I am going back to brisbane on tuesday.. yay i think.  I dont know whats happening with me and michael.... he keeps calling me baby girl and bubba and says he misses me.... so i dont know if we are together or not.... and he's started talking to this chick who has a couple of kids and a bf, but i get this really strong gut feeling that either something has happened between them or he likes her.  I had a bf when we met and he still sweet talked me... and i know how he is and he could talk the feathers off a rooster.... he swears nothing has happened and he doesn't feel anything for her other than a friend... but i dont know... maybe i am just that insecure and jealous. 

It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of them together... even just talking... the fact he isn't talking to me about stuff.  Its damn near killing me, but I cant' tell him that.  I feel like the psycho ex girlfriend.  I know he needs someone to talk to, but he has Jo.... and if he wants someone with kids why cant it be another male?!  Why does it have to be a female?!  I met a guy up here last time (a friend of a friend), and we got on so well.  He has a little girl a month or two older than jess, and he was going thru some crap with the mother.  They ad just split up and she wouldn't let him see the kid and all that.  Anyway, he was the only person I had up here my age who knew what it was like having kids... I told Michael about him and he hit the roof!!!  I dont understand how him talking to this chick is different from talking to the guy?  Michael has mates down there... true non have kids but thats still better than what i have up here.. nothing... which is why it was good to meet someone my age with a kid.  But no... when its me talking tot he opposite sex, all hell breaks loose but when he talks to the opposite sex i'm supposed to be fine with it??!!

Spoke to Michael yesterday... we ended things for good this time... its hard but i feel like i made the right choice.  We are on good terms (atm anyway), and I am going back to brissi next week to sort everything out with our belongings... he said the only thing he wants is the computer, cuz its got all his pics of jess on it.  I told him if he gives me the money for it (i paid for it with the baby bonus), he can have it.  Its easy to buy a new computer (and i can always get one for free off my uncle anyways).  He still thinks it would be best if I terminated the baby, but said he isnt trying to push me, he just doesnt want me to go thru what i went thru with Jess.  But as I told him, I know what the signs are now, and I know when i need to get help.  With Jess, i thought it was normal... I thought every new mum felt like that in the few few months.  I now know differently.  So yeah.  I am glad things between us aren't bad (maybe a bit awkward, but not bad).  I am staying with him in brisbane for a bit, then i'm not sure where i'll be staying.... I hope i can get a gvt housing place quickly.  If not, i'm screwed.  I'm really nervous (ok... really SCARED) about this new baby... wondering if I will cope with 2 little ones.... but my best friend said she is behind me all the way, and whatever i need she'll help.  Plus I have all you wonderful people on minti , and good friends offf another site.  Plus I have YPP and all that as well... so really i should manage... the hard bit is going to be when the baby is screaming and jess is screaming... i can only do one thing at a time lol. 

I found out on wednesday that I am pregnant again.  I told Michael and he was not happy.. he wants me to terminate cuz he thinks we wont be able to cope financially and emotionally.  I think differently.  I dont want an abortion, and I especially dont want one cuz someone else wants em to have one.  He said if I am going to keep it there is no point me going back to brissi cuz we wont last (or something like that)... needless to say we had an argument about that.  Told mum yesterday... she said the same thing and is pushing for me to terminate.  I just cannot do it.  I dont believe in it (for me), unless there was a medical or psychological reason for it.  I just can't do it.  I have spoken to heaps of girls in the same position and they say do what I think is best for me, not what will make everyone else happy.  Which is true.  And I have heaps of support from friends and stuff in brisbane.  I plan on going back down there and putting my name of the goverment housing list.  That way, I havemy support and Michael can see the kids when ever he wants.  I know it sounds easier than it is, but I have got a plan, its just hard to put into words.  Its not like I will be completely alone... I have so many friends and I have the YPP group as well. 

Plus, i figure the only thing i will really need to buy is clothes if i have a boy.  Otherwise, for the time being I can uses Jess's old baby clothes.  The new bub can sleep in the portacot bassinette until jess is out of the cot (which wont be too long after #2 is born) and i wont need to buy a twin pram (even tho i want one), cuz jess can sit in the one we have and i can carry the baby in a sling or pouch.  Then when jess is walking i can put the baby in the pram.  I obviously will need to buy things here and there, but for the most part, I can get by. 

I just want my mum to respect my decision and why I have made it, rather than lecturing me on how irresponsable and stupid I am. 

i hav been in mackay for a couple of weeks... and i am soooo bored!! I hate this... not having anyone to hang out with, or talk to.  And jess misses the interaction as well.  I have tried finding other young mums around mackay, but its like they are all in hiding... there is none!!  I mean, i know they are there, they just never seem to be heard of.  Its driving me nuts!!  I am that bored, I get excited about taking my sister to school cuz it means i am out of th house for 10 mins!!