Hopefully I will get the all clear and  i can get a coil fitted :)

Mind you by doing this I am going against what Barry says. Why dont he want me to have a coil ?

1. Its dangerous it could rob me of my fertility . = WRONG the registrar did that when she returned my pregnancy last year.

2. He wants another baby = I dont now isnt the right time for ME. Dont get me wrong i would loveto give CChloe a full brother/sister.BUT I cant risk having another miscarriage im not over the last one yet i am only just beginning to deal with it.If it was to happen again i wouldent be able to seek medical attention i would blame myself the list goes on, besides my relationship isnt the best relationship at the moment so i dont feel we should try for another baby anyway.

I am doing this purely for ME. This is the only contraception i can have , as i cant have anything that contains hormone. I also have an implant for endometriosis. That contains hormone so the only contraception i can use is the coil so that that. Ive asked my best friend for her opinion and sh agrees with methe coil would be  good idea:)

So now its just fingers crossed im all good and can have it done :)

Love Emz xxx

Please meet my nan.

This was nans reaction to lunchtime .

BUT after HEAPS of persuation she decided to give it a go so i had t snap her in action seems we dont see her eat much anymore:( .

Looks so frail and worried doesent she :(

Still is worth millions to me .

Love Emz xxx

Im absolutly drained . They seem to have a thing about getting up at 5.45 and trying to get Kylie back to bed is a huge arguement :( .Chloes into absolutly everything and not eating her meals amd people are poking their noses in where it snt wanted or needed. Kylie well she has the biggest attitude problem ever , she really is pushing me to the limit. Daddy really doesent help matters and goes against most of the things i say GGRRR.

Was mothers day yesterday . Barry promised he would get up with the girls and let me have a lie in. 5.45 chloe was stood beside my bed i pretended to be asleep but barry woke me up and said chloes there she was asking for a bottle so i did her a bottle and we got on the sofa (chloe is not allowed in my bed) i got our quilt out covered her up turt the light off and cuddled up. She had her milk and started drifting off to sleep and kylie got up .I told her to go back to bed it was too early.She threw a full whack tantrum so then bary started and bam kylie didnt have to go bk to bed and he said he wasnt getting up with the girls for me GGRRR. Anyway i did finally get a card and pressies i got a lovely watch with special mum engaved on the back  and a heart necklace. Did the housework and thats pretty much it really boring i know .

Chloe had a check up with the health visitor today she is pretty much all good. She had a moan that i need to get her signed up for school ready to start in september :( and she says she shouldent be on the bottle anymore and i need to get her off it . :(

Since ive been off my tablets i havent really been sleeping properly i will adventually i will fall asleep but even then its as if i havent really slept . I got an appointment with my doctor tomorrow hopefully she can give me something to help me sleep a bit better lets hope . LOL

Hope everyone else had a lovely mothers day yesterday

Love Emz xxx

My nan seems to have something going on with her legs. I have been rubbing them for her to see if that makes a differance but it dont seem to be. She has been getting these horrible pains in her legs so painful she cant lie down. I asked the sister on duty why nans legs would suddenly go like this. ? but all she was going on about was pain relief . I told my aunt about this and she is going to follow it up over the weekend, they seem to think they can get away with not telling me things aboutm y nan. Its getting to a point everyday im turning up to tears because she is in so much pain. There is a few really nice carers there that my nan reallt likes and the guy is even better than me at getting her to eat . I think she has a little soft spot hehe, she isnt eating what good for her though. She is eating mainly ice cream. She is drinking ALOT  of warm full cream milkwhich is good as shhe isnt eating they are using that to keep her going.

Chloe had a fall on thursday. Kylie was stood on the sofa and sticking stickers on my window and chloe copied only chloe went up on the side of the sofa . I told them twice to get down. not concentrating on what she was doing she stepped down but she stepped down the wrong way. She instead took a flying lesson landing on daddys guitar equipment . OOPS. She landed face down leaving her with a grazed nose a grazed eye a black eye amd a fat lip. But after a 5 minute snuggle she was all fixed and ready to go zig zags

Kylie is all excited this morning . She and her sister are going shopping with daddy to get omething for mothers days . I will be glad for the peace . Kylie seems to be 5 going on 13. She lost her lego yesterday she refused to pick it up so now its mine for 24 hours. My biggest problem is that barry undermines me so much. He doesent like kylie being told off but i wont put up with her bad behaviour . I DONT smack her but i do punnish her if she passes the boundaries.

Anyway i better go get these girls their brekkie and get this washing and housework done

xxx

Dont you just really get annoyed when people whos kids have grown up think their kids were perfect. A friend of mine is driving me mad about my kids . My girls would not have touched my windows , my girls wouldent have answered back , my girls wouldent have came out of their room int he mornings untilli said it was time to gett up , my girls didnt have terrible 2's give me a break already. They must ahve ben presfect kids sorry but i dont think so,GGGRRRR . Yes my kids can be naughty but cant all kids? Yet m being lectured on the tiny things my kids do yet just last week she advised her own daughter she was making the right choice having an abortion, never would i allow my girls to have an abortion contraceptions there for a reason. Of course unless they were abused then it would be differant.

Come morning i have gone 1 week no anti depressants its really hard but im coping. Was meant to go doctors yesterday but barry woke up ill so i had to take kylie to school and had to cancelmy appointment and i have my last councelling session onmonday , then in the afternoon i got doctorsin the afternoon and decide where we go from here if i need more councelling ?

Nan well i was fumming when i left there yesterday i went to see her she was sat on the visitors chair skirt on the floor looked at me so sad hands in her lap. She said look . Poor thing was covered in poop sheh ad an accident and nobody had seen to her :( so i went and found someone to clean her up and  the nurse said to ring the bell . 2 nurses came in a young girl and a big oldish lady . I said my nans had a bit of an accident you should have seen her face she gave a huge sigh and told me to wait in the dining room while they sort her out and told the young girk to get it started . It reallly upset me ok it maynot be a pleasant job but she is paid to do it . She cant help it she has bowel cancer for god sake. She was so sad about it all. She isnt getting any better at all just getting weakwer and weaker she doesent talk to you just stares into space . Ijust wanted to pick her u p and take he rhome  . I hate seeing her like this its heartbreaking i just wish there was something i could do but i cant it sucks .

Luv Emz xxxx

So day 4 no anti depressants dont feel as bad as i thought i would actually . I was in bed by 8 laast night didnt really feel like socialising. But i did get a better nights sleep. I admit i dont think my doctor will be impressed though when i go and see her tomorrow cos she wanted to keep me on those ones i was taking . But i was too scared to take them after they made me so ill. Personally i think i am doing pretty good a bit gittery few more panic attacks and crying a bit more but hey its better than taking tablets all the time.

Kylie is going to the cinema today she is so excited. She tried she didnt want any brekfast cos she didnt want to be late for school and didnt want to miss the coach i after laughing my head off at her said its ok i will just give you a little bit and you have 3 houras before the coach even gets there. Ive tried giving her some sweets but no she wants to wait till she goes to the cinema for her popcorn .Funny thing she is. She wanted to get her coat on and go at 6.30 LOL .

Me and chloe are going to the play cafe tomorrow she loved it last time so hopefully she will do again tomorrow.Anyways im off barry is getting up so im gonna do some housework as we arnt talking at the moment.

Luv Emz xxx

Told my doctor the way ive been feeling over the weekend . She said it sounds like the sudden boost has given me side affects . So she wants me to not take any for the rest of the day (i had 1 on saturday and couldent take anymorei was so ill ) then go back to 2 a day . I see her thursday to see what contraception i can use with my zoladex as she doesent know. She then wants me to attend my last councelling appointment monday morning and off to see another doctor after that as to where we go from here.

Well i dont se the point ive been taking 2 and it really is no differant to 1 i stll think im a badperson , i still wake up wishing i hadnt , i still freak out at the stupest of things , im still having nightmares , i still hate going out , i still dont know who or what i have turned into , im still no closer to dealing with my miscarriage .

SO its time for a change its time i come off these tablets my doctor doesent wnt to change them i dont want to take these , im only just beginning to feel better i dont want to start feeling like that again. To me im no differant to when i started taking them 10 months ago so really whats the point ?

By the time im allowed anotherr one it will be 2 days since i last had one anyway so i may as well just carry on. I just feel everything i have done to help me get through this crap has blown up in my face. Something is telling me only me can sort this the last 10 months ive had 4 differant anti depressants and 8 councelling sessions 5 by my current phychologist i have 1 left and it will be decided as to what happens there monday afternoon.

So my doctor has zombified me. I swear this is from those tablets. Friday my doctor put my anti depressants up to 3 x 70mg a day. Though friday i only had 2 as i never got them till dinner time. I did the 3 yesterday i came over with a migraine and crashed woke up went to bed. I got up at 6 this morning chloe was stood at my bed . I chatted to her for a minute feeling a bit sicky. I got up to go toilet and i didnt make it that far i threw up al over the bathroom floor eewwwww.

So now i just feel really weak and sicky and keep having to run to the bathroom to be sick. Not fun. I tried eating but i cant so im gonna go see the doctor in the morning i havent taken any today in case it is them making me feel so bad. Though i dont get how 1 extra tablet a day can make me feel so bad .All ive done all day is lay on the sofa watching the kids play and changing the films. Im gonna go to bed soon. I just cant stay up feeling likethis. It feels as though i had a bottlte of vodka last night .Urgh.

After Kylies strange drawing last week she asked me today about the miscarriage and wanted to know who killed it? So we had a big long chat about that and that it just wasnt meant to be nobody did it it just happened bless her i think she understands now though at least i hope so. Not a conversation i would like to reeat again for a while LOL .

Luv Emz xxx

I dont know what is wrong with me . I just keep feeling sick pretty much since my councelling session on monday . I felt so bad when the kids went bed i laid on the sofa and ivee been asleep all night i neer woke up untill 10. But i suppose i did need it as im so tired at the moment apparantly i look dead nice huh ? I  have been ordered to rest. Oh damn.

But i have found a nice badge/magnet for my nan . Its so cool its flash and all and it says best nan in the world. She is giving up she has told me straight she has done her time , she has 3 beautiful daughters , 2 beautiful grandaughters , 2 beautiful grandsons , 2 beautiful great grand daughters and a beautiful great grandson coming in just a few weeks , she is an independant woman and needing people to help her wetting herself etc is all too much for her . The cancer is doing its cause as they say at the nursing home my nan seems to be preparing us for her death . She dont want the operation she just wants to go . The nurse rekons she knows she is going but trying to hang on to meet my cousins little on hopefully to arrive in 2 weeks.

I love my nan to the end of the earth . We are closer than close and when she does pass away its going to break my heart into a million pieces. But i will know its for the best and what ashe wanted. She is 77 and has had a good life. She has give me nothing but pure love . I wish i could make her all better but i cant .

Councelling was intense on monday but it has made me think about a few things, also woke me up to a few things , we spoke alot about the miscarriage so i have been really feeling it you know, my phychologist says i have to stop trying to block it out i need to think about it and talk about it and begin to come to terms with it . Not gett over it . For a while afterwards i blogged about it and spoke about it that way but then it stopped i locked it up and kept it that way, why? because it became too hard to face , i am too angry about it all . It came to  point where i wanted to hurt the nurse , i was blaming the wrong people myself , the nurse , ok so it wwas the nurses fault my miscarriage was so traumatic but it wasnt her fault i miscarried in the frst place .

Then i had a huge scare friday i found out this injection doesent actually cover me for contraception . Dont get me werong i would love a baby but now isnt the right time . Then i was anxious so i did a test and itcam back all funny my hormones must have been playing up but i started freaking out cos i wouldent know if i miscarried etc cos my injection stops me bleeding . So i repeated the test again today and it was negative PHEW  big relief i will go more careful from now on .

I need to speak to Kylies teacher tomorrow find out what she has been drawing at school, as tonight she drew me a picture of someone who had died her words . I  was really shocked . But im a bit worried she is following her mothers footprints barry says im over reacting but she is 5 ive never said anything about people ddying i wouldent put it that way; thing is her mother was really bad she would always sit talking to you about death and how she wanted to die but was scared of death go figure ?? maybe i am over reacting and this does sound silly but it can happen .

Social services arnt coming now they wrote to me and as long as i carry on with homestart they wont be acting on the anon complaints . I rang them up and spoke to the guy that came round here and told him about the letter as it said i refused something and he said i am fine as long as i keep  up with homestart and they cant force me to do anything else .

Luv Emz xx