Jan. 1 =Grace(2004; lightbee daughter; Aust)
Jan. 2 =
Jan. 3 =Donna (aka elizabeth Vic.Aust.)
Jan. 4 =Dan(carebear73; Aust)
Jan. 5 = Isabelle'02 (libbylincoln's daughter)
Jan. 6 = Mat (pagen-mum-of-three's hubby S.Aust).
Jan. 7 =
Jan. 8 = Patrik (Jessgore hubby Canada)
Jan. 9 =
Jan. 10 = Gypsie(Gypsie; Aust)
Jan. 11 =Donald(Roz69 husband;  Aust Qld)
Jan. 12 = Jess Gore(Jessgore Canada) Anthony(Butterfly1956 son; S Aust)
Jan. 13 = Darren (MadChanny's partner; Aust)
Jan. 14 = mammyrebs'77; Aidan(DanessiaRose son; WA)
Jan. 15 =
Jan. 16 =
Jan. 17 = Nick (HRS2004 other half)
Jan. 18 = Debbie (aka Deborahsc2203; Aust)
Jan. 19 = Jessica(elizabeth's daughter)Vic.Aust.
Jan. 20 = Camille (Jessgore S-daughter) Canada
Jan. 21 =
Jan. 22 =
Jan. 23 =Mick (Cazza hubby, Tas)Scoobey&Stacey(Carebear surrogate kids; Aust)
Jan. 24 = Brett,'74 W.A. (cheleinkal's hubby)
Jan. 25 =Cassia(Tritch daughter, Edmonton, Canada)
Jan. 26 = Christopher'06(libbylincoln's son) Mick(Angelv701son)
Jan. 27 = Brett,W.A.(has 2 b'day's ..long story)Riagan Abbey (2006 Kric daughter, Canada)
Jan. 28 =
Jan. 29 =Jo-Anne(Butterfly1956; S Aust)
Jan. 30 =
Jan. 31 = Lisa (aka LaRenae.  TN;USA)
Feb. 1 =
Feb. 2 =
Feb. 3 =Cari(akacarebear73; Aust)
Feb. 4 =
Feb. 5 = JordynS.A.(jmrmumstheword's daughter)
Feb. 6 = Tahlia(Cristlyn daughter 2006; Aust)
Feb. 7 =
Feb. 8 =Dave(Rae44 hubby, NSW)
Feb. 9 =
Feb. 10 =
Feb. 11= Raya '04(kryztyna 's daughter B.C.Canada).John(Cookclan nephew; Aust)Terri(aka teztez, Aust)
Feb. 12 =Carlo(Cristlyn hubby; Aust)
Feb. 13 =Angie (aka Cookclan, Aust)
Feb. 14 = Rhy's '06(mammyrebs son)
Feb. 15 =Wayne(Mumof1girl's hubby; 1970; S.Aust)
Feb. 16 =
Feb. 17 =
Feb. 18 =
Feb. 19 = Cayden '04(zj's son)
Feb. 20 =
Feb. 21 =
Feb. 22 = Andrew (michellei's hubby)NT
Feb. 23 =
Feb. 24 =Corrie(Cookclan nephew; Aust)Luke(Carebears bil; Aust)Daniel(Roz69 1st son;Aust Qld)
Feb. 25 =kryztyna'80B.C.Canada
Feb. 26 = Cadence (Allyp's daughter)Canada, Equisite-Flower(UK)
Feb. 27 =
Feb. 28 =
Feb. 29 =
March. 1 =Scott(rockclimbr4400 hubby; USA)
March. 2 =
March. 3 =
March. 4 =
March. 5 =
March. 6 =
March. 7 = Kerri(aka mumof1girl; 1974; S.Aust) LightBee(Aust)
March. 8 =
March. 9 =Michelle(Butterfly1956 daughter; QLD)
March. 10 =Bron(Carebears bil's gf; Aust)
March. 11 =Matthew(Izzy & Monkeydad's son)U.S.
March. 12 = E.G(EF's daughter, UK) Mic (OzBinky son, Aust)
March. 13 =
March. 14 =Vicki(Carebear73's surrogate daughter, Aust)
March. 15 =Dwayne'05(libbylincoln's son)
March. 16 =
March. 17 =
March. 18 = Errol(elizabeths hubby)Vic.Aust. Nell18-3 (UK)
March. 19 = Sarah(Mumof1girl's daughter; 2003; S.Aust)
March. 20 =
March. 21 = Superstar,(Vic.Aust.) Angelv701(nsw;aust)
March. 22 = Marlena (aka marlenamonteiro)Rowan(blackwidowkate's son, Aust)
March. 23 = Lavinia(aka OzBinky; Aust)
March. 24 =Alexander (tinker79's son)Kaitlyn(Julielf daughter, Aust)
March. 25 =
March. 26 = Brook(tinker79's daughter)
March. 27 =
March. 28 =
March. 29 =
March. 30 =
March. 31 =
April. 1 =
April. 2 =
April. 3 =Cherie-Ann(ckelly)
April. 4 =
April. 5 =
April. 6 =Roxy(butterfly1956 granddaughter; QLD)
April. 7 =
April. 8 =
April. 9 =
April. 10 = Sharon(aka pagen-mum-of-three)S.Aust.
April. 11 =Jai(angelmum's son)Vanessa (Selly's daughter, Aust)
April. 12 =Rebecca (Roz69 2nd daughter Aust Qld)
April. 13 =
April. 14 = RhyleaghS.A.(jmrmumstheword's daughter) Kat(OzBinky daughter; Aust)Raelene(Tazette; Aust)
April. 15 = Selena(Selly - Aust)
April. 16 =
April. 17 =
April. 18 =
April. 19 =Leala (HRS2004 Daughter)
April. 20 =
April. 21 =
April. 22 =Francine(aka Franni; Aust)
April. 23 =Michellei NT
April. 24 =
April. 25 =Meggles(Aust)
April. 26 =
April. 27 =
April. 28 =
April. 29 =Emma(2004; Rae44 daughter; NSW)
April. 30 =
May 1 = Jess(OzBinky daughter; Aust)
May 2 =
May 3 =Daniel(Julielf son; Aust)
May 4 =
May 5 =
May 6 =
May 7 =Kahlia(Julielf daughter; Aust)
May 8 =
May 9 =Trish(aka Tritch; Edmonton Canada)
May 10 =Cazza (Tas)
May 11 = Ryan and Tyler (rkcrtbrown's twin son's), Ont.Canada) Debbie (aka blackwidowkate Aust)
May 12 =Nikita(Cookclan daughter; Aust)
May 13 =Chantell(aka Madchanny, Aust)Kimberley(carebear73 daughter; Aust)
May 14 =
May 15 =
May 16 =
May 17 =
May 18 =
May 19 =
May 20 =
May 21 = Scott'72(libblincoln's hubby)
May 22 = Alyp's hubby(Canada)
May 23 =
May 24 = Francis (Jessgore son)Canada
May 25 =Taylor(Tazette son 2005; Aust)
May 26 =
May 27 = Daniel and Jamie(Deborahsc2203 sons; Aust)
May 28 =
May 29 =
May 30 =
May 31 =
June 1 =
June 2 =Alyssa(2002; lightbee's daughter;Aust)
June 3 =
June 4 =
June 5 =
June 6 =Taygen(smb; NZ)
June 7=
June 8 =
June 9 =
June 10 =
June 11 =
June 12 =Chloe (cazza daughter#2 Tas)
June 13 =
June 14 =Jordan(teztez fiance; Aust)
June 15 =
June 16 =
June 17 = Kellie (aka rockclimbr4400, USA)
June 18 =
June 19 = Zara '75(aka zj)
June 20 =
June 21 =Lachlan(2006; Rae44 son; NSW)
June 22 =
June 23 = Daniel (Nell18-3's son UK)
June 24 =
June 25 =
June 26 =
June 27 =Kellie(rockclimbr4400, USA)
June 28 =
June 29 =
June 30 =
July 1 = MacKenzieS.A.(jmrmumstheword's daughter)
July 2 =
July 3 =
July 4 =
July 5 =Dennis(DanessiaRose fiance;WA)
July 6 = Tink1976. U.K. Aidan (Cookclan son; Aust)
July 7 =
July 8 =Michaela(Cookclan daughter; Aust)
July 9 =
July 10 =
July 11 =Peachynowamum; Sharon (aka DanessiaRose;WA)
July 12 =
July 13 =darren (blackwidowkate hubby; Aust)
July 14 =Tigger(carebear73's surrogate son; Aust)
July 15 =
July 16 = Kelley (aka rkcrtbrown)
July 17 =
July 18 =Shaney(Meggles son; Aust)
July19 = Monkeydad (Izzy's hubby)U.S.
July 20 =
July 21 =Koen (Madchanny's son, Aust)lilian('05; Franni daughter; Aust)
July 22 =
July 23 = Madison(madisonsMommy's daughter)
July 24 =
July 25 =
July 26 =
July 27 =
July 28 =
July 29 =
July 30 = Rachel Cook(Clay's wife)- Jason(madisonsmommy's Hubby) Rae44(NSW)
July 31 =
Aug. 1 = Aaron(Lauren125 husband; Aust)
Aug. 2 =
Aug. 3 =
Aug. 4 =Cristlyn(Cristlyn; Aust)Tony(Butterfly1956 hubby; S Aust)
Aug. 5 = Fiona(AKA angelmum)- Jason(ckelly's hubby)
Aug. 6 =
Aug. 7 =Tiana(Cookclan niece; Aust)
Aug. 8 = Julielf (Aust)
Aug. 9 = Izzy.(Monkeydads Mrs)U.S. Lacey(Lauren125 daughter; Aust)
Aug. 10 =Tazz(Tazzette hubby aust)
Aug. 11 =Shyenne(Cookclan niece; Aust)
Aug. 12 =
Aug. 13 =
Aug. 14 = Skylar'06(peachynowamum's daughter)
Aug. 15 = Hayley(pagen-mum-of-three's daughter)S.Aust.
Aug. 16 =
Aug. 17 =
Aug. 18 =
Aug. 19 =
Aug. 20 =
Aug. 21 = Chele '71(cheleinkal) W.A.
Aug. 22 = Lauren125 (aust)
Aug. 23 =
Aug. 24 = Libby'75(aka libbylincoln)Taylor Ellen Jean (1995; Kric 1st son, Canada)
Aug. 25 =
Aug. 26 =
Aug. 27 = peachynowamum's hubby
Aug. 28 =
Aug. 29 =Brodie (Cazza son, Tas)
Aug. 30 = Codi Cook(Clay & Rachel's son)Roz (akaRoz69 Aust Qld)
Aug. 31 = Samantha (Angelv701 daughter, Aust)
Sept. 1 =
Sept. 2 =
Sept. 3 = Clay Cook(Rachel's Hubby)Kadison(Cristlyn son Aust)
Sept. 4 =
Sept. 5 =
Sept. 6 = Teresa(aka MadisonsMommy)
Sept. 7 =
Sept. 8 =
Sept. 9 =
Sept. 10 =
Sept. 11 = Steven(tinker79's son)
Sept. 12 =
Sept. 13 =
Sept. 14 =Chris (Nell18-3's son, UK)
Sept.15 =Ezekiel(Julielf son; Aust)
Sept. 16 =
Sept. 17 =Brad(tinker79's hubby)Canada Krystal(Roz69 1st daughter;Aust Qld)
Sept. 18 =Xanthia(angelmum'sdaughter)aust, Brayden(tinker79's son)Canada
Sept. 19 = Jayd(angelmum's son)aust - Sebastian'02(zj's son)
Sept. 20 =
Sept. 21 =Julie(aka mummyofone; USA)
Sept. 22 = Isaac(ckelly's son)
Sept. 23 =Kallid(elizabth's son)Vic.Aust
Sept. 24 =
Sept. 25 =
Sept. 26 =
Sept. 27 = mammyrebs hubby'78 Nicholas(Butterfly1956 son; S Aust)
Sept. 28 =
Sept. 29 =
Sept. 30 = Amy(Tink1976's daughter)U.K.
Oct 1=
Oct. 2 =
Oct. 3 =
Oct. 4 =
Oct. 5 =
Oct. 6 =Scott(julielf hubby; Aust)
Oct. 7 =
Oct. 8 = Ally P (allyp) Canada
Oct. 9 =
Oct. 10=Janie(carebear73's daughter; Aust)
Oct. 11 =
Oct. 12 = Caitlyn (Cazza daughter#1, Tas)
Oct. 13 =Jacob (Larenae son, TN; USA)
Oct. 14 =
Oct. 15 = Rick'73(aka zj's hubby)
Oct. 16 =
Oct. 17 =
Oct. 18 =
Oct. 19 =
Oct. 20 =
Oct. 21 =
Oct. 22 =
Oct. 23 =
Oct. 24 =
Oct. 25 = Jalan (blackwidowkate daughter; Aust)
Oct. 26 =Kylie (Angelv701 daughter, aust)
Oct. 27=
Oct. 28 =
Oct. 29 =
Oct. 30 =Madison(rockclimbr4400; USA)Danessia(DanessiaRose daughter; WA)
Oct. 31 =
Nov. 1 =
Nov. 2 = Helen (aka HRS2004)
Nov. 3 =
Nov. 4 =
Nov. 5 =Joshua(Roz69 2nd son;Aust Qld)
Nov. 6 =
Nov. 7 =
Nov. 8 = Karla(AKA tinker79), Canada.
Nov. 9 =
Nov. 10 =jmrmumstheword's Sth Aust
Nov. 11 = Olivia '04NT Luke(OzBinky son; Aust)
Nov. 12 =
Nov.13 =
Nov. 14 =
Nov. 15 =
Nov. 16 =
Nov. 17 = Ken(Cookclan hubby, Aust)Megan(blackwidowkate daughter, aust)Alexia(mummyofonedaughter; USA)Nicholas John Ross (1998 Kric 2nd son, Canada)
Nov. 18 =
Nov. 19 = Ros66(aust)
Nov. 20 = Amy (Nell18-3's daughter, UK)
Nov. 21=
Nov. 22 =
Nov. 23 =
Nov. 24 =Kyle(mummyofone hubby; USA)
Nov. 25 =
Nov. 26 =
Nov. 27 =Murray(Franni partner; Aust)
Nov. 28 =
Nov. 29 =
Nov. 30 =
Dec. 1 =
Dec. 2 = Austin'99(libbylincoln's son)Sammie(carebear73's daughter; Aust)
Dec. 3 =
Dec. 4 =
Dec. 5 = Austin'04(marlenamonteiro)
Dec. 6=Natalie(pagen-mum-of-three's daughter)S.Aust.
Dec. 7 = Nyle (HRS2004's Son)
Dec. 8 =
Dec. 9 =
Dec. 10 =Cydney (rkcrtbrown' s daughter)Ont.Canada
Dec. 11 =
Dec. 12 =
Dec. 13 =
Dec. 14 =
Dec. 15 =
Dec. 16 = Jacob(pagen-mum-of-three's son)S.Aust
Dec. 17 =
Dec. 18 =
Dec. 19 =
Dec. 20 =
Dec. 21 =Aidan(Deborahsc2203 son; Aust)
Dec. 22 =
Dec. 23 =
Dec. 24 =
Dec. 25 = Ailish-Jayde '05(cheleinkal's daughter)W.Aust.
Dec. 26 =
Dec. 27 =
Dec. 28 =Thomas (Nell18-3's son, UK)
Dec. 29 =
Dec. 30 =
Dec. 31 =Rob (rkcrtbrown's husband)Ont.Canda

Last year a few advice articles were published re: New Years Resolutions.  I am pretty good at keeping mine as I usully choose one thing and stick at it until it is a habit, then choose another, and i prioritise them through the year.  If I stop one for any reason then I just start it up again as and when I can knowing that it held for so many months and it stopped for a while - usually for an acceptable reason.  Such as if my aim were to read for a period of time every evening, it may stop because there is no book available.  Why is there no book available?  Because I have no money to actaully buy a new one at the moment in time and the library hours changed and they are never open when I go past any more....gee, I ran up some fines last year with that one!!!

OK.  I digress.  My aim this year was to choose a word as suggested in No More New Year's Resolutions!  At the time I was toying with the word 'Trust' because I am increasingly becoming an old cynical baggage with little faith in people.  And as time went on it redefined as being more about not being so distrustful.  So although I dont have to trust people so much, I should give them more of a chance.  So I was doing all this real great, hadnt really thought about it all that much to be honest, with everything else, but it was always in the back of my mind. 

Until yesterday.  My world feel about my ears.  I think I have managed to hide it from E which is an amazing accomplishment for me as I rarely can have any secret from her - she is astute and she knows me better than I know myself - i would say she knows me inside out, but that is rather graphic to me right now.  Back to last evening.  I found out that something I believe to be true may have just been fantasy, and I am struggling (even now) to come to terms with that.  I barely remember much of last night at all.  And yet this morning my trust in people feels to be threatened. I dont want that to happen, I have enjoyed the small improvements I have made in that area.  I am sure being aware of it now will help me to contain the 'damage' and start fixing it again.  

I feel such a fool.

But I do remember my friend in Wales was online with me all day.  I was doing the sunday message on the online service to give her a break, but i also got her to read it over before i posted it up in case it was inapporpriate as I wanted it to be something that everyone who read it could relate to, so it needed many layers.  E was helping me - as children do - by being a complete distraction which made things take longer than they should have, but it was all good.  Each section ended up with a pretty pink background just for her.  Then through the evening we were still chatting, and finally at 11:30 we decided it was bedtime and I felt all wrung out, like there was nothing left of me.  I felt emotionally wrung dry, this was worse than that drained feeling I get sometimes.  I could barely think, speak and i couldnt even rest.  Took me until 1am to turn out the light. 

This morning I feel like I need some pampering, but I dont know how or what or where to go.  I have not pampered myself in years, and I have some money saved now that was for a different purpose which I think I should spend some if not all on me - just blow it, but on what?  There is so much i want and need, but where to start?  All are things I can manage without, even the things i need - like a hair cut.  Although that would be lovely I havent got the time as the place i go to gets all their clients in first thing in the morning/afternoon and then you get done when your name is called, it is a training school.  And it is boring for E, maybe I could go one thursday when i dont need to worry about her....good thought. 

Well, maybe I have just solved a little of my problem.  When i was at uni I used to buy lipstick or nail varnish as I wasnt all that girly, but thought that that was a real indulgence because of the fact that i hardly ever used the stuff.  I am all over the place today I think.  I keep losing my train of thought, but a train would at least be more orderly. I still feel wrung out and  somehow lost.  i am sure I will straighten out later on today.  Gonna sit down and actually watch some telly, see if that helps.  McLeod's Daughters is on ...they usually entertain me.
Peace
EF.x 

Raising awareness of the problem of people trafficking and campaigning for change.

Freedom Day is March 25th, 2007. 

This is a chance to speak up and 'STOP THE TRAFFIK!'

Peace
EF.x 

E's first experience of snow - making footprints in the freshly fallen snow nearly 3 years ago now.  WOW!  How time flies.
I said I would post this one after posting her playing in the little bit of snow left on Wednesday morning this week. 
Peace
EF.x 

Well, E has decided that she doesnt like her beauty spot - she spent about 5 minutes looking into the mirror this afternoon, trying to work out how to get it off her face.  I dont know what caused it, but when she was about 6 months old she got what looked liek a blood blister which is thre to this day.  health visitor says it is nothing, so I have just had to accept it, but now I am faced with what looks like raging teenage hormones as she worries about getting it off.  Not being vain i did find it amusing, but it was also a shocking insight into what I may be up against int he future years...just hope that I am truly up to this motherhood lark when we get to that stage.
Peace
EF.x 

We all know that honesty is the best thing, and even when it is painful it is better than withholding the truth, sometimes it can hurt and there are always ways of telling the whole truth in a nice way - it is just finding the right time and place before it becomes an issue of not saying anything.

Woah!  I can hear ya say it.  Where is all this coming from.  Well.  I shared something on Tuesday night with the man of my dreams.  It was done over the phone and it was the kinda thing that I would much rather have shared in person regardless of the time we are having to wait while we save up for travel fare. 

He actually took things real well while we were talking, and considering that I was hopeful that things wouldnt change based on what we talked of.  He had been having doubts about the distance we live from each other and how it is difficult and so on, it was really getting him down, then his friend died and I couldnt comfort him really.  So this has been another rough week for him, but I know that we had to have that particular discussion at that time. 

So now he is on his way home for the weekend - wlel actually he is going tomorrow, but he said to me today that he is gonna let me know when he comes back what the reality is for us, and i know he loves me and i know i love him like crazy, but I am so scared that this distance is just gonna kill his resolve and we will be just never finding anyone because we love each other, but not able to do anything about it because we will be so far from each other. 

I cant stop weeping, and E is still up, and it is wrong, she shouldnt see me like this.  But the tears wont stop welling up.  I just cannot imagine being without him, and I was thinking we would be married by the end of this year - what we had discussed already and what we were aiming for - but he cannot wait that long.... Ihave said to him good bye until tuesday when he gets back, because i cannot talk to him tonight knowing that thsi is all in his mind, because it is all up in mine as well, ut it is for him to think through not for us to discuss now.  And I miss him so desperately badly. 

Oh man.  I am so emotional right now.  I apologise for all this gibberish, but if I keep typing I cant cry too much because I have to be able to see what i am writing and the other thing is that then I am busy and E wont notice anything is wrong either.  I miss him, and I just want to be with him again, because he is the only man in all my life who has made me truly happy and feel safe and secure.  he is the one I have measured all others against and they all came up wanting. 

I know there is nothing more I can do for now. But my heart is hurting so sadly. 
Sorry to be such a soppy wimp
Peace
EF.x 

WOW.  Cool, these tiles I can use as pics also...lol...i love learning new things...
Back later - gotta finish a valentines back before teatime.
Peace
EF.x 

WEll girls and boys, it snowed here last night, it was so beautiful watching it fall.  E woke up and was restless for a while, she fell asleep just as it was starting.  I stayed up all night on the phone and internet often checking on it and seeing it just drifting by.  Had a gret night chatting.  I am so happy!!! and apparently it shows cuz all the parents were commenting this morning at gymnastics while we were socialising.  whoo hoo!!!  It is about time I looked that happy again...
Well must get on and have some one on one time with my girl - she appears to have disappeared and i guess that means she is missing me.  I shall try post a pic of her playing in what was left of our small snowfall later on.
Peace
EF.x 

Man, I never knew you even existed until this morning.  From what i hear you did not deserve to be killed, you were too young with too much to live for, with too much to achieve still. I am sorry that I never got to meet you.  I wish I could comfort those affected by your loss.  But I am just me, just here, doing my thing. 
May you rest in peace and may you be remembered for the good times shared with those who loved you.
Peace

Yay!  Looks like I may well be able to afford to get this for my birthday from E, and if she wants to get me something else then maybe i can get it from me for me.  I can hardly believe that it is true!!!  Anyhow, I am off to bed now, get some beauty sleep and good dreams
Peace
EF.x 

I was just reading TMM's Cultivating Kindness in Kids and got to thinking about a teenager whom I have visit occasionally and how although she is sweet and tough as boots and keeps her street cred up to date, she shows us her sweet side because we are kind to her - she responds in kind.  To the point that last year I got some kinda cold and it laid me out, so she took E for a walk, made food for us, cooking pancakes etc.  She gave back as she had freely been given.  It was such a treat.

Last ngiht a friend whom I havent seen in ages but lives nearby came past, today we were there and I helped her sort some books etc, as she was going through she found a couple of books that I had given her and she treasure them so much.  These random acts of kindness that i did because i could, not because I had an agenda or an ulterior motive, I realise as I read this article (see above) that I have these friends because I was just me, I was just kind and I was just real.   Wa = am.  Things havent changed. 

oooh!  My ego is boosted.  Thank you TMM for helping me see this.  It is nice to have something so pleasant pointed out to you and realise that simple kindness won the day!  But beofre you all think I am saintly - it aint true, I just do kind things sometimes - and it pays off!!!
Peace
EF.x 

Just wanna say thank you to everyone for all the kind comments/prayers/encouragement etc.  Also a big thank you to all the children who have sent kind thoughts.  This week has been real hard and it is the first time I have faced this as a medical condition as opposed to a personal problem that I must beat. 

Having never spoken on it before and ctaully adjusting has been strange, but thanks to my parents and you guys I am going strong and it is somehow amazing!  I feel happy and strong, even when I am at my tiredest and most frazzled. 

People have even commented!  E is happier now and stronger in herself also as her fever has broken and she has done so well at preschool each day including a full day yesterday.  Tank you again everyone.
Peace
EF.x 

This is what E wrote for him the other day as a gift for Peter.  Just had to share it as this is my major brag at the moment. 
Peace
EF.x 

Although E has been in nursery for years, this is her first full day at pre-school with her own little lunch box etc.  She will be having it as I sit here writing this.  It is an odd feeling to not be collecting her right now and bringing her home for lunch, but it is also nice knowing that i have wored well this morning and achieved a lot and that I can now have a rest before i go get her and have energy for races and jumping and whatever games we play on our way home. 

She still had a temperature this morning, but I gave her medicine and there are no other symptoms, so I have told the pre-school about it, but whatever it is that is causing this is not something that I feel I can keep her home for if she is not tired or ill in any other way.  At least there she will use up her energy and have a nice day, and if they need me they know where to call me.  Far better than being home, bored and feeling fine.  I am a little concerned that there is always a reason for a temperature and why has she been running such a high temp for so long?  But I think that it will all come clear soon enough.  Hopefully it will be over by the weekend and we can have some fun together.  I am wondering about seeing if I have any money left over and being totally frivilous this weekend and heading off to london just because. 

So far today I have found out that if I claim for a health related benefit I can get extra help to find a job, so need to find out if i am eligible for this benefit.  I am not keen on accepting more benefits though as I feel like I am some kinda sponge on the state and not making my own way in life.  I want to be independent and able to successfully support us, regardless of this tiredness or other related things.  Surely it is possible, if I can only find the right occupation.

Well, got heaps to do this afternoon; need to design some more pages for one of the websites, and then invent the text.  Should take me an hour or two, so shall sleep for an hour now to recharge.  I love being productive, even if it is just fun things, at the end of the day I can see that I have achieved so much this day and if only I could be paid for some of it....lol... dream on.  I am getting fixated.
Peace
EF.x 

Just because you drive a car
and just because you can see me
does not mean that I see you
with this wind, this rain and this cold

So if you want me to cross before you
please gesture
close to the window
closer
that is right, up there by the steering wheel
I can see you now!

Today is just so dark
So cold
so rainy
and so so windy!

Thank you kind sir
Kind lady
for allowing me to cross
on this rainy, windswept, coldish day

I hope you have a lovely day,
Mine is better now that that particular driver came to a halt - gesturing wildly to allow me to cross that little road, but way back in the car - not anywhere where I might see it on a good day, let alone a day like today.  LOL.  I hope that that driver has a good day too and finds where they were goingto.
Peace
EF.x 

P.S.  I realise that this is no real attempt at poetry, I am just in a weird mood today.  I think that is a good thing considering the week I have had.  And so I just decided to change the format.  No ofence to real poets intended...oh! that is me.  ho hum. 

Despite being up at 3am and dozing for a whlie in the lounge we have successfully visited the headmaster AND been to gymnastics today.  What a marvellous achievement for us - in my book!!!  (But we did take the bus up the long hill and back again because we went shopping and with us both being tired and E having her headache until sometime during gymnastics it seemed the better thing to do).

Headmaster visit:  Great guy.  Incredible discipline based on respect and orderliness.  I like it there and i like his attitude to learning and teaching.  E got a pink balloon, and then we went to his office to chat and he did a few magic tricks whcih really brought E out of herself and she tried them too.  It was incredible.  She picked up on them quickly and was even able to do a couple by the time we left.  I was so braindead that he must have found me amusing in the not-so-good sense.  but I got the gumph to read through, so i am sure that if there are any questionst aht I have that are not covered in there that I will be able to do that just fine.  Half way through the chat E piped up asking for a balloon for mummy too.  So he went off to get me one after enquiring as to what colour she thought mummy might like.  Little sweetie.  He uses helium, so we have two little helium balloons around the house now which is kinda festive.

Gymnastics:  Went well, she didnt do the bar work this week cuz she said she felt sick.  Other than the headache and the awful temperature that she had last night there hadnt been anything else, so I am hoping it is in sympathy to what she imagines is going on with me than anything serious.  But shall keep an eye out just in case.  We were gonna go for a walk this afternoon to visit a friend, but I think we shall stay home and she can rest and I will learn some more background making tips.  Other than that she had a great time at gymnastics and really enjoyed herself as usual, and we got special bread (her favourite) when we went shopping. 

Must get off to the library now that she has had something to eat and return our books before it closes.
Peace
EF.x 

Well guys.  I was asleep by 11:30pm.  It is now 3:27am E has a T`c. So we are watchin Mickey Mouse Christmas DVD and waiting for it to drop.  She has been crying for what I would estimate to be the last hour and has just in the past 5 mins stopped.  Her headache is gone apparently.  Yay!  My chin is being tapped telly-wards so I can enjoy the deklights instead of tapping away on here.  Can u believe ! am rearanged onto the sofa so I could turn this lot on and have something to keep me awake while I wait for her to settle back to rest again.
More later - we got our headmaster meeting today.  Hope we can still go. 
Peace
EF.x 

Finally had the dreaded appt with the consultant this morning.  They ran some more tests as they are thinking of putting me on meds.  Downside is that they will be for life, and have to be taken with uncanny regularity, upside is that I will regain some of my energy and so not sleep permanently as I have been for about the past 5 months.

That will be great, because on the days when I do sleep I feel so bad for E.  But there is nothing else I can do - I am literally incapable of putting one foot before the other except to do what is needed of me, such as feed e before collapsing back into bed for several more hours of oblivion. 

So maybe I can start seeing myself as a good mummy again.  Having said that if I have somewhere to be or something to be doing I can always get up and out and do it and lie a normal life that no one would guess that I was just tired all the time.  Or exhausted.  I am glad in a sense that it is a medical problem, because although that scares the S**t out of me, at least it is treatable and it is not ME or Depression.  I knew that already, but the possibility has haunted me and worried me occasionally on those bad days. 

Right now I want a hug and just to know that someone is there, and although my mum and brother were here all day and mum was in with me this morning I still feel alone.  How daft is that.  But I guess it is human too. I know that the man i love is miles away and I haven't been able to talk to him today because of time differences and other life commitments.  I wish I could see him and be comforted.  I know that I am OK now which is a relief.  But i still want that physical reassurance from him.  sweet huh. 

It has been such a relief that I just want to cry and thank God for looking after me all night long. 

I am still scared that I may need to have medication, hope that these tests come back saying that i don't need it somehow, but then the thought that the tiredness will go away if I am on meds....oh boy!  I will have energy again, I will be able to go out every day for a walk in the morning, and then again in the afternoon go visit people.  I will be able to work and take an interest in hobbies without knowing that at least one day of my week will be spent in bed resting as a result of that.  I will be able to run with my energetic daughter everywhere she wants to go to because I will have the energy to share the joy of life with her properly again, and I wont have to stop her from trying to involve me in her games because I am too tired and watch that disappointment that (again) I have said no to her when I never ever used to deny some playtime. 

The weirdest thing about all this is that there are two tests being done, and one says i need the meds, and the other says i don't. I know that God knows what is going on, but it just seems weird and ever so strange to see the way things have gone with that. 

I could go on and on all night, but I think maybe I should head off to bed.  Get me some rest.  Got a tour of he school E will be attending at 9am and then the long walk up to gymnastics after that.  Wow.  I will get my energy back in a few weeks if I go on these meds - or alternatively if my body sorts itself out, and I will be able to be a decent mama again. That is so so cool.  I have not got a clue what I have written here today, so i hope it makes nonsense and that the typos are not to bad.
Peace
EF.x 

I have gotten E into pre-school all day thursdays now, so prayer would be muchly appreciated for some work that will not ruin the benefits I am on, but that would give me an interest outside the home, although I am prepared to work from home as well, as long as it is interacting with people and giving me something to work towards.  I miss deadlines and adult interaction. 
I am desperate to work so much, and I am angry right now that people think that I dont work cuz i am too lazy to find the right job.  If only it were that simple, but finding childcare for E is a little more complex than me being too lazy.  If I could work full time nights as a nurse I would be able to support us independently and write off some of my debts rather quicker.
Peace
EF.x 

Does anyone out there have any idea about the state of the NHS in blackpool?  Are there jobs for nurses up there?  Are there likely to be jobs up there later on this year?  At present there is nothing on their website, but that doesnt necessarily mean that they have stopped recruiting nurses altogether.  The local hospial has again stopped for the new year until the end of the financial year, whereas the hospitals where my mother works are all stopped for good because their debt is so much and they are having massive closures. 

I have never imagined moving north in the UK, I anticipated going south or at least as far as london again.  If anyone can help me out I will be appreciative.  There appears to be a slimmest of all slim chances that I might move up there and if so I might also be able to work - YAY! 
Peace
EF.x 

I could work.

Either successfully from home, or have someone look after my daughter of a night so I could work nights as a nurse and earn some decent money to live again. 

I wish... I wish... I wish...
(oops, that reminds me of R Kelly)
Peace
EF.x 

Seeing as Chele has been away a while I have collated all the birthdays onto a new list for her, am wondering if anyone can go over it and make sure that I have done it right...names and numbers make my head swim after a while and I am hoping that I have done ok.  If you are interested please let me know here and I will Minti-mail the list through.
Cheers
EF.x 

How cool is this???  This morning I made it to bed about 4:30 am having been dozing on the sofa.  E woke at 6 apu, so I got her sorted then went back to sleep.  At 9:30 I woke up to find her at the windowsill and when I asked her waht she was doing she informed me that she was getting my breakfast.  Thiking this was some game i said 'Oh thank you love.'  She turns around with the bowl in her hand and tells me that she cut up the banana for me into the bowl ready for my dinner (meaning breakfast). 

It was delicious - as Banana is.  She had gotten her little pink knife; that we now keep in the kitchen so she can help me with cooking/baking/food preparation etc; and she had put the bruised ibts into the bin and left the skin on the bench and served it up with her special pink picnic spoon. She even dressed up in her christmas dress and one of my scarves around her to make it special.   I say roll on mothers day - you never know - i may actually get the mothers day of story books this year...lol

Where did she get the iea from?  We never do breakfast in bed...I mean, usually she gets up and because she is up tjhen I am up too.  It is such a sweet idea of hers.  And I have felt all special all day from it.  Well, best stop rambling now
Peace
EF.x 

E and her Papa doing threading during the christmas hols.  It was great fun and a very special time for them both. 
Peace
EF.x 

I was up from 4:30 yesterday.  I came online especially to chat to someone which was really awesome and specail.  Then I was meant to see a brother while E was in pre-school, so once she woke up she did some art work including writing his name on a piece of paper all on her own - i guided her a little on the letter sequence, but she did the rest - it was gorgeous.  She also asked me to draw a page of hearts which she coloured in, and finally put a kiss on one of the 'birthday invitations' that she designed last november (her birthday is in march) and wanted to give to him.  As things turned out I did not see him yesterday, but we have saved everything for the time that we do see him again.  E has been quite grown up about it really.  As a direct result of not seeing him yesterday i had a lovely relaxed day and achieved all that I had to with minimum of effort, organisation or thought - which, when I was sitting watcing TV last night amazed me because I was relaxed to the point i was almost horizontal all day. (not literally obviously)
In the afternoon E played several games that flowed into each other that went from her going to work adn changing her clothes for the purpose to coming to visit me because i had a house full of guests and then she went away and came back the next day again to visit - this happened a few times, and then suddenly everyone was staying with me like a holiday and there was a pile of clothes in the middle of the floor being packed into her bag because she had had a lovely holiday with me but it was time to go home to her home now, and later on she came and took everyone to th park for me after she had collected them from school!!!  Took about 2-3 hours total to play this game that was several rolled into one, and we were fine as long as I played out my role correctly and said the right words - which were corrected if said wrongly.  She is getting very assertive and bossy - just like her mother - I hope it mellow sagain son - to be truly like her mother.  Stubborn bossy streak surrounded by cushions of lovley charm so people rarely notice how bossed they are being....lol
Today is a brand new day. I have no plans at all which hopefully means after I fly under the radar and cleanse my 'hotspots' got one I am working on in the kitchen and another in the bedroom also, as well, as the coffee table that will forever be a challenge to me while we are in this home.)  I will be able to start my little library of different coloured backgrounds for various occasions.  I am hoping to get two or three of each of the colours I use most often, and then several for the upcoming seasonal celebrations like valentines and easter and birthdays before these things are on me and I 'need them yesterday'.  Really dont wanna be rushed in any designs I do.  It would remove the joy.  Unfortunately it seems that the html used for these does not transfer to Minti - but I have used them in a few emails so far to close friends and family and so far everyone is pleased with what I have done for them. 
Well, better get a start on with today.  Catch y'all later on
Peace
EF.x 

I have jsut been exploring all the gorgeous tiles that i can use to make backgrounds - it is more addictive than minti!!!  So many different colours - I actually have to remove myself from the chair and play with E, make food, etc.  I have never had this problem before....

This flybaby is flying low, but still flying....I am pleased that things are still going forward and that I am beginning to get the hang of these hotspots.  My main one is my coffee table...lol.  great dumping ground
Peace
EF.x 

Wow!  These flybaby steps are surely easy to do for the first few days....lol...but it is great being so motivated and being able to search the rest of the site for other tips on keeping a tidy home.  Tomorrow I am planning and setting up a new prayer group which should be interesting and will hopefully only take me a couple of weeks - considering I only have a couple of hours each day to give to it I am hoping that things go smoothly.  Along with achieving my tidy home I think this will be plenty to get on with while E is at pre-school, then I will have my evenings for Minti and classwork/homework.  Cant wait to start on the tags etc.  There are so many that I want to make for me let alone for friends and family. 
Well, guess I had better shove off for the night....my typing is getting slower and slower....
Peace
EF.x 

What a weekend.  I have been alone all weekend.  Everyone I know has been catching up with family afetr christmas etc, so I have spent hours just playing with e and minti-ing. I cannot believe the number of advice articles I have read here this weekend.  I am sure it is astronomical.  I am actually three pages into the advice - although it keeps changing....lol....best part is that most times i am here but not here or I am here for a period of time then gone for a period of time to play or whatever we are up to around the house and so on.....It is all good, things will settle down again this week with everyone back to work and school and things kicking off again. I am learning to make backgrounds, and hope by the end of this week to have cracked all three different styles so then I can move onto making tags and siggies.  Must get my scanner working so I can scan in some pictures that we design ourselves here.
Well, I am off now to practice some more bkgds and get an early night.
Peace
EF.x 

lol...i am already a flybaby flop!!!....i was up early again this morning, then when i was tired (7am) E woke up.... I fed her...watered her... and went back to bed to sleep......woke at some point cuz E wanted lunch, and then actually 'got up' for the day at 1pm.  How terrible is that???  I am sure I feel a lot better for it, although we have missed out on a lovely long walk...we will just have to go on it tomorrow!....ah me.  We are about to go out now to the shops quickly....when E gets off the phone to my dad.  She hadn't told him about her dentist appt yet, so we had to call him to let him know how shiny her teeth are.  I feel that I am rambling now, so gonna go....
Peace
EF.x 

It is nearly 6am and I have been up an hour already.  I turned on the PC as I do every morning, everything was in order for the day already - so I decided to check out flylady.net and see what it is all about.  First thing I do is see the sink shining thing - well i am always trying to get this sink clean, so I decide to do this and during the hour it takes to sit I will check out the site some more. 

So I get back to the computer only to discover that I have achieved lesson one.  How cool.  Now I am checking out step two.  I do get dressed each day, although shoes is not something I have ever been fond of, but hair and makeup is something I was doing last year in a similar attempt to 'become a lady'.  So shall continue with that and keep looking 'smart', it does make such a difference when talking even to businesses and cold callers on the phone!!!  Even the difference between trackpants to slouch around in or a loose skirt - loose skirt always makes me feel ebtter even though i have a general aversion to skirts (an aversion that I am working on losing - need to be more of a lady...ladies wear skirts...)

Gotta take things one day at a time though, so I think implementing this is positive.  Now gotta do the same again tomorrow.  I now have an hour before E wakes, so shall sign off here and do some bible reading - it has been slack recently also due to other time constraints.  And I do want to maintain that daily habit again.
Well, mustn't sit here all day...
Peace
EF.x 

Yay!  E's tooth is now clean as the rest.  It is beautiful.  no comment on her oral hygiene, so I hope that everything is ok.  He just used his special instruments and E sat on my knee like the last time and it was all good.  She is so happy to have no 'dirty' mark there now.  Long walk, but lovely in the rain and through all the shops etc.

Gonna learn how to make pretty backgrounds now before E has her schooltime. 
Peace
EF.x 

well we are home again.  Due to see the dentist tomorrow at 12:25.  It is a two hour walk there and a two hour walk back, so gonna pack loads of snacks and drinks even though it is so cold to give us energy to make it.  No buses go there at all - there are some from here into town - but that is only 20 mins of the walk, so may as well walk it for the amount of money it would sting me. 

OK. Moan over...E will get her tooth seen to tomorrow.  Dentists in the Uk are so unhelpful it is amazing that they are able to get away with it.  Mum was like I will not work for the NHS if this is how they treat people, because I ewas asking for NHS emergency appt for E as I didnt want to pay out £50 for her little tooth straight after christmas when I dont have £50 to spend!!!

Ou r dentist is great and doesnt seem to subscribe to the general attitude of dentists over the rest of the country which is a great relief.  My mind is one track tongiht, all I can think about is making sure I am awake to take her in the morning.

Today we saw my brother who is still in hospital, although he is going home tomorrow - we spent 2 hours with him today.  It was lovley.  Cleared up some things with him and he is all good again.  He has a special bed at home now and will be getting some weird attachment for his current wheelchair so that they dont have to buy a new one.  not sure how that will help him, but hope that he stays well and gets to enjoy a good amount of time at home now.  E couldnt get enough of him and kept sitting on his knee for cuddles and kisses which was so special as she hasnt been sure about him recently as we have not been able to see him in so long.  Seems they are back on track to having her sit on his knee as we ride around town - just hope he is allowed to see us when he is home again and can meet up in town sometime.

Well.  Best get this cough to bed.  Looking forward to catching up with friends old and new over the next few days and weeks.  Hope the new year is being good to people.
Peace
EF.x