Not impressed when i spoke to the doctor today. I only got her to phone me this morning to get something that will make me feel like i have a full tummy and stop me getting any skinnier. She wasnt impressed that all i have eaten in 4 weeks is bolognaise sauce and grateed cheese and ice cream . Although I am making up for it in fluids she wants me to have a blood test !!!

AAAHHHHH . This sucks. She wants to make sure my kidneys etc are still coping and working. She said it was nothing to worry about she just wants to check that and keep a eye on t all untill im eating again . -If the bloods come back ok . She is gonna give me some build up drinks (like my nanny had ) and stop me looking so anorexsic . Seriously its that bad I lost my appetite when i had my miscarriage its just ive lost loads more now that i cant eat hardly anything.

Im currently wearing size 8 trousers and as soon as i do the button up the just fall straight back down . I have to wear the belt on the 7th hole.My hips are sticking out and so are my ribs and you can see my cheekbones. I am not bothered about being skinny but this skinny is disgusting,

I didnt end up getting m stitches out today. Not hapy about that . I told barry he had to be home by the latest of 3.30 so he could watch the girls while i had my stitches out . He promised he would be back but at 3.40 i rang him continuously for the nxt 10 mins by which time i would ont have made it if i left any later so i had to ring up and cancel . i asked if i could get my stitches done at the same time as my blood test but she said she is fully booked but if i ask he when i see her she may just do it for me.

Barry has to be back at CAB tomorrow at 9am and my appointment is at 10.20 and i have arranged for my support worker to come over at 11 so im gonna ring her in the morning nd reorgaibize it.

Well i suppose i better go to bed its late. xx

I cant wait !!! Im so excited its sad really !!! But after 4 weeks it gets kinda annoying and way unomfortable. I try and brush my teeth and all you have is stitches in the way. Plus I have my denture mould done on 20th july and i need my gums to be tough. But first off I need rid of these stitches .

I rang up the doctors this morning and the receptionist said thy couldent help me there are no available appointments. Well i wasnt having that so i told her how its not fair for them to leave this as i cant get an appointment with my dr either. I am loosing weight FAST and I cant eat much and what i do manage i am literally swallowing and stitches are going down my throat i have to suc them back out .

So she said she would get the nurse to call me back to give me some advice as to what to do about these stitches ?? about 30 mins later the nurse called me back . I explained its been 4 weeks and i cant eat with these stitches and i keep swallowing them etc.

Right away she said we need to get it sorted she explained that although they are disolveable they dont always disolve. 4 weeks on the should be disolved but they arnt so tomorrow at 4 I have to go in and she is going t ocut them she will just cut every stitch and then they should just comeo ut in my mouth within 24 hours. YAY .

It wont be long and all of this will  be over . If everything goes according to plan I should have my dentures in a month . Now isnt that cool. So so excited im like a kid waiting for their birthday to arrive LOL .

Love Emz xxx

Thing is I dont think she wants to come home. You see this is the 8th day she has been out there. I thought it was because she got used to using the scaffolding as a way out and in, Podge has been gone for now the 8th night as she is running away and wont come to me for nothing not even food. Shy was gone 4 days ago .

Then this morning out of the blue days of looking to see nothing I was just realising they were gone for good. Around 7am I heard MEOW MEOW MEOW. I ran to the window to see podge stalking down the grass . I ran to her in excitement and what do you kno she scarpered into the bush, DAMMIT. Then out comes running shy she was really scared . Barry came out bribed her with food she tried to run away so he had to quickly grab ahold of her  tail (not hurting her) and picked her up once she was secure in his arms she was  ok.

Unfortunatly i cant say the same for podge she is uncatchable im not sure she wants to be caught . Barry had her earlier thi s evening and she attacked him quite literally she was biting and scratching him she shred him to pieces he had to let go . Ive been out every 30 mins and as soon as she seesme or hears me even when i have food for her then back off she just runs of. Im 90% sure she has been in somebodys house and they have mistreated her cos this isnt my cat she is scared just like podge was its breaking my heart.

I dont want to go to bed knowing she is outu there and not even her sister to protect her . But what can i do if she doesent want to come home???. She must be starving and she appears to have a sore leg . I wish she would let me look at it. I wish she would come to me or just come home would do me. Either way i dont mind as long as she is with me and safe .

Shy though is lapping up the fuss . She is a very loving cat so has missed her attention . She is sat on the computer chair with me asleep . Bless her. She has eaten for england . But  she is now grounded she keeps meowing looking at the windows but it isnt happening no way is she going bck out . We have decided she is now indoors for at least 1 week .

My poor kitty !!! They are MINE 100% I take full responsibility for them  i do everything from their cat litter to takig them to the vets, Ive had them over 2 years now they are sisters. Barry brought them home one day as a suprise . I had a cat when i was 16 my foster parents brought me it cut a very long story short my stepfather who BTW is a very cruel man catknapped it only 4 days later because it scratched me i dont think i need to say anymore than he killed it . Barry knew this and i oved the suprise and I love my cats so much i just want my podge back.

Anyway I really should start thinking of heading to bed its nearly 1am already .

Night x 

Yep she is 3 it was her birthday yesterday. She had an awesome day. First off right before brekfast she ripped all her presents open!! When she saw her bike her face was a picture though getting her to actually ride it is quite a mission at the moment but i sure she will get there . She took it into the carpark to try it out though after 5 minutes she got off and refused to get back on LOL .

After dropping Kylie off at school we got ourselfs orgainised and Anne made up a little picnic and we jumped in the car and went over to newton abbott and took Chloe to decoy for the day. She had so much fun. First of all we went into the park while daddy and Anne took the dogs round the woods. Chloe loved the slides the best i think she went on 4 differant slides . I was trying to get her to go in the water sprinklers but she was having none of it  . I dont think she wanted to get her new clothes wet LOL .

Wild tiger she is !!!!

Then we went and sat down in the field so that Chloe could have some lunch she was happy with her picnic . Of course i didnt have picnic and everyone felt bad coz they could all eat and i couldent LOL .

Then we headed on round the lake to feed the ducks . Chloe loved the swans the best. I did too they were so friendly . Barry had them eating out of his hands . Chloe was too scared to try she said it was going to bite her . Which i was rather pleased about as they had their babies and i know how they can turn,But i must say these were the most friendly i have ever seen they even allowed their babies to come up in front and they didnt even hiss at us.

On the way out we all got an ice cream YUMMY . She los tthe end of hers so i gave her the rest of mine the sh blackmailed daddys out of him too haha little piggy. She is 3 afterall though i didnt expect her to eat 3 ice creams aha.

Then we headed home in time for Kylie kicking out of school . As we got home Grampy wa walking down the street she ran to him or a birthday hug . When Kylie ot in from school she woke Chloe up she had fell asleep no suprise there it was a big day gfor her she woke up at 5.30 really excited. We were woke up to kylie singing chloe happy birthday LOL . Then when she finally gother to wake up she gave her a card she had made her at school.

Then Barry and my dad took them to the beach while i tidied up cooked the girls dinner and stuck candles in the cake. They got back just as i had finnished . The cake was real yummy apparantly . Chloe got to eat the face of Mr catterpillar FULL of colours . Yes it took a little while to settle her down she was VERY hyperactive .

My babys growing up :) into an eve bigger Princess :) xxx

So yesterday i went to see my phycologist . Works out i only have 1 session left . So now i need to decide weather i am ready to stop councelling altogether or i can go every 4 weeks to ease myself out of it. If im honest at the moment im not sure what I am going to do but i am thinking of just giving it up altogether. I dont see the point in going every 4 weeks its too long to each appointment so i would rather not bother at all and just go back to doing it all on my own .

Meant to be going to the zoo this afternoon with the key worker but im not gonna go. That woman is really doing my heead in and she is going to findthat out today if she didnt notice yesterday. She even wants me to go shopping and get some picnic bits and make up a picnic to take along with us. So everybody else can have a picnic whle i am weak and starving cos i havent been able to eat for 2 weeks now.

Instead im going to get chloe some birthday presents as she hasnt got anything yet and its her birthday thursday. Not even my dad likes her. While i was out yesterday  she wwent over the park and starting probing my ddad to try and get some info about my past . Untill she realised he doesent know anything . Shame on her.

I- cant se me lasting much longer with this key worker She is really doing my head in I am on the verge of telling her to go get knotted. Its too intense  and she doesent have a clue what its like for me se has made that obvious.

Anyway im going cos i need to get myself orgainised . I really need to sort chloes birthday out such a bad mummy i am !!

It is driving me nuts im just about ready to smash my computer up right now. It just seems to take foreveer to load . I seem to be falling asleep waiting for it to load. ARGH !!! It doesent happen on any other pages i can access my hotmail in seconds but minti NO !!!!!

Well my mouth is heaps and heaps better today. YAY . So better that i havent needed any solubles or medicine. How good is that . No pain relief at all now that how i like it. Heres a few pics from the morning after surgery.

See there you go proof I DID IT hahaha. But my god I look awful . Mind you I cant expect to look a million dollars after having most of my teeth out can i ? Ah well it dont look that bad now . I wasnt going to share the pics but ithought what the hell you guys have been amazing and have put up with all my wingeing about it so i thoght you may as well see what i was moaning about LOL. But hey who cares cos in a month to 6 weeks i will have teeth again and then I WILL  look a million dollars. Haha. Today ive beeen able to get a proper look in there (i can ope my mouth a bit wider now) and down where i think there may be or have been some infection going on under the stitches which BTW are breaking YAY  there is a huge hole . They must have had to cut right into the gum to getthe root (the tooth was missing it was just a stump i think ? ) maybe that is why i had so much pain down there . Remember yesterday i said that i had white stuff covering my gums ? well today all that is gone again well not gone its coming away it is actually under the stitches they must haave put something in my roots before stitching them up and thats what it is as the stitches are breaking its coming tfree and the gum is healing GREAT !!! So yeah no complainnts aboutm y mouth today of course its sore but not enough to take any meds for it .

Myself and Chloe are going to meet her nursery teacher on monday :( so sad i sooooo soooooo dont want her to go to school yet. She is still my baby . But it seems to be a BIG thing for her and she is really excited about it :) . I am happy for her but sad because I am going to miss her sooo much. The only time i am ever away from Chloe is if she is in bed or if i go to a appointment oh and the last few days of nans life cos i didnt want her to go without saaying goodbye and of course it would not have been right to take her as she is far too young for that. She could either go for morning and stay for lunch  , all afternoon no lunch . or 2 and a half days so i decided to go for afternoons as tempting it was that i wanted chloe to do mornings but i dont want her to stay for lunch she doesent need lunch she needs education i would much prefer if she gets the full 3 hours in the classroom . She is very forward and hass been ready for nursery for a few months now. I take her to alot of parenting groups and she loves it so i know she will just love school . Just not sure how she will handle the seperation thing . -When i have to leave her she clings to my legs and pulls herself up me into my arms but i am hoping when she sees all the other children she will just go.

My  keyworker is still bugging me about my past . So now im  playing dumb i have already told her its stuff that i discuss with my phychologist only . So now ive said that i dont remember the past its all a blur . I said it was behind me and thats where i would prefer it stays . I will be telling my phychologist about it on monday too . I do talk about my past but when it suits me . I dont want her pity i dont need her pity . I know she wants me to tell her why i have no contact with my mums side of the family except my aunties but it aint happening if she wants to know enough she would do  the decent thing and get the info she so say needs from my phychologist. I tell my phychologist and i write about it here but thats only cos i feel comfortable to do so and i dont feel comfortable telling her about it .

Anyway i will shut up now cos im rambling again haha (whats new?)

Now maybe this wont take forever to save PLEASE

Love Emz xxxx

NOT  !!!!!!!!!!  You would think being in my situation I would b able to at the very least get a bit of advice from a dentist ?? -But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . Ive spend the last 24 hours trying so far ive come up with .......NOWT nobody wants to help me

This is actually drawing me to tears now. I wanted this done for so long iam disappointed. Now im scared something is going wrong with the healing and i cant get any help or advice. Ive even now gone to the legnths of asking torbay hospital to help me.

Well all the nurses on day surgery are in a meeting at the moment and they are gettng a nurse to call me back. ASAP. All thhat is going n is that im in agony.

I havent a clue what i am to expect this is the first time ive ever had a tooth extraction or shall i say teeth seems i only have 9 left LOL. But where my 2 front teeth were origionally i seem to have a bloody gunk i tried pullling it away with a bit of tissue but it seems to be stuck to a scab that is healing those stitches have come away so i dont want to pull the scab any so ive left it. Plus today i seem to have a layer on top of my gums which is white ? im not sure if that is healing or sign of infection i dont know plus the right corner is a bit mucky like the dr said yesterday.

I just wish they would hurry up and ring instead of sitting here waiting in limbo. Its been 9 days now and im getting a little fed up with being in pain and i really wanna eat some proper food but unless i can just swallow it i cant eat it. I have so little in my stomach my bowel seems to be rerjecting it and its giving me dhiaria and everytime i drink it pulls on my stitches .

Just TOTALLY  fed up for god sake come on phone RING  and be advice for MY MOUTH  !!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Love Emz xxxx

What an intense week it has been. I really didnt expect so much pain ive been knocking myself out with painkillers. Barry and my keyworker tried etting me up A&E yesterday to get my mouth looked at. Yesterday i was crying from the pain in the right side of my mouth .Some guy n the phone said if i got them filled the pan should lessen but its not just my mouth its my throat , tongue mouth ear eye and head. But they didnt manage it if they thought i was going A&E  they are totally deluded.

All ive really done since surgery is cook clean and sleep lol. Kyliei s playing up alot at the moment though im not suprised seems she is being bullied at school. Ive been in the school everyday this week . Im on the verge of taking her out of school .

What they have done to my mouth is quite impressive they did quite well with keeping it neat. Though in surgery i think they forgot i was a person you should see the bruises. I look like ive been beat up LOL

Anyway im off my mouth really starting to hurt so im gonna go and find somwwhere to scream it will be woth it  know it will xxxx

Its so cute . Shy brought him home . He is a pure black cat. He was here earlier just making himself at home haha. Of corse I dont mind in fact it made me laugh the cheek of this kitty . He just jumped through my window. He is outside the window now . Shy is in a moody ignoring him i think because h e ate out of her bowl. He keeps on meowing for her its sooo funny.

I even rang Barry and said we have a lodger a cat lodger hahaha. I wonder where he livees . Ive never seen him around here before . Im sure he will go home when it is his dinner time .

Pepsi i s quite intreigued  by it she isnt sure weather she is to allowit or attack it lmao. She keeps looking at me asif to say please mum let me chase it. haha.

OK OK I  know im talking rubbish again arnt i ? its just cos i cant talk i have to write instead i need to get my stupidity out somehow or i will be extreemly silly tomorrow. LMAO .

OK  im gonna go finnish cooking this bolognaise i am rather looking forward to it i only need to cook the pasta . I soooo hope I am going to be able to eat it.

Love Emz xxx

I WANT FOOD !!!! This really does suck! Here i sit eat a ICE LOLLY !! Ice cream and ice lollies is what my diet is existing of at the moment.  Though i do have doughnuts for me to try in the cupboard and Barry is going to cook me some scrambled egg and chopped tinned tomatoes in a bit. I so hope  i can eat it as im beginning to feel dizzy and weak cos i havent been able to eat now for 5 days and its 4 days since surgery. All i can taste in my mouth is salt which is horrible as ive been rinsing my mouth out with salt boiled cool water well last night my dad put the salt in and he put so much in it i couldent do half of it i was ready to puke, My face and gums are very swollen and bruised so im gonna pop to see my doctor tomorrow just to check for infection and get something to give me a bit of stregnth i am so weak i have spent most of  the time sleeping .But in the long run it will be worth it and as long as my mouth is ready on 20th july i get my mouth moulded how exciting is that i cant wait.

Oh and im finally getting rid of my varookas too. I have one on each foot and they have been giving me real grief the last 6 months my doctor gave me cream to treat it but it never worked so now im going to paignton hospital to get the m burnt off it will take 3 sessions but it will get rid of them so tats great . I have y 1st appointment 29th july so YAY for me.

I need to catch kylies teacher again tomorrow as kylie is STILL being bullied by this louise friday kylie asked me to hide her goodies in her lunchbbox which i found strange she wouldent tell me why. Well over the weekend i got it out of her and it works out louise has been taking her lunch too. Obviously this has made me furiousso im gonna have to tell her teacher tomorrow as they are obviously not keeping a close enough eye. I mean kylie already has to go to lunchtime club everyday because this spiteful girl bullies her now she has me hiding her food as she is scared it will be taken from her.

I see my phychologist tomorrow at 11 i think . That should be interesting nobody can understand what im saying so we will see its gonna hurt too cos my stitches keep on pulling.  I have to see the keyworker tomorrow too and im gonna tell her im not doing my past thing as its personal. Also the workman is coming back to finnish off the wall in the spare rooom and then do my room too.

Dads going home tomorrow and my sons coming over (even though he is  nearly 20 years older than me haha ) to pamper his mommy.  I havent seen him for about a month so it will be nice to see him and chloe loves him to bits too.

Right im off to find some tramadol !!!

Love Emz xxx

Now all the anathsetic has gone this really really hurts.I rerally could cry. Ive been awake all night I actually went to bed at 2.45am and i got out of bed at 6am. I dont advise anyone to have this many teeth out IT HURTS. You wouldent understand how much pain i am in if i told you seriously this is crazy pain.

We have workmen coming out today as well to fix the wall in the damp room. Also in my bedroom as it has followed through and half my bedroom wall is cracked so that needs doing too. So i need all this stuff moved before he/they come.

Those of you that were also my friend on facebook. I have had to deactivate my account. . He got funny cos i have added male AND femalee friends from swindon on there and he got really jealous it caused a big arguement and he didnt stop untill i deactivated my account and im not allowed back on there now. Pathetic really, Anyone would think i had cheated on him its really stupid.

I am sooo tired i could quiteeasily fall asleep. But I must get kylie to school first though . My dad is taking kylie to school. I am just totally knackered i am fighting to stay awake. Bit of luck my dad will be awake soon and he can take oveer but for now . Im off to do kylie some lunch and some housework then hopefully i can get some sleep.

xxx

All is dided and done. Believe it or not i dont have any pain. Just very uncomfortable i cant talk or open my mouth properly . But surgery did go well and thyee took an extra tooth so i think i have had 20 teeth out. They took my left back wisdom tooas it was kinda sideways so they said it would do me no good so i told them to just take it out. Anyway im gonna go to bed barry is going to put my computer in my bedroom so i can get some eace . Just thouht i would let you all know i am home now and my teeth are out

Lots of Love GUMMY haha xxxxx

No more sleepsto go less than 3 hours to go. Can you believe it ? Barry and Anne arecoming with me . I know what torbay hospital is like . Im gonna ask that they are there when  i wake up and  i dont wake up alone.

The excitement has passed and im now SCARED- !!!! Real scared. Thus is really really gonna hurt .My heart is beating so fastand my tummy keeps on turning over and over.

My dad is taking Kylie to school and then taking chloe to the park to take her mind off the fact mummy isnt there . She isnt very good with seperation. She loves her mummy like soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

I am sooo starving . Funny thats cos im not a brrekfast person and i ate a big dinner last night plus loads of goodies while i still can hahaha, But its 5.45 so all I am allowed now is squash and nil by mouth from 7am.

I have been warned to expect to wake up with black eyes. Pleasant huh? But im having about 19 teeth out i think and they will have to break my jaw. Barry andm y dad say that i wont be in much more pain than ive been in in the last 8 months. I find that hard to believe .

My goodness i have been waiting for this day for so long its unreal. Today is the last day I will EVER wake up with toothache . In a couple of hours they will all  be gone . I so know my nanny will be watching over me today.

Well i suppose i best get myself orgainised .

Lots of Love Emz xxx

HAHAHAHA sooo funny. Keyworker came today to see Barry and when they came back she said she wantts us to write down all the stuff thats happened through our lifes good or bad from the age of 2 . No way am i doing that . I will speak about my past on my own accord she rekons she is gonna do it with me on monday but she can think again. I dont wanna drag it all up im trying to get over it for god sake. I just wanna be left alone. Im so sick of people sticking their noses in mylife , Minti is differant i choose to share with you guys and i talk about what iwant to talk about not like this keyworker is doing . I barely know her i dont trust her i dont trust her with my past.

Guess what 2 more sleeps YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY . Cant wait. I go in at 8am so im going bed in a minute then its only 1 more day that im gonna have toothache . YIPPEE . Then i will have jaw and gum ache . Not so good but will be sooooo worth it!!!!!!

As most of you know i went to my SIL's the weekend had a fab time with the kids

to come home to find out our next door eighbour who was supposed to be barrys mate had cllimbed through our window i let open for my cats to borrow barrys guitar and one of his leads very unimpressed ican tell you . I am sooo upset about it , That scaffolding company best hurry up and get this saffolding down its danggerous. !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Saddest thing is if he had asked we would have left him the front door key.

Anyway its late so im off to bed .

Night all

Love Emz xxxx

B-ig thing for me . For those of you that dont know wiltshire is where i come from . We are going to visit my SIL niece and nephew oh and dave too haha. That is the exciting part YAY I cant wait to see those gorgeous little faces.:) But this will be the first time going back  in over 5 years kinda scary but i shouldent see my mum or sister unless they are hanging out over coate water as we are thinknig of going there . I love my SIL so much !!

So now its only days now no weeks at all untill i go into hospital to have my teeth done, Im scareed , nervous and excited all rolled into 1. Its really gonna hurt imagine having all of your teeth out exept the 6 bottom front teeth 1 back right and 1 back left cos that is all i am going to be lft with. But on the bright side new teeth (not yet obviously) and no more toothache. Im gonna look like my nan for a little while GUMMY BEAR!!!!! Haha. (sorry nan ) In theatre they are going to have to dislocate my jaw to get my wisdom and back teeth out . But afterwards i can smile with mouth open  dont know if any of you notice but i dont upload pics of me showing my teeth, I think i will be coming home and going straight to bed wednesday. My doc gave me some strong painkillers today as they will just give me normal painkillers she gave me these other tablets too to bring down the chances of me having any infections in there afterwards. Cant have that can we ? She said if i need anything stronger just make a emergency appointment and if i cant get one geta telephone consultation and she will squeeze me in somewhere or if realy busy just prescribe it as she knows i am going to be in alot of pain .

Ive fallen out with L again this time there is no going back. End of friendship as much as it hurts , I-m not into playing school playground games. I have enough going on already without her bitchiness. It all started out you all heard me talk about anne anyay back 6 months or so ago L set anne up with a friend of hers it didnt work out L found out that anne had a relationship with a younger guy nothing to do with her but didnt like it cos things didnt work out with anne and ray (they were oppisites) she started really slagging her off to me i ended up telling her to just be nice even i she doesent like her as she i s my friend and i like her. Anyways as time got on she started visiting anne without me knoeing i was fine about it i was just glad they were finally gettingo n , But then one afternoon she arranged to go to annes then down to mine as i was really upset and just wanted to talk to her anyway she was with anne 3 hours yet she xcoldent gie me 5 mins to see if i was ok seems she is supposed to be my best friendthis upset me though i was gonna just ignore it  butthen the othe night after barry had been round to see kev (her hubby) he said that L had told him that i had put photos on facebook of my nan dead. Really how sick is that ? how twisted ?  there are no photos on facebook of my nan DEAD unconcious yes dead no  I admit i do have a pic of my nan after she passed away when they strsightened her out covered her up and put a yellow rose on her we all  took a pic on our phones as a memory it has NEVER  been uploaded it doesent need to be its for ME  nobody else. Maybe she should know the truth before she goes speaking crap aoutu me she wants to ohpe i dont see her anytime soon cos i will knock her head off . She can now do as she pleaases cos i no longer want anything to do with her .

Anyways i should sssshhhhh now cos ive justtaken my sleeping tablets ive got a long drive ahead of me .

Love Emz xxx

Today didnt go too bad . :) My support worker came the new support worker is actually quite nice :) . Thanks guys for your lovely comments about it. :) She is coming to see me and chloe on tuesday. I have to think about what I want to do and if i want we can just stay here and have a natter so i can try thats a TRY to build some trust up . Get to know her and all that.

Then while she was here that other support thing i think i may have mentioned in my other blog anyway they have allocated me a key worker so they wanted to come round this afternoon . Well today made me see things for the way they are.

Remember all those complaints ive had over time for those that have no idea what im  talking about the complaints have gone from arguements to the kids playing in their own home to music to cats to guitars to the dogs and finally a smell only N munford can smell. Well i get to find out who all that is !!!! Time for the truth to come out who is making those complaints are they all pauline ??time will tell . KARMA  I LOVE IT !!!!

Apparantly N munford tried referring me here back in march using the miscarriage sayng i wasnt coping !! Give me a break in march i was spending my nans last days with her I was hardly here so how would she know how i was coping ?? Then a few weeks ago she told her they were going to evict me i believe that was when it last kicked off re the dogs and i was made to get rid of my buster . She also made me get my cats newted around  months ago cos they were apparantly spraying GIRLS DONT SPRAY  i have 2 girl cats !!!!! DUH!!! So anyways given the awful miscarriage i had and the trauma of it to loose my case BADLY to go on to watch my nan pass away. She wasnt going to stand back and watch them bullying me too.

Plus they can help me with lots of things . Moving out of here for one thing. YAY . N munford has told me i CANT move its not possible . This place is bad luck i hate living here , my kids cant be kids in their own home. Do u know how much that breaks my heart. I have to constantly remind them to keep the noise down as we dont want anymore complaints .

I have to have this meeting in a couple of weeks it will be held at kyies school we will invite people like housing , kylies teacher , health visitor , you get my drift i cant remember now haha you will have to excuse my mind it dont make sense lol.  Like important people just to tell them they have to leave me alone any problems they speak to my keyworker  NOT ME .

Thing is at first this is going to be intense !! We start tomorrow . Im scared . Deep deep breaths lol. We are doing lunch , she is coming to pick me up at 1pm and we will be back in time to get kylie . Then she is coming agin on friday !! See what i mean by intense its going to be like this for the first 6 weeks .

Im sorry about my blog yesterday minti :) but that is how i get i change like the wind its horrible . I will get better i know i will .

Anyway i will shut up and eat my doughnuts now YUMMY I LOVE DOUGHNUTS !!!!!!!!!!!

I deserve them Ive been a good girl today and been very truthful thats the only way they can help me right ? Ok doughnuts

Love Emz xxxx

Its sooooooooo quiet here tonight everyone cant be sleeping surely ?? Or maybe unlike me you arnt all controlled by anxiety and your thoughts and actually have a life!!

I used to be a person now i feel more like a robot . I feel awful for it its not fair to those I love. But I dont know how to get back out of it. Im trying im trying really hard to get a grip and stop being such an idiot.

I mean take this morning for example . Kylie was late for school. It was my fault. I didnt want to face the parents etc well more to the fact i couldet my heart was beating so fast. I was scared scared to take my own child to school . How pathetic can i be. ?? .

My phychologist keeps telling me I am doing brilliantly even more so seems im taking it all on my back without help from anti depressants. She makes me feel great !!!

Well for a day or 2 then it just goes back to the same old. Its like these support workers . They scare me i know i know they can help me thing is in order to do that you have to let them in. I find that difficult . I cant trust as much as I try . If you trust you get hurt you dont trust you dont get hurrt.

They ask me questions questions im scared to answer i shut down . They want me to see a new support worker but to be honest i just want to be left be. They are coming in the morning im in 2 minds weather i should cancel or not. ? See how I feel about it in the morning .

I will get over myself just in my own time. NO ammount of appointments is going to bring my nan back or stop me from hurting so why cant they just let me be ?

Im 24 I have been living on my own a long time . I have learnt to cope on my own . They dont really have a clue what they are playing with its best left alone . I just want to deal with it in my own way .

Sorry just waffling some little tthoughts.

Love -Emz xxx