms Fairchild told she couldent make a complaint?

* What has been done by the trust to ensure that women who are experiencing a miscarriage are not treated in A&E? What has been done to ensure women loosing their babies through miscarriage are taken to an appropiate place for treatment / delivery?

* What has been done to address the training  needs have been identified for the doctor concerned and has the training been provided?

* What training needs have been identified to the doctor concerned and has the training been provided?

* What has hasppened to the notes made at hte meeting on 16th June by admin

assistant andwhy were the notes not produced from the meeting?

I look forward to hearing from you.

ICAS  advocate.

See what i mean its brilliant.

Went to see the doctor she has sent my referral to exeter hospital YAY. So  should get an appointment next few days . As for my tummy being so huge i am in fact very bloated but she put her very cold thing on my belly and she got me to lie down so she can feel itand she is thinking it is coming from nmy bowels. Why? cos of my rubbish diet i need fibre so she wants me to TRY and eat some banannas not force myself just try. Also she wants me to drink fluids constantly no cafene . If it doesnt get any better in a few days and i have to go back. I told her that i am already taking the prescription thatdocgave me yesterday to stop the bleeding before my gynaecology appointment and she said its ok as she knows it is really getting medown with all this bleeding going on . Oh and she isagoing to get kylie fully assesssed .

Luv Emz xxx

When i got home from thedoctors i rang Karen about hewr letter whch was an appointment for 16th june 2008. Funny enough i got answer machine . I left her a message which proberly made no sense what so ever but still i left her a message to call me asap. She called about an hour later ranting at her about her accussing me of being mad when she is sending me appointmewnts i had likeover a month ago like HELLO .

Apparantly it was a mistake she was about to leavethe hospital to go to the emergency doctors/GUM clinic. So she would send it herself tomorrow i told her to leave it in the office and i would come and collect it TODAY .She agreed that she would print another copy before she left and itwas there  ready for me to pick up .

Just before i was going to leave my advocate called me back. I asked if she has any paperwork from the hospital she has now recieved it all including the letter i pickedup. She reead oit out to me over the phone hereis a copy of the letter .

Dear Emily,

I am writting to you following the meeting on 16th june 2008 with Dr Ranjit (consultant) and Karen (Matron) .. I have tried to cover briefly the main issues in the order that they were discussed.

Firstly you wereunhappy that you had not recieved an apology from the doctor in person for showing you the  specimen jar. MrRanjit explained that we were apologising for the trust on the doctor's behalf. That as discussed in our letter we recognise A&E isnt the ideal place for you to be seen. and the actio0ns that are being taken.

There was a discussion regarding who showed the jar to your partner and there  were discrepancies between your account and the doctors account and we agreed to disagree on this point .

It was explained to you how upset and sorry the docotor was for the anxiety and stress she had causedboth you and your partner.

At this point you started to shout and got very upset and left the room. Karen followed and tried to then discuss with you what it is that would help you to xcope with what has happened.to you? What we could doto try to resolvethis for you ? You stated you had been to ur GP but had not recieved any help. We discussed referring you to a councillor and you agreed you would attend if a referral was made.

Karen made the referral on the 16th june and you should by now have recieved a letter from department of clinical health and psychology offering you an appointment . I do hope that you will take up thisoffer.

If you have any queries please do contact Karen. - Matron.

Well this just like my first letterdoesnent answer any of the questions on my  complaint and my advocate is contacting complaints again to arrange another meeting where they will be questioned on these things. Where is the evidence that i never lost my baby in the hospital /what was inthe specimen ? Wheres the proof it was my afterbirth. Why was i left in the waiting room for an hour while having a moscarriage, ? What punnishment did the doctor recieve toensure thiswould not happen again? What training? Why did the doctor tell me 'its ok its only a miscarriage tocalm me down. ? Why did she give me the specimen? Why didnt she know the correct procedure ? Why didnt she ask for help ?

My advocate believesi deserve the answers to these questions this was mychild that was growing inside me not a bit of trash . I need to know why what happened happened ? Anyway she has wrote me a letter which i should get tomorrow or the next day.

I asked her what i could do because i have cysts on and around my right ovary which is possibly endo i have got an appointment in august with dr ranjit ? She said im to go to my doctor tomorrow and tell her she has told me she is to refer me to exeter as imin disagreement with dr ranjit and one of his gynaecologists and i dont want them touching me after the last time. It is a new law that you can choose where i get treated asslng as its in my county. Exeter is 25 milesaway but its better than seeing him . If i get any problems then i have to ring her and she will sort it out for me .

Luv Emz xxx

Oh my it has been such a long day today i feel so drained.

Lucky for me i got the post before my appointment and in the post i got 2 letters both from the hospital. 1 confirming my appointment in gynae clinic never guess who my appointment is with ? Dr Ranjit. I think NOT he is coming nowhere near me . The other was from Karen . You wouldent believe what i got from her an appointment for a meeting on 16th june 2008 i was fuming . She says im mad thats why she wants me assessed yet she is sendingme appointments for over a month ago. Which by the way this afternoon meand my advocate found very ammusing,

So letters in hand off to my appointment this new doctor well to be honest he couldent be bothered to listen to me. First off i told him i could not go to this appointment as i refuse to see this gy as i am in disagreement with him . He said if i took a seat in the waitingroom he will send a receptionist to explain what i have to do. I said that also on the lettter it states when my appointment comes if i am on my period i will need to rebook myappointment. Seems ive been bleeding the last 11 weeks and no tablets are stopping it the chances are i will still be bleeding then. He said thats fine i wiill prescribe u something for you to take before your appointment. and i said i also need one before the 20th august he said i wont get one as simple as that . He said its a 2 week wait for cancer .

I asked for my tablerts fpor my PTSD and my sleeping tablets as i just wouldent get through tonight without them and i wouldent be able to sleep . He said have you had them before ? Yes . When ? It was a thousand questions lol i told him i have them every 10 days. In the end he prescribed me them. Hesimply wasnt listening to me so i ended it there it seemedf i was wasting my breathe . He told me to wait in the waiting room and he would send a receptionit to see me.

I was only waiting a minute she had a copy of the letter pointed out the number and said i need to call them and rebook it witha differant consultant. I explained to heri  lost my baby and i was treated badly while suffering a miscarriage and it was funny enough a gynaecologist and i dont know her name . I told her the doctor wasnt listening to me i was really upset and was crying she took the form and said she would see whatshecan do . When shereturnedi askedi f dr parkin was in today and shehas called in sick but sheis going to gether to call me forst thing inthemorning and i can comein and have a big talk with herabout it . Which i agreedto .

Well that was my doctors apppointment anyway.

Luv Emz xxx

Well the kids are feeling better today:) they have been so miserable imso glad they are feel;ing better now . Chloe still has some of her anti biotics to finnish and she has to have this cream up her nose to stop it from coming back as this as her second chest infection in just a few weeks poor thing. But she is feeling better and thats the main thing.

I got myself an appointment for the doctors i have to go in at 10.40 i have never ebven heard of this doctor before let alone seen him so hopefully he will look at this further its been 11 weeks now ive had enough . I waited over a month for the scan im not waiting the same to see someone about this its just too long . Barry is going back to work the beginning of august i need to pick myself up by then.

So my letter was apparantly ready to leave karen on thursday apparantly to be sent friday i never recieved it saturday and she guaranteed me it would be in my hand by today thelatest so thar will be very interesting once i recieve it i will call my advocate and see if she has recieved it allso and find out if she has recieved all my information from the hospital yet .

Anyway i better go do some washing and housework and get chloe down for a nap once she has eaten her snack before i go

Luv Emz xxx

Somebody has had a disagreement with their daddy she tried stealing daddys bone  when she went to visit him and he bit her at the side of the face barry has just been to help Jerry fix her up . Poor puppy :( xxx

What the hell is going on with my stupid body now  ?? Today omg my stomach is absolute agony and my stomach is well the size of a beach ball. How can i get so big overnight . I only went to sleep. It wouldent be so bad if i was actually eating to be able to put all this weight on but thats exactly it . Afew ok about 4 tomato and cucumber sandwich minus the crust isnt going to make me gain this muych weight and over night ? Sigh .

How am i supposed to keep on like this for the next month . I will be a mountain by then LOL. As for te pain well i feel likei  have a wrestler in there swinging someone side to side up and down . Im sure im gonna runout of blood soon PLEASE at least that way it will actually stop for a bit . Come tomorrow i have been bleeding for 11 weeks with a few days break here and there . Its really really getting me down .

I cant stop thinking about these cysts the doctor was pretty sure it is endo because f all of the pain and bleeding i am getting. The thing that is upsetting me the most about it all is that they cause infertility . What if i am not able to fall pregnant aain ? Will i ever start to get over what happened? That just totally breaks my heart.

I have a history of PID (Pelvic Inflammitary Disease) 6 weeks before i fell pregnant with Chloe i had an operation where the PID was found my tubes were stuk in my pelvis and the had to be pulled out and unstuck as the tube was very squashed. I was told the chances of me falling again were very slim . This really upset me and consideringi had Kylie it was very hard for me i was due to start IVF treatment at the beginnig of october well that didnt happen as in september of 2005 i fell pregnant so i bviously had to cancel the IVF .

After having Chloe we never ever used any contraception simply because wqe wanted 1 more . Greedy i know . I had another operastion last year as it was thought that my PID was back when this came back clear i promised myself i would never have any more surgery as im only 23 and already i have had 4 operations since the age of 14. But now with everything that has happened do i rethink ? I just dont know anymore i dont even want to go back to gynaecology let alone let them touch me. I just feel like i have let Barry and the girls down so much. Barry really wants top have another baby . But what if i cant give that to him :(

Sorry i just neeed to get that out. xxx

I am absolutly knackered the girls have totally wore me out today. They have had me reading them story after story. Putting on DVD after DVD . In between the housework and cleaning sick and diahorea . We have kylie throwing up everytime she has a tantrum she is sick she didnt have any dinner as i was dishing it up she threw up all over the sofa she got into her PJS as she was covered in puke and she never ate her dinner and i wasnt forcing her lol.

Chloes anti biotics have given her terrible diahorea and i mean TERRIBLE its water and its orange yukky and boy does it stink you know when she has poed if you cant see it trickling down her leg the poor thing you can smell it for sure . With a toddler who is potty training and taking off her nappies once she has poed or at least trying to isnt the easiest . Well ashe took her nappy off when she went for her nap . I will leave it to your imagination what happened there but it wasnt nice thats for sure LOL.

Thats without busters little accidents . Also i am coming down with a cold i am blaming Chloe . Today i have been haing awful tummy cramps no matter how many painkillers i take it doesent ease it. I just want to go to bed and not get up until things are back the way they were like4 months ago . It just seems that everything is non stop at the moment . My head is so full of so much messed up stuff its driving me crazy.

I got rudely awoken this morning at 3am by my mobile. I recieved a text even Barry grumbled at me that must be your friend in austraillia i told him to go back to sleep . All of a sudden all he heard was who does that woman think she is and i started getting real mad. Well it wasnt a text from Aus it was Kylies bloody bad excuse of a mother at bloody 3am in the morning. All it said was 'How is Kylie ? Can you send me a picture sorry its late ' i always get these stupid message at stupid hours of the morning when she  is pissed  and remembers she has a daughter. If your wondering she never got a answer if she wants to talk to me she should try doing it at a decent hour not 3am . After this i couldent go bk to sleep argh.

Anyway im gonna have a sandwich and try and gett some sleep.

Luv Emz xxx

I dfont beliee it . Is it not enough chloe having a chest infection? Yesterdayu Kylie came home from schol played for a bit then just lasid on her bed . She said she was tired and wanted some dinner and wanted to go straight to bed so i said i would put the washing away and i would put the dinner on. She never ate a thing and off to bed she went.

getting ready for bed she was sick . so i got it all cleaned up and got her into her pjs. She called me about midnight and had wet the bed . This morning she wont get up she says she is sick. Just great now i have 2 sick kids . happy weeekends. lol.

I am soooo tired i could so easily go back to bed .Ah well better get on xxx

Can you believe my 12 week old puppy has broke my bed ? Last night 2am after a loooooong chat about everything and the way its making me feel we finally went to bed . Thought we would justcuddle i had taken my sleeping tablets all cozy in bed dogs at the bottom of the bed keeping our feet warm . Then BUSTER just cuddles up around my head as i was telling him to move BANG ???? OOOOOPSIE . We hit the floor . Buster crapped himself and we absolutly cracked up we could do nothing but laughthe other end of the bed was ok so we said we will just sleep that end but we couldent sleep we were just laughiung .

I t was like we were sleeping on a hill LOL . I seriously felt like i was camping on dartmooor. so thertes me 2.30am making a bed up with the sofa cushion good job i have 2 huge sofas lol. made it into a double bed and we camped there the night lol.  Believe it or not i didnt sleep well

Works out the scrrews our end came out so they are nice and tight again so hopefully tonight it will stay together LOL.

I should get my letter from hospitl tomorrow should be interestingto see seems they say its going to be pretty much like my explanation which was a load of rubbish. Not answering any of my complaint at all.

Also today i got a letter from my doctor which she obviously sent before i saw her. anyway i have an appointment in gynae on 20th August (bloodyages yet)  . She confirms this is mainly because there appears to be a cyst on my right ovary and some changes consostant with polycystic ovaries on the right side. Inthe emantime i need to complete these anti biotics to try and kill this infection coming from god knows where .

Hopefully when i go and see Gynae they will at least think about helping me to fall pregnant again and then get rid of the lot cos i really am sick of my body the bleeding and the pain.

Luv Emz xxx

My doctor has a report from my scan and it wasnt clear at all . I have cysts all over my ovaries which explains the pains and the bleeding. They could just be normal ovarian cysts but they think it is endo . She has referred me back to gynae but she has put a note on it that im not to come into contact with the gynae doctor that treated me in A&E. So we will see

Chloe has another chest infection. she she has some anti biotics for that well she has when daddy gets back . She also has some cream to put upher nose to stop it coming back but not until the nose bleeds stop. She saidnot to worry if she dont want to eat just keep giving her fluids. Poor baby girl. :(

It just gets better and better dont it?

Chloe had a rough night last night poor thing has acold again. She woke up at 5am and has been up sonce.She has had a nose bleed in the night too.  She been here most of the time here snuggling and drinking her bottle

Kylie is throwing a tantrum she doesent want her brekfast (nothing new) and she wants her bricks that i conforscated for 24 hors last night. As when she goes to bed she watches a film and once her film is finnished she is to turn the telly off and go to sleep well last ngiht she turnt the telly off and got the bricks out and started building. So now i have them in my cupboard

Hopefully my SIL is going to email me today so me and chloe can go and get my nephew Ollie's birthday presents its his 1st birthday on 20th i cant believe he is 1 already .They are coming down soon:) . My SIL has been fantastic the last few months she really understands unlike her brother LOL . It has brought us even more closer than we were already . She is a fab sister i love her so much .

I gotta go back to the docotors today too. I want to speak to her aabout Kylies learning difficulties and i aslo need to have some more tests done as my blood test results came back yesterday and i have a high blood count so in the last month or so i have picked up some kind of inection . Now they need to try and findo ut where this infection is . They think it could be 1 of 2 things.

It could either mean i have bled so much as its now been nearly 11 weeks and that is a very long time to bleed so itt could have caused an infection. Or after my body chucked the baby out it could have brought my pelvic inflammitary disease back hence the constant bleeding .

But until ive done more rtests and the results are back who knows? But i have been on anti biotics for 3 days now so they should be working now. Anyway better run gotta get kids ready .

Luv Emz xxxx

I went ot Kylie parent evening this afternoon. I told her about my worries with herschool report i asked her out straight was my first question is she hasving learning difficulties ? I t turns out she is finding it extreemly hard. I didnt know weather she knew the situation when kylie was a bub. So i told her kylies mother took an overdose at 28 weeks gestation and Kylie was boern weighing only 2Ib 13 oz . She said that it is proberly because she was such a tiny baby its taking her longer to catch up and it can take years.

I told her what problems im having with Kylie at home and that i feel both her learnig and her behaviour is what i would expect from a 3 year old and she totally aqgrees with me. I told her i think Kylie should be assessed and she said there was no need as they know she is going to need special needs although i can still ask advice from my doctor .

She is going to speak to Kylies new teacherr and speak to the special needs teacher for her to help her in year 1 as they dont get special needs until they reach year 1 in reception they just give them extra support. She said it could take her years to catch up becaiuse she was so small.

When i got home i spoke to kylie and asked her if she is finding school too hard. ?? She said yes so i asked her why she is finding it so hard ? What is the problem? She said she cant do her words its really haard . So i told her it was ok for her to find things hard and she can always talk to me about it. I also told her that when she goes to her new class she was going to also have a special teacher that is going to help her learn her words. She said she would like that so thats great.

Right now i really could kill her mother for this . Its herr fault she is suffering and that makes me so angry.  She is very lucky she lives 200 miles away else i woulkd be paying her a visit.

Luv Emz xxx

I dont feel as bad tonight as whati did this morning . I am just so fed up with everything i had a little outburst i am sorry i have been a total cow today . Ive been mean to barry all day shouldent really it isnt his fault but he was picking at me . When i took Kylie into school i made an appointment to discuss Kylies school report . I have to go in tomorrow at 3.30.

Just after i got back Jaydee (llmunchkin's son) rang to speak to Chloe it was so very cute . She was waffling away to him since she had been running round all day saying stickers whiich she actually calls dickers haha . As Jaydee was telling her about his stickers . She really loved speaking to him. :) Thank you Lui for letting him call her you made my girl a very happy girl this morning. :)

I rang my advocator but she was out of the building but she called me back as soon as she got back . I told her about the secretary saying she didnt know what was going on with my letter yet the whole reason Dr Ranjit gave me for her being present in the meeting was because she was going to be the one drafting my letter.

She told me she doesent think it is yet written as she wrote on 8th stating tothe manager of complaints that she wants a copy of every single letter along wioth my permission for her to have them but she hasnt heard a thing back as of yet.

I told heri know for a fact it hasnt been written and told her aboutmy conversation with Karen and i told her about the appointment with the phychologist and thats why i havent yet recieved my letter and she hasnyt yet done it because my head is the most important thing . I told her she upset me and made me feel like i wwas to blame because when she told me that this letter will be pretty much like the last letter and that we agree to disagree and in return tothis i said if that is the caseKaren i will be taking this further as i am far from happy about the way this has been dealt with and she told me that if i do then all contact between us will be cut. bearing in mind there was hardily any contact in these 2 and a half months .

So anyway cut a long conversation short she told me NOT to stress none of this is my fault i am the innocent one in all of this. I was treated badly. I made a complaint . There has been lack of communication . My complaint hasnt been dealt with . All they have actually done is judge my mental health that is totally seperate so once this letter arrives we will say im not happy wqith it and take it further as it hasnt been dealt with if the letter isnt here and all other info to my advocator by thursday she will write again and follow it upp by phone monday so there im not to stress it is nt my fault.

So i took chloe to the park to take my mind off of things :) We had a lovely time here are some pictures of her playing on the park.

Luv Emz xxx

This morning i feel so miserable im really quite upset by my scan at the hospital yesterday . I was really expecting some answers and to get no answers at all was just totally gutting/ So now i have been bleeding for 10 weeks and for no reason at all. Just doesent make sense. I wanted to know what was going on but instead i know nothing its so disappointing.

Was great that i got a letter to have an assessment  with a phychologist BUT now ive read it properly it also states it is a month wait before i will get a assessment. I could be totally mad by then.

Im going to be emailing / ring my advocate to tell her about my letter and about dr ranjits secretary sitting on in my meeting apparantly so she can write what happened during the meeting in a letter to me a month later i stilll have no letter the secretary knows nothing about it and karen rekons she will have it done by the end of the week.So i really would love to know why there was 3 of them up against me when the secretary has nothing to do with my case i would love to know why she wasthere as she isnt going to be writting no letter.

My blood test results will be back tomorrow so they will hopefully come back normal i just hope this bleeding stops soon because i am so sick of it im on the verge of asking for some sort of help falling pregnant how with this blleeding i dont know and i doubt is possible but i want a hysterectomy ive totally had it this bleeding is driving me nuts and i really cant take no more ofit.

Sorry not a very happy blog today but im not feeling very happy

Luv Upset Emz xxx

WOW i am so exhausted it has been one hell of a day . Im upset , Angry and above all FRUSTRATED!!!! First off heres that pic i promised days of chloe in her new dress so very cute well i think so anyway but i think she looks cute no matter what she wears LOL. You will have to excuse the fluffed up hair as she had only just got up from her cat nap.

Sorry she is my hero its her that kept me on top today i love her so much!!!!!

Anyway so this morning i got a bit of a shock Kylie has sports day and it starts at 10am utoh my scan wass for 9.45 so it was one or the other and of course i didnt want to miss her first ever sports day. Also i didnt want to miss my scan as i was dying for answers to whats going on with me . Soo i ran home woke Barry up and told him he needed to get up it was 9.15 and he needed to be there at 10 and said i had to go he better get up before i leave as he was meant to look after chloe but cos he had to go up the school he wanted me to take her with me. So i packed her a bag and off we went.

By the time i left i was shaking i was so  scared i got to the hospital atthe maternity doors i stood there right up until my appointment. . I went up to reception and said i had an appointment for a scan in the EPU to my devastation it was actually in ante natal . It was horrible . There were 4 preg mummies in the waiting room it was likethey were all starring at me wondering were my bump was:( . Just to top it off in the waiting room there was a tv both in front of me aand behind me which had a dvd playing taking care of your unborn baby showing preg women doing exercising and things u casn buy for when baby comes I was playing with chloe trying my best to ignore it :( Finally 10am the lady came and got me. Finally i thought 5more mins this will be over. How wrong was i ?

She did the ultra sound she had this area looking really carefully and she measured something . I aksed what it was it was my uterus she told me she needs me to relax so  i left her to it. She did a proper job too she even had me laid on my sides . She said its not very clear so she asked me to go and empty my bladder and she would like to do an internal so dressed it was and off to the toilet.. I couldent go ssshhhh dont tell will ya? 

Again she had a thorough look she evenput her glasses on this time she double checked my ovaries , kidneys well everything . Guess what they found ??? sweet F.A . No remains of poor baby angel THANK GOD  no explanation for all this bleeding no answers what so ever :( :( :( :( :( . She said she will send a report back to my doctor . All i could say was gutting and i just walked out and burst into tears as soon as i left the room. Its just so dissapointing. 

I was mad , frustrated , upset and angry all at once i saw dr Ranjits office ahead of me and i thought well no time like the present my day cant get much worse surely? I was banging on his door but no answer there was a door oppisite with office staff so i knocked and asked wherre i could find him? She said ask hissecretary next door bonus . (This is the lady that sat in on the meeting.) She knew whati was there for she immediatly said i dont know anything yet Dr Ranjit is on leave at the moment . Do these people ever work? 

I told her she was there she heard him say it would be 1 week but that was 4 weeks ago so looks like its being brushed under the carpet again in hope that i will just go away. I toldher the hospityal make me SICK and told her to tell him im looking for him  and i want my letter. 

So back to te oother office and i knocked again and said do u know whaere i can find Karen Macmahon she buzzed her on her pager with no answer which apparantly meant she could be at the dr surgery in town. She asked if shew could have mynumber and she would get her to call me. I told her Karen isnt very good at returning calls and when questioned she will say she called but i was out when i had been in all day , I told her this isnt something that i havent been waiting long for its been 10 weeks 4 weeks ive waited for a letter when i told her what happened she was disgusted took my name and nu mber and told me to take a seat for a min to se if karen answers the buzz she did she was in a meeting and said she would call me after it should be over by noon, She guaranteed me she was going to call. 

I got out of there at 10.40 am 20 mins before Kylies sports day ended . I couldent miss it she was expecting me there i had to go. I got there 7 minsbefore the end and i got to see her do the last 2 races you should have seen her face when she saw me she was showing all her friends i was there LOL . She was over the moon, at the end i told her i was sorry i couldent come earlier but i had to go up the hospital. She gave me a big hug and a kiss so i think i am forgiven . 

Kylie & Jessica. 

 

Chloe helping Kylie onto the right team LOL. Hehe because they are in her class she thought she had to stand with them but Kylie was on Chloe team so she came and got her.

Kylie and john they spent most of the time together.

WOO HOO i believe kylies team came 1st in this one good on them.

kylie taking a trip to umm the floor LOL .

No laughing i was hot and im no good at faking to smile. LOL. But i was proud of her and she had to know it !!

I came home called the doctor and she fitted me in this afternoon. I put the phone down and it rang again. It was Karen Macmahon. I will be damned she knowshow to return a call and in a matter of like and hour and a half i am very impressed she is improoving. Sorry you will have to excuse my saracasm but theyannoy me somuch. She said today ive recieved a letter that the phychologist has sent you offering you an appointment for an assessment with a clinical phychologist. . I said well i havent recieved one but i have now. I knew what she was trying to do so i said anyway what happened to this letter you were meant to be sending me a month ago ??????? She said she wanted this referral first as getting my head straight is the most important thing. Cut a long arguement short the letter asnt even been written yet , She is apparantly going to have it typed signed and to me by the end of the week. That i will believe when i see it.. She said its going to be alot like my last letter of rubbish and that most things were disagreed on.

The thing is dr ranjits secretary sat in the meeting only because shhe would be drafting my letter i wwas meant to recieve 4 weeks ago . So why exactly was she there? Karen kept going on about how me seeing a phychologist is the most important thing at the moment but i did tell her that if it is anythnig like the last letter and its all going to be us disagreeing i will be taking it even further . She told me if i do i will have no more contact fromher  not that she contacts me nowanyway.

Got kylie dropped her home and went to my appointment . She asked how i was doing and my reply was not good. She said she wrote a letter to the councellor telling her to fix me some appoiuntments so i told her i have an appointment 27th and 7th august and ive also got a referral from the hospital for a phycologist . I told her i am still bleeding with bad period pains and that i had my scan today and all they can see is liquid which will be blood which means i still have a fair bit to come :*( . So she got me to go and have a blood test to check my thyroid , iron and such like because ive been bleeding for 10 weeks now . We chatted about how my diet is getting to me so she prescribed me a differant anti sickness to see if that does the trick . Im just so fed up wheres my hole ??? LOL.

Sorry this is so long but i am so angry upset and frustrated i want to SCREAM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luv Emz xxx

Is t too late to bottle it? i got my scan on monday. Can you see me shaking ?? Sounds stupid really. Whats a bit of jelly on my stomach and rubbing it a bit?? Yet i am absaolutly petrified. Barry said he would come with me but now i would prefer if he just watched Chloe.  He will make me worse. I really dont want to go at all. I know i need to go i need to find out why i cant stop bleeding without medication to stop it and even with that i am still bleeding. Its just going back to the hospital back to the pregnancy unit. . Just the thought of it scares me.

I didnt get much sleep last night i must have got about an hour i was thinknig about kylies school report. I was so grouchy this morning at lunchtime i ended up going back to bed . I didnt get back up until 4pm .I did need it though i feel so drained at the moment . Nobody was home. I looked out the living room window and they were over at the park . So i enjoyed the peace they didnt come home until 4.30 so i got to finnish my housework before they got home.

I was meant to go to my aunties birthday party tonight but i emailed her yesterday to tell her i wasnt going its in exeter which is like 20 miles away and im not really in no mood to go partying but i hope she had a lovely time my dad went so he will proberly be over tomorrow.

Luv Emz xxx

Or did it do more damage than it was first thought? As manyy of you know Kylie isnt my daughter naturally. When Kylie was born it wasnt because her mother was in labour it was a matter of getting her out before it was too late . She was born with paracetamol and anti depressants inside her . She was lucky to survive. She was born at 2 Ib 13 oz . She was n intensive care and it was thought she would not stay alive for 24 hours. But she is a strong cookie and she pulled through. She was intensive care for 3 months all in all . When she could finally go home. Barry had to go to court to get a residence order. Can yopu believe that the childs father the mother had moths before told the hospital that yet without entering the court he couldent take his own daughter home. She was the tiniestt thing i had ever seen.

But why all this ? Kylie was born through Csection her mother was 7 months pregnant when she decided she didnt want her child. Barry didnt even know for sure she was pregnant the only clue he had was her period was way overdue and getting fat but she wouldent do a test. So she was 28 weks confirmed but an emergency scan. After she took a packet of anti depressants and a bottle of paracetamol and took a 24 hour walk . She was found walking in the road bareffoted miles away. Barry had to make a big decision. If it came to the crunch and only 1 of them could be saved which would he prefer they save. Of course he chose Kylie who wouldent? Her mother was sectioned to a mental instutution. she spent the first 6 months of kylies life there .

4 weeks of her being home barry met this woman andi (she was a bitch) we didnt get along very much so i usually visited when she was at work. She was a nurse. She kindo f took over kylie barry wasnt allowed toso anything with her. She wasnt allowed tosee her mother WTF??? . Anyway Barry took my advioce adventually and left her. She kept all of kylies stuff and wouldent return it . She demanded to have mothers rights . Reported barry to social services police all sorts kylie had nothing .

Barry and Kylie were rehoused into a family hostel where i later moved in with them . Kylie barely saw her mother . Whe n she did she would come bakc hungry and dirty and often cut and bruised.

Adventually we movbed to devon as i needed to escape my family my step father wasnt a very nice person and i didnt want kylie brought uparound that. In the last 4 years her mother has visited 3 times . Never alone always with friends. Her last visit she took kylie to the rainbow house for the whole of 2 hours 2 hours is all she got to replace the last 12 months. She cameback i looked ut my kitchen window and i pointeed oiut to myit  friend becky swhe had downed 2 cans of beer . She practically ignored her all day .When it came to bath time she put her in 2 cold baths and i mean freezen cold kylie was 23 years old 2 years on she still remembers like it was yesterday. She has messed her head up alot in trhe last 3 and a half years we have lived here now she doesent have any contact with her .

Ive had alot of behaviour probllems with Kylie bringing kylie up has been a constant battle . I aways thought she was doing well at school . U ntil yesterday seems she is struggling inb alot of areas im left wondering if all this has effected her brain i know it sounds razy but i just dont know anymore

Anyway i will stop rambling on i just think its too much of a coincidence she is strugling so muvch in school. Anyway i better go Kylie wants cbeebies website on .

Luv Emz xxx

Got Kylies school report today. Not really pleased in fact when i read it i cried. What i had been dreading . Kylie is struggling at school. I hope she wants to be an artist as that is the only thing she is good at at the moment :( . It states Kylie has made plenty of friends since she sarted this school earlier this year. She is developing her self help skills but still need support in getting changed for PE and putting on aprons?? She shows interest in classroom activities . Sometimes she looses her concentration very quickly and often needs directing onto another task. At times kylie finds it difficult to express herself clearly. she has good ideas but needs to develop her vocabulary to express herself.Kylie is trying hard to develop her sounds this year but does find it very difficult to hear the sound in theword. She has enjoyed a range of games to develop her awareness of sounds. Kylie is very interested inb books and is beginning to understand print conmveys meaning. Kylie sometimes needs support with her writting?

Kylie can count to 10? ad is developing the skill of counting everyday objects with 1 to 1 correspondence. Kylie enjoys mathematic games on the pc. Kylie shows curriosity and is interested in exploring her surroundings she has learnt about how plants grow and what they need to survive. She is fascinated on the growth of her plant and checks it on a daily basis . Kylie loves the art program and can use it by herself with little support. Kylie absolutly loves making models and pictureswithin the design and technology area , which sahe does as much as possible.

Kylie is developing her confidence in PE . She sometimes would rather observe than join in , ecspecvially when it comes to indoor activities. Yet she loves hockey and football. She also loves riding the trikes and climbing on the kids kingdom.

Kylies fine motor skills are also improoving  she is beginning to use scisssors safely and can cut independently. She loves manipulating playdough and often makes something to show the rest of the class.

Kylie has enjoyed all aspects of creative development particalary art.Kylie has loved exploring differantpainting and printing techniques. She has a good sense of olour and can colour mix with some support in all areas of art kylie sustains a high level of involvement, Kylie enjoys participating in roleplay areas which have helped her yto develop her social skills.

Overall comments . Kylie has been a pleasure to teach . She is a happy child who enjoys manty aspects of learning . Good luck to her in year 1. headteacher says Kylie needs to work hard in all subjects next year.

All the boxes are ticked for working towards the early learnng goal. I will be seeing her teacher on the 16th to find out why this was not brought to my attention sooner ,.

Without getting my head bitten off. LOL . Barry is sick. He has spent the day throwing up and rolling in pain . The doctor gave him some anti flammitaries and painkillers for his shoulder yesterday he had to give him one because the other is going to upset his stomach ulcer. Well it has effected his ulcer so ive taken them off him and flushed them. LOL.Back to ibupbrofen for him,

He hasnt yet guessed why i am upset with him!! You  would think after everything thats happened he would tell me that his best mates girlfriend is pregnant, He doesent know i know i overheard him saying congrats to ken on the phone and the ni heard him telling my next door neighbour when i was in the kitchen doing the dishes, This was like 8 hours ago so i guess i just have to find out from clare or kenny when they have the guts to come out with it . I am not going to bite their heads off. I am just so annoyed he didnt bother to tel me or weven waarn me before kenny arrived . He really doesent understand . I didnt think it would upset me this much my mate being pregnant right now selfish i know . I do feel really selfish but i cant help the way i feel.

Anyway me and Chloe went shopping today:) . I brought her 2 pairs of PJ's  1 pair of noddy and the other princesses party with chaangable dresses on princess 1 is 2-3 years so she can grow into it :) I also got her a jean dungaree dress which BTW looks absolutly beautiful on her i took a photo of her earlier i will upload it tomorrow i need to charge the camera.I got her a pair of jeans too she was knackered by the time we got home bless her.

Luv Emz xxx

I dont believe it gone midnight and cleaning up paint. Not quite sure which animal did it . I know it isnt buster as he isnt big enough  to get up in the window where the paint was !!!!!! Luckily i just went in the bedroom to sort out the washing and take the socks off trhe radiator to discover a pink floor , oh dear a pink pool cue case , barryus work bag is pink , my bed is pink all beside my bed is pink  the chest of drawers are pink its absolutly everywhere. I am so very mad rigt now . I have managed to clean most of it up but im going to have loads of scrubbing to do tomorrow. . Just great . ARGH . why oh why ?

Those tablets i got from the doctor are absolutly useless i tried eating chargrill chicken and chips for dinner had a tiny bit of chicken and a few chips and threw up. GREAT . So back to the tomato and cucumber sandwiches it is LOL.

When it finally stops raining we are going to get Chloe somepink scales . To hopefully kill her fear of them bless her . She is so scared of them when i took her to get weighed she wasnt getting on them for nothing dolly got weighed but not Chloe LOL.

Caroline the councellor from my doctors called me today to  say she saw that i had a appointment with her on 7th aug and that she azlso had a letter from my doctor saying i need to see her until this other councellor that is on leave at the moment can see me in august so untill then because my doctor said i am struggling at the moment and i told her that that last councellor told me i have to forgive the doctor that did this and i told her i just cant do thast . So she has also booked me in for the 27th and i can also keep my appointment on the 7th and by then i should be seeing thism,iscarriage councellor . So thats a bit of a relief i dont feel so mad now.

Girls had their jabs yesterday and today Chloe has been dead  grouchy and spent a majority of the day on the couch with her cuddly and milk thats all she has drank today constantly drinking milk and all i have managed to get her to eat today is a rusk and a piece of toast poor little angel.

It was meant to be Kylies sports day on the 14th but when i picked he up from school they saidits been cancelled due to all the rain its just too wet and boggy for the klids and they cant expect them to run in the rain LOL :( but they are going to reschedule it.

Luv Emz xxx

Well Barry went back to the doctors yesterday and he has given him another 2 weeks off and he has to go to this accupuncture to see if that helps his back, So now this is a month he has had off work. So this morning he rang his boss and said to him he needs to know if he is being paid as either way we still have bills and rent to pay. His boss told him he would be getting paid he asked if it woulf be SSP or full pay and his answer was we are paying you . So i guess we will ust have to wait and see what happens at the end of the month.

But justin case i will warn RH in case he doesent get full pay as they take our rent out direct debit now and i dont want them taking it if it isnt going to be there they dont takeit untill 31st and he gets paid on 28th and then if they domnt pay him i can stop them taking the rent for the moment .

Girls had their jabs :(:( . Kylie went first it made sense doing oldest first . I was really worried about hers as i have never took her for an injection and i looked in her book this morning and she hasnt had a jab since she was 4 months old. OMG!! So as the pre school has the 2nd mmr in it she has to do it in 2 lots as she hasnt had the 1st mmr yet so she had that and her preschool and she has to go back in 3 months for the 2nd mmr . She was really brave i prepared her for 1 and she had 2 and shje never even cried she just squeezed me. Absolutly fantastic although tonight she has a bit of a temp but hopefully that will be down by morning ,

Chloe on the other hand i wasnt worried about as last month she never even cried she just sat and had it done this time though totally differant story . First leg she was ok for a few seconds then screamed it was out though before she got her hands free,  Then was for the other leg omg she absolutly screamed she struggled to get away and the nurse had hold of her leg and i had her arms but she managed to move her leg and she could just about touch the nedle and luckily it only just scraped her poor little thing she has a bit of a scratch there now but nothing to write home about. She seems ok she was very grumpy before bed and wanted her cot so she is in her cot tonight but im hoping both girls will be fine tomorrow.

Luv Emz xxx

No wonder i havent yet heard from the hospital im going to recieve a letter all about my emotions and that they are going to get me help according to my advocate we now have to wait a few days for letters to get to the right places . I told her he made me feel as tthough his doctors mistake was my fault because they lack gyneacologists .

I told her they admit i was given back my foetus although it didnt have any live parts . (apparantly) . Although they denie her saying 'its ok its only a miscarriage. Well obviously to me it wasnt just a miscarriage this has turnt my world upside down, I told her they were asking if i had ever made mistakes before and comparing themto her mistake and she told me yes hse made a mistake and it was NOT my fault and when a mistake is made the person who makes the mistake pays for their mistake.

So i wait for this letter in hopefully a few days and then we can start taking this even further as my complaint has NOT  been addressed its all to do with my emotions and that is rubbish also bringing this up in a meeting and having a room made for miscarrying mothers is not enough for what i am being put through bythe hospital.

So we will see manager of the hospital is getting on to Karen McMahom about my letter i should have recieved over a week ago at least and  boytth i and my advocate will get a copy.

Luv Emz xxx

So today i took Chloe to get weighed hmm or not get weighed shall i say!! She blankly refused to go on them. She very happily weighed a baby but would she get on them scales herself no way she wouldent sit or even stand . She told me i should go back in 2 weeks and try again. She said there is nothing she can do there is no point in forcing her as we dont want to scare her anymore . LOL . She tried doing her height to see if she liked that one . She was game enough to stand on the little feet but as she started bringing in down on the top of her head it freaked her out a bit and she ran into my arms . Bless her she is a funny little thing. But she did say that her weight does lok absolutly fine she is nowhere under weight she looks very healthy , happpy and very vocal she said her speech is brilliant seems she has just turned 2.

The girls didnt have their jabs haha its tomorrrow i am such a idiot good job i checked the date on the com,puter else i would have picked kylie up early and all sorts hehe. But thats cool because i took Kylie along to my appointment as she is really scared about hewr injection so  i suggested she asked my doctor what happens when she has her injection in a sense that she wouldent be so scared. She did do quite a good job actually  she told her she could either have it in her bum or her leg leg. She said she would like it in her leg. She would need o pull only her trousers down so nobody will see her bum (something she was worried about) she will sit on mummy cuddle mummy and count to 5 aand i promise by the time you get to 5 it will all be over all you will feel is a tiny scratchy like when your puppy nips you. Then she can have a sticker . It did work Kylie is feeling a bit better about it and is now going to be brave.

Me on the other hand was pretty much a waste of time. I told he all tjhis bleeding is really getting me down and making me feel really crap i have had enough of it its been 2 months and if i see any more blood i am going to go crazy im sick of it. So she said if it is effecting me that much as it has now been 2 months and it is a long time to bleed. She has given me some tablets to hopefully stop the bleeding over the next week. At least that will keep me going until my scan on 14th which i am really not looking forward too if only you could get a scan at the doctors lol. If not after this scan so we can get everything ruled out and i am still bleeding they will doanother blood test to check if im aeneamic again.

As for the eating thing she thinks the reason i have lost my appetite because of the stress and depression thing which she doesent think is going to go away any time soon. She weighed me and cos im 52.1 and was only 54.2 3 months ago she isnt worried about it . So instead she has gave me some anti sickness differant to the last one they tried and then apparantly i might not feel      sickand vomit i i eat or even smell food other than the obvious.

She said it really isnt looking good and wants me to see her the day after my scan to see where to go from here with a bit of hope the scan gives us some answeers. I dont know i give up . bSleeping tablets have stopped working imup til gone 1am every nght i went to bed at midnight last night and i was up at 4.30. Anti depressants stop me from crying and make me bottle things up they dont me feel any better . I juast feel like i am taking all these tablets and not even sure any of this is going to work :(

Luv Emz xxx

PERVERT!!!!!

My puppy is a pervert i just went to stroke him and what do i find my bloody  knickers and my bra in his mouth gggrrrrr. He got them out the washing. I have to hide underwear from him because he chews them he is only 11 weeks old. So i have now put my bra on him he has spent the last half hour maybe more running round trying to get the bra off hahahahahahaha i may put him out of his misery and take it off but he can try a biut longer first heghehehe.

Luv Emz xxx

Im all alone its lovely and peaceful here. Oh i have forgotton what it feels like. LOL. For the last 2 and a half weeks that Barry has been off work he has been driving me nuts. Carl has just picked him up though and he has gone with Carl to take his and Sues foster son back to his father . He is constantly running away and causingthem so much trouble its crazy . Anyway its a 3 hour drive away but at least Sue will get a good nights sleep tonight not having to worry where her nephew / foster son is . What drugs he is taking and what he is drinking. He goes out returns days later and says sorry i got drunk. He is 15 years old . Teenagers.

YAY monday tomorrow i cant wait Kylie goes to school in themorning thisweekend she has drove me absolutly crazy. Everything has to be about her it does my head in there is more people in this family other than Kylie . Though she doesent seem to think so . I had a 3 hour wobbly this morning from Kylie because she wanted to go to the park bearing in mind it was absolutly hammeringi t down with rain alsso she wanted to go in a skirt. I told her the park was wet so she will have to wait for a dry day and she isnt going out in the rain in a skirt . 3 hours she was screaming for and everytime i spoke to chloe she would shout at me 'its not fair on me ' . LOL.

Tomorrow the girls have their jabs tomorrow afternoon. Chloe didnt even cry last time but she has to have 2 this time so hopefully she will react just as well as last time. On the other hand Kylies i am NOT looking forward to it at all. She knows she is having it but she say  sheisnt going to be brave and is going to scream:( . So i have a child that is scared of the jab that i have never got jabbed before :( Kylie hasnt had an imunisation since she was 12 months old . I never tok her on properly until she was 13 months old so i dont have a clue how she is going to react to it. I know what to expect from Chloe as im used to it but Kylie i m not.

I need to see the doctor too . 7th augustis just such a long time to wait for some more councelling that isnt even goig to help me she has already told me she isnt experienced to deal wth my problem .Also this bleeding needs sorting out it is driving me up the wall . I wish they would just stop it. somehow. How many periods can u have in a ,month?? seriouly its stupid bleed stop for a few days and what do u know it bloody return AGAIN ARGH . If that isnt enough my diet is doing my head in all i can eat without throwing my guts up or being able to eat it is tomato and cucumber sandwiches yeah ok so its healthy enough but that is all i ever eat . Knowing thaty you would think i would either stay the same weight or loose some but no not me im putting it on . I dont   get it. I think i really need to talk ot the doctor tomorow .

Might try and get an early night tonight seems im home all alone. But then again i might not because i will be jumping to every noise i hear . LOL . Im a right chicken slightest noise and i have barry checking the windows and doors.

I will get Chloe weighed tomorrow afternoon at baby clinic to shut the health visitor up moaning.I bet she weighs loads i havent had her weighed for a year nowi havent neeeded too. Anyway i will stop moaning LOL

Luv Emz xxx

My body and its bleeding i mea is really getting stupid now. Its really getting me down. Since i had my miscarriage 6/5 i think i have gon around 10 days that i havent bled. I had a proper period 25/6  and believe me it wa a proper one the cramps omg i stopped bleding on wednesday now come friday i am bleeding again grrr. What is wrong with my stupid body. I really have had enough of it. I will be going to talk to my dr on monday . Its been 8 weeks it has rto stop soon.

Health visitor rang today she wanted to do Chloes 2 year check i was about to go into town so i had to tell barry to forgetit i will have to stay home as the health visitor wanted to come TODAY. Chloe didnt like her very much. Neither did i to be honest . Anyway i h ave to start taking Chle to toddler groups bit hard when my confidence and self esteem has gone totally down hill. Chloe got some new boos she loves them. She tried to weigh chloe but she sat down for a minute and then jumpedo ff and wouldent go back on so i have to take her to baby clinic. She kept asking how i was coping when barry is at work i told her i am just fine, She was asking stupid questions like can she count does she know her alphebet . Give me a break she was only 2 last week.. I told her she can say around 50 words and her biggest sentence is 'i love you' . She said i should put chloes hair up more often as its bushy but why shiuld i she has beautiful longish curly hair why should i tie it back because she wants me too? ggrrr.

My computer is the most powerful its been all week ive suddenly got nearly 6 meg YAY that is much better not as much as it should be but its enough lol. Engineer is coming out again monday they have been playibf with the line today so who knows?

Luv Emz xxx

 

Silly me i have been in a silly mood all day i accidently took an extra tablet . I usually ake them after taking kylie to school but today i took it with y cuppa when i got up. Took Kylie to school came back and took it again. Then come lunchtime it clicked i had taken my tablet twice.I am so stupid!!

Got alot of washing and washing done today. So hopefully the weekend i will just be able to relax well i can wish LOL . This week has been so busy we have cleared out the spare room , made it into chloes bedroom moved Kylies bedroom round to suit her , changed ourr oom around and put barrys computer inthere and i am bit by bit cleaningout every room every cupboard and every corner, It is getting there slowly,

I didnt get to bed until 1am agaion last night but naughty me over slept i never heard my alarm and chloe woke me up calling me at 7.45 this morning . I guess the extra tablet worked LOL i just didnt hear my alarm,

Me and Chloe are going into town tomorrow to spend the rest of her birthday money. Barry has physio at 11.30 so he is going to drop me off before he goes and hopefully when im finnished he will be finnished too so he can pixk me up. Chloei s still doing really well in her bed her cot is no longer in her room so she couldent climb in it she sat in her bded reading her books forabout an hour and then she called for some juice and went to sleep.

Funny enough hospital still havent got back to me  but my advocate will be calling me tomorrow hopefully  dont miss her call again. She sentme a letter today saying she tried contacting me but i was out oopsie .

Luv Emz xxx

 Why is it you get right on top of the washing you get usedto doing just 1 wash every day then all of a sudden BANG the washing pile is full again . I hate Barry sweating he sweats so much and i just went in asat on the bed and eww its soaked so off it all comes even the quilt and chloes nappy leaked last night so her bed is wet too . Thank goodness for that plastic sheet, So while im at it i may as well do Kylies too.

Got up late this morning Kylie had a shocker when i siad quick eat your brekfast else we will be late for school and i really meant it it was like 7.45 utoh good job chloe woke me up. She sits in her bed and shouts me its so cute. She is doing so well in her bed . Even though she snuck into her cot last night andi  had to put her back inher bed i had much more problems getting Kylie into her bed.

Anyway lots of housework to do and an internet connection to fix ggrrr then i can post this does my head in they best sortthis barry is goingto ring BT now,

Luv Emz xxx

I am so tired i really could do with a decent night sleep . Kylie woke me up to tell me she needed the toilet at 4.30ish and after that i couldent get back to sleep. Chloe too was very tired i could not stop her from napping today she hadnt napped for 2 days . We have been moving everyting about  because of this internet problem and the girls having their own rooms now they are absolutly loving it.

Chloe is doing really well in her bed now we have only done it 3 nights so it is early days but last night she played up quite alot i was chasing her for a few hours in the end i was so tired i ended up putting her in the cot. I wentin there tonight cos i could hear her and it didnt come from her bed. Where is she ? In her cot ? How i will never know she was sat there reading a book looking at me all cheeky.so i got her out put her bk in bed wth her books i told her to get bk into bed another time i went in 5 mins later and she was out for the count bless her. She is doing so well.

Buster isnt talking to me as i really shouted at him because he pooped on my sofa. GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR. He has been in his bed since sulking . Well i am peeved i have a really sore eye it has been hurting since monday morning barry wokw me up at 4.45 with a punch in the eye. Nice huh? Also the engineer came to fix my internet today and his laptop came bk recieving 7 and a half gig yet im not even getting 1 therefore it has to be barrys computer or the homehub . But we have jerry's spare homehub and its plugged straight to my computer and its still stupidly slow its hard just to get a connection. Barry is going to ring BT again tomorrow and sort it out . Stupid thing.

Anyway im gonna take my tablets abd hopefukky i will soon be asleep.

Luv Emz xxx

Its really beginning to annoy me . This connection is SOOOO very slow . I cant get a connection at all on my computer so today we had to move Barrys computer into our bedroom today so here i am . Slow as hell but i have the engineer coming between 1 and 6 tomorrow its been taking like an hour to lod each page now mine isnt working at all but in here this seems to work just alot slower than usual and what im used to i  am used to press the button away you go none of this waiting rubbish .

Im fed up with waiting for my letter about that meeting at the hospital she was meant to get back to me that week that was weeks ago now . So i will be ringing Karen tomorrow to find out what is goin on there. ICAS are calling me on 5th so my advocate can discuss my complaint more with me and advise me what i am to do about Dr Ranjit calling me a liar and refusing to let me proove it, as  i do have proof and i am not backing down from this i want a bloody apology from that stupid woman .

I had a chat with my doctor today though and i just had t ask her what that dr wrote on Chloe's records and it is nothing bad at all i was just over reacting stupid me it just says Chloe was very quiet so it was worth her seein the health visitor to check on the nappy rash and oral thrush . She asked about my mental health and i told her i have been non stop cleaning and still not sleeping even takingthese sleeping tablets it takes hours for me to fall asleep and at 1am i am cleaning . So she has put the sleeping tablets up to see if that helps as barry is home if i cant wake up to the girls andi have to go back to her in a few days . I told her that councellor i saw told me to go to that meeting and say i forgive the dr for what she did and said the evening i was at the hospital councelling over i told he i cant forgive that easy i just cant forgive her so she says i have to go back to see caroline again until they can come up with omething else . More waiting though havent got an apppointment until august 7th like over a month away yet. I will be totaly cray by then  i am just so fed up with it i need a decent councellor and it seems there is nobody that can help me :( so we will see.

Barry has been having problems with his work about him being off sick and they have told him tey are NOT going to pay him not even SSP .This morning they rang him and said he had been told he had been to a interview at nationwide while he has been off sick which is absolute rubbish . He had to reassure him he is coming back he is just having his physio first. Then this afternoon barry rang him to ask if he gives his sick notes to him or job centre as if he isnt going to pay him we have to somehow cover our rent and bills etc. He told him, he needs them because his boss has told him that he haas to pay barry full pay . So barry ha given his sick notes to carl and he i s only giving them to him if he promises he is giving barry full pay and i have took photocopies of them just in case .

Anyway i iwll stop rambling with my rubbish.

Luv Emz xxx