But ive had so much going o . Ive hardly had time to breath, All week I have bee back and forth to the hospital visiting my  nan . She says they are treating her as a guineapig and they are racking her off with their silly tests her words ot mine. She hasnt had her  operatio things went hugely wrong, The mor ning of her operation last lot of tests cam e back with an irregular heartbeat to begin with it was 200 ow with medication they have got it right dow to 100.  She has bee ni 3 differat places already but apparatly she will be staying here now untill she iis fit. The last few bloodtests have indicated she has a ov er active throid i thik he said its also known as hyperthyroid. Which accouts for the weight loss ad she is so confussed she remembers nothing LOL . It may be responsible for the heart being irregular and fast too  but we wont know utill the thyroid is under control which could take a few weeks yet.

There is  now so mu ch wrong with her she thinks they are goig to put her head on the chopping board, i ve told her they will get her better they just eed to deal with oe thing at a time .  She is so worried a bout it all . Most of the time i ve spent with her she has held my hand and rubbed my hand and told me her worries and i have tried my best to sort them all out for her, ive even half managed to get her a bath YAY . She is worried they cat get her in the bath cos of all the wires etc . She has a heart monitor ad drips stuck to her as her heart varies between 100 - 170 .

So she can be  booked back in in aroud 4 weeks if all is well . I n the  meantime they need to get her better . When i left her today she was really upset, I told her the whole op thing is totally in her hands and she doeset have to do it if she dont want to . She is so weak and frail i needed her to know that if she doeset wat to d othis she dont ave too. I will 100% understand at the moment she is suffering and that is killing me . Right now im really scared for her today was asif she was giv i ng up so i had to let her know if thats what she wants its ok with me,

She dot want to read , she doesent wat to knit , she doeset want to hear the radio , she dont want the television  on  all she wants is to go to sleep . :( My mum and sister are at my aunts at the moment too and thats really doing my head in .

But Nan DID like my hair whe i saw her yesterday i had it cut and i asked if she liked it and she said it was OK . I said i woulfd  be a differant colour today and i want her approoval . I wet i today and she said to me you have doe your hair you look a million dollars baby!!! So i think she approoves ;)  I told her  that Barry doeset like it but we like it so thats what counts ;) girls stick together and all that.

Ah well the silly CK editor is being stupid ad wont let me upload anymore so you will have to make do with that.  LOL. Barry went ballistic whe i had my hair cut he said i look like a school girl bla bla bla an d believe me i havet heard nothing since , because i did somethig i wast meant to  like it is my hair ok so its half the legnth it was but it needed it so did i ,

Luv Emz xxxx

Gosh i started to believe she really was only gona be here til monday last ight . The doctor came round after they checked her blood preasure , temp , etc He said her heart is beating irregularly and really fast. Asked if she has chest pains etc. Well no she didnt, I asked what it all meant he told me what it was called weird name cant remember it now, he said at the moment though everything else seems good but she will be kept a close eye on and checked over night, and they are ringing me today to confirm all is good. they rang at 7 to say the tablets they gave her worked and her heartbeat is slower not as slow as they would like it b ut its slower.

When i left they had got half way through their first  prep for her operation . Poor thing is so scared . She keepsasking me if i think she is going to be ok. Of course i told her this is  going to make her all better take all that pain away. That nothing is going to happen to her these nurses are lovely and they are here to take care of her. I got the doc tor to come and talk to her because nan is so scared she is not goin g to wake up again, sos he came and reassured her everything is going to be ok and she is in safe hands etc,  and the nice nurse that nan hada  soft spot for i took her aside as she asked if nan was ok? i told her nan  is realy upset and scared about the operation so she agreed to have words whe n visitors ha dgone home and it was all quiet well she rang me last night and nan went to sleep after their chat and nan gave her a hug . Poor  thin g spemnt the whole time squeezi ng my hand and leg bless her.

She gave the nurses a right laugh though bless her. I must admit she did have me at one foint she said she was born in 19 - 19 - 19 i said to her nan have you  forgottom she just smiled and said I can t remember now the fairies took it hahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahhahahahahaha . Oh god . So i tol her she was born in 1932 bless her .

I had a small rowe with my aunt outside but only a small one LOL , I rang Barry hoping for h im to pick me up i rang the landline no answer , seems him dad and the kids were meant to be here i found that weird. I rang his mobile no answer i rag the la ndline again. Viki answered and said barry was outside fixing steves car . This would usually be ok but the reason he had told me he couldent pick me up because he didnt trust my dad with the girls. Yet he can fix his mates car . Responsibilities and all that accordin g to my dad he had been out there at least 2 hours. GGRRRRR.

Chloe was still running around way overtired and kylie was crashed on the sofa and never even done her homework . The place had looked like a bomb had hit it . I got so mad in the end i just walked out and went to annes although he was on  the pho ne in minutes if not seconds it was nice just to get out of the house. It really anoyed me that i had to come home and then deal with the kids.

Anyway i gotta go i gotta take kylie to schol and get up the hospital to see nan before she goes for her op xxx

Well my weekend started at the hospital im still not completely sure as to what happened but cloe came tumbling down off her bed and unluckily the wooden dolls bed was there and as she went down she was caught by it rigt between the eyes   . A huge lump appeared she screamed for about 10 mins then asked to go to bed, so i panicked . I tried to find out wat happened but there were two differant stories. Chloe says kylie pushed her off her bed and Kylie says se fell. Either way she needed it seeing to so on the pho ne to the docs it was like 5.30 and they said take her to A&E  well as most of you kn ow the chance of me goin g up A&E are slim i would be crazy to trust them with my daughter , So i rang devon doctors and got tem to see her . He checked hher eyes and they were fine she was also alert etc so he said it was good i had taken her as it was so  close to her eyes but she would be fine YAY . Just to keep an ey e on her over te next 24  hours and she was fine but she has also got a blackeye  now too LOL ,

Saturday wast too bad although i spent the day arguing with Barry. I got the  report back from my assessment and it seems they admit i do need help . It  suggests im currently in te severe range for both depression and anxiety, so she is going to see  me every 2 weeeks for the next 10 weeks then it will get reviewed. She also wants me to go to waverley house in between . She as sent it to my doctor

Went to see my nan too poor thing is so scared . She says se is dreading it i think we all are to be honest. Nan isnt all that strong. Well i best go i need to make kylies lunch and make sure my dad gets er off to school. Nan gets admitted at 10am and its 8 already so i best get my butt into gear .

Much Love Emz xxx

Ok so the 4th photo in the 4th file lets see.

So there we have it . Me and Chloe in the happier days. She is around 6 months old here . You see she has alwa ys loved her mummy so much !!!! She has always been full of kisses. We have such a kissy kisy huggy huggy relationship . Her kisses and hugs are so much better than anyone elses , she is my soul  mate.

So now i tag Domestic warrior , exquisite flower , lexiw and cookclan

Nans operation is getting too close for my liking. She goes in on monday opertion tuesday. Poor thing is absolutly petrified. She doesent want ot go . She is really emotional  she keeps c ryi ng and she seems to ha ve it in her head she is on ly going to be here untill monday.So i proberly wont be around much next week as i will be up the hospital with  nan. I am trying to stay strong for her but right now thats very hard. Tjis is  cruel nan got illl so so quickly. Im so scared tuesday they will kn ock her out and she wont come back. Will i bla me them like i blame them for the miscarriage ? I just dont know whati feel anymore it su cks.

Oh and i heard from the obmunsman whatever its called about my complaint snd they need to pass info on to see if they can take it further or n ot and there is a waiting list for that and they will let me know roughly how long i will have to wait in 4 weeks  by the time this is dealt withit will vbe a year onits just a joke.How am  i  meant to deal with it when they are still messing about? i ha ve witnesses what more do they need.

Right now i just feel really fed up i dont know what i ever did to deserve all this mess but i wa nt it to stop i want it over .

Ok well im going now to give my li l girl a big hug that always cheers me up xx

Will this blog ever get published i wonder i only started trying at 10pm last night like 12 hours later im still working on it .

Anyway YAY YAY  YAY YAY YAY YAY  I CAN BLOG I CAN BLOG I CAN BLOG!!!!! I havent been so excited to blog in such a long time . Ive been locked out since saturday night. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU WINNIE AND IZZY. For all your help to get my account up and working again and me able to sign in again. After somebody rudely attacked and changed email addresses and passwords on my minti , facebook , hotmail a nd yahoo accounts . But im all sorted now:)

So much has been happeining exept the damp nothings happened about that i really am getting sick an d tired of waiting. They last said the surveyer was going tio call me like friday  still no phoecall no idea as to when they are going to come and have a look at it. chloe has had 4 colds since this problem has started back in november when i reported it.

Homestart came and want me to go to this story club nxt thuursday and stay and play on the friday im not really looking forward to it but i need to get my self esteem scary stuff!!

Seen my phycologist monday and i got my times worth lol. I told her pretty much everything i wont say too much   right now but i promised myself i would go there and tell the truth about everything and i did that i am so proud of  myself.Im going to be seeing her every 2 weeks and she wants me to have  regular contact with my doctor She said she was going to riing my doctor and tell her what i had told her and advised i told her whats going on too.

I went to see her yesterday as i needed more tablets and we had a little chat about thing and we spoke about my nan too as i told her i was really woorried as come tuesday it could all b e over. Plus she keeps saying she is only going t o be here till monday

Anyway thats enough of my rubbish for now i have to get miss chloe in the bath and do her hair kylie came home with nits yesterday and he didnt bother checking through chloes and i just looked in her head and she has some eggs so there ust be a nit in there somewhere GGRRRRR 

Ok ok im gone im ssshhhhhh

Much Love Emz xxx

So i had my phycology appointment yesterday. What a headache that was cos i didnt remember where it was i thught to myselfi will jst go to main recep tion and ask for directions. Sinple then isnt it ? Well guess what main reception wasnt there argh they were having renovations AGAIN . Everyone i asked didnt know where it was!!! They just had me going through the hospital absolutly everywhere . Even in cardiac in A&E i came face to face to t he  place i lost the baby i threw p everywhere and started having panic attacks and flashbacks. All in all it took me 50 minutes to fi nd it and i t was lke 10.50 my appointment time was 10am. By the ti me i got there i was in a right state to find out my appointmen t was TODAY !!!!!!!!! Can you believe that ?

I said ok my mistake ran ff dow nthe stairs saying something like  ive had enough of this crap . I sat outside t think as i was rather mad with myself as it did say thursday on the letter she showed me . Anyway some guy came out and asked if i was ok? and that he was fro m phyclogy . I was really upset and told hi m im a busy girl my nan needs me and that i wouldent be able to make today appointment . Adventually when i had calme down a bit and he went away and cme back and he said she woulsd see me uickly now as she had a cancellation. The i went bk and waited in the waiting rom and she called me through.

She could see i was clearly upset i told her i had come face on with where i lost  the baby and i puked up . I tld her my nan is in that home and that her op is at the e nd of the month and im so scared about loosing her etc. God i was a total mess. She knew i had a daughter so asked if her dad lived with us so i told her about barr and kylie . She  also asked if i had any support at home and i told her straight he is as supportive as a piece of  tissue . Couldent really go into detail as we only had 20 minutes as she had another appointment but she r ealised that i do have alot on my mind at the moment so she has booked me in for monda y for 2 hours for an assessment. On monday .  Plus an hour on tuesday if it is needed as she needs to understand all this  cos it is oe huge big mess. Also she explained because of my own good she is going to telephone and write to my dr and tell her a few thigs but i will recieve a copy of the letter just to let her know what i am feeling etc.

Then when i got back the guy came to fix my oven as its ben broken for the last week the shop was waiting for the parts for the cooker, so he came and sily me thought it was the guy for the damp and starts telling him about the damp and the gaps under the window the he said im here to fix your cooker . So that is all fixed now YAY and its now working great. 

Mind you people from the housing never came about the damp . I rang up today complaining about it and i rang twice yesterday it ended out this guy promised  to email both that were meant to be here to find out what the hell ia going pn and is goi ng to ring me tomorrow  . So we will see .

A nyway im off my arms are aching so tired today xxxx

Ok so just quickly as i am very tired . Hormonal too . Some of you may remember 3 months ago i had that injection in my tummy for the endo i had /have and to help me fall pregnant when it runs out . Well it runs out 30th January so my hormones are going a bit crazy im having the hot sweats so much i was thinking i had got away lightly but the last week my god i have sweated so much even though its freezen LOL.Period pains are back with a revengance aaahhhhh So its back on the folic acid for me just in case .

Tomorrow is a busy day for me housing manager and the surveyer are coming aroud to look at the damp FINALLY not sure when just know its tomorrow. Then i have my phychology appointment at 10am. Thats if they can be bothered to see me.Also i need to go and make sure Nan is settling in in her care homeand take her some more fruit. Kyle dont finnish school untill 4.15 tomorrow as she has art club so that gives me plenty of time with her .

Chloe is dry in the day now when she needs to go she gets the potty and pull her knikers down she is so good with it i am so pleased with her.Her speech is coming on great too. She says so muchh . She has a soft spot for a few of our friends Anne , Reece , Carl and Jerry and she can say all of their names and none of them get to leave without giving her a hug and a kiss hehe. Such a loving child.

Anyway i better go to bed cos its late and im tired xx

 

Its ok you dont have to read this its just for my information.

12th January 2009.

Dear Sir / madam ,

Re: complain t made by David ........ regarding care and treatment by Royal Cornwall Hospital Trust.

Ms Fairchild is not satisfied by the findings of the healthcare commission  for the following reasons:

1. Delay in A&E - Ms Fairchild is not satisfied that the trust have implemented the changes they agreed to make in procedures. The trust have provided no evidence of improvements to ensure that women who are miscarrying are prioritised both by reception staff and the gynaecology team. and have not confirmed to Ms Fairchild when the plan to have a designated room was completed. Without evidence the trusts words have no meaning for Ms Fairchild. In caddition Ms Fairchild does not agree that major alterations in A&E excuse the trust for the wait she experienced as the trust should have planned such alterations so that patients were not put at risk in A&E . Ms Fairchild also comments that alterations were not taking place at the time she was in A&E 

2. I nappropiat ecomments - Ms Fair child is not satisfied that this element of the complaint has adequetly addressed. A third party in the form of Ms Fairchilds father was present to witness the comment "Its only a miscarriage" .

3. Specimen Jar - Ms Fairchild is not satisfied this issue is resolved because

i. Ms Fairchild feels that the disciplinary offence committed by the registrar was of such a serious nature that it warranted a verbal warning as opposed to the councelling / poor performance interview provided by the trust.

ii. Ms Fairchild as not recieved any evidnece to suggest that procedures are in place to prevent  a recurrence of the incident.

iii. Ms Fairchild 's partner is a third party witness  tothe fact the registrar showed him the specimen jar and this should be followed through; the trust did not send the remains to the crematoriumand Ms Fairchild has evidence to suggest that nothing was sent to the crematorium between 6th may 2008 a nd 28th september 2008. It was agreed at the LRM (last resolution meeting) that it was not known what happened to the remains of the foetus.

Complaints handling - the healthcare commission  does not address the issue that the phone call to PALS  was not logged by the trust but the LRM notes confirm that Ms Mcmahon was contacted by PALS about the complaint.  Ms Fairchild claims Ms Mcmahon told her she couldent make a complaint. This is not addressed by the healthcare commission. Ms Fairchild met with Ms Mcmahon  and M r  R anjit  on 16th J une . An admin assistant attended the meeting to take notes but no notes were provided for the meeting.Ms Fairchild claims she was bullied in this meeting and left in a distressed state.  T he secon d meeting took place at the request of ICAS . Notes were not provided b the trust for this meeting.

In summary , Ms Fairchild's experiences at the hospital  were horrendous due to the trust not prioritising her miscarriage and not treating her appropiatly. She was treated disrespectfully and was give nthe products of her miscarriage in a jar. Whe n  she tried compaining verballing she was again treated wit hdisrespect. Ms Fairchild does not feel that the healthcare have crittically examined the detail of what happened and have not made the trust accountable for what has happened.

What do you want the ombudsman to do ??

To review the complaint.

Ok so now i have spoken to Nans doctor I am   alot happier about her being allowed to eat what she likes. She isnt allowed ANYTHING ANYTHING just that she can have choclate and small amounts of sugar and foods that are going to build her up . She is VERY weak and frail and we need her as strong as possible for her operation. They have er on energy drinks vitamin tablets etc.

Her operation is on 27th January we have from now untill then to get her as fit as can be. Which is  going to be hard work, so between us we have decided that a cre home would be best not long term just to build her up for the operation, at least that way we know she is eating her meals , she is definatly eating healthy , she will eat around other people which could encourage her to eat more, she can get help when she is loosing blood from her back passage and she will have somebody to clean up for her and to talk to about her worries 24/7.

According to the anethatist he wasnt  happy to do the operation this week as he was scared she would not wake up again as she is so weak and frail. So the bottom line is 27th I could loose Nan there and then rough figure is 30% chance Nan wont pull through surgery but that still gives us 70% right? There is also 50% chancew this operation will be successful and Nan will get better .

Though we have to be warned then when and if she wakes u she will be in intensive care for a few days at least and however long she needs it after that as this is a major operation its 4 hours long. Those 4 hours are going to be crazy . I just have to hope and pray we can get her strong enough in these 2 weeks for this operation,

Love Emz  xxx

I really need a break.Im just so tired , stressed and uptight. Hospital are driving me up the wall. After speaking to the councellor on the phone the other day telling her how i feel that the hospital have betrayed me. Right from the beginning from the time i lost the baby right up to now nearly a year on. Then yesterday i recieved my appoi ntment and with it they included this letter because i have missed appointments even though i was there i just wasnt called in if i dont make this appointment wednesday for any reason then they are discharging me. Like they have been any help anyway.

Kylie and Barry are driving me mad too. I feel like the child in this relationship. She doesent do a thing she is told , she mouths off, threatens to smack me though if she did she would get one back , laughs at me when i tell her off , i send herto her room , she says no , i say yes , barry says stop it then,! !! She talk to me like im a piece of dirt on the floor and i cant discipline her because im always the one the ends up as the  bad girl and i m not allowed to smack her and if i do i m the baddest mother in the whole world.

Chloe gets way more discipline than what Kylie gets . Thi ng that really annoys me though is that barry wil be all ni cey nicey to kylie when she is being naughty   but chloe he wil scream at her and i mean SCREAM and wont think twice about smacking her. Kylie isnt mine yet i treat her n differant to chloe and with both  of them beng his i dont get why he treats chloe so differant???

Yet whene ver  i say i think its better that we split he threatens me with chloe on how he will take her away from me and he will say im an unfit mother bla bla bla bla simply  because he knows i wot eave my daughter . She is MI NE and nobody will take her away from me .

Like yesterday barry asked for a cuddle and kylie didnt like  it and got it the niddle pushing me out and i really ca nt be in a relationship that revolves aroud 1 child we are a family of 4 not 1 . I just dont know what to do anymore ive had enough  of it all.

Sorry i will shut up now and do the husework like im meant to as so far today ive done sweet FA.

OMG  Chloe is such a monkey pants .The other day i got the girls a ew winter dress each she looked so beautiful in it she went off playing suddenly she came back her dress had gone from a browny colour to patchy white. I screamed at her 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR DRESS ' and she burst into tears i quickly took  it off her and put it straight under the hot tap and after a good scrub and a wash in the washing machine it came out . . Anyway it was paint and she also got it in her hair all over the dogs and a b it of my bedroom wall LOL .

If that wasnt enough this morning whie i was in bed sleeping   Kylie decided she would help herself to a cup off the  kitchen side and the juice take it to the bathroom and help herself to the  juice . She drank nearly half a bottle . Aso she painted a few of her own nails a few of her sisters and her sisters hand with MY new naill varnish . Thanks Kylie. She was a bit shocked to say the least when she saw me stood there .

Arnt kids just GREAT ?

Love Emz xxx

So Finally a decision has been made as to what is going to happen with my Nan. She is going to have a operation. Well thats if her pre op assessmentgoes well tomorrow, i m not sure they are going to say she is fit for surgery but i guess we just have to hope. Then hope and pray she will pull through after surgery. Please nan be strong enough for this. They are hoping to preform it through keyhole leaving my nan with 4 incisions.  Then they will pull the bowels through  and cut out as much of the tuma as possible , therefore Nan will be able to go toilet (poe) alot easier and she will be feeling alot more comfortable. Plus we are hoping it will give us more time with her . Or it could all go terribly wrong i could loose her.  But thinknig positive she will come out of this with just acute bits of cancer in the pancreas and liver . Though after the operation she may need a bag attatched for 3 months . But it wont be a permannat thing. She goes in on monday evening and she  will be going to theatre on tuesday . She will be in surgery for 4 hours  they said to expect her to be in intensive care afterwards but not to let it upset us . She will be in hospital for around a week. Then when she is let out she is going to   be going somewhere where she will be taken care of for a while. As  its going to take around 3 months for her to recover from the operation.    The poor thing is so scared and worried about it. So far tonight she has rang me 4 times .If i could turn this all around i would and i would do anything. Waching her like this is crushig me. But i guess we will just have to wait and see what tuesday holds.   Emz xxx

Aaaaahhhhhh . Thats how i feel  today!! Didnt have my councelling today !!. Now this is the secod appointment i have misse d in the past week that was me earlier !!! Barry was meant to watch the girls he asked me to wake him up at 9.15 but i lost track of the time and didnt wake him until 9.35 . I had to leave at 9.45  . So Barry would have had to run  up the shop with his bank card to get some electric as i had run out about an hour earlier and i refuse to use his card in the shop. Obviously like if i had gone to the shop he would have had to take the girls.

BUT this is Barry im talking about and he said  he could not go to the shops as he has 2 kids to look after .Like i do it everyday and i dont moan about it they are my kids , its my responsibility . So i missed my appointment so he didnt have to take his kids to the shop he has a bad back so he cant push chloes buggy.

Yet after the electric came back on carl rang and ever since he has been at carls fixing his car .See his back is sooo sore so much that he is still there now fixing it  and he says he wont be home untill late tonight. .

Anyway luckily waverley house phoned me around 11am reminding me i had missed my appointment . I explained to her why and that it wasnt intentional and all and it is a emergency reassessment so they have squashed me back in for tomorrow.How good is that.

I didnt have as much luck with phychology though. I rang themm as they sent me a letter saturday saying i didnt turn up for my appointment but i did they just never came to get me i waited over an hour . Anyway the letter said to phone bla bla bla number and rebook so i did that explaining i did turn up etc. Now i have to wait for this phycologist to call me back then i can make an apppointment .

All i want is some god damn help; i admit i have a problem and i do need to see somebody to sort that out but what can i do when nobody will see me ?? I swear these people make my depression worse. Ah well im gonna stuff my face with doughnuts maybe that will make me feel better .

Much Love Emz xxxx

Why do schools have teacher training days right after half term ?? It just dont make sense . Like havent they had enough time off already?? LOL . Kylie is driving me bonkers. She hasnt eaten a meal since i dont know when. Her attitude stinks , she is so nasty to chloe and she totally ignores me . I just cant wait untill she is back at school. Sounds mean really but im beginning to loose my patience.

Was meant to get a lie in today . Didnt get one though. Bummer. Though barry did get up at 7-30 and allowed me to go back to bed untill 9am . That little bit of extra sleep really helped me get my energy together though.

I managed to get ALL  the housework done today . Including the ironing now isnt that impressive. It is absolutly spotless and ive done most of the washing plus ive changed 3 beds. Most energetic ive been this year i think haha.

Got a busy day tomorrow I have gt councelling in the morning how exciting huh ? LOL but i do need to go i was meant to see the phycologist on 30th december but i was sat there waiting over an hour before i left . This one my doctor arranged as she feels my mental state has changed since i last had a session. After that i need to tryy and make a dr appointment though that will be a try as she will be busy being the new year and all.

Really tired lately im not sleeping all that well im waking up and drifting back off all night. Plus chloe keeps waking up around 4am which totally sucks.

Anyways i better go i gotta cook this dinnner .

Luv Emz xxxx

WOW  this year has flown by doesent a year fly by so quickly. I got absolutly wasted the new  year. We had a few friends over for the new year i hadnt been so drunk sice before i fell pregnant with my chloe who is now 2.5 years old. My dad looked after girls this morning never again he fed them biscuits for brekfast and they trashed the place lol. I woke up at 9.30am.

10am my auntie jane rang. Now as some of tyou know none of my mothers family will talk to me exept my nan unless its something important. So i kew it was important. Wished her happy new year etc its only rude not to, not what i would call good news to be honest. No point beati ng round the bush and pretending its ok.

Nans cancer is serious very serious. We were going on thinknig it was just her bowels she couls have an operation and all would be ok. Well seems thats not going to be the case, the tuma is spreading and fast, they could operate on her bowels but to be honest there is no point really. Its also got into her liver and another organ it has a weird name but its right  by the liver and bowels . Therefore if they do give her surgery its not really going to help her as she is still going to be in pain because the cancer will still be spreading through her organs .

The  bottom line is in 6 - 12 months my nan isnt going to be here . Thats all they rekon she has left . She doesent know this yet and wont untill 5th january when she goes back to the hospital . Knowing i am watching my nan die breaks my heart . I love her so much and i dont know what im going to do when she leaves us, those coats my girls have on their backs willl be the last coats their great nan is ever going to get to  buy them . Chloe may not even remember her when she gets older :( I know i should not think of stuff like this but i cant help it . I dont love any of my family like i love my nan not even my dad.

I cant make sense of any of it . How can life be so cruel?  I just wish there was something i could do but there isnt. No matter what any of us do it isnt going to  change a thing. Ive spent the whole day crying . Just seeing my nan like this. She isa so forgettful her senile dementure is getting worse . Though i keep telling her she is my strong cookie that can fight the world . I know one day she will top fighting and i ne ver want that day to come . She just giggles at me and squeezes my hand .

I wish i could wrap her up in cotton wool and make her all better but it wont make her better at all. Its just too cruel. I really dont have a clue how im going to deal with this. I dont know how im going to help my  girls through it when i dont know how im going to get through it myself.

Im sorry i blogged this i wasnt going to but my head has been all over the shop since i found out i had to get it out.i didnt get much sleep last niht so i need to try and get some sleep tonight and with this rolling round in my head was nt helping  me get into sleep mode.

Well goodnight all and happy new year. xxxx