I am so tired . . I had a little madam sneak into bed next to mummy at 3am . I dont mind her sleeping in with me eitherr in my bed or in the living room, as she does go to . Then at 4am Chloe had just dozed off and Kylie started kicking off as she realised Chloe wasnt in bed. . 4.30 i had to put chloe back to bed cos kylie hadt go to school . kylie had wet the bed and everything . So i put chloe in her cot and kylie in chloes bed . Then they was up at 5.30 . So i did them some brekkie . Chloe wanted me to put a video on (horses) sorted they were eating glued to the telly, so i could quickly spend a bit of time in a private group . From there it went horribly wrong the kids started fighting and Kylie ended up being late for school .

We came home and did a bit of washing and a little tidying and then we went to the play cafe (i meet my support worker there) Chloe had a fab time there were 5 other toddlers there 1 that could open the baby gate for her so she had a right good time .

After we went and got kylies friend a birthday pressie for tomorrow and i got the girls a pink fury rug for their room which btw they love . Also i got them some new colouring bits we popped in MD's and got chloe a meal for her lunch as it was early afternoon, So she ate that on the way to see nanny , she walked half the way . She sat on nans room floor with her colours and a colouring book for a while then she came and cuddled nanny softly she kept saying to her you poorly aaahhhh poor nanny and kissing her hand so funny and cute,

she walked all the way home she was so ratty whn we got home and askked to go to bed at 5.30. I just hope they sleep right through tonight i am so knackered i need some sleep

Luv Emz xxxx

As many of you know Ive had heaps of problems with Kylie and her reading , writting and spelling . For a good 2 yrs.. Well half term there wasnt much time Kylie spend without her headin a book. Our motto is practice = perfect. Well monday she had a spelling test . Her usual score is 0 /6 -1/6 but this week it was very impressive and we got an exciting 6/6 . So proud of her she got a gold coin for that one LOL . She was so pleased but so was i the last 2 years has been hard just for her to get that 6/6. Its a big thing for her.

The n i picked her up today and her teacher pulled me about her reading (as i havent been picking her up much with nan and all) she said she is all of a sudden doing fantastic and has today put her up to level 7 . When little over a mnonth ago she was struggling on level 4!!!!

I took her to see my nan today. The smile on nans face was a pleasure love her, first time i seeen her smile since she last saw chloe :) . Nans doing ok just tired all the time and these pains in her tummy and she is sick of fish lmao . Apparantly thats all they have, sneeky bugger wanted me to drink her lemonade though, Kylie loved seeing her. She hasnt seen her for about a week now.

I pulled up the girls carpet today . It stunk i washed itand it made it far worse so i got barrys stanley knife and attacked it.Good stress relief LOL.Anyway i best go as i have to take these dogs out for a piddle LOL xxx

But I cant sleep. Im sick . I have a horrible cold and its right on my chest . . So I was a stroppy cow for 2 days as I couldent see my nan but i didnt look or sound sick so I ran off and saw her and now again tonight . I- cant stop sneezing and coughing it is just horrible. I felt so bad not being able to go and see her. It was so good to see that smile and the twinkle in her eye when i first saw her. . She was dressed so i thought that was a good thing ah still no conversation. Question time . Do you like it here ? no Is it better than hospital ? i suppose . Are you still being sick? Yes Eating ? not really. I-is the food here better than hospital ? No . (geez it must be bad) Have you made any new friends here the lady nxt door seems friendly? NO (yes she shouted at me ) just a few of the nurses, Has your doctor been ? Yes . Oh fantastic was he pleased to see you did you tell him everything your worrying bout ? yes . When do you go back to hospital ?? I dont . -What do you mean you dont ? I DONT TINK SO (I got told off again  ) the nall of a sudden here it came . The doctor said if i dont want to go back i dont have to go back. So you dont want the treatment ? No . Well thats ok if that is what you want ? yes . Ok thts fine you dont have to go back .

Gutted to be honest . But she doesent know that . Dr did ring my aunt and without the op she has around 4 months left . Mind you i dont blame her this year already has been a struggle for her . It was only 16th december she got diagnosed with bowel cancer since then she has had a pre op where they said she wasnt fit , then they told her she has had this tuma around 2 years , another pre op where they said she was fit for surgery , she went in hospital 4 weeks ago for surgery where they discovered she had a fast heart beat and a weak heart (from it beating so fast) they drugged her and drugged her to make her fit for surgery with no luck , prosponed surgery till they finally said surgery is impossible at the moment , then they discovered she has a over active thyroid , 3 weeks on they put her into a nursing home and she can no longer do pretty much anything for herself .So yeeah i dont blame her at all. Iits all been such a struggle for her.

My phychologist rang me today as i missed an appointment monday as she gave me this phone number a few sessions ago and i was worried tto ring it so insted she wanted to do me a referral just to make things easier on me so i gave her permisson to do that . She also wanted to make sure everything was ok and make sure i was coming to my appointment next monday. Of course i am lol. Should have gone  monday rrellly .

Girls were up at like 4 am this morning i didntclock the time well untill i woke up a bit and turned the computer on and realised it was 4.15am and my girls were shouting playing jumping you name it after all they ar ekids . Anyway i ordered kylie back into that bed grabbed chloe a  bottle and ordered she laid down on the sofa light off quilt out and 2 bbottles of milk later we were all out for the count untill 8am.

Anyway its like 1am now i really should try and get some sleep else i will be a nightmare for the girls to wake up in the morning and chloe is getting a bit rough she is a fiesty one . I wonder where she gets it from hehe.

Night night

Love Emz xxxx

Yesteerday i couldent go to see my nan as -I was tooo sick. So i stayed home filled myself with vitamins and caught up with washing and housework . Around 3pm there was a knock at the door. (nobody knocks because the dogs go ballistic) It was that Nikki from the council and this other guy. He was asking if i remembered him ? ummm no!!!! -Nikki was going i sent you a letter that i was coming today ? no you didnt !! Yes i did. Whatever !!!! Can we come in? Yes!! Brain is saying what have i done now? hmmmm.

Then Barry stormed in. The guy started going on about homestart and how i am getting on with it. I said it was fine. We are enjoying it.He asked if i wanted them to do something else for me also and i sadi no.

Then the truthful reason for the visit came out. 2 more complaints have been made about me . This time to social services. Because of arguements and shouting. I admit i do shout at kylie but only cos its the only way she will listen .Kylie screams in time out and they have reported me for that too. From there its pretty much a blank barry wouldent let them get a word in edgeways paulines now got a sheet of everytime she has a complaint she can log it on. Like give me a break already. She is bloody harrassing me its got her nowhere with the council now she is trying social services she is lucky she is still breathing. B-ARRY WAS GOING ON ABOUT MOVING AND HE WAS GOING SO IF U MOVE CAN EMILY STAY i was sat there like WTF  have i missed . They offered a meeting to discuss all this but barry refused it lol.

OMFG - i think i am about to go CCCCCRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY.

How i HATE living here .

She came out yestetrday. Though she cant cope on her own anymore so she has gone to a nursing home. We found her a beautiful one in torre. So we can still pick her up and take her church etc. They only have 25 residents and the carers are lovely. I rang up this morning and they said that she was eating brekfast with a carer.

They put her straight to bed when she arrived as now nan sleeps most of the day and she has been sat in the chair waiting for transport all day .So she was very tired. We are hoping things get better wuth her being in the nursing home . Plus they have cancer nurses there etc and will knowhow to deal with all the bleeds instea of taking her hosputal everytime she has a bleed which is every few days.

I just hope she likes it because if im honest i dont think she is going to be able to go home. She is in the last chapter of her life. But thats ok as she has had a good life and is suffering with bowel cancer .-She sees the surgeon again in 2 weeks who has said the operation thouigh sjhe may have a stnt .i guess its just a case of watching and waiting. Without it she has 4 - 10 months left

Anyway i better go as i hve loads of washing etc to do xxx

http://www.thisissouthdevon.co.uk/localnews/Murder-inquiry-launched/article-706119-detail/article.html

http://www.thisissouthdevon.co.uk/localnews/Major-inquiry-body-flat/article-704095-detail/article.html 

This happened just at the end of my street . On the same road as Kylies school. Abit close to home. 2 men have been arrested as the guy who has died (I hope he rests in peace ) had some serious head injuries but wont be able to tell what happened untill the post mortem is back.

His neighbour found him the ambulance crew ried to revive him with no success. They arrived at the scene in just 4 mins . Who then called the police . Monday night the dead body was left in the bedsitwhile they were waiting for the post mortem and the house was guarded by the police over night.

At present they dont even know who this man is only that he was aged between 30 - 40. My heart goes out to his family and i hope these men get what they deserve .

We didnt really do -Valentines this year. We didntreally have much money plus its pointless. -As some of you already know we arnt getting on very well at the moment. So instead we decided i would cook a nice meal and watch a film.

Ispent a majority of the day cleaning as we have the workmen coming in next week to fit a new heating system so i have to clear out the airing cupboard and move everything out of the way of the radiators and fire place. So the girls are back to sharing (what a drama) and everything apart from big toys , wardrobes , beds and the bookcase are now in chloes room.

Then was to see my nan. Oh that was fun .She was in between pains and telling me how the nurses were slack and wernt doing their jobs she said all day 4 nurses had been at the desk just chatting. She sasys she wants to go home where she can do what she pleases. LOL . Then she got all confussed and wondered what had happened to  my auntie mary and asked if i could see her around so i had a check even checked car parks . See my nan  is demandingif she wants something she gets it . No luck so i phoned her answer machine . AAHHHH. I  thught maybe she is on her way and headed back to nan and said i left a message, 5 minslater literally Jane walked in with my mother. Thanks for the warning Janie . Her words were loud enough for the nurses at the station to hear OH NO!!!!!! Now i was in no mood to be making my nan upset cos believe me she would have . Me and Jane discussed the place nan is going tohopefully wednesday. Then i got off lucky i didnt take chloe as i was going to but she was a little too tired and wouuld have been stroppy up theere, glad i didnt now though. I told my other auntie what she said to me last ngiht and she said it was arrogant and rude and totally uncalled for . I agree it was my nan is on her death bed and still she is picking arguements wirh me. She is my nan and there is nothing she can do about it she is just jealous ive never had the relationship with her that i have with my nan.

Then i came out a tad upset but was ok . Went to sainsburys and got some curries they were actually rahter nice so i cooked those and we watched a film "Things to do before your 30" at some point we both crashed on the sofa til 2am went to bed and then i was up again at 4 on  the sofa A s i got fed up with getting kicked in the back and huffed and puffed at lol . Then this morning all hell broke loose when barry got up lol .

I am seeing my phycologist tomorrow so i will be able to give my nan a moring visit tomorrow aswell then, :)

Much Love Emz xxx

That is if it happens LOL. Apparantly Barry is getting up to the kids in the morning. Mind you i will believe that when i see it . I dont remember the last time he has got up to the kids or even if he ever has? He says i need to rest and am to stay in bed at least until he has taken Kylie to school!!!! Mind you when i got home from the hospital today i wasnt feeling great. Anne only asked how my nan was and i burst into tears LOL . My emotions are getting the better of me .

I took Chloe to see my nan and quickl changed my mind once we arrived . Nan was very poorly . She had been sick quite alot. With the ammount of anti sickness she is taking i am suprised so are the nurses actually. Nan was sat there lking t me as if ot say look here we go again and sick tray nearly full or sick which was lke green and yel;low very strange. I ended up ringing barry to cllect chloe nan was in no state to see her.

The nurse took her to the toilet while i took chloe to dady. I came back still nonan then i spotted another guy getting a white apron on and gonig in . I knew they were having problems and got quite upset. When she came out i got her into bed that was the best place for her, poor thing was so sick. She looked like a ghost. She said that that had happened for the 3rd time today and this was only morning, she said in the end she had to tell somebody. I told her she must tell the nurse as soon as it starts as they can help her, she is far too independant.

I lost my rag with them over her meal again . They brought her ham salad for lunch and when i told her this she said well thats what was ordered . She is on purrees for heavens sake .She is finding it hard to swallow then they gave her painkillers in tABLETS  god i swear they would just leave her to suffer if i wasmt there . She never ate lunch but i fed her half a ice cream and she fell asleep squeezing my hand . According to the sisterr she hasnt spent much time awake .

But yesterday we had this meeting . There was me and my 2 aunts 2 occupational therapists , sister of the ward , doctor , and 2 other nurses that have been taking care of my nan and each had answers to our questions. Again my nans operation is back to being maybe in 4 weeks for a reassessment with the anethatist and surgeon. Although the surgeon says its not looking good as nans really not in no fit state . plus they cant get the over active thyroid where it should be .

But if she cant have the operation we want or shall i say she needs. Then they they will consider doing a stunt .Which is this little thing they put nan under a light sedation like when you go to the dentist and it will take in small bitsof cancer from around her backside so that she can poe.They think Nan has had cancer for around 2 years unnoticed .Yes we have asked how why and everything else but really what is the poibt ? its there now and now its a problem we just have to face it. They are also thinknig of using another way to get her thyroid down as it dont seem to be comng down .

I even got to tell them that I am seeing my nan suffer with these pains in her belly and she is in my eyes just being left and all i want is for my nan to get better . Through tears but i told them. I told them i dont have much faith in the NHS ut to please help my nan . They were really good really they were truthful and thats what i needed . My nan is not going to recover and thats something i have to get through to my head as much as it hurts its the truth and im glad they were honest.

To be honest right now my hearts in a million pieces but im trying to stay strong for my nan and my girls. They are finding this hardenough without seeing me crying and kylie hears me talking to friends who obviously asks how my nan is doing wich makes her askmore questions. I have been honest with her too. She knows nanna is very sick and nanna is reaching her last days and nanna willsoon go to heaven to look after baby angel for us . She is ok with that and understands soon we will loose nanny . I have to prepare her for that.

Hopefully we will be able to find her a nursing home for her to move into on tuesday over the weekend as its either that or me and my aunts taking it in turns to sleep overwith nan taking it in turns LOL and seems they both work and i am a fulltime mum thats not going to work as they wont give us 24 hour care at home. But she does realise she cant cope on her own anymore she does realise she is going somewhere where she will be looked after, we can go see her we can take her out for the dday obviously we will need to do the care like cleaning up after she beeen toiket etc but all that is obvious,

But at least she will be in peqce she will ha veher own room and other to socialise with if she wants to. Plus the staff will be able to help her.

We did ask if she could have some councelling as my nan has senile dementure to help her understand.But they say it willbe telling her she is dying and what is happening to her but as a family we decided that would betoo much for her andshe would close up like a book so its best not to,

Ok i better shut up its like nearly 1am i have to go bed soon my eyes are bulging LOL

Night -night

Luv Emz xxx

Well i finally plucked the courae to make a dental appointment!!!!! VERY impressed with myself i did FANTASTIC!!!!! Considering!!!!!! It didnt sound so bad when she was going therough which ones were staying and which wernt. She was so kind and gentle too . Funny though her assistant was one of my friends mum haha. Anyway after she took a look and wrote everything down she put it on the computer I asked her what it all meant cos there was blue and red bits everywhere . She said  the red stuff is what needs t come out that was enough i had tears .The blue (there was not much blue really not as much as the red i think it was about 6 . ) could be repairable so i was given a choice of weather i wanted them out . She saw the top front ones and her words were "christ what happened here???" . I told her i got hit . So all in all there are 28 teeth to be removed . Now you can see why i had tears. I could have had my front top ones done there and then but to be honest i would rahter be knocked out completly .and get it all done at once. I will be left with 11 teeth of my own. :( but she did say that once ive had those bad ones out if i  go see her she will arrange to make my denture . I was amazed that the filling i had when i was 11 isstill there and doing well .She also done an x ray for the hospital scary stuff that was i almost had a panicc attack glad it finnished when it did PHEW!!! Now i need to wait for the hospital to ring with an appoinent hopefully it will be soon as she put i am suffering with absesses and pain .

It was lovely when i got home i got the best welcome my little lady was so pleased to see me she gave me a huge cuddle and kiss. Just what the doctor ordered :) I TRIED to get some housework done beore getting up to the hospital . Just as i started the guy who is going to put our new heating system in came to measure the radiators etc. So all i managed to do was dishes and put some washing on . I got kylie from school and before ii knew it it was time to go hospital to see my nan.

While i was there the dr came round bonus really as i wanted to talk to her. -Nan finally got enough trust in her to tell her her stomach is really hurting and its there all the time. Luckily i was there to say the pain is coming from the tuma. She finally gave her more pain killer . Now she is on oral morph as well as the paracetamol its only took 2 weeks of me and my aunties telling them she needs more relief, although she is on purree food she still isnt eating even with the help of the young lads trying to persuade her. I am so thankful of them they dont know how much it means . They tell her they did it ecspecially for her and all sorts brings a smile to her chops if nothing else. She isnt drinking  her ensure drinks which boost her up she says they are horrid .She isnt wrong either LOL tongihts was supposed to be strawberry but it tasted more like bananas . T-hey have bean giving her medicines via injections in the tummy and syringe in mouth. Only way we can get it down there LOL. She is having problems swallowing her food,

Personally i think they should put her on a drip . She isnt eating or drinking yet they seem to think she is doing ok on what she has had, tongiht my cousins girlfriend came in who works over in maternity (she looked after me and chloe when chloe was born) and she looked on her notes and said they arnt really looking after her properly and thats just by going by notes . It just seems they are only doing what we ask them too .Apart from that they seem to just be leaving her to suffer as all  thats happening is she sleeps wakes up in pain feeling sick. No anti sickness seems to be taking effect,

Both me and my auntie have been in tears tonight simply because all we see is nan getting worse:( So tomorrow me and jane have a meeting to go to to discuss our feelings on this and Nans future care where we go from here etc. Watching her suffer is killing us all . This is so cruel i would rather it would take her if its going to at least she woould be pain free that sounds horrid but its not its much kinder if you tink about it. Its frustrating her to tears on a daily basis .

I just hope tomorrow is a better day for her poor thing but at least she wll sleep well tonight with that morphine.

Luv Emz xxx

Originally for my teeth as some of you that was about the end of last year i had a hitin the mouth long long story . I lost 1 tooth there and then and it left another 3 wobbly. well thursday the last wobbly tooth came out my tongue was bored and was giving it a tickle LOL next thing i knew I had no tooth there it was in my mouth . Ive spent the last 2 months umming and arring about going to the dentist. Their mask things freak me out and those big needles even their little mirrir thingys scare me LOL . Where i was hit rather hard it cracked the teeth near the top so its left me with stumps . Then thursday night i was in absolute agony i was pinned down and had anbesol shoved on my gums etc. I dont like anbesol either.

So adventuallly i agreed to get my doctor to refer me tto the hospital to get them taken out plus another 4 that are damaged as i havent been to the dentist since i was 11. Scardey cat here LOL. So i got an appointment and told her how much it hurts  She had a look she thinks i could have some infection going on so she has prescribed me some anti biotics and painkillers and over the weekend she wants me to ring the dentist to see if they will do it if not she will refer me .

Silly me also mentioned i had missed my zoladex injection and cant get another appointment for a week and a half and the one i have in runs out on monday . So she searched the nurse that can do the zoladex and she said she could do it there and then UTOH !!!!!! We ummed and arred about 5 mins about which side the last one went in and were pretty sure it was the right so the left side it was. OUUUUUUUUUUUCHHHHHHH I swear it never hurt as much last time and the bruise well its bloody huge. Ah well another 3 months of pain relief and no periods thats the bit i like ,

Kylie was in BIG trouble yesterday . I discovered my nail varnish everywhere sink , her bed etc then when she came home she had nail varnish all over her hands. All i said was where is my nail varnish gone??? She was screaming i dont want to tell you so none of us were allowed to leve the room untill i knew the truth. Adventually the truth came out, its in her teachers drawer at schol ready to hand back monday.

Thursday night nan asked meto see chloe she is missing her. So yesterday i took chloe to see her . Oh you had to see her face it was an absolute picture . Talking of pictures chloe made her a monster ok we did but shhhh dont tell chloe i told you. One of the ladies on nans ward sasid she showed her the picture a few times last ngiht and she was smiling and giggling at it :)

Havent seen Nan much today though she has been in the land of dreams most of the day today. When she did wake up she was in pain though last night they did put her down to have purree meals to make it easier on her, Also they are starting to give her paracetamol in a liquid form to make it easier on her. Plus they are giving her this other medicine as theythinksome of her tummy pain could be a colicky pain as well as the pain coming from her bowels .

Had words with the doctor yesterday as she seemed to think she would bwe whisking my nan off to the nursing home next week but i can tell you unless she has a complete turn around she isntmoving. S-she can barely lift herr head off the pillow are tehy crazy ??

Anyway i have a friend here so im off xxxx

So the last week and a half has been 1 big fight for my poor nan. She went in expecting to hopefully get rid of this cancer in her bowels which is spreading fast into the liver and pancreas . She now has hypertension (i think thats what its called) which basically means her heart beats too fast which is now controlled with medication and she has a over-active thyroid which is also being controlled with drugs.

Well tonight i had a row with the poor young nurse tonight . I told her i was really beginning to get worried with her not , eating , drinking or even talking much and they need to build her up and get her more stregnth she keeps saying her tummy hurts etc . She told me there wasnt much they can do when my nan doesent communicate with them . For heaven sake i cant be there 24 / 7 if someone gave her the time of day like the nurse last night they will see she is scared that shes dying. She is petrified that she could go for surgery and not come back .

To find out it was decided yesterday my nans surgery isnt going to happen!!!! So of coursed already mad i shoutd at her so what you just going to leave her to die??????? Apparantly if she goes surgery she is NOT coming back she is fighting too much she is in no state for surgery and wont be. They are just getting her well enough for her to live as painless as possible for the nursing home where she can live the laas t chunk of her life peacefully.

So theres the end to my hope of this opeation giving her more life more time to spend with us , but she really does have 4 - 10 months left end of, thats if she lasts that long, So i never am gonna get my nan back theway she was and if they think they are discharging her tothe nursing home the way she is they can take a long jump she can barely lift her head off the pillow , Is it really so much to ask to give her painkillers to stop her pain and make her comfortable and warm this is MY nan right now im feeling rather angry about it all . Maybe  im just trying to blame them ? right nowi dnt know but im going before this turns silly xxxx

Kinda nervous really sounds really silly really . Its only a parenting group but its the first time I have been since he miscarriage and all. It will be fun im sure and Chloe will love it just nerve racking. Support worker is coming with me in case I hve a panick attack need a breather or whatever. I dont have to speak to anyone else if i dont want to they just want me to go to try and get confidence back. Yeah right we will see.

Anyway dippy dora here forgot all abot her jab today. Ah i just didnt want to get hurt and feel sick all day. Those jabs arnt pleasant but i suppose I best gett it rebooked as I dont want to fall pregnant at the moment and my doctor thinks my recent cramps are the endo returning as its around when my periods would be so if i was having periods i would be having them inside so she thinks it would be a good move for me to stay on zoladex until i see my gynaecologist next month.

Surveyer came today with the housing manager to check out my damp . Like 3 months later . Pretty much pointless i lost my temper. Fist thing he said was do you have a tumble dryer and blaming it on condonsation . Condonsation my backside my tumble dryer is nowhere near the damp . Adventually he said the stuff in chloes room is damp coming from outside outise will need to be sorted first untill then its pointless doing inside so outside wll e done sometime next week. Then the wall that has become damp will be replastered.

The housing manager said she had another complaint and that she was coming to see me between 3.30 - 4pm I saaid i would be at the hospital with my nan so she will have to speak to Barry and i asked where my trnsfer forms were as i HATE living here. Why dont you want to live here ? Give me a break already isnt it obvous im a mother not a prisioner, I have enough on my plate right now without a whingey old bag making constant complaints aboutme, if she dont likw my music turn the tv up i like to have a little bop while i do my housework its good for the soul LOL. Maybe i should put some pink floyd on see how she likes that ?? GRRR. Apparantly mine and barrys arguements are heard at the next block of course nobody else argues. Do they expect me to shut up and listen to all the crap he says ??? it really is a joke she brought a anti social behaviour officer with her too i swear us and nect door gets harrassed with athetic complaints like all the time .

Nan doesent really seem to be improoving . All she is really doing is sleeping adn worrying worrying she isnt going to be OK??? Of course i have t o keep telling her she will be ok they will make her stronger get her through this operation and make her better bt deep down i dont think thatwill be the case . She just seems to get weaker and weaker . When i went to visit her today the nurs was withher and said she wasnt herr normal self today when she wass awake it was just her starring into space not talking to anyone . She spoke to me thouh so that was good, and she has a soft spot for this young nurse avbout my age so i left her chatting to her and as i was leaving nan was telling her how sh e is worrying all the time .

The lady oppsisite and to the left 1 bed said the nurse walked her to the toilet this morning (physio) and she said to my nan she was getting better than her at walking now and nans reply was " dont be daft " gotta love her attitude . It s so hard to walk away at the end of the evening when she is feelng sobad i hate it but i cant sit there with her 24/7 . She had 4 blankets when i left she is ever so cold she looks like a mummy all wrapped up only thing uncovered is her face and i cat cover that she needs to breathe lol . I love her so much its so hard to see her like this it breaks my heart .Seeing her cry makes me want to cry but i need to stay strong for her.xxxx

OMG !!!!! I got the shock of my life when i went in to visit nasn today. I had phychology and i was telling her how poorly nan was yesterday and how i was so worried. off i go all excited to see her and all . Nan was half awake half asleep poor ittle love. The lady oppisite my nan said to me are you her grand daughter?? i said yes why is there a problem ? Has she been ok ? She said ever so calmly your gran attacked me in the night !!!! OMFG!!!!This is so not my nan. All this lady can remember abouti t is she woke up and she was hitting her in the chest and in the legs and there was my nan stood there with her drip , monitor etc/. I said to her but she was out of it all day. The nurse said she came along and nan was all confussed and weed herself. I obviously apologised to both the nurse and the lady thhat got hurt . though this lovely lady understnads and she even asked how i thought my nan was today.

They have now assessed her and they feel that the best option for her wwhen she leaves hospital is a nursing home as at the mopment she isdsnt doing anything for herself . I havent really blogged about his but the last few days nan has been real bad, All she is doing is sleeping , she is in agony eith her tummy yet she is refusding pain relief, her hearts stil going too fast , shes had 2 veins collapse from drips , she is refusing food , she is refusing  fluids , and she is freezen cold so pale and just not nan .

Visiting times are meant to finnish at 12 till 3 but the doctor said it was ok dfor mme to stay and maybe i could get her to eat. no such luck though she picked up the fork looked sat the moince and that was it. i also managed to get her to drink 3 sips of tea not alot at all. While i was there i got them to put some bars on her bed not only am i now worried she will tumble out but i dont want her to attac any more patients, LOL

My aunt managed to talk to her GP and told him how nan has been . He thinks that  because there are now so many things going on with her at the moment it all may seem too much and she could be giving up fighting . Sad really but i would prefer her to suffer as less as possible.

Luv Emz xxx

Well yesteday the cosultant had some good news . Now her heart isnt racing anything like it was it now varies between 100-130 it should be 70 but WAS 200 so its a big differance though they are keeping her o these heart tablets untill after surgery . They arealso treatig her for her over activ e thyroid and hopefully  in the coming weeks she will put weight back on as she has lost so much you ca see her bones . So bec ause her heart is doing so well they are takig her off that big horrible heart moitor tomorrow and replacing it with a small one like the size of a purse which she will be able to put in her dressig gown and they will keep checkig it. So as of tomorrow we are down to 1 blood test every 2 days a big differace to 3 times a day.

She is rather quiet at the moment she ist liking being stu ck there she cat remember what the tests are for though i keep remidig her. Its going to be a good 4-6 weeks before her op if she makes it that far as they eed to get this thyroid ad heart bang on  before they eve think about putting her uder aathetic . It would ot be fair to keep her there for that long seems she will be there 3 weeks after her op aswell.

So hopefully next week she will be assessed for hwer curret needs . As she ist fit to go home . She cant look after herself anymore though i dont mid doi ng her hair getting her to the toilet etc but i also ha ve 2 kids jane ad mary both work fulltime and cant do it either, plus the cancer can finish her at aytime a nd that might be a time we cant be there for some reaso she cat hang on. So depeding on her needs she will be going to a care home or maybe eve a nursing home untill tthe operation.

Lat few days we had some lovely visitors 1st couple were very nice just checkig how she was as the last they heard she was off to theatre, then another  couple cam e yesterday all from the church making sure she is ok . HER face was a picture

Ayway i otta go so much to do before i go up there xxxxx