Ok so after getting only about 5 hours sleep last night I forced myself to wake up so that I could meet Mum at Bunnings to grab the sand for Jesse's sandpit as well as some tarps to keep the dog out of it when Jesse's not playing in it. Jesse had a ball there as Mum took him up to the staff room to show off her grandson to all her colleagues and he was given a toy Bunnings truck and forklift which has kept him entertained ALL DAY!! Yay for that!!

Then Sam dropped me and Jesse off at Mum's house so he could go and pick up the sandpit and chalk board from the layby. All the seats in the car needed to be laid down because I have such a small car LOL and so they're now sitting at Mum's and Sam will have to come and pick them up on his way home from work tommorrow evening.

While he was out doing that he went over to his parent's place to pick up the gifts and Christmas cards from the extended rellies over in New Zealand. He accidently brought a card home that was from his parents so after we finished our shopping we planned to drop it back off there. (To catch you up my in-laws (Sam's parents) have cut us out of the family and told us they would get back in touch with Jesse when he turns 16 so it's been about 6 months since they've seen me or Jesse and about 2 months since they've seen Sam and MIL hasn't spoken to me in along long time). See my question on in-laws in the Q&A section of Minti.

So then I went shopping at Priceline to get myself some new eyeliner for Christmas as my old one had broken and while there I decided to treat myself to some more shampoo, conditioner and foundation. YAY!!

Then it was back to the in-laws to drop off the Christmas card. In it read that we were welcome to come over Christmas day if we had the time, mind you they had told all the relatives that we wouldn't be coming over for Christmas because we weren't a part of the family anymore and when they rung Sam up a couple of days ago his Dad just said there are presents here for Jesse if you want to come pick them up. So there was no mention of an invite on the phone and although Sam's Mum wrote the card she has never once called us to speak to us on the phone or even bothered to come over and see us.  So now we're stuck in a pickle and rather confused as to what they're getting at. They told us we were cut out and then a few days before Christmas they write a nice card. But even though they had bought us gifts (well mainly Jesse) they didn't bother to send them to us or drop them off to us they just said come and pick them up. If I bought someone a present I would consider it common courtesy to send it to them or drop it off to them, not expect them to make the trip and pick it up themselves. What the?

So to cut a long story short Sam turned up at the in-laws while I waited in the car with Jesse and Sam's brother came out with all the presents (that's right his own parents didn't even come out to see him or give him the presents themselves, instead they're using Sam's brother as the messenger boy caught in the middle.). Anyway Sam said "No we're not accepting the presents from Mum and Dad because they cut us out of the family and now they have to live with their decision." And get this then his brother said "Can't you just take the presents and make them happy?" Well the answer to that was an obvious no, why would we want to make them happy for Christmas when they have hurt us all SO much. So then his brother continues "Don't be a d**khead and just take them. Just because Samantha had a whinge and now they can't see Jesse or give him presents." To which Sam replied "No, you don't even have the full story." And then he placed the presents on the driveway and walked back to the car.

Well never have I been so hurt in my LIFE!! I think Sam could tell I was upset but I told him I was fine. Anyway he walked in on me about 10 minutes later crying in the bedroom. I am just SO hurt and upset that it feels like my heart has been ripped out and stomped all over. I have been nothing but nice to my in-laws and Sam's whole family. I have NEVER EVER done anything nasty and if I have ever done something wrong (as everyone makes mistakes) I've always made sure that I apologised for it and made it up to them. And now for them to have gotten Sam's brother involved and blamed it all on me  I just feel absolutely CRUSHED!! I have always been so nice to Sam's brother and have never done anything wrong to him so why does he now automatically hate me? What have the in-laws said about me? I always bought his brother food to eat, gave him i-tunes money, let him use my i-tunes account and we even bought him a present this year despite being on a very very tight budget! And this is the brother who doesn't even come out of his room to speak to his own parents. Where are we going wrong? Now I'm just so worried that eventually Sam's other brother will start hating me as well and so will his uncle. It's like I'm losing a whole second family and so is Sam and all on hear-say. Nobody has even heard our side of the story yet.

I just feel like I've been walked all over. After everything I've done for them I still can do no right. I gave Jesse to Sam's Mum on my very first Mother's Day for a couple of hours which she took advantage of and kept him from 9am til 6pm that night. I became sick with Mastitis from not being able to breastfeed him and she fed him formula. Yet I handled the situation calmly and brought it up with them later although MIL didn't think she had done anything wrong and I never received an aplogy, then when Sam's grandparents came over from NZ I stayed with them for 2 weeks not long after I gave birth so that they could see him (although they barely did because MIL kept taking him off them), I brought Jesse along for what was supposed to be a family photo shoot with our joint families yet when all the prints came back they were just of MIL and my son, then for Jesse's first Christmas we were invited over for dinner at 3 to which I asked if we could come at 5 as my family was doing a lunch and Jesse would need to have a nap around that time - they agreed it was OK but when we turned up at 5 and still hadn't been served dinner by 7 we asked where the food was only to be told they'd eaten at 3!! The list goes on of all the stuff they've done to us but for some reason they have managed to manipulate everyone into believing them instead.

I never ever had a whinge at Sam and told them they couldnt' see Jesse. All I ever asked from Sam was for him to stick up for me instead of his mother all the time as his father was there to do that job and we are supposed to be a couple. Finally he started sticking up for our own little family unit and now all of this has happened. And even our psychologist Tony told him that when you start a new life with a partner you're supposed to side with you're partner not you're parents even if you're partner is wrong because you have decided to grow old together and start a family together. The psych also said it is a lot better to argue with someone outside the household than in the household because at the end of the day it's us 2 that share a bed not Sam and his parents. And I wasn't even there on the day Sam was cut out of the family so how on Earth could I have had anything to do with it? I wasn't even invited over that day, I was told I was not welcome and so how I can be blamed for them cutting us out is beyond my belief. Not to mention that Sam is the one who now wants to cut ties with them after the way he was spoken  to - NOT ME!! I would love for them to go back to being the same great in-laws they were before Jesse was born but now Sam says that's it they're cut out. And so it makes me feel even more horrible because I feel like I have caused all of this. And then I start feeling like I am going crazy and I begin to doubt my actions. I start thinking "Am I manipulative? Have I caused this family fall-out? Should I have been more lenient and let Sam side with whoever he'd wanted to? Should I have done some things differently? And with all my mental health sruggles atm this is the last thing I needed. I felt like I was getting back on track with all the work I've been doing with my social worker and now I've just hit rock bottom again. I just don't know where my heads at. I feel sick to my stomach, I'm tired and my eyes hurt from crying. I don't even know if any of this will make sense because I'm just pouring my heart out and my fingers can't keep up with my thoughts. I just can't type fast enough. And now because I have been down all day I am SO far behind in my housework, I haven't got anything organised for Christmas or any presents wrapped. I just feel so useless and hopeless and like such a bad mother and partner. I just . . I dunno . . hate it how these people can make me feel so darn right down about myself that I couldn't care if I lived or not. How do they have this power over me? Am I going crazy or is this all understandable given my situation? I just feel so alone . .