A couple of years ago now I was told a story about an old man who was sharing his wisdom with his grandchildren. He was telling them to take off their 'Rose Coloured Spectacles' and see the reality that we live in.

'Rose Coloured Spectacles' are like our subjective realities. They tinge all we see and do from our own perspective, our own experience, our own knowledge. If we take these off and look at our world in the daylight it is raw, we see our own blemishes, our own lack of knowledge and emotional deformities. We all have them. But we also see where others are coming from, we see the other side of the story. We have clarity and can move forward in confidence of that. We can find solutions and map a different path to the one we may have forged initially, but still with the same goal and reward.

Sometimes we see that we are right. And that the other person is definitely wrong. But we can also see where that other person is going wrong and where they are coming from so that we can appreciate their wrong point of view and maybe help them to adjust to see things more clearly.

Sometimes we see that we are hideously wrong and that the other person needs to have their life or that their reasons are more secure and valid than mine for the plan of action showing. But seeing things clearly we become objective and begin to look for solutions to the problems, to search for that way that suits everyone, or that makes logical sense to everyone and some people change their minds based on thisknowledge presented to them.

Othertimes we see a compromise where although we are just so right and they are also just so right also we are opposing on this issue - but - there is a way to meet in the middle. This is especially true in many parenting situations where Mum does things differently to Dad, yet at the end of the day the job is done successfully and the child is not affected adversely by the experience. Sometimes we just gotta learn to take a step back and let others give it a go. Allow them to stumble, help them up when they fall, encourage them to find the path that is right for them.

One time, many many years ago now a dear friend said to me that if i wasnt part of the solution then the very fact that I was doing nothing made me a part of the problem, albeit an insignificant part. He was right - he usually is!!

So when my father shared with me this story of the 'Rose Coloured Specs' I realised that all these things tie in together. I can go through my life in bliss. My perfect imaginary world where I live and others visit occasionally, or I can be real, I can be vulnerable and I can appreciate everyone for attempting to be real as well, or make an effort to help them see the reality that is and not their own sphere. For instance: I cannot make a difference on the environment alone, but if many people help we can all do our part and maybe something good will come of it. I can try to educate and increase awareness and search for more knowledge so that I am participating in something worthwhile, on behalf of humanity and the future generations.

At the time this story was told to me there was a situation which prompted it and that has unfortunately not changed. It was told to everyone in the situation and all but one person took any notice. It was hard for some people to see things clearly, to acknowledge their part in making a bad situation worse. To admit that they had been antagonising instead of finding a solution. But they saw the bigger picture, and they realised that when they swallowed their pride they could move on. It is something I still struggle with, because there is only that one person in the whole messy mess that is living a life of perfect bliss or so it seems and the rest of the people are hurting because of lack of contact and shared experience. Because of being unable to identify with one so wrapped up in her own perfect little world where others who are secure and happy are excluded. Where the happiness of one is not worth sacrificing a little of her own, and her own is not enriched by such a shared moment and compromise and the happiness of her loved ones.

This person has everything I would love to have, but how she goes about getting it makes me so much happier that I have nothing. I have none of the dreams I dreamed that I would achieve by this time in my life. I have a life of hardship and struggle everystep of the way - whatever you throw to me I can tell a sad sad pathetic story, but in the middle of it all I am me. Noone can take that away from me. And instead of living on past unfulfilled dreams I am forging new ones, I am forging a different life and a life of which I can be proud that at least I made a difference to someone every single day that I live. At the end of the day I am still gonna have all those things that I dreamed of, but my life will be richer for the experiences that have led me there. Instead of blindly insisting that this is the way it must be and grabbing at things to accessorise my life and make it picture perfect I am shaping a destiny that is real, that is aware, that is to be shared if you will share it with me. One day I will have the husband who loves me regardless, who accepts who I am and allows me to love him back equally, one day I will have the home of happy bustling children, the space to create and impact and just be real. I get loads of things wrong, I am often subjective to a fault and not the supermum that everyone thinks I am. But I keep my promises, I make the best of what I have, and I make sure that each day has a memory attached to it.

I have just read what I have written, few will be aware of the situation of which I write. Maybe one day this situation will resolve. It is in God's hands now. We can only persist in being constant in our attitudes so that we do not make more barriers, but provide no reason for more to be made.

Peace
EF.x 

What a day this has been.  Didnt sleep last night except for one hour as E was restless and crying due to her blocked sinuses.  Poor thing.  She was finding it so hard to breathe and when she is like this finds it hard to blowher nose correctly and instead sniffs to much.  She did go to pre-school today and spent the time coming homebeing very grown up and organising us, our lunchtime and afternoon including time to sleep because we were so tired even though I hadnt suggested this yet.  Her rationale behind the things she reasons is incredible.

Have had a certain teen in and out all evening believingthat she has miscarried.  I seriously believe that she was not pregnant in the first place, but because she convinced herself she was, she met this guy in the past month, and this week they started dating and they were ready to set up house together as a result of this pregnancy....it has been an incredible 36 hours.  Anyhow, because she believed it she is grieving.  And at the end of the day it doesnt matter if she was or not, what matters is that in her heart she has grief to deal with now as well.  Her home situation is complex to say the least and has really hrown her onto a roller coaster the past couple of days as well.  As far as I can see boyfriend guy is decent and will care for her - she has just left to go meet him, so i hopethat she will gain some comfort from that.  He is 17, so although older not so much so that it is a problem.  (She is 16). 

And today, because I am so tired I am being typically female and irrational and missing my friend with whom I have been speaking so much to recently.  Although I know him well and have known him for years before we lost touch (having gotten in contact again in past 2 weeks) the more we chat themore I feel I know him,and the more I feel that there is that I want to know about him which translates that I hardly know him at all really.  Conundrum.  But that is how it is isnt it with best friends.  You always learning new things about each other even though you know each other inside and out.  He was talking about coming here for New Years, but that is so expensive that we are now thinking about making it Fenruary instead...I hope he does come.  It would be great to see him again and to show him London.  I saw New York for my first time with him,and it is something i will never forget. 

With Thanksgiving last week, work was so slack that we spent a lot of time chatting while he worked.  We were thoroughly spoilt!  Today I have also learnt that my brother is likely to be in hospital over christmas.  Since he got married we havent seen him as his wife has problems with us that we dont understand but that cause her to abuse him, so we just leave him alone and he calls us when he can.  Last night he called mum and dad to let them know he was likely to be in hospital over christmas so couldnt come home to see us as he had hoped.  He had been going to stay at the hotel down the road that does lovely disabled suites ad he would have been close to us and comfortable and well cared for.  Now we are hoping we can pop up to the hospital on sunday when my mum and other brother are over here so that we can see him and wish him happy christmas etc. 

Life is real rough sometimes,  but what got me through the lowest times (which were a few years ago now) and which I still use today on occasion is that there is someone worse off than I am.  This may not be true in actuality, but in my perception of another's circumstances it is usually quite easy to find someone who appears to be worse of than myself.  And nasty human that I am I take comfort in that and hope that they see that same thing in someone elses life so that there is always hope of a brighter tomorrow and we havent hit rock bottom because our subjective and cruel perception tells us that we are not as badly off as Mr and Mrs A.N. Other. 

Have a good day.  Glad to get all that off my chest
Peace
EF.x 

E has stuffed sinuses.  She is not in any pain, and it took me until about midnight to give her any medicine because she had a sleep int he afternoon today and I thought her wakefulness was due to that combined with lack of ability to breathe.  Bless her, she is asleep in comfort on the sofa now.  The side of the sofa just rises enough to get her the elevation she needs. 
Now I am wired and tired.  But I think spending some time here has wound me down enough, so yet again I am off to get some rest.  Have to get up to get her off to pre-school in the morning if she is well enough.  (x-fingers) She does enjoy it and I am hoping that all she has is the stuffy dose, at least then I will still be able to send her....
Peace
EF.x 

Had to post this up.  I love it, my first christmas siggy (not made by me, but I hope to be doing my own soon)
Peace
EF.x 

As some people on Minti may be aware there is a teenager from my old youth group who still comes over often and spends time with us.  Recently I have taught her how to use her bank cash card and how to use the ATM etc.  She was a lil nerve wracked doing it the first times so I literally had to just walk over the road with her and wait while she did  it.  Confidence in numbers and all that.  And there are several things she comes to me for an opinion/advice on (and as you know I certainly have plenty of those!!)

So this morning she turns up (usually weds is school/college day but none today cus teachers in London training).  E has gymnastics at 11:30 and at 9am she asks me to take her to the family planning clinic at 11 because she needs a pregnancy test. 

My jaw drops, mainly cuz she had promised me that she was being careful and secondly that she wasnt ready to sleep with anyone else yet.  Ho hum.  Was I a sucker to believe in her.  She was so sorted for her future.  Anyhow, it turns out that apparently 3 weeks ago she was with two guys in one day, one african british, one caucasian british.  She thinks it is the white guy, but aint sure....she is on the implant (i think that is the one anyhow) and she had it installed around easter time this year.  And they used a condom...but she believes that she read a positive test the other day. 

How?  Oh goodness.  Her mother was 16 when she had her, her dad was 17.  Her Dad has been practical (encouraging the implant) but against her seeing guys for this reason.  He hasnt been strict as far as I can see, just honest about his thoughts on the subject which I thought she was respecting.  She is meant to be coming over tomorrow after school or on friday so I can take her to the clinic. 

I dont know what to think.  Ws I bad for believing she could withstand peer pressure when she was preaching at me the follies of the behaviour of her friends and trying to make a life for herself?  She has only 'felt' pregnant since the home test.  How I m praying that she read it wrong, cuz you can get negative home tests that are false results, but I have never heard of a false positive on a home test. 

We covered hundreds of topics this morning - she wants to not have an abortion, but not sure about adoption or keeping the baby.  She wants to exclusively pump (thank you to whomever wrote that article the other day) cuz her step mum (8 years her elder) got sore and put her off breast feeding, but she doesnt want to go the formula route. 

She is worried that her dad will kick her out of the house cuz there is no room for any more in the home.  She is going systematically through her optinos and her new almost-boyfriend has his own place and she thinks he would be cool if she moves in with him.  He already knows about all this and is being supportive.

So much we touched on.  She has her head screwed on straight for her options if nothing else!  I truly hope this result was read wrongly and that when she sees them at the clinic it is negative.  She has dreams for her future.   Not like most of her friends who are happy to smoke the night away and sleep all day to recover from it all.  

This is just going around inmyhead.  Have i been a bad friend and role model, have I been too forgiving and lenient on her?  I dont know, and I doubt that had I done things differently it would be any different to this now.  At least she knows where to turn to and that I will support her regardless. 

I am gonna head now.  Sleep calls and i am listening to an amazing track sent to me by someone special, so gonna concentrate on the lyrics and the sound of the music washing ver me.  90 mins worth of bliss...yeeeeeeah. 
Peace
EF.x 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana Who
Banana Orange
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

Welcome to the world of 3 year old humour.  She has told the world and his wife this joke in the past week or two. I have been entered (by her) into 'Knock Knock' competitions where we have to take turns to tell our jokes (battle style).  My joke repertoire is thin on the ground to say the least let alone 'knock knock' jokes. 

Mum and I have spent the best part of the first week teaching her a 'proper' 'Knock Knock' joke:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard I know

Finally after about 5 days intensive 'battle' we get there - I win the competition - or so I think.  She is on the phone to my mum and after the gales of her own laughter following the retelling of her (now tired) joke she says:

Knock Knock
(Mum) Who's there?
(E) Howard
(Mum) Howard who? (with relief in her voice that it has worked at last)
(E) Howard my mum know!!!  HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Geddit?  Me being the one who had been saying this joke to her so many times, it was still mum answering the door.  When she tells me the joke the punchline becomes instead "Howard YOU know Mum?"

She was a little taken aback when on an internet voice call the other day she is telling her hilarious joke and first of all it is not heard at the other end, and then it is not appreciated to her satisfaction.  The confusion! Her lil face.  Poor love, she totally didnt understand who wouldnt find it side-splittingly funny.  The fact that her laughter afterwards is usually just too infectious to keep a straight/bored face just creases me each time.

OK.  So we are getting tired of them even if she isnt and Dad says that he is tempted to tell her a couple of Elephant jokes...Help!  Can you imagine a world conquered by 'Knock Knock' and Elephant jokes?  I have told him that he can begin those at christmas time, maybe after over a month of the 'Knock Knock' she will be ready for a new genre. 

In the meantime - if anyone has any good offerings of this type please leave them for me.  My aunty in NZ sent E one in an email the other day with the added apology that I would actually have to sing this one....of all the cheek!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wendy
Wendy who?
Wendy red red robin comes bob bob bobbin along...

(for those who dont know it is a christmas song and to make this joke work one ends up singing with a jamaican accent...LOL)

And on that note I shall finish this epistle.
Peace
EF.x 

Last posting dates(from UK)

Last day for posting surface mail to Western Europe - Friday 1st December. (3 days)

Last day for posting airmail to NZ, Australia, Africa, Far East, South and Central America and the Caribbean - Friday 8th Dec.  (10 days)

Last day for posting airmail to USA, Canada, Japan and Eastern Europe - Monday 11th Dec.  (13 days)

Last day for posting airmail to Western Europe and Standard parcels for UK - Wednesday 13th Dec.  (15 days)

Last day for second class in UK - Saturday 16th December.
Last day for first class in UK - Tues 19th December.
Last day for special delivery - Thurs 21st December.

and then...  

amor contra a realidade
Meu amor não deve ser feito exame para concedido
 o não deve ser considerado algo que eu posso dar assim livremente que eu posso fàcilmente fazer exame d para trás
 através do fogo que meu amor me faz a caminhada
 através dos mares raging eu vadeio com opinião de um tomrrow mais brilhante
 ainda, a realidade diz que não há nenhum relevo na vista
~~~~~♥♥♥♥♥~~~~~♥♥♥♥♥~~~~~♥♥♥♥♥~~~~~♥♥♥♥♥~~~~~♥♥♥♥♥~~~~~♥♥♥♥~~~~~
love against the reality
My love does not have to be made granted examination for
 does not have to be considered something that I can give freely thus that I can fàcilmente make examination d I stop backwards
 through the fire that my love I make me walked
 through the seas raging I I still wade with more shining opinion of one
 tomrrow, the reality says that it does not have no relief in the sight

"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Last night before I went to bed i was having a voice conversation via Yahoo messenger.  It must have disturbed E cuz she woke and I got her and brought her out to rest as i was about to go to bed but wanted to finish up the convo first. 

I had the desk halogen lamp turned on and two big fat church candles on the table behind me.  When it was time to go i turned off the PC and said to her that I was just going to blow them out then take her to bed.  I turned off the lamp, and in that second she woke up a bit and asked if she could blow them out and make a wish. 

We have never done this before and I havent seen it on any of her programmes on telly recently, but I was like ok.  So she sat for a minute on the edge of the sofa thinking

"I wish for a cot for my babies when I grow up"

She has never mentioned this before, but it certainly seems something that she has thought about.  Then she asked me for my wish and I said it was only that we cold visit with my whom I had just been talking.  Cuz I miss him so much.  She said that was a good wish cuz it would come true. 

Then we went off to bed properly again and she whispered to herself and her dollies that were with her about this wish and how they could have their own bed one day like big babies.  They wouldnt need to be in with her anymore.  Awww
Peace
EF.x 

Made a terible mistake this afternoon.  We are learning to call E's new school preschool instead of nursery as it is attached to a school and different to a nursery.  One time I slipped up and said 'Play school' instead, thinking this was a good name I gave it some thougth.

Then I realised that it was not such a great idea after all.  What if she gets the idea that school is more for play than learning?  So we are back to solid pre-school.  She is happy, and she did notice my slip up, but I dont think it will affect her perception adversely.  She just talked of the play that she had been doing.  Apparently she missed me so much today.  She hugged my leg so much on the way home that I kept falling over her.  But that is ok for today.  She is just getting back into routine, and it is nice to feel so loved sometimes. 

Peace
EF.x 

Almost forgot to take E to pre school this am.  We were slightly late.  How embarrassing!!!  I just hadnt put it in my diary for this week.  Shall have to do that for every day until the end of the year i think.  She had a great time there today.  She is just herself there which is lovely.  On the way to and from pre school we run mostly, then as we turn the corner into the school road we walk past the post office on the corner and cross the little road.

For the next 50 yds we name the colour of every car we pass and jump for joy at the fushia bushes (there are two).  There is also a pansy garden that we pass.  E is better at the colours of the cars than I am.  We passed one on the way there this morning that she said was purple, and I said dark blue, on the way home again i noticed she was correct!  It IS purple!!!

So on the way home today, when we were near our place we came past the flower shop on the corner.  It is slightly dusty and has been there forever, the lady in there is lovely and we often look at the displays, be they garden ornaments (she has some amazing worms, horses, winnie-the-pooh, ducks - everything literally) or plants of varying types.  Earlier in the autumn she had pansies outside which E thought was magnificent as she had just planted some pansies at Darling and Papa's house.  We get regular updates on its health and E has developed an interest in gardening. 

I digress...As we walked home today I mentioned that the lovely baby roses were outside again.  There are so many shades of them it is marvellous.  Mostly the pansies still capture her attention more, but it is worth it.  So today we lave a look as we get there and I show her the heather, the roses, and the catcus.  She thought that was a funny name.  But the flowers were lovely on it and she was quite captured with them.  Then she spies the compost!

I got given a comprehensive lecture on the wonders of compost for the rest of the way home, how much to use and when to use it and what for.  It was quite impressive.  I was surprised that she knew so much although I knew we had taught it to her when we had done our gardeing day at Darling and Papa's place.  So much more went in than I ever realised.  What a lil sponge for knowledge and learning she is!  I love her so very much.

Peace
EF.x 

I just spent the whole of last night awake talking online and now i am tired.  Dont get me wrong, it was a good use of my time, and I would be fine except that.....The convo finished without a good night or a goodbye and I am worried......also E needs me awake too, so I cant rest properly.  I do believe that I am slowly going crazy with tiredness.  I can hardly concentrate on anything and I just want to lie down withmy eyes closed, but when I do I cant relax. 

I do believe in the adage 'Dont let the sun go down on your wrath'  I aint angry or upset, but I am worried, and I am sure it is just as bad.  Ah well.  Off to supervise E doing me dishes and get her to come back and watch Mulan which is showing on telly now.
Peace
EF.x 

What is good parenting?

Recently I have had a few people say to me, online or face to face that I am a good parent and that I have done a good job with E. Or words to that effect. Personally I see all the flaws and am kinda sensitive about it because I feel so vulnerable.  People tend not to judge kindly when it comes to parenting and when they criticise it cuts deep. 

Although I do know it myself she is sweet tempered and does tend to get picked on occasionally and she responds rather  feisty.  Comes to tell me about it and I put her reaction right and next time she does it right.  It is kinda cool.  I hope it always works like this.  That I can always speak her language to communicate the reasons why it is best to respond positively without allowing someone to trample all over you. 

But what makes my way good?  What makes people assume that the way of single parents is going to be wrong because there is only one of them?  but I have met many children from two parent households in the past three years who also behave badly and dont know how to share or play nicely with other children.  And they are of an age where they should know better.

I was faced with E not playing nicely with a friend the other day in our own home.  This is the first time i have witnessed this.  And it hurt me bad.  Now she asks every day if her friend can coe back so they can play nicely and make me happy.  LOL. I wish it were that easy!  In the past she has always shared all she has and i know from nursery reports that she does well there with sharing and does behave so beautifully.  So why on this occasion was she beastly? 

We have had a hard week, She started new nursery.  I had hospital appt that always messes with me head and we were tired, so i was unfair to accept visitors, but in the situation for them I thought it was what my friend needed...so i said yes they could come.  I think it was the right decision.   

In the event they stayed all afternoon and for dinner and the girls were just so tired.  It had been a beastly week for us let alone that day which had simply been the worst.  I think it was a no win situation.  I just hope that it was a one off as far as the girls go. Cuz I like my friend and it is nice to know I can just wander over there anytime to see her, or that she can feel it is right to come here on a whim.  It was the first time for the girls to be at our small flat and I guess that is another factor along with the tiredness that made it a long day for the girls. 

But when E misbehaved that day I felt awful, like I had failed as a mother in some respect, because I had never known her to be so selfish with her toys or so uncaring of another child whom she professes to enjoy playing with so much.  And then to have her like this in front of a friend was just awful.  I have never felt so inadequate or like i had let someone down so much! 

Maybe one day they can play again.  Shall see how things go.  They have a big house, so shall go there hopefully next week if E is not too tired from new routine and try again.  I am waffling, but I had to get these thoughts down.  I want to know what it is that I do right and what I do wrong as a parent so that I can be a better mother and also so that when I have to split the responsibility I can do so without hurting myself, my daughter or my partner.  So that we will be able to work as a team and I will be able to share the load instead of hogging it all and pushing him out.  This is on my mind a lot as well. 

I love running this dictatorship.  But one day it will change, and then I will need to compromise.  I will be able to be stricter (yay) and more structured because I will not be overcompensating all the time, nor over tired either.  Just hope that I will deliver on what I pray and hope in my heart for.  I want to be a good parent when I share the burden.  I want to be prepared for compromise and accepting new ideas into my shared world that it will become.  And I want to be able to do it in a way that is natural so that E responds positively to her new daddy.  It is so hard.  I am so cynical of all men now.  So distrusting of their motives and values and everything.  I dont want that to undermine me.

OK.  I think I am officially waffling now, so I am gonna stop right there and come back to this another day. 
Peace out
EF.x 

We were just having special lunch of bread and butter...you know how it goes, the simpler the more special it is right?  Anyhow.  I had to get different bread from our usual - wholemeal instead of brown.  It goes stale rather quickly and so we have to eat quite a bit quickly or feed loads tot he ducks who undoubtedly prefer plain ole white.  I digress. 

The top crust comes off this loaf. It is weird.  E had been eating her bread for the first two I made for her but left this top bit that fell off, so I said why doesnt she eat the 'handles' while I make the next couple.  She wolfed them down!  Talk about presentation of food.  LOL.  Unfortunately I find them very dry and it takes half a cup of water to wash it down.  (but I am eating mine too - following her good example instead of leading by my own bad example)  I wouldnt have been surprised had she told me that she tried but it was too hard. 

Just had to share this cuz I thought it was well cool ofher to be so good about it.
Peace
EF.x 

I think I have made up my mind about what i am going to do.  But I wanted to write it down to get it out and be clearer in my head about it all. 

I spent three years trying to get a relationship going between E and her father.
He father disowned her in May this year when he got himself a job, he didnt want to take responsibility.
In February this year I found out that he has no rights, and although he will always have responsibility it is largly what we do with that that matters.
Three weeks ago he saw a friend of mine at the hospital
Two weeks ago he called to speak to E and ask to see her.  I said no
Last tuesday he came over with pics of his new baby, apparently looking for my blessing
This tuesday just gone he called o let me know he had brought E a christmas card and wanted to buy her some clothes - real funny, haha
Today he called again asking me to email him some pictures of E.

I dont have an address or phone number for him, and i dont think I have an email address. 
I pointed out that i dont have many if any current pics cuz of recent PC probs.  He said ok, it doesnt matter then.  (am i exonerated?)
I spent so long doing all i could to facilitate fatherhood for him so that they could know each other and she got so hurt - so much that she is protective of me in a way kids shouldnt be.
I stopped that this year in march.
I owe him nothing. 
In my opinion it is up to E to make the next move when she is old enough and able to cope with the consequences of finding him.
I will never lie to her about him.  But I dont intend on ever saying anything negative either.  That would just be wrong. 

I intend to bring her up in a way that she knows how to make her own decisions, take responsibility of her own choices and how to deal with all that in a positive way, even if it isnt a positive outcome.
Time will tell if I am successful in this.

So my dilemma?  Do I provide pics to him because he has suddenly demanded them or not?  I suspect not.  That is the way I am leaning.  To encourage him is to let down my guard and therefore E stands the possibility of being hurt again.  WOW. This blog thing works!  How good it is to think things through in this way.  I was expecting to come back and read it again later on and chew the cud a while, but I think I am happy with this.  It is up to her, She is too young just now so until she takes the lead the answer is no to everything.

Peace
EF.x 

WOW.  I just noticed i got my three walking stripes.  I thought I was forever gonna be on my two stripes.  Ah well, that is a lovely surprise and has really bigged me up to face today.  I actually came on here just to say I have an appointment this morning that I am slightly apprehensive about.  More because I havent been able to tell someone I love that it is happening than the actual fact. 

I never realised how scary it could be to love someone and not be able to let them know some of the most important things.  Oh dear!  I am gonna start going around in circles in a minute as my head tries to figure a way out of this - there is no way.  I shall just have to let him know after the fact.  I have spent the past three evenings calling and calling on the telephone.  It isnt like I havent tried.  But I havent wanted to spook him either. 

Ah well, it is time to start getting ready to go as have to take E to nursery first and then get a wriggle on.  Hope everyone here has a great day!  I intend to.
Peace out
EF.x 

Well, she had a marvellous time at her new nursery.  She told me that she cried a lot, but they said it was only a short cry.  Must have felt major to her little heart!  Bless her cotton sox. 

She made a robin at the painting table and it is a secret for us to put on Darling and Papa's christmas tree when we go there for christmas.  Consequently when she poke to Mum, (which she really really wanted to do) she said nothing at all because everything was a secret, so there was nothing to tell! 

Later on she got around to letting me know she had also played with playdough there.  She is so lovely.  She was adorable on the way home and all afternoon.  This is just what she needs, time away from me daily to develop and have a life she can tell me about and share with me.

Oh no.    My brother has just txted me to let me know his biggest boy rat called Roo has just died.  Now the younger brother is all alone in a very large cage.  Poor ting.  Dont get me wrong, I am not overly fond of rats and other rodents, but they are his babies, and my heart is sad for him now.  What a shame. 

Ah well.  Nite nite everyone
EF.x 

We were up at 6 this morning as has been our routine recently - yes, evenme!  She wakes so early that i dont dare wake before her.  But it is getting to be good having this early morning time together.  She was ready and through the bath by 8:30, so for 15 minutes I got her doing her teeth, going to the toilet, writing an email and so on to fill in time unti we could walk out the door to her first day.  She was quite looking forward to it all but not really saying much, so as we walked up thedrive i said that when we arrive she can go straight in and I willhang up her coat, I can give her a kiss at the door and i will come back later on when she is finished there, just like at gymnastics.  I also said she was allowed to have a drink and biscuit at break time, wear both her jackets when she went to play outside and join in with the song and sotry times.  I thought that if I said it she might just join in instead of standing at the side to watch.  Being her first day i actually had to make sure I had signed everything so went straight through to the managers office which is in the middle of the nursery.  I only have my mobile number to provide, so that is good, can do that later on when I collect her.  She was sitting at the painting table by the time I left without another look to me.  I think she will settle in just fine!  She has been there over an hour already and no phone call, so I am guessing she is loving it and I am due to go pick her up again real soon.  Gotta call my mum when we get back, she is looking forward to hearing how it all went!  And i have done nothing but clen the vacuum cleaner in myprecious time.  Ah well.  Might get some more stuff done next week as this week have things to do thursday and friday mornings.  Though thinking about it I may miss the friday one again and do my filing for once and for all.  Would be lovely to get that wrapped up this week.  Well till laters then
Peace
EF.x 

This morning E was naughty twice, first when playing in the bedroom, and second when playing on the computer.  I was getting worried that we may not last much longer in this happy equilibrium that we have established here.  I mean, 24/7 with anyone is hard going let alone ya mother right?  Especially when you are used to time socialising at nursery and other places. 

This afternoon I called the nursery to find out when they were opening their new expanded version of it all.  Having had E at home with me for over three months now we are needing the break.  They were meant to open last week, but didnt.  So I called again today feeling really pushy.  They are in the process of hiring new staff still and are not taking on children yet.  However E is second in the waiting list.  Then she says that one mother changed her childs routine and they now have the mornings available.  Starting tomorrow.  Yay!  So E will start four mornings a week from tomorrow with gymnastics continuing on wednesday mornings. 

This is so perfect.  She hasnt been too excited about it, nor said anything at all. She was not wanting to do anything tonight so we put her clothes out for tomorrow instead, that made her smile a lot, then she kept on messing around, so I helped her with her tea (she sat on my knee to eat it). Then we got ready for bed and she lay down, but she kept fidgeting.  So I went to read her a different story about the little angel at christmas time and now she is fine.  She is already asleep actually because I cannot hear her singing to her toys. 

What a relief.  We have spoken a few times about school tomorrow, instigated by me.  I am anticipating a heart to heart at 3am so will try to get an early night tonight.  At least I can come home and sleep if i have to in the morning in a quiet house.  Yay!  I  might actually get this filing finished this week! 

Peace
EF.x 

This morning I finally got around to doing my shredding - you know that mountain that develops occasionally.  And in this mountain i found this aqua envelope.  I tend to chuck the envelopes away and shred the contents - what is it with junk mail people who simply have to include your name and or address on every single piece of paper they include?  anyhow.  I have kept this envelope for some collage or something that we will more than likely do one day.  Now I am just trying to find the opportunity, the colour is very unique.  What a gem! 

OK, so I am proud of myself for finding it and had to share.  The colour is exquisite.  Maybe i can try get a pic later on.  Web cam is finally working and I am playing with it again.....
Peace
EF.x 

As we went for our walk this afternoon we were on the wrong side of the road to get the the canal to get to the ducks.  So we went down to the palce where we cross the road and walked through B&Q.  For those of you who dont know about B&Q it is a hardware store that sells anything you may need in order to do up your home. 

My intention was to take E around all the pretty lights in the christmas aisles.  We arenot doing christmas in our place this year nor are we going to london to see regent and oxford street lights.  So make do with the hardware store.  The magic is still the same to her, esp as it has big high shelves and it is just so enormous.

We also visited the light shades section where she found a Mickey Mouse light shade. I said we would come back when she has her own room so she can choose something then.  She usually chooses something that she is into at the time we go shopping, before we came out today for instance 'Mickey Mouse Clubhouse' had been on the Disney Channel.

As we were leaving the store she saw this pink christmas tree.  It was immediately followed with loud "Oooh's" and  "Ahhh's"  beofre louding stating "I would like that for my birthday mummy".  Aww bless her. She wants a pink christmas tree for her birthday in March.  But it does fit her birthday theme. 

She wasnt so bothered with the advent calendars that i found, i had been going to make one this year, but i havent got all the material i need, and the cost of this one is £10.  It is gonna cost me much more in material let alone time dedicated to it then that, so thinking of getting one of them.  And the pockets on it are the perfect size that I was going to make....So I think a sound buy. 

That pink tree.  How cute.  Oh, then she tells me on the way home that it is "so coote mummy, that pink tree is just so coote, dont you think so mummy.  i did love that pink christmas tree for my birthday mummy."
a lovely shopping trip again successfully enjoyed by both mother and daughter.
Peace
EF.x 

Today i got E to sit on my feet while I did my situps.  It is over a year since she lst saw me do them as I tend to do them in the evening once she is gone to sleep.  We had just finished playing hide and seek around the house and she decided we should hide together. But who should find us?  She asks?  I shrugg, Unicorn?  she suggests?  So it is decided that Uni will be finding us.  But we get tired waiting for her, so E goes to get Rosie the dog and when she came back I decided to get her to siton my feet.  It was funny cus my feet move slightly when I do my situps and they were moving against her thighs which tickled her.  I got 15 done.  Then it was her turn.  I dont know how soon kids should start these things, but I see no harm in encouraging her if it is her suggestion.  So She starts at 11, and counts up to 20 situps (actually 10 in total).  I was kinda impresses, especially when her technique is pretty perfect.  As in she did stomach scrunches as opposed to the traditional sit up all the way to the knees, and her hands were behind her head!  Yes, I would say good job well done, maybe i should be more active in this encouragement.  Shall have a word with somene next week and see what they suggest.
Peace
EF.x 

Last night as i was going to bed E was talking in her sleep to me.  It was happy rambling dream words but i could hear the sound of her voice in it even if I couldnt make out the words.  

I remembered that first day that she was born.  We heard her cry properly for the first time about 2pm.  She was just 2 1/2 hrs old.  And I could hear her voice in her cry.  You know what I mean right?  When someone coughs, cries etc there is something about the tone of it by which you can decipher who it is, even if you cannot see them in the room with you.

I almost cried, not only did i have this pretty baby with loads of hair and big blue eyes (which she still has on occasion funnily enough), but she has this beautiful tinkling voice, full of light and laughter.  I remember looking at my mum and the nurse who was there at the time and saying "Did you hear that?" 
They look at me like I am mad.  "Yeah we heard your baby cry....?"
"But did you hear her voice?"  I asked
"Oh yea, they go" - like old hands.  As if to say of course we heard her voice!  Well I hadn't heard her voice before and it was magical.  I recaptured some of that magic again last night. 

It is funny the way memories are triggered by the simplest things.  Needless to say i went to sleep with that lovely warm fuzzy feeling last night.  Well, it was also partly due to getting Skype working. Has anyone else used it?  It is great.  I am really looking forward to etting other friends on it so we can call internationally for free.  *fingers crossed* Dad is hoping to get all our rellies in NZ on so that we can do weekly calls instead of just christmas calls.  And skype allows conference calls of up to 5 people calling in, so even when I am home I can be in on the call same as everyone else instead of always being at mum and dads.  YAY! 

Oops, gotta go, I have a yellow duvet with a pink umbrella coming my way slowly across the floor - must investigate.  It appears solid, but slightly giggly.
Peace
EF.x 

E had me up at 5 this morning, and by 7 I was back in bed until 8:30 with tummy pains.  Then I spent the rest of the day hopping between pc and sofa while she did the opposite to me and gave me many cuddles and kisses. 

I am a lot better now btw, which is why it has taken me all day to get round to writing up this blog. 

Usually I have about two mornings a week where I am so tired I cannot wake up, my eyes sting and I have to just rest for longer.  Even before I can start reading my book!  E is good about it.  She brings me the bottle of drink and her cup so I can pour her a drink as she needs one.  She is allowed to help herself to fruit and bread (her favourite snacks). 

Yesterday we did some painting (in the lounge) a first for us, but i was already feeling under the weather then, so we kept it a secret and were very tidy and i sat in comfort at PC or on sofa while she did three beautiful paintings. 

This morning I didnt know what to do with myself and didnt want to worry her, so had my bath and went to rest again on the bed.  She came to visit me often giving me kisses and cuddles as is her tradition.  Asking for things as needed...and they were dellivered within 5 mins of her asking - as is my marvellous committment to her happiness.

This morning I had a great sleep.  And within a minute of me stirring E came into the room with a pad of computer paper.  i assumed that she wanted me to rip a page off for her to do a drawing and summoned my strength to get off the bed, beat the pain and get her pens down from the shelf.  But no.  Today we had a surprise. 

The top page was covered in swirls of red, yellow and green paint with two circles for wheels.  She had painted me a car, 'like Darlings car mummy, just not shiny' It was beautiful.  She was so pleased.  I looked at her, in her jammies still, proud of doing such a good job. 

Suddenly I was out of bed like a shot.  Paint?  in the house?  Unsupervised?  Kitchen looks ok, bathroom looks ok.  Oh no!  carpet!  Lounge looks ok too.  What's going on?

Then I see the plastic out on the floor, same as for yesterday.  I have the painting in my hand still, so i lay it safely in the window sill and survey the room, looking for evidence that she has been naughty (other than the proof of the painting).  I notice the kitchen twoel she has used to dry the paint brush after she cleaned it.

The red paint tub is almost empty and the lid not quite on properly, but the other lids are on just fine.  The pots are slightly sticky.  They have been put back where they belong.  The zip is not quite done up though.

The bathroom sink has smears of paint in it where she has tried to wash everything.  The kitchen sink as a cup on it that is covered in paint, obviously the one she used for her paintbrush before dipping it into the next pot.  The brush is clean and on the dish rack.  As the day goes on i notice a drop of paint on the leather sofa and a smudge on the phone.  That is the sum total of the mess. 

After summing up the total of the mess as I have wandered around the house, calmed after seeing the lounge was not covered totally in paint.  I wander back to the bedroom where she is quietly waiting for my wrath.  Sitting quietly on my bed with her knees drawn up to her chest. 

I sit down beside her, she looks at me with fear 'Are you going to snack me mummy?' (she cannot say smack).  'No darling.  But you know you are not allowed to do painting without mummy.'  'Yes mummy.  I was a good girl.  I did tidy up for you.'  I had to hug her.  and essentially she had been good at what she had done, she had not ruined the carpet, she had washed the paint brush through as well as the pot that she had used for water. 

She had done exactly as I would have had we done it together.  OK, maybe the smudges would have been cleaned immediately, and th painting not carried dripping through the house.  But honestly, her method was marvellously perfect. 

And I have another painting to add to our collection.  She knows it was wrong, but her motive was pure and simple love to make me feel better again.  I love her so much.  Hope we dont have many of these days in the future, but I guess each one will be a different kinda mess.....i doubt she will ever do paint again like that though...

Although there was once in the past when it wasa sunday afternoon and a pot of black paint and she was black all over, her clothes, her hair, the floor, the carpet, the sofa.  And by the time my guests arrived i had nearly cleared it up.  Then one of the mums offered to help clean up. I said yes, and she covered the bathroom too!  Took me a week to clean it out of the grouting.  Ah! life is fun.

Today is good.  Tonight is better. 

Peace
EF.x 

Am trying to find cheap flights to UK and struggling.  If anyone can help I will appreciate it heaps. 

Dates for travel are 27th Dec - 3rd Jan 2007.

Leaving from ATL (Atlanta) or BWI (Baltimore)

Coming into LHR (London Heathrow) or BHX (Birmingham)

This is an expensive time of year to travel, and esp to book a last minute ticket.  So any sites that you know of that may help will be greatly appreciated.  I lost all mine when I restored my harddrive the other week, and can only seem to remember UK related sites.
Peace
EF.x 

One day I made up this singsong for e because i had scared her by being upset with my pc and she thought it was something she did.  Irrational but true.

"I love you
I love you
I really really love you
Aaaaahhhh
Aaaaahhhh"

The Aaaahhhh kinda goes high and low like a wave.  Now anytime we need to cheer each other up or think the other one is sad we sing it to each other.  I love it.  And although i have been happier this week than I have been for many years now she has still sung it to me today because she was glad to see me so happy.
Peace
EF.x 

Walking up to gymnastics today E decided she was gonna walk the long path whlie I went down the steps to the underpass.  Although vision isnt great in that area I said ok.  There wasnt anyone around.  She felt so grown up walking her own way to gymnastics.  LOL.  And she was so proud that she was so fast.   

On the way home she decides to do the same again as I go up the steps she has to go on the long hill.  She tackles it like a mountain, and she races.  She nearly got to our meeting place before I did.  And i only had to go up a few steps!  We met up and she loudly proclaims "blah blah blah (the traffic is loud) I beat you mummy!"  she beat me?  when?  how? 

I totally went off in the wrong direction - and it took me three goes to get that much over the sound of the traffic.  Ends up that because she ran so fast she raced (beat) me.  Oh how slow was I.  This happened 12 hours ago now and I am still marvelling at my slowness, so just had to share it.  Anyhow.  I am off to bed now.  It is 11:30.  So I am doing ok.  MySpace is taking more time for me than Minti.  But it is fun, and i am nearly sorted on there now.

Today was a luvverly day.  We achieved a lot and had much fun together as well.
Peace
EF.x