I normally quite enjoy having an evening to myself, on those nights when Warren and Michael have dinner with Warren's parents. Perhaps it's because this is the second night in a row (normally it's only once a fortnight) that I'm feeling really lonely. Perhaps it's because I watched the Muppet Show with Peter Sellers while I was eating dinner, and thought about all those wonderful talents who are no longer with us (Peter Sellers, Jim Henson, Jerry Juhl). Perhaps it's because Kermit sang "Being Green".

Or perhaps it's because Michael turns 6 tomorrow. He's growing up and is going to need me less, which is both good and bad. And of course it's also 6 years since Grandma died. I still don't know how to reconcile two of the most momentous events in my life both happening on the same day - and of course, being alone, I find myself thinking a lot about Grandma. She would have been so happy to have a great-grandchild, and I hope that she's somewhere knowing that I'm thinking about her, and watching the next generation growing up. And now I've gone from a little melancholy to tearful.

So I guess it's time to focus on tomorrow. Michael's present is wrapped (and so is Z's since the party is tomorrow) and hidden in Warren's wardrobe. The party is all organised, I picked up the drinks on Friday and I think J was buying the chips and collecting the cake today, in readiness for tomorrow. Let's hope the kids have a good time. I think they will - certainly Michael and Z will because they love bowling.

I wrapped Michael's Chanukah present last night too, since it's only a week away and I don't have that much spare time now that it's school holidays. I thought I would get so much done yesterday while Michael was with Warren's parents for the day, but I'm still adjusting to my new routine with work and fitting in chores around it. So by the time I'd done the shopping, had some lunch, put on some dishes (when the dishwasher was full enough), I was completely shattered and ended up having an afternoon nap! So much for phoning Medicare and Centrelink! So much for dealing with the wet washing!

As much as it's a strangely hard adjustment - harder than I'd have expected, since I'm only working 3 hours a day - it feels really good to be working again. When we stopped trying for another baby, I got really depressed - as if doing IVF wasn't depressing enough - and started to feel that nothing I did mattered. Did it really matter if I did the laundry or if Warren did? Did it really matter if I took Michael to school or if Warren did? Did it really matter if I organised dinner or not? Even though logic tells me that those things are important to keeping our family functioning smoothly, it got harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. Now I have a new purpose and it's something I can't lean on Warren for. It also helps that it's a new position and I'm the first person to do it, and especially that it's in an aged care facility. Even though I have basically no patient contact, I know that what I do helps the nurses, physios and occupational therapists do their jobs, and that's a really uplifting feeling. And it doesn't hurt that some of my old work clothes are too big these days!

That was all a bit long and rambling. I guess I shouldn't blog with the TV on. I'm not really watching it or even particularly interested in what's on, but every so often it grabs my attention and I lose my train of thought.

So goodnight Grandma. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope you're out there somewhere, toasting your great-grandson's sixth birthday with a hearty "L'Chaim" (To Life).