We all know that honesty is the best thing, and even when it is painful it is better than withholding the truth, sometimes it can hurt and there are always ways of telling the whole truth in a nice way - it is just finding the right time and place before it becomes an issue of not saying anything.

Woah!  I can hear ya say it.  Where is all this coming from.  Well.  I shared something on Tuesday night with the man of my dreams.  It was done over the phone and it was the kinda thing that I would much rather have shared in person regardless of the time we are having to wait while we save up for travel fare. 

He actually took things real well while we were talking, and considering that I was hopeful that things wouldnt change based on what we talked of.  He had been having doubts about the distance we live from each other and how it is difficult and so on, it was really getting him down, then his friend died and I couldnt comfort him really.  So this has been another rough week for him, but I know that we had to have that particular discussion at that time. 

So now he is on his way home for the weekend - wlel actually he is going tomorrow, but he said to me today that he is gonna let me know when he comes back what the reality is for us, and i know he loves me and i know i love him like crazy, but I am so scared that this distance is just gonna kill his resolve and we will be just never finding anyone because we love each other, but not able to do anything about it because we will be so far from each other. 

I cant stop weeping, and E is still up, and it is wrong, she shouldnt see me like this.  But the tears wont stop welling up.  I just cannot imagine being without him, and I was thinking we would be married by the end of this year - what we had discussed already and what we were aiming for - but he cannot wait that long.... Ihave said to him good bye until tuesday when he gets back, because i cannot talk to him tonight knowing that thsi is all in his mind, because it is all up in mine as well, ut it is for him to think through not for us to discuss now.  And I miss him so desperately badly. 

Oh man.  I am so emotional right now.  I apologise for all this gibberish, but if I keep typing I cant cry too much because I have to be able to see what i am writing and the other thing is that then I am busy and E wont notice anything is wrong either.  I miss him, and I just want to be with him again, because he is the only man in all my life who has made me truly happy and feel safe and secure.  he is the one I have measured all others against and they all came up wanting. 

I know there is nothing more I can do for now. But my heart is hurting so sadly. 
Sorry to be such a soppy wimp
Peace
EF.x