Here is the (reasonably short version) of whats happened since I last posted...

I went back to Brisbane, and agreed to have the termination.. mainly because I was so desperate to hang on to Michael.  I made the appointment, saw the counsellor and everything, tried to talk myself into why it was a good idea (didnt work).  I found out that he was dating the chick with the kids, and my step mum busted them together!!  She rang one night and I answered... she asked who I was and I said Michael's fiance.  She said he'd told her that he hadn't seen Jess since she was a month old, and a few other things, so I set the record straight.  The poor girl was apologising profusely, but I wasn't angry at her, I was angry at him.  But, being me, I decided to forgive and forget and try to move on.  That was when he started talking to his ex.  At first, I didnt think anything of it. He said she kept in contact with his mum frequently, so I let it go.  Then he started disappearing on the phone for hours.  Then one night, I went through his messages.  They were all to her saying how much he loved her and talking about being a family with her and her son and how soon they will be together, all the things he used to say to me.  I confronted him about it and he just shrugged it off and said that he didnt mean it, he just wanted to get back at her for what she did to him.

Just after that he went to his mums for a week.  I went to stay with my uncle while he was away.  After talking with my uncle and really thinking about things, I decided to keep the baby.  I was excited... then the next day i started bleeding.  It was only light, so my aunty and cousin kept an eye on me.  Whenever I rang Micahel, he always sounded as though he was distracted, or couldn't talk.  The day he didnt say 'I love you' was the day I knew it was well and truely over.  The day he got back (the week I was to go for my termination), he told me it was over.  I didnt react.  I was relieved, and even he knew it.  As I was still bleeding, I went to the doctor the next day.  She sent me for an ultrasound and they couldn't tell me anything.  I went to the hospital the day after that.  They did a blood test and it came back normal for 6 weeks... I knew then something was wrong because I knew I had to be at least 9 weeks along.  They did another ultrasound and still couldn't tell me anything.  After 8 hours, I was sent home, but told that if the bleeding got heavier or anything happened to go straight back in.

I got home, and Michael went to get dinner.  Iwent to pick Jess up to take her for a bath and got a sharp pain in my gut.  I felt like I was about to give birth, so I ran to the toilet.  Just as I sat down, I miscarried.  I was in shock... the was so much blood and I could see the sack in the bottom of the bowl.  I flushed it and started bawling.  My uncle rang and I told him what had happened and that Michael wasnt home.  He kept me talking til Michael got home, then he told Michael what happened.  The ambos rushed me to hospital again, and did another ultrasound.  They said it looked completely different from the one they did earlier and kept me in over night.  The next morning, the doctor toldme that the heart had stopped beating at 6 weeks and 6 days.  It was the day I was meant to have the termination.  I acted as if everything was fine, but inside I was dying (and still am).

A week later I moved to Mackay.  I started dating the guy I met (I wrote about him in an earlier blog.. the one with the kid).  Its been 8 months and we are talking about moving in together once I get a job .  Things ahvent been all smoothe sailing though.  Not long after we started dating, i went to get my depo injection.  The doctor asked if there was a chance I was pregnant.  We hadn't used protection, but I hadn't had any symptoms of pregnancy at all, so i said yes, but I highly doubt it.  A blood test was done and low and behold, it was positive!!  Brock told me it was my choice and what ever i decided he would support me 100%.  At first, I wanted to keep the baby, then I decided I wanted to give the baby up for adoption.  Then, after much thought, I decided to have a termination.  It felt completely different to last time- I knew I had the support no matter what I chose, so I didnt feel forced into my decision.  I also knew that we had only been together a matter of weeks, and neither of us were ready for another baby at that point in time- it wouldnt have been fair on the baby let alone jessi and us.  So, with his support, I had the procedure, and while I have my days where I wonder 'what if?' I dont feel bad about what I chose.  I know that I did it for the right reasons, and while I went against everything I believed, I am proud I had the strength to make my choice. 

Brock is amazing.  He treats Jessi like his own daughter, and while I have been scared to let them know each other, I realise that he loves me and Jessi for who we are, and  he accepts and loves that he doesn't just get me, he gets us both.  I have met his little girl, and she is the cutest little thing!! So much like him, and she adores me .  We are hoping to introduce the girls soon.  Custody has been an issue with Michael, and him and his girlfriend have split (again)... he wants me back but I got sick of being used as his back up, so i told him its me or her, he can't have both... he chose her so I let go.. and I feel great!!!  He's using his relationship problems as an excuse to not have Jessi, then turns around and says he wants 50-50 custody of her when he cant even commit to every 2nd weekend.  So im getting that sorted through the legal system.  I am trying to give them a positive realtionship, because no matter what he did to me, he's a good dad to her and she deserves to have him in her life.  I ring him several times a week so he can talk to her, and he knows that if he's ever in town he can see her whenever he wants.  I try to get as much contact between them I as i possibly can (which is hard when he lives an hour and a half away). 

On the whole, my life is looking up!  Im studying full time, Im slowly getting my licence, im saving up to buy a car... I know what i want outta life and I know what to do to get it!  Im not afraid to be me anymore, and Brock has been a big part in that, although I know I don't need him to make me feel special- but its nice hearing him say how sexy I am and how much he loves me.  Its taken almost 8 months for me to trust him, and he has earnt it every step of the way.  He has been so patient and understanding throughout everything, all while dealing with his own issues.  He takes the time  to listen to me, and knows that he doesn't always have to say or do anything other than just listen.  He also knows that when something needs  to be said, it is not sugar coated.  If he needs to say something or he has an opinion on something im going through, he says what needs to be said, not just what I want to hear. 

I am going back to brisbane on tuesday.. yay i think.  I dont know whats happening with me and michael.... he keeps calling me baby girl and bubba and says he misses me.... so i dont know if we are together or not.... and he's started talking to this chick who has a couple of kids and a bf, but i get this really strong gut feeling that either something has happened between them or he likes her.  I had a bf when we met and he still sweet talked me... and i know how he is and he could talk the feathers off a rooster.... he swears nothing has happened and he doesn't feel anything for her other than a friend... but i dont know... maybe i am just that insecure and jealous. 

It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of them together... even just talking... the fact he isn't talking to me about stuff.  Its damn near killing me, but I cant' tell him that.  I feel like the psycho ex girlfriend.  I know he needs someone to talk to, but he has Jo.... and if he wants someone with kids why cant it be another male?!  Why does it have to be a female?!  I met a guy up here last time (a friend of a friend), and we got on so well.  He has a little girl a month or two older than jess, and he was going thru some crap with the mother.  They ad just split up and she wouldn't let him see the kid and all that.  Anyway, he was the only person I had up here my age who knew what it was like having kids... I told Michael about him and he hit the roof!!!  I dont understand how him talking to this chick is different from talking to the guy?  Michael has mates down there... true non have kids but thats still better than what i have up here.. nothing... which is why it was good to meet someone my age with a kid.  But no... when its me talking tot he opposite sex, all hell breaks loose but when he talks to the opposite sex i'm supposed to be fine with it??!!

Spoke to Michael yesterday... we ended things for good this time... its hard but i feel like i made the right choice.  We are on good terms (atm anyway), and I am going back to brissi next week to sort everything out with our belongings... he said the only thing he wants is the computer, cuz its got all his pics of jess on it.  I told him if he gives me the money for it (i paid for it with the baby bonus), he can have it.  Its easy to buy a new computer (and i can always get one for free off my uncle anyways).  He still thinks it would be best if I terminated the baby, but said he isnt trying to push me, he just doesnt want me to go thru what i went thru with Jess.  But as I told him, I know what the signs are now, and I know when i need to get help.  With Jess, i thought it was normal... I thought every new mum felt like that in the few few months.  I now know differently.  So yeah.  I am glad things between us aren't bad (maybe a bit awkward, but not bad).  I am staying with him in brisbane for a bit, then i'm not sure where i'll be staying.... I hope i can get a gvt housing place quickly.  If not, i'm screwed.  I'm really nervous (ok... really SCARED) about this new baby... wondering if I will cope with 2 little ones.... but my best friend said she is behind me all the way, and whatever i need she'll help.  Plus I have all you wonderful people on minti , and good friends offf another site.  Plus I have YPP and all that as well... so really i should manage... the hard bit is going to be when the baby is screaming and jess is screaming... i can only do one thing at a time lol. 

I found out on wednesday that I am pregnant again.  I told Michael and he was not happy.. he wants me to terminate cuz he thinks we wont be able to cope financially and emotionally.  I think differently.  I dont want an abortion, and I especially dont want one cuz someone else wants em to have one.  He said if I am going to keep it there is no point me going back to brissi cuz we wont last (or something like that)... needless to say we had an argument about that.  Told mum yesterday... she said the same thing and is pushing for me to terminate.  I just cannot do it.  I dont believe in it (for me), unless there was a medical or psychological reason for it.  I just can't do it.  I have spoken to heaps of girls in the same position and they say do what I think is best for me, not what will make everyone else happy.  Which is true.  And I have heaps of support from friends and stuff in brisbane.  I plan on going back down there and putting my name of the goverment housing list.  That way, I havemy support and Michael can see the kids when ever he wants.  I know it sounds easier than it is, but I have got a plan, its just hard to put into words.  Its not like I will be completely alone... I have so many friends and I have the YPP group as well. 

Plus, i figure the only thing i will really need to buy is clothes if i have a boy.  Otherwise, for the time being I can uses Jess's old baby clothes.  The new bub can sleep in the portacot bassinette until jess is out of the cot (which wont be too long after #2 is born) and i wont need to buy a twin pram (even tho i want one), cuz jess can sit in the one we have and i can carry the baby in a sling or pouch.  Then when jess is walking i can put the baby in the pram.  I obviously will need to buy things here and there, but for the most part, I can get by. 

I just want my mum to respect my decision and why I have made it, rather than lecturing me on how irresponsable and stupid I am.