So now im beginnning to worry im having my teeth out next wednesday (yipee) . But they wont knock me out the way im coughing but the doctor wouldent give me anything for it i hope by monday my doctor is back from holiday she will give me some relief. My chest is killing from the constant coughing. All the dr did is gave me a pot to spit in and said half fill it with the stuff your bringing up . Oh and he said put my head in boiling water not literally but just over the top of it with a towel over my head . Thats not working though i need drugs to sort it my immune system is so low right now.

The damp tha was in Chloes room has been repaired apparantly. I will be the judge of that LOL. But they wouldent touch the other wall . -They say its preassure the whole wall is cracked and its blown out like a balloon. I showed my housing manager when she came round on friday and she told me to stay away from it and she would get it sorted . Mind you she has been saying that since october or now my wall is about to explode are they actually going to do something about it. ??

She finally gave me permission for my dog though only 1 of them so that means we cant have buster back here even if we want to cos they can take the permission away if you betray it.BUT  shhe also brought this support worker round. ??? she expects me to see this woman !!!!!!!!!!!! I got mad no offence to this support worker but i have all the support i need . At the moment im finding it hard to trust anybdy and new support workers arnt going to help. Im already involved with homestart , surestart and my phychologist that is enough for me . Do they not realise how bad my anxiety is at the moment !!!! Nicky has even told her about my miscarriage and my nan . She said she could takem y miscarriage further and she could get me REAL  help about my nan !! Like its none of her nuisness why cant they get i just want to be left alone ????

The miscarriage is over with simple as !!!!! Wheather they think its wrong or n ot i do too but the trust say differant ive took all the avenues possible well most of them i could have took it 1 step further but instead i decided to let go !!! That was a big choice for me it meant facing up to the fact she walks free . Yes she still get to nurse pregnant women BUT imagine the guilt she must feel everytime she deals eith a miscarriage she has to also deal with the guilt of giving me the remains of my miscarriage she has to deal with that forever and i hope it hurts her as much as it hurts me.

As for my nan she can go take a flying jump!!! She doesent have the first clue my phychologist helps me just fine . She doesent judge me , she listens to what i have to say  , she doesent pity me , she helps me realise whats real and whats not , she doesent force me into anyting and best of all she believe in me and sees the love i have for my child she sees how amazing she is through her mothers eyes

Yep sick again. No rest for the wicked huh? I had a rough night chloe woke up screaming at 11.30pm . I think she is having nightmares :( she wakes up absolutly screaming to the point anne rang and asked if she was ok. Then when i get to her room she clings to my neck for her dear life. I can try try and try to get her back down but she wont so i put her in my bed. Then at 3.30 barry come to bed in a huff and woke us both up. She was then hard to get back off to sleep around 5.30 i think we went back to sleep.

I woke up t 8am threw my guts up so badly i was struggling to breathe. Chloe then informed me she didnt want brekkie (my dad got up with the girls) and she handed it to me . I wwas not suprised though as she had a little bit of cereal drowning in a bowl of milk quite literally .

I got online for a bit then I just started to feel worse and worse so itried to do some housework and took some stuf anne had left behind and a cardi she lent me for my nans burial . Its nice having friends the same size as you :) . I came home coz i felt real bad when i got home i was straight to the toilet and sick again. :(.

I gently asked barry if i could get in the end of his quilt as i was feeling poorly. (we had a row last night and he slept on the sofa) . He said it was ok so both me and chloe got in hehe. Apart from getting up to be sick i was asleep untill gone 5. The girls were looking after me . -They were ever so good they took it in turns to look after me.LOL.

To top it off I still have this so called viral infection. It is really killing my chest . Im constantly coughing and everytime i cough its pulling my chest. So im gonna pop back and see her tomorrow and ask her for some anti biotics costhis aint going away on its own i need anti biotics. I think my body is just so low at the moment my body wont budge it.

Lets face it I dont exactly eat much . I only ever eat sausages and beans only meal i can eat anything else im heaving . So really what can 1 do. I guess i should count mysself lucky to be able to eat sausage and beans at least this way i cant totally starve myself. Maybe 1 day i will get my appetite back. Strangest thing is ive never liked sausages or beans and no im not pregnant LOL .

I will shut up now im waffling again lmao.

Love Emz xxxx

Me and the girls

Kylie stood next to nannys grave and daddy .

My nans grave . Today i took her white roses and carnations. The carnations are in between the mum and nan flowers which are as you can see dying LOL. The roses are at the bak stood up I THINK IT REALLY FINNISHED THE LOOK :) The one with the big leafs onn believe it or not WAS- roses butthey too are dying. I will take them away when i go again in the week.

Ahhhh me and my baby girl

Ah BT  cut me off :( I rang up on monday to get the mac code so i could change providersand changed over to O2. They can offer me a far better deal. Monday night at 9pm boom no internet wah wah wah. I was hoping that when the new equipment turnt up it would be turnt on but it isnt connected yet. So last night i talked very nicely to anne and she has leetus connect to her nternet on wireless.YAAAAY!!!

All is done at my nans now. Her house is pretty much empty just a few wardrobes a bed bedding pirate dishes cutlery books etc. Only thing i need to go back for is to help my auntie rip up the carpets . She thinks there is something under there and dont want it to be the churchthat find it LOL. Anything is possible believe me ther have been guns and all sorts . Ibrought a bag of bedding home the other night and i really dont want to wash it cos it all has her scent :( . Really miss her so much im finding life so hard without her if only they had picked it  up earlier she would proberly still be here now.

I changed mine and the girls rooms around the other day we got rid of chloes single wardrobe and i have put bedding in it and she now has m y old double wardrobe andi have my nans double warbrobe. I like nans better it has a mirror on it and its a beautiful pine and humungus.Looks so much better now though i could have done with a hand but barry and my dad were busy on runescape!!!

Me and chloe are sick. We went to the doctors yesterday and they said we had a viral infection LOL . I thought Chloe hmight of had a chest infecton as like mine hers is right on her chest. Chloe has been spending alot of nights in our bed .Barry was not impressed at all.

BUT Chloe goes in her big girls bed tonight we have been having them in the same room all week . Its been a nightmare they have been up untill like 10pm. Very late for 2 little girls. But im going to put Chloe in first and wait for her to fall asleep and if need be put kylie in my bed for a while. Not going to let chloe nap either she slept from 10pm last night so that dhould not be a problem anyway.

Ah well i best get on with my housework I have so much washing to do aswell :( . No rest for the wicked hey. It just never seems to stop . Ah well moaning about it isnt getting it done LOL .

I hope you are all well I will catch up on all yur blogs later when its quiet and the kids are in bed haha .

Love Emzxxxx

Katie Melua - I cried for you.

This song was played at my nannys funeral and if you listen to the words it really is beautiful so is her voice I love hearing her voice it really relaxes me. I find the words in this song very true for my feeling s at the moment.

In case the video dont work

"I Cried For You"

You're beautiful so silently
It lies beneath a shade of blue
It struck me so violently
When I looked at you

But others pass, the never pause,
To feel that magic in your hand
To me you're like a wild rose
They never understand why

I cried for you
When the sky cried for you
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter
But this life was not for you
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper

I'll cross the sea for a different world,
With your treasure, a secret for me to hold

In many years they may forget
This love of ours or that we met,
They may not know
how much you meant to me.

I cried for you
And the sky cried for you,
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you,
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper

Without you now I see,
How fragile the world can be
And I know you've gone away
But in my heart you'll always stay.

I cried for you
And the sky cried for you,
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you,
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper
That beauty need only be a whisper

Beautiful song . I hope some of you enjoy it too .

Love Emz xxx

Weather it is liked or causes arguements or not. Ive played nice all the way through this and enough is enough . My aunt mary rang the other night and gave me all the arrangements for the burial on friday. In our phonecall i briefly remember her saying something about m y mother getting her flowers MUM & NAN  from the whole family. Well i know how spiteful my mother is so i decided i was still getting my nanna yellow pink and white roses. I decided i was doing this weeks ago. Then last night i got this email .

Hi Emily   It was good to talk to you on Thursday evening and I hope you are all getting over the bug you were suffering from.  These things drag you down at the worst times.   I confirm that arrangements have been made with Maunders, the funeral directors, for your Nan's cremated remains to be buried in her Mother's grave in the cemetery at St Andrew's Parish Church in Ashburton on Friday, 15th May at 2pm when The Reverend Philip Darby will lead a brief ceremony at the graveside for close family.  This old parish church has a website www.trescore.co.uk/church/standrews.htm.   Your Mother, Sister and Bob will also be attending from Swindon and your Mother has organised flowers for the whole family which will say MUM and NAN in white flowers (roses and chrysthanthemums or similar) and a few yellow roses with yellow ribbons which they will bring with them.  You do not need to bring other flowers.    Tom will be coming, as well as Jane and Les.   I would offer you a lift but I will be going straight from work near Totnes and Tom will be coming straight from work from Teignmouth.   At a later date, we shall be arranging for the grave headstone to have the following wording added for Nan:   Also   Ruth Amy Milden (nee Worth)   Died 10th April 2009   Aged 76   Re-united with Mum   I attach a photo of the grave after we placed the coffin spray there on 30th April.   With lots of love to you all,   Mary   x x x  

Well it is nice to see that my 2 flowers i took to each service are by the headstone :) . BBUT  I am taking nanna flowers if its liked or not, I wasnt allowed toget them for the day she got cremated and im not allowed for when she gets scattered she is MY nan and nothing they do is gonna change that, My mother will put those flowers from everyone but me , They make me sooo mad

Oh and my dads not allowed to go eiteher so what gives les , tom , bob and barry the rights to be ther ???? ARGH  i hate my mother soooooooo much xxx

Love Emz xxx

I think im hitting destruction !! LOL. I admit I am a strong  person BUT I have hit a point where im not sure i canbe strong anymore, I even told my support worker on the phone yesterday I am really finding life hard right now.Crap just seems to keep coming from each direction.

Kylie came home from school friday constantly talking to chloe about sex. 5 at the time i was disgusted . I growled at her to stop using words she doesent know the meaning of . I said it was a word for big girls. Her reply shocked me. But mum i do know what sex is its when a boy and girl takes their clothes off and rubs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG WHO ON EARTH TOLD YOU THAT ?????? Guess what its came from school. So that had my blood boiling all bank holiday weekend. I can tell you her teacher wass VERY shocked when i confronted her,

Sunday  was my birthday. I wasnt looking forward to it to say the  least. I knew i wasnt going to get my blank card, :( . But I was told i had to celebrate my birthday this year more than any other year cos nan wouldent want me to miss out on my birthday. So i got barry to get me some new clothes i chose. You should have seen some of the stuff he wanted to buy me .  I brought myself some malibu. Hahaha. The only other thing i asked for was a lie in i havent had a lie in since chloe was born. Believe it or not i got my lie in. It was beautiful i got up and hurdled on the sofa with my duvet. Barry doubled up in pain with his balls so no day out for me so i sulked for the day and got on with the housework washing etc, Untill the kids were in bed then out came the malibu lol. I was absolutly slashed untill chloe woke up and had puked everywhere. I soon sobered up and i was up with her till 3am with her puking. I put a towel on my bed just in case she threw in the  night or whatever and put her into bed with me. Then yesterday kylie was sent home having been sick my first thought was utoh here we go again as chloe has been pooping liquid since, but kylie seems to be over it and is much better today, Chloe did eat some dinner though so hopefully she is on the mend.

Apparantly and that is just apparantly i have to get rid of my animals but my response is take me to court at least that way i cann find out where all these complaints are coming from. I almost reduced the housing manageer to tears over it the otherr day, No way am i getting rid of my animals. My girls have just lost their nanny and if they think im gonna take their cats and dogs away from them they have another think coming. Pepsi we had when we moved in same as the cats, Pepsi we rescued from a lady whos husband beat her so she is very nervous of other people. podge and shy we have had since they were 6 weeks old upto 6 mnths ago they were house cats when this same woman made me get my cats spaded or i would have to get rid of them so i did get them done they made me go to homestart and see a support worker and be involved with surestart activities i did that too and im stilll getting crap from them . Buster well thats pepsis baby mind you i have hid him at my dads just in case they bring a dog warden round when my 14 days is up.

Nanny is being buried into her mothers grave 15th May at 2pm . I just want it over to be honest. My heart is aching sooo much and the girls really do need to say goodbye . It will only be immediate family and partners attending me and barry my aunts and my mother , step dad and sister.

I have my teeth out 10th june too which is great

Anyways im off to bed now night xxxx

All I can say is IM EXHAUSTED !!!!! She has just popped out with daddy hopefully when she gets home she will be going bed . I was going to put her to bed but she had a highschool musical cake and it made her VERY VERY hyperactive. LOL .

1 thing i am pleased about this year though . She didnt get all upset that her mother never sent her a birthday present :) in fact she never even noticed :) . Thats my girl strong at heart. So Kylies a BIG 6. WOW  where have the years gone ?????

She couldent wait to get into her presents and cards this morning . She was over the moon with her presents. After brekfast etc we took kylie to sainsburys as she was busting to get sum new shoes to go with her new dress and short sleeved jacket . We actually came back with 2 pairs (she is starting young lmao) she got some highschool musical flip flops and some highschool musical trainers and she had to finnish it by getting some charlie and lola socks lol and she still has £20 left .

We played some more and then  wet over to the rainbow house .http://www.rainbowfunhouse.co.uk/

The girls LOVED it it was nice just a shame older kids got a bit rough in the under 4's area they were around 7 and climbing on top all the softplay and 1 boy was throwing this soft play chicken up the slide while my chloe was waiting to come down i told him quite abruptly to STOP  throwing it up the slide my 2 year old is trying to get down and he was scaring her she wouldent get down in the end kylie came to the rescue and got her down again.

Our lunch there was lovely the girls at e the lot haha and even made room for a dougnut afterwards though chloe asked me to put he rs in the bin once she had had all the icing haha cheeky monkey.

Then we came home around 4pm and i made some buffet food as i didt really expect them to eat much they ate loads all day long. So i figured if i did a buffet a majority of it will be eaten.As i figured they barely touvhed it . So it was onto the cake YUM YUM . She had a highschool musical cake and as you can imagine it was FULL of colour so we had a very very hyper child or 2 lmao .

Believe it or not she is still going for it in there she has been up for the toilet 3 times in  like 20 mins . I keep catching her outta bed and at the computer screen GGRRR she is supposed to be watching highschool musical IN BED !!!!!!

Gonna be an early one tonight i think with a couple of sleeping tablets LOL . Apparantly im gonna get a lie in tomorrow ?? I shall believe that when i see it . I will upload some pictures later i just cant be bothered to find the cable right now . Id rather just sit here quietly .

Love Emz xxxx