My goodness what a day it has been . Not often i come home and open a bottle but today is one of those few times!!!

I took a sleeping tablet and i snored all night at long last i got in a good 7 hours. :) . I remember taking chloe on the sofa around about 6 and next thing i knew dad was giving the girls brekkie, Did kylies lunch etc and my dad took her to school. Then i quickly went to give Anne her birthday card and wished her happy birthday and she said she would do my hair for me :)

Back to mine and got into my mask haha and my outfit

Scrub up well huh? Yep you got it i did it i went and held my head high !!!! Nobody was stopping me not even my step father !!!!!!!

We headed off at 11.25 straight to the florists to get 2 single roses 1 white , 1 yellow . Unfortunatly they didnt sell sigle roses so i settled for 2 single pink carnations, They smelt beautiful and looked very much ike the ones she loved in her front garden.

Off to the christadelpian hall perfect timing I asked the funeral directors to put a carnation at her head . Ran in before they startedto bring Nan in . I wanted to be there 1st . The service was lovely we sang some lovely hymns which she would have very much apprieciated the lords my shepperd and the king of love my shepperd is. They also did some lovely prayers for nanny and spoke some words we gave robin of nans life which unfortunatly was very tough for her . After the family that had the decentcy to attend and friends of my nanny looked at some photos of my nan at all differant times in her life .

The chruch of england service started at 2pm . Iput the 2nd carnation the other side of where heer head would lie. More thorough service another couple of hymns were sang 1 of them being all things bright and beautiful (suited my nanny to the tea)  my auntie shared a poem actually it was the same poem used for the queens mothers funeral (england) also a coupleo f tracks were played between talking about my nannys life. we played .

In your light - Jon Allen

I cried for you - Katie Melua

Time after time - Ronan keating

Angels - Robbie Williams

The vicar blessed my nannys coffin and did another prayer . We all turned and said goodbye to nanny and walked away . She will be cremated somewhere un the next 24 hours .

RIP Nanny we will miss you forever more . You really were the world to me . You were always there for me NO MATTER WHAT !!! Now may you rest in peace free of pain and suffering , Me and you were 1 of a kind but there is now only me i will get strong and surivive but only because i know you are looking down on me , Untill we meet again at the gates in heaven I love you and goodbye!!!!

Also today i finally got to meet james who was born just 2 days before my nan passed away who she unfotunatly didnt get to meet. You so have to see he is just sooooooooo adoreable

Now just look at that proud nanny James is now 3 weeks old ooooo sooooo cute

Love Emz xxx

Do you believe ive been sat here nearly 2 hours now to find 1 download all so i can read an email . Sooooo frustrating. Barry gets on his PC and 5 mins and he found just what i needed. ARGH. See my auntie sent me an email about nans funeral forwarded from the preecher but the files are PUB files and ive been trying 3 days now LOL and i can not read them LOL. Apparantly they change to PDF files then i will be able to read it . Ah well its downloading now. just feel VERY stupid lmao.

Saw my phychologist today :) . Feel much better like a whole load has been lifted . I havent see her for 6 weeks. I couldent even remember where to go ? How silly lmao i arrived 5 mins late but she said it was ok I gave her time to drink her coffee lmao.

First off of course I told her my nan has passed away. So we hada big long chat about that . She said i am very much in the grieveing process and everything i am feeling is very normal considering how close i was to my nan . Also that i have done very well to have kept so strong , because i did go to see my doctor on the tuesday but it was asif she didnt have time to talk to me , she gave me sleeping tabs to have 1every 3 days and i ripped it up . She said she was sorry she couldent fit me in sooner .

She asked how it made me feel seeing my biological mother and sister for the 1st time in 5 years ? I told her i felt nothing but HATE as far as im conerned she gave birth to me that is all. It scared me that i could have such horrible thoughts of her i should love her but i dont vice versa.

She asked how i am going to do to be able to cope on the day of the funeral with them all being there i explained i have ALOT of respect for my nan and for her i will be polite and bite my tongue as before . She wondered how i would cope seeing bob (my pervert step father) for the first time since i reported I was honest and said i didnt know and wont untill thursday . But it does worry me i dont want to loose it once i have a few drinks inside me at the wake. But i said that i feel bad because i am not sure about the girls going i really dont trust him. I dont want him to as much as look at them he has never met chloe and thats how i woould like it to stay he did me alot of damage . Though i do feel safe myself  as he wont touch me with my dad and barry there .

I told her that i had a answer about the whole complaint thing. and she gets away with it. Though they do want me to complain again as they have no idea what happened to my remains and i have proof that they were NOT cremated at the crermatorium from may to september but i stressed to her that my nans passed away and i need to grieve for her . I cant possibly go through all that again so if they can proove they are TRYING their BEST to stop this happening to another woman i am prepared to drop it. Well sorta . So after i went to see karen (the matron) .

She asked how i am going to deal with all of this without my nan here as she knew i told her everything and shealways stood by me. I said i didnt know and that im already missing her sooo much she was very important to me and i explained how its so differant again to the miscarriage likewise to kellie . Kellie was murdered at 19 via heroin a long drawn out process it was nearly a year before she was burried . Miscarriage it broke my heart into a thousand pieces i felt awful i had a  iece of me missing but it was a piece that was inside which makes i a little easier to deal with . Then there is my nan broke my heart into a million pieces i have a part o me missing but also it hurts on the outside too and im finding it difficult refilling that space and i want her back .

Anyways im gonna go watch a film and then try and get some sleep , have to go and see my ddoctor in the morning apparantly .

Love Emz xxx

It really anoys me that nobody respects what my nanny believed in. So much there is now 2 funerals for my nanny. She was christadelpianand i believe that wasnt forced on her by the church anyway. I have fully researched it and asked her preecher all the questions under the sun . My nanny was faithful to the church and never missed a service right up untill her bowels took over. Because of this it makes e mad people cant respect what she believed in. The only people in our family going to the christadelpian service is my lot and my auntie mary and uncle tom. T-hat disgusts me !!!! Why cant they just respect what my nanny believed in . She was a true believer . As much as it hurts me she got baptized christadelpian telling the church she had no family i still respect what dshe believed in.

Anyways seems i aint been able to get online (long story) I havent been able to tell you the plans for nannys funeral. Soooooooooooo she is going to be cremated :( on 30th April . 1st service starts at 11.45 am the preecher had planned a lovely service for my nanny it truely is what shee would have wanted . Thgough we have changed it quite a bit and he wanted us to follow my nans coffin in but we both feel unable to do that we would prefer being the first there . Though we will follow it out, if we are up to it . We have been left to decide if we want to say anything about my nanny but we have given him memories we have and he is going to use some of his own which will be nice and we are going to prvide photos for himto put up and a big one of her at the front. We have even checked there are toilets close by to repair our makeup haha, afterwards we will hang around if nort too upset and chat to nannys friends and of course thank them for coming along andinvite them along to the wake later in the afternoon. At least me and auntie Mary can say we respected what she beleved in and we arnt any more religious than the rest of our family .

Then at 2pm its off to drakes (hardest part) for a church of england service .Where all family will be present (GULP) . Pretty much same as 1st service just the church of england vesrion of things. Then that is the last wew il see of her :( then she is taken to be cremated :( we then have towait 1 week for the ashes once we have them n hand we will arrange with immediate family children and grandchildren to gather again in ashburton where we have arranged half of the soil to be dug up from her mothers grave we will scatter the ashes in say our final goodbye then soil goes back over and she is finally ' reunited with her mother after 60 years' . Just what she would have wanted.

At 3pm we are gathering for a wake we have decided to do this in a pub as it wouldent be right to do it in any of our homes we will have a buffet and a few drinks to my nans life and what she did for us all . I have deciided not to take my kids to the services but i am thinking ofthem coming to the wake but as my step father is going to be present im worried about taking them dont worry im not scared hewont come near me wth my dad there,

Also on tuesday evening me and my auntie mary are going to see my nan in the chapel of rest . We decided to go together for support . To be quite honest im a bit scared about it , i mean i know she was dead the last time i saw her but that was the same day she died on the 10th she has been there over 2 weeks i donnt know what im gonna be facing now. I just have to remember no matter how she looks its still my nanny . :( .

I miss you nanny RIP MY strong cookie :)

Love Emz xxx

What i write in bold is my opinion.

I write further to your complaint about south devn health trust (the trust) and healthcare commission (the commission) . I have completed my assessment of your complaint and i am in a position to provide you with our decision. I am sorry thati have been unable to do so before now.

Your complaint

Your origional complaint tothe trust related to the care and treatment you recieved , as you believe that you were not appropiately treated when you had a iscarriage on 6 may 2008. You said thatin your opinion your experience of the trust was poor , due to it not prioritising your miscarriage and not treating you appropiately . You believe tht you were treated disrespectfully and were given the products of your miscarriage in a jar. When you tried to complain verbally you believe you were again treated with disrespect.

You have said that you dont believe that the commission have critically examined the detail of your complaint and did not hold the trust accoutable . You told me you would like the ombudsman to review your complaint and to provide confirmation that lessons have been learnt  from your complaint.

The ombudsan role.

I thought it would be helpful to clarify that the ombudsman 's role is to undertake independant investigations into complaints that the NHS has not acted properly , fairly or has provided a poor service. -There was previouslya threestage NHS coplaints process , which was followed when you made your complaint : local resolution by the body concerned , independant review by the commission and consideration by this office. The ombudsman does not consider that her role is to repeat an investigation that has been undertaken by the commission. Therefrore , in deciding to investigate a complaint , we first assess wheather the commissions handling of it appears to be reasonable .

With that in mind , the ombudsman willy usually only investigate a complaint where it appears that the commission have not acted properly ,fairly and their conclusions were unreasonable. We would also expect to see some evidence that the person affected had suffered an unremedied injustice as a result of the commissions actions and to be satisfied that an investigation by this office is likely to achieve a worthwhile outcome. Our consideration of your complaint has therefore focussed on the commissions handling of the matters put to them.

Our decision.

We have carefully considered your written complaint and the papers we have recieved , buti can see no evidence that the commission has reached unreasonable conclusions in relation to your complaints. I will turn to my reasons for that below but , for completeness , i have first set out a background of your complaint .

Background to your complaint.

You attended the trusts accident and emergency department (A&E) , with your partner on 6 may 2008 suspecting that you were miscarrying . Upon arrival , you were told to sit and wait . You said during your wait you soiled your trousers and were also passing small blood clots .

Yes i did say that i had soiled throug my trousrs while waiting over an hour but i was not clotting at this point just heavy bleeding.

When you approached the reception you were told to go to the nurses station to seek assistance. You explained that at this point you started going into shock as you begun to realise the reality of what  was happening. You spoke to a nurse who arranged for you to be taken to a room where you could have privacy.

Yes i admit i was taken to a room on the A&E department but only for 10 minutes max.

You were then examined by the nurse. You said  the nurse took your hand and told you that although bleeding in early pregnancy was normal  , given the volume of blood you were loosing the chances were that something was wrong . The nurse then put you on a drip.

Actually I didnt get examined untill after i had finnished miscarrying there was too much blood she couldent see a thing. Yes that nurse was very kind to me i am forever grateful for everything she did for me that night. At that point barry went to make a phonecall she mentioned getting a drip going but then decided to put me into resuss i had NO privacy there was a MAN in te next cubicle . That is where the drip was set up.

You were then taken to another room. You continued on the drip and were given liquid paracetamol and fluids .Your blood preasure was also taken . You said the nurse then left the room. -Another nrse etered and sat writting notes . She also left and two other women entered. At this point you were shaking as you were cold and upset as you were losing your baby. You said that one of the women , a gynaecologist then said to you its only a miscarriage.

No i wasnt taken to another room i was taken to resuss. There was no drip to continue but they did start one up. (actually there were 2 drips ) I agree i had paracetamol and fluids and i was als o given morphine orally. Yes i had my blood preasure done. The lady that did the blood preasuree was the only one i saw writting any notes. There were no 2 other women . Yes i was terribly shaken they had to put the sides up i was shaking so much i couldent put any clothes on untill barry got back with them they were covered in blood. Yes it was the registrar of gynaecology and she told me "Its OK its only a miscarriage" .

Once your drip had drained you asked to go to the toilet. You were informed that you were unable to walk to the toilet as there was a possiblity you would pass out. You were offered a commode. Whilst you were sat on the commode you noticed you were passing blood clots . You said that you passed a large clot which you suspected to be your baby. After your partner had left , the gynaecologist returned with a sample jar , hlaf wrapped in tissue . The gynaecologist then put this down on the table and infrmed you you had undergone a miscarriage . The gynaecologist passed the sample to you and said that the clot was the foetus . The gynaecologist then tried to examine you to ensure that the entire foetus had come away . You refused to do this untill yuor partner had returned. You were left with the specimen and your partner was contacted.

That is true i was busting for a wee and i was told i couldent walk but when the drip finnished they would bring me a commode and fair enough she did. I knew when the large clot came through that that waas it prgnancy over dreams shattered . I didnt ask to see my miscarriage I was already in pieces with what had already happened for her to give it to me was totally unfair and in my mind sick ad twisted . I mean who in the right mind would do such a insensitive thing?? Damn right i didnt let her examine me would you ? I had what should have been inside of my stomach growing i myhand proof i really had miscarried . Who would leave a mother with their remains i wanted to smash the darn thing on the floor. hoping it was all a dream and i would wakeup any minute but it wasnt a dream it was all happening for real.

You said that your partner returned with your father . You informed your partner that you had had a miscarriage . The nurse at this point took thesample jar from you and passed itto your partner. You were discharged from hospital at 23.15 . You said that you were disgusted at having the foetus 'shoved in my face' .

Yes he did previous to me going to the hospital i called my father to look after the kids though i later anted him there, she sure did take it from me i had it hidden (from barry) under my armpit she snatched it from me and gave it to him. I wasnt discharged at 11.15 i remmeber i was taken to the mccallum ward at 10pm they said i needed to stay there for 2 hours i was actually discharged at 00.15. Yes i was very disgusted and still am.I mean who wants their miscarriage shoved in their face??

You raised your concerns as a formal complaint in your correspondance to the trust of15 may 2008 . You told the trust that you had tried to raise your complaint previously but were told that you could not.

Thats also true i was told that i couldent complain because i had nothing to complain about .

 

I just cant get through all your coments but i really am gratefull . Just wish it was easier . We all had 4 months to ge our heads around the fact when they told her without surgery she would live 6 - 12 months . Then when she was unfit for her operation and they kept her in hospital and she was very ill we all knew in our hearts we wwere gonna loose her . Anyway she went into carisbrooke 17th febuary . We did this believing she would get better her pain would be controlled and we would have her home before she knew it . In the last few weeks she deteriated FAST in the end so much a phonecall had to be made to my mother to come as soon as posssible as we didnt think she would pull through (she was unconcious) later that day the matron pulled a meeting where we had to make ssome final decisions . As to weather we want to let her go , or haqve her admitted to hospital and resusatated and between the 3 of us we agreed my nan had suffered enough if we kept her going it wouldent be fair a she was already suffering and she would have had no quality of life left besides torbay qwould have killed her and if they did try to resusatate her they would easily brek her ribs (she got very skinny) . So that was our decision we let her go . After all she gave us she deserved that much.

Having my mum andsister around was really really hard. I really wanted to give her a piece of my mind. But at the end of the day as hard as it was i had to blank her out . You see im not as cold as her it ripped me apart but i did it . My nan needed us and she didnt need us to be arguing so i kept it civil for her sake . It still shocks me just how cold she can be to her own child.

You know something else she took nan in a load of family photos and you know she didnt take 1 of me not 1 as if i didnt even exsist i just dont know how she can do it i was her child weather she likes it or not. Just makes me so mad.

We are hoping today my auntie mary gets an appointment to go and see nan in the chapel of rest . Its just the 2 of us going my auntie jane and mum dont want to see but me i have to , I have to see she made it there safely. My auntire has taken in her fav blouse and blue cardi for her to wear, and for the funeral she is going to wear a lovely blue frock.

I must admit i am feeling like its going in 3's last year with the miscarriage this year with my nan . Who is next year ??? Chloe ???

Kylie is pushing it so much im on the verge of walking out the door . I swear she is trying to push me over the edge . Her behaviour is a absolute joke, the other morning she was up at 4.15 waking the whole neighbourhood i had to write them all letters of apology. I mean who wantds to be woke up at 4 in the morning by a child refusing to goto bed . screaming , shouting , crying younme it. Dont get me wrong i love her to bits but i cat handle er behaviour righjt now sheis making me suicidle. I tried confiding in my doctor how im feeling but to be honest she didnt eem she had time for it. Ive tried getting more councelling but all they can offer me is to see a bloke which i dont want to do , she has got in contact with my phycologist but she said it can take months. If i really wanted to see someone i could but they dont recommend it as you have to go through A&E and that will only make things worse. So looks like im left to deal with it on my own , she did give me some sleeping tabs though she said to rashen them as they are addictive and taek 1 every 3 days but i dont see the point in that so i ripped up the prescription .

I just want to scream but at least barry hasnt been able to give me any crap cos my dad has been ere since friday and isstaying untill i find out when im having my teeth out and if its the next few days he is gong to stay for that too. I had a pre assessment yesterday and they should be ringing me hopefully this week and it can be as soon as an hour before the admission time. So fingers crossed by next week i will have my new teeth :) so theres a positive hey.

Just a random pic can tell im stressed look at those horrible spots

Love Emz xxx

SOOOO its easter , happy easter everyone , i hope you all have a fab time with your families. With everything thats happened i am not doing easter this yeasr we are just going to have a game of easter egg hunt. You know for the sake of the girls ive gotthem a load of eggs too maybe the chocolate will take their minds from nanny.

Good friday will never be the same again . I wish i could have just 1 more hug . I know this is for the best and she is much better off now but that dont stop me missing her and wanting her back. She just went so quick it only took her body about 10 minutes to completly shutdown. It was horrible her arms went cornbeef like her legs did when she sat in front of the fire too long. :(

Who am i meant to look up to now. ? It feels weird not going up to see her cos she aint there. She is in the chapel of rest. I been trying to keep myself busy but im running out of things to do im doing an easter egg hunt with the girls when they have finnished their brekkie i got them this egg with a little plate , knife toast stamper and a cup chloe had winne the pooh , kylie had little miss naughty . I just wanna curl up and forget about the world but i cnat i gotta be mum

 

First of all I want to say to all those that have shown both me and my Nan fantastic support the last 6 months you guys really have been amazing i really dont know what i would have done without you . It really means alot to me.

As the title says Nan is now resting in peace. She passed away avout 3.11pm today. She had her 5 girls there we all got to say goodbye .Her kidney burst this morning and it seemed since that injection her twitching stopped pretty much so did she :(  She waited for my auntie jane which was lovely about 20 mins after she arrived her hands went from blue to purple . At that point we closed nans doorand rang the bell. Sister came in had a look and she said if you look at her feetthey will e purple too her body is now shutting down . She will be gone soon. My sister had her shoulder , i had her hand , mum had her funny foot , mary had her hand with me (she was amazing  to me today) and jane had her other hand we all told her she was loved and before we knew it she was gone. We spent some time with her and was giving her hugs and kisses and all whispered our last words in her ear.

We left so theycould straighten her out when we came back she looked beautiful they changed her night dress , brushed her hair cleaed her up and they put a yellow rose on her chest she looked like sleeping beauty.

I am missing heralready . I feel so lonely and empty , we were a team me and her.But she is suffering o more

RIP Nanny i will love you FOREVEER and NEVER  forget you xxxxx

my nan is in her last few hours so i am going to be with her xxx

LOL I thought he was funny LMAO.

Ah well its midnight here in the UK and here I am blogging LOL . But i gathered I may as well seems I aint gonna be getting much sleep tonight , im so worried about my nan i cant get her out of my head. I just want to be with her the whole time. My nan went from friday untill monday with no sleep. She was screaming out in pain. So today they have set her up with morphine she can have it orally (although not possible atthe moment ) she has this thing connected to her with morphine in and ifneeded she can have an injection too. they are giving her some diazipam tonight too.

Its almost as if she is in a coma :( She has slept right from last night all day today doesent even wake up when she is being washed etc, she knows w are there . She can hear us , but she cant open her eyes and cant speak to me i guess she is out of fight but she was trying to say something to us though. I still wonder what it was, ? She is so beautiful yet so fragile.

We had to sign this form today. My nan has reached a point where she isnt eating or drinknig . She cant take tablets etc if they put a tablet in her mouth follwed by some water she is gonna choke. The nurses arnt comfy giving her anything while she is in this state, so as of today no more anti biotics no more tablets just letting her rest she only whimpers but she is asleep .

She could go at any time now hopefully peacefully in her sleep she will stop breathing, we dont wish for her to be taken to torbay hospital or for her to be resusatated just let her go and contact us immediatly no matter waht time it is, now im sat here brain is ticking over watching the phone expecting it to ring :( .

So call was made to my mother this afternoon as much as i hate her i do feel sorry for her being 144 miles away and she is so upset and emotional she says she cant come down on her won so its gonna have to be thursday i just hopeshei snt too late .

We have a meeting about it all tomorrow morining to clear up any questions or worries we might think of . Just so hard i thought i had prepared myself for this but obviously not. Im a mess .

Anyway im gonna do the dishes take my mind off of it i need totry to get some sleep at some point tongiht maybe i will do a bit of mintinig first . I dont know what im doing really my head is upside down . :(

Sorry itsso depressing from me this time

Love Emz xxx

Workmen are driving me nuts !!!!! Never get a new heating system fitted unless its urgent (of course) really not worth all the bother. Dont get me wrong im not the tidiest person inthe world but seriously if they make any mor mess im gonna cry :( starting from the living room my fireplace has been ripped out quite literally. We are left withhalf a painted wall and half bricks and cement , then they ripped out the radiator where they hve put a new one in there is ne pipework and i have a hole the size of a golf ball in my wall :(  , in th e kitchen they have put the new boiler and meter in my aering cupboard so now i need to find somewhere to put all the towels and coats then there s the piping all round the ceilinggetting dust over absolutly everything. the bathroom isnt too bad exept for the fact there is dust all in the cat litter so i need to chage that too , my bedroom was as bad as the kitcen , chloes room well they have done alot of piping in there and they have had all their tools in chloes room overnight the last 2 days so i had to move chloe into kylies room , in kylies room i moved their toys first andstill they managed t get their toys coveed in crap , plus we have not had any heating or gas for 2 days now  and we are using the emersion which is costing us £5 a day just to bath the girls and myself and doing the dishes already tonight ive had 3 splinters in my foot. GGRRR no matter how much i clean it all away there just seems to be more andmore

well im gonna TRY and go to bed gotta take the dogs ot firstim so tired ive been up since 4am. I went to bed aftr puttingchloe down last night after a big row witth barry and didnt wake up til 4am and that was only cos i was being pushed in the face GGRRR well at least i had time to wake up before the kids got up.

-Love Emz xxx