This post is from from my other blog here

Author: G. Susan Rivers, LMFT

Some couples seem to find themselves stuck in rigid and distressful patterns of communication. These couples report repeated bouts of hurtful conflict and continuous patterns of arrow slinging at one another. Hurting couples tell me what they want the most is a safe, loving, and peaceful relationship. But, what gets in the way? Fear! Fear often results avoiding vulnerability and closeness. The belief is that achieving closeness and/or vulnerability exposes my character defects, my weaknesses and my limitations. This fear of closeness and vulnerability actually sets us up for possible rejection, feeling unlovable and ultimately fear of abandonment. To avoid these fears we often withdraw, hide, attack or compromise our values.

Getting unstuck from these challenging patterns and moving toward experiencing a vibrant, loving connection is not just a dream, it can become a reality. Sometimes just a few modifications can create an amazing and lasting change.

So what to do? Consider adding the Three C’s to your relationship repertoire.

Comfort: Physical touch (affection) such as hand holding, stroking, gentle touching and safe holding (gentle hugs) communicates safety, security and connection. This is NOT about sex; it is about creating a safe place for emotional and physical bonding and healthy attachment.

Contact: Emotional contact includes spending quality time together, responding with good eye contact and active listening. Even if disagreeing, do so with respect and honor. This simple act reminds us we are connected. Sometimes anger or conflict is an act of protest that hopes for restoration and a stronger connection with the other. It can be an attempt to gain reassurance–to hear from the other that the relationship is secure despite the problem at hand. Try to reframe the “protest.” “Help me understand the good reason you are feeling upset.” Don’t make assumptions, but clarify and look for the “good intentions” (i.e., a need for reassurance, hurt feelings, fear, etc.).

Caring: Vulnerability and validity remind us we need others to help us process feelings. Vulnerability implicitly indicates that sharing feelings, fears, hopes, etc., can be used against us for hurt. It is here, though, that we elevate our willingness to be vulnerable over the need for self-protection and distancing. Caring allows for one another to help process difficult feelings without critical or judgmental finger pointing. There is safety and acceptance in a caring and secure relationship.

Our relationship security is directly related to how we navigate the “Three C’s.” We can continue with the rigid patterns of distress and destruction, refusing to give up our patterns of defend/attack/withdraw or we can ask for clarification and seek the “good intention.”

Vibrant relationships focus on bringing out the best in one another. These relationships create and maintain a bond of love and acceptance within a safe and secure environment. This bond allows for differences and builds a stable and reassuring emotional intimacy. Developing and maintaining successfully vibrant relationships hinges on a purposeful cultivation of mutual honor and respect. Perhaps this is why Proverbs 16:24 reminds us “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/building-a-vibrant-relationship-201305.html

About the Author:

G. Susan Rivers, LMFT, has been in private practice for over 20 years. She maintains a full-time practice in Goodyear, AZ. Susan has helped thousands create a pathway to freedom, creativity and vibrant living. For more information go to: www.gsusanrivers.com

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This post is from from my other blog here

Author: Garry Jacobs

Ordinarily, when we think of “success,” we envision a solid level of achievement that occurs over an extended period of time. Never does it occur to us that success can occur instantaneously, and even infinitely — contradicting our ordinary notions of what is logical and possible.

Such instantaneous vast results can occur when we shift our consciousness to the positive. When we overcome our limiting behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs, life outside ourselves tends to respond with sudden good fortune. Such wondrous occurrences are instances of what can be called as “Life Response.” With that in mind, here are several strategies to help you attract sudden and abundant success and happiness in life.

Accept the Given; That Which Life Puts Before You

Life is constantly putting situations before us that we can accept, neglect, or reject. If we accept and take up these givens of life, sudden good fortune can come our way. Consider which aspects of your life you’ve been reluctant to embrace. Once you understand the cause, make the concerted effort to overcome your reluctance or hesitation. Watch life suddenly and abundantly respond thereafter!

Reverse your Wanting Attitudes

The majority of the problems we encounter in life originate in our wanting attitudes. However, if we reverse ourselves and make them positive, life can suddenly and abundantly respond. Consider the negative attitudes you have towards other, and towards life itself. Then make a concerted effort to overcome one or two of the most problematic ones. When you do so, the infinite potentials of life will rush to your doorstep!

Make the Full Effort

We normally believe that putting out a certain amount of physical effort will produce a commensurate result. Though, this is of course true, there is also another perspective. It is that if we give in to life and make the necessary full effort — expending all of our energies — life will take over and complete the work in no time. As situations arise, consider where you can make a greater effort. Then take up that work in full. Thereafter, notice if life supports your effort with sudden good fortune.

Increase Your Psychological Strength

Inner, psychological strength is an important determining factor in your ability to succeed in life. We have seen that those who are strong succeed; while those who are weak fall back or fail. We have also noticed that if you make the effort to exercise strength in areas where you have demonstrated weakness in the past, life can suddenly and abundantly respond. Think about ways you have been, or are currently expressing psychological weakness in your work, in your relationships, or in other areas of your life. Consider what was, or is at the root of the problem. Now come up with a plan to exercise your strength, and then carry it out. Watch as life responds miraculously thereafter!

Increase Your Level of Organization

At first glance, “organization” does not seem like a very exciting topic for discussion. However, our own experience is that there is no faster way to attract success than by adopting a higher level of organization in life. There are a number of ways to organize yourself — through higher levels of cleanliness and orderliness, by further systematizing your accounts and records, by organizing your time through a to do list and calendar, and even by organizing your thoughts, ideas, and concepts for greater logic and clarity. Such efforts at higher organization have a tendency to attract sudden good fortune Consider various areas of life where you can raise your level of organization, and develop a plan for improvement. Then make the full effort to carry out your plan. Watch life suddenly and abundantly respond from all directions!

Increase Your Knowledge & Skills

In an ever more complex, technology-driven society, it is important to have the highest levels of knowledge and skills. Raising either will not only increase your capacity for success in your work, but the effort itself can attract sudden good fortune. Consider the critical skills that you lack in work or other areas of your life — including the technical skills required of your job; as well as interpersonal skills, such as listening, writing, presenting, communicating, capacity to work through problems, decision making, and so forth. Then develop a plan to upgrade them, and carry it out. Watch as opportunities open up for you from the most unexpected quarters!

Take Responsibility in Life

Throughout our lives, we are confronted by situations and circumstances that challenge our sensibilities. It is how we respond to these challenges that often determine whether or not we truly achieve in life. Those who take responsibility accomplish and grow as people. Those who blame others, or otherwise ignore the symptoms, achieve less and stagnate. By moving to a deeper level of consciousness, we can begin to perceive that everything occurring around us — including the negative situations and circumstance that come our way — are a direct reflection of our own inner condition. If we then “take responsibility” in such situations by discovering and then reversing the corresponding negative elements in our selves – i.e. in our false actions and behaviors, and in our limited attitudes, opinions, and beliefs — life outside us can suddenly respond with great fortune.

Give Objects, People Greater Attention

Everything in life — including people, objects, stocks of inventory, and money — respond positively to attention. Consider which individuals and what objects around you require more attention, and then come up with a plan for improvement. When you implement your plan, not only will the objects of your attention blossom before your eyes, but the infinite potentials of life can suddenly rush to your doorstep.

Grow by Giving

The happiest people have one characteristic in common –- they are continually giving of themselves. While most of us are fully absorbed in our daily concerns and routines — driven by our own needs, desires, and ambitions — the happiest of people literally lose themselves in the feelings, thoughts, and aspirations of others. Shifting your focus to the concerns of others has this extraordinary capacity to attract freshness and wonder.

Apply Personal Values in Your Life

A value is a belief, a mission, or a philosophy that is meaningful to you. Values can range from the commonplace, such as the belief in hard work, self-reliance, and punctuality, to more psychological values, such as concern for others, and harmony of purpose. Other examples of personal values are openness, tolerance, honesty, loyalty, perfection in work, respect for the individual, and family feeling. Applying personal values in the details of our daily lives generates a great power for success and happiness. Think about two or three important personal values that have shaped your life. Now develop several strategies to recommit to them. Or, come up with one or two new values, and fully implement them in each of your most critical daily activities. From that point on, life will continually be fresh, and filled with meaning and wonder.

Follow the Process of Growth and Accomplishment

Normally, when we make progress, it is a result of our response to the pressures and challenges of life. This is for the most part an unconscious form of growth. Conscious growth, on the other hand, takes place when we self-conceive that which we want to become. We consciously grow when we aspire to accomplish something, organize the details of our vision, and then carry it out until our vision becomes a living reality. Consider taking up a new opportunity, or developing a new skill, or making a major change in your career, or adopting an important personal value in your life. Begin by envisioning what you want to accomplish, and from there establish the major goals to achieve that vision. Then organize the goals into practical strategies and plans of action. When you systematically carry them out — supported by your highest high skills, your most positive attitudes, and by making the full, persevering effort — the infinite potentials of life will suddenly open up before you!

Use the Power of Spirit

Though we can take up any of the above strategies, there are often extenuating circumstances of life that are beyond our control. The net result is that despite our efforts, we may find ourselves short of our goals. However, by utilizing the power of Spirit, you can bring these random conditions under your control — enabling life to fully cooperate with your efforts at improvement. This can occur by opening to the spiritual Force that is there in the atmosphere before undertaking any activity Before you undertake any major activity, open yourself to the Force. Ask that its Light and Power come into the work or activity you are about to embark on. Later on, when you consider the progress you have made, you are likely to be astonished at the wondrous results that came your way. That is indicative of the vast power of the Spirit in our lives.

http://humanscience.wikia.com/wiki/Strategies_to_evoke_Life_Response

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/self-improvement-articles/strategies-to-evoke-life-response-194426.html

About the Author:

Garry is an American consultant on management and economic development with international experience in Western and Eastern Europe and Asia, especially India. He coordinates development of Human Science wiki, a portal applying principles of consciousness to all fields of human activity. For the past 35 years he has worked with The Mother’s Service Society, a social science research institute based in India applying spiritual principles in economic and social development, global governance, peace and security, management, psychology, education, literary criticism and spirituality. He served as Member Secretary of the International Commission on Peace & Food (ICPF) from 1989-95. He is Fellow and Trustee of the World Academy of Art and Science, and Chair of its Committee on Peace and Development. He is also partner in Mira International, a California business consulting firm and co-author of two books on the process of corporate growth.

www.humanscience.info

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This post is from from my other blog here

Author: Steve Roberts

We never think that our relationship will experience the tragedy of an affair. No one ever expects it, but it happens to so many nonetheless. Often, both partners want to put the relationship back together again. Here’s the blueprint for recovery.

The First Thing To Do Is To Go To A Couple’s Therapist.

Yes, I am biased about this since I am a couple’s therapist. But I’ve seen so many people come to me years after an affair and the wounds are still raw. The couple once thought they had put the affair behind them, but they really had not. Either the betrayed partner never really got over it, or the person who had the affair never really let go of the passion, attraction or dreams evoked by the affair.

So, do it right. Get some help. You’re too close to the problem to see it clearly.

For The Person Who Feels Betrayed:

Your reactions may range from wanting to get the person back at your side at any cost, to kicking him or her out at the least provocation. And, you may cycle from one to the other throughout the recovery process.

You can figure on at least a year to really get over most of it. It is a grief process. You’ve had dreams crushed and trust shattered. It will take a long time. You need a resource network besides your partner. That means friends, family, minister, counselor. Grief is sadness, and often depression and anger mixed in. You need to hear repeatedly that your partner is sorry and really means it.

Your biggest problem is that your partner is going to believe that the two of you should just put it all behind you and get on with life. He or she will think that what happened really didn’t matter that much, that relationship with you is what really matters, and now it is recognized. Your partner will want to just move on. You are not going to be able to do that. That’s why you’re going to need the help of that therapist.

For The Person Who Had The Affair:

You may think you know what your partner is going through, but you don’t. You will typically get over the affair fairly quickly and expect your partner to do the same. It doesn’t work this way.

If you’re going to be successful you’re going to have to learn to say “I’m sorry” on a daily basis, ad nauseum, for at least a year. It will be very trying for you because you just won’t get it. You won’t get how wounded your partner is, and how long the recovery is going to take. You won’t want to take full responsibility for how much harm you’ve created. You’re going to feel like it is all about beating up on and blaming you.

But you’re going to have to learn to live with it all. It is called the consequences of your behavior. None of us like this very much. It is difficult. But it is the real deal. To be successful in this recovery you’re going to have to shoulder the responsibility and really become a “big” person.What a challenge you face!

Trust:

Trust is merely my ability to predict your future behavior based on my observation of your past behavior. After an affair, trust has been ruined. Everything is brought into question. The partner who strayed needs to have the willingness to have all behavior now be totally transparent.

The only way to re-establish trust is to build up another large resevoir of past behavior that is trustworthy. The person who strayed always believes that trust should be re-established much more quickly than is actually possible.

The Outcome:

Many couples successfully overcome an affair and use it as a challenge for deeper growth together. Many do not. Many couples embrace the pain and mature as human beings. Many do not.

Many couples have two partners willing to put in the grit, perseverence and love necessary to make it work. Many have only one person willing to do so.

Successful recovery from an affair can be the hardest thing you will ever do in your lifetime. Are you up to it?

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/relationship-advice-how-to-recover-from-an-affair-6688.html

About the Author:

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This post is from from my other blog here

Author: James P Krehbiel

Inevitably, sometime within your parenting career, you will face a power-struggle with your child. If you don’t, you may be too intimidating, your child may be rather compliant, or you have mastered the art of managing conflict. Power-struggles occur due to a variety of factors, but invariably make a parent feel fatigued, frustrated, and helpless.

Power-struggles emerge as a conflict over demands, wants and needs. Parents will attempt to get their child to manifest certain desired behaviors while the child may choose to react to the request in a negative manner. Children demonstrate various techniques for “testing” their parent’s patience. They may cry, have temper tantrums, manipulate, avoid contact, become aggressive, and refuse to comply with expectations. Parents may employ various methods in trying to hold their children accountable regarding their requests. They use control, lecturing, pressure, guilt, bribery, sulking, or aggressive behavior as strategies to get what they want from their children. None of these methods generally work very effectively.

Parents who seek counseling will indicate that they have tried everything in their arsenal in an attempt to get appropriate behavior displayed by their children. Power-struggles may occur over issues such as schooling, household chores, and a child’s desire for more freedom, or a child merely wanting his own way. Power-struggles can be minimized if parents will change their tactics with their children. This process can be accomplished if a parent is open to new ways of managing problems:

Parenting is not about doing things the “right or wrong” way. If what you are doing isn’t working, shift gears and move in another direction.

Most power-struggles can be avoided by establishing meaningful, consistent, logical consequences. Children should be informed regarding the nature of positive and negative consequences. Fight the urge to engage and merely lay out the consequences for appropriate or inappropriate behavior.

Major in the majors. Don’t “lock horns” over issues of little consequence. If you do, the little issues will become major storms.

Involvement, teaching, role-modeling and coaching work better than power as a means of managing your children.

Never acknowledge or entertain temper tantrums. Distance yourself and isolate your child (time-out) until she is ready to respond rationally.

Don’t get “hooked” by your child’s behavior. Step back, take a deep breath, disengage, and set logical consequences appropriate to the offense.

Consequences for children should primarily be positive providing a preventative means of avoiding the potential for power-struggles. Unreasonable consequences imparted to a child while a parent is angry will serve to reinforce the power-struggle.

By all means, avoid power-struggles over schooling. Power-struggles over a child’s education are number one on the list. Rather than pontificate with children about grades, capabilities, and school failure, ask them to explore and make value judgments about their performance. On occasion, monitor their performance, but fight the urge to continuously confront them about their failures. Set positive consequences to encourage completed work. Emphasize the quality of their work (process) rather than grades (outcome). Utilize outside resources, if necessary, such as tutors, parent advocates, and counseling services rather than confronting educational issues yourself. Maintain a sense of involvement with your child that is not conditional upon school success. Ironically, it may break the power-struggle and generally lead a child to change his perspective about schooling.

Remember, you are the adult. Kids will always try to test the limits.

Make sure that your logical consequences that are based on negative behavior are reasonable. Consequences are designed to be used until improved behavior is observable.

Always explore problems rather than confront them aggressively. Have your children make value judgments about their behavior rather than you making judgments on their behalf.

Avoiding power-struggles involves setting appropriate limits for your children, being consistent in enforcing them, and being reasonable with the management of consequences. Remember, positive consequences are much more effective in leading to improved behavior and help eradicate power-struggles. Children will respect you more if you are significantly involved in a positive manner in your child’s life and choose to role-model the behaviors that you desire your children to emulate.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/how-to-avoid-powerstruggles-with-your-kids-80294.html

About the Author:

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S. LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

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