For the first time in my life i think i may be struggling to keep my head together.  I keep thinking i am hearing the dog (died a few weeks ago), not just normal dog noises but the noises she used to make.  Last night i was sitting on the computer and nearly crapped myself when I heard a noise that sounded very much like the funny little contented growl she would make when she was stretching.  Funnily enough her bed used to be in the computer room.  I wasn't the first time i have heard this either.

I am also having strange and disturbing dreams- dreams about not knowing where the kids are, or about having to find estranged family members.  I even dreamt about my old '84 carolla (first car) that it was now my car again and someone was trying to steal it, but i managed to pull this person out of my car and get away in the car (i think this is all about the feeling of going backwards in life and having to fight for everything i've got now, but at least it showed that i was strong enough to win- which was comforting in a way, i guess).  and other dreams, less specific but still stressful situations.

I have so much to think about and plan, i think my brain is going to explode.  I have always been such a stable and predictable person, under control and rational.  what the hell is happening to me.

I am not sleeping well- the foam mattress on the trundle bed isn't fun to sleep on, and Imogen has been teething the last few nights- YAY finally her 5th tooth has come through this morning and hopefully she will sleep through the night again tonight.   Last night I went to bed at 10pm, was up resettling Imy at midnight, Charlotte had a blood nose around 2 am, Imy woke again about 2:30, and again at 4 and I ended up feeding her, only to have to get up at 5:45 to get ready for work and left for work at 6:20.  So not really sure how much sleep i actually got last night- but i was struggling at work today to keep an 18 month old 1:1 trachy patient entertained constantly- very draining.  Then to come home to my own 3 and be enthusiatic about what they want to play with.  I am bordering on the edge of exhaustion right now.

Oh BLAH BLAH BLAH, I am such a whinger- get over it Josie!!!!  Your life isn't so bad, others have it much worse than you do, look on the bright side.

Oh great, now i am answering my own blogs- lucky for the counselling appointment tommorow!!!!!

do you think i'm going insane?????

Its time to come clean.  The anonymous questions about  "marriage in crisis" (and more info) was me.

I have made the decision that it is time to separate.  I am about to become a single mother of 3 young children.  He is now very aware that i have spent the last 11 years making him a better, more functional person and supported him through his lowest times.  He accepts that he should have put more back into our relationship and that I gave him many warnings and enough oportunities to do so.  Now I feel any efforts are too late- I just don't have those feelings any more.  I have been sucked dry.  I only ever asked of him what he was able to give at the time- when he was at his lowest, before the depression diagnosis, I protected him from everything and asked nothing of him.  Now that he is better, I was asking more of him and never got it- in fact his energies were being spent elsewhere.

I have made an appointment to see a counsellor- I really need some support in accepting that I have made the right decision here.  I feel physically sick when I think how this whole situation is going to affect the kids.  I can feel the guilt setting in because any negative effects will be directly my fault.  Its funny, now that he is better and taken everything from me, I am now the one needing help because I have nothing left to give to myself.  The tables have turned.

He is moving out when he finds a place to rent.  For now I am sleeping in the spare room, which has confused the kids.  I will try to keep the house so that the kids can have some as much familiarity as possible at this time.  We just have to budget really well to afford the mortgage and the rent between the incomes.  For now we agree that the kids wellbeing is more important than any issues that may be between us.

I forsee tough times financially, behavioural problems, stress, grief and guilt, and hopefully we can work through all of these as they arise.  If any one can offer advice I am open to it.

I have a new wardrobe.  I left the kids home today and went on a shopping spree with my sister.  I needed to, because i had about 4 items of clothing that still fitted me. 

Like most mums, i have been gradually putting on weight over the years.  i used to be a size 8-10 (like when i was 19). after the twins were born i quickly went back to my pre pregnancy size 12.  after imogen was born my weight got stuck and i had to buy some size 14-16s.  i thought i would never fit into my 10s again (i didn't think i was disciplined enough to lose weight)  and go rid of them (stupid me).  Now for the first time in my life i have lost weight.  Since October i have lost 15 kg, and still losing a bit (not intentionally).

All my regular clothes have been falling off me.  I thought i was a size 10, but actually had to get size 8s in some things- i was shocked- i didn't think my arse was a size 8 (not that i can really see it).

Mum thinks i am too skinny.  Mums always worry too much.  i have been trying to convince her that i am still within the healthy BMI range and I have had a checkup at the dr and he reckons i have never been healthier.

Now i have 2 separate sections in my wardrobe (think 'the many sizes of Oprah')- the falling off clothes and the clothes that actually fit.

now i just have to wear all these nice things.  i have a habit of buying things i would like to wear based on what i would like to look like, and then end up wearing 'practical mum's clothes'- jeans and trackie-dacks feature heavily.  And don't even think about adding a heel to my shoe.

it was a nice day out.  kept my mind off some of the negative stuff going on.  its been ages since i went shopping just for me.  usually its for the kids.  YAY for Target 20%off.

i am not getting rid of my larger clothes just yet.  i think once i stop breastfeeding i may put on a bit of weight.

As requested: the after shot of the first easter egg:

Our easter weekend:

Friday- nothing exciting.  I did a fair bit of cleaning, cleaned out some paperwork in my walk in robe and found my old school uniform.  Someone said- 'i wonder if it fits again now you have lost weight', so i tried it on.  12 years and 3 kids later it fits, yay!

Saturday- more cleaning.  had mum and dad and sister over for dinner, easter egg hunt with the kids and then a 4 way game of totem tennis in the backyard- hilarious- didn't know which was the ball way going and we were all pissing ourselves laughing.

Sunday.  more cleaning.  Hubby went rollerblading with a friend. I have the video evidence that proves why a tall, overweight, uncoordinated and unfit male should not rollerblade.  30 seconds into it and he earned a head injury.  3 cm cut and bump above eyebrow- silly boy.  And he still continued with repeated falls!!   I also spent my first night away from Imogen when I escaped to my sisters house....with breast pump.  We had a quiet night in- did some rune readings for fun (not something i completely believe in or well practiced at but with interesting results, mind you), and watched Mr and Mrs Smith- it was on TV, but my sister decided to put on the DVD to skip the ads.

Monday (today)- pottered around in the morning.  Wanted to take the kids to the Botanic Gardens after lunch but there were NO CARPARKS.  we drove around town for ages (2 cars), gave up and drove another 20-30 minutes to the beach instead.  My sore calf muscle got its first real test walking through the sand.  its still a bit stiff and sore but much better and healing quickly.  Imogen got a takeaway breastfeed.  Charlotte got shoved in the back by lachlan, walking on the path back to the car and ended up with grazes and multiple bandaids- lucky for the nappy bag supply (I know my kids)  

trying to upload some pics, but the stupid thing isn't working properly (AGAIN!!!!!!).

 beach today, breastfeeding and strolling (multitasking, LOL)

school uniform, still fits 12 years later (class of '97)

I just had to share this.  Imogen, 10 months old, just did a poo in her nappy.......no big deal, happens all the time.  But before i discovered her little present for me, I found that she had crawled into her room and had grabbed a nappy (a swim nappy from her bottom draw) and was whinging to get my attention.  Coincidence?...............probably.  But being the eternal optimist, I like to think it was intentional.  Clever little mite!  knew her nappy had to be changed and told me  to do so.

i've been to the physio for my torn calf muscle today.  we are looking at a 2 week recovery and no netball for 4 weeks and at least a week off work.

It does feel a little better today though.  there is a bit more movement without ending in excruciating pain with the slightest muscle contraction.

hopefully all the exercise i have done recently counts for something in terms of recovery time (netball twice a week and walking the kids to and from kindy twice a day 3 times per week).

thankgoodness for the minti activity page to keep me entertained!  you may have noticed my name come up a lot today! he he he, yes i did take some short breaks to do some cleaning and washing.  and i also started journalling for each of the kids today- they have their own journal which i am now writing in their special events, personality traits, likes and dislikes and things they are good at (hopefully we will look back one day and see that mummy was right about them all along, LOL)  I am creating the evidence......and the memories of course.

i have a headache now- too much computer time today, not enough fresh air.

Played netball this morning.

2 minutes before the end of the game i landed from a very small jump and felt a pop in my leg.  there goes my calf muscle.  ouch.   Dr confirmed a torn "monkey" muscle.  it seized up and now no longer lets me walk.

if it was due to some spectacular leap through the air for the ball, or from a cringe-worthy fall i might understand why this happened.  truth is, I wasn't even trying- we were being flogged, the game was nearly over and i was playing a position that was not mine.  all i did was put my foot down and suddenly I was hurt.

Lucky for prams.  At least I have a mandatory walking frame.  scored a week off work too.  there goes the penalty rates....oh damn- easter public holiday rates too, this was GOING to be a good pay.  and a good excuse not to do housework.

Any ideas on how I can get the kids to slow down to hobbling pace so I can catch them?

seeing the physio tomorrow (luckiliy that is the kids usual childcare day anyway-since I should be at work), and hopefully will know more then about recovery times.  But the rest of the day I will probably spend on minti, LOL, so keep that activity coming so I don't get bored.

I have just spent the weekend fixing up the garden.  we pulled out dead plants (thanks to the drought), planted more plants (hopefully the rain is coming), made the garden edging visible again (the gound cover and grass had merged over the top of the concrete edging) we had a truck load of bark chips delivered.

after a weekend of cleaning, planting, and shovelling a truck load of bark chips, i am a bit sore and worn out.  but it looks so pretty now.

shame i haven't had time to clean the inside of the house- it never looks all good at the same time.

2 blogs in one day!

i just had to write about imogen.  she has just woken up and learned a new trick.  instead of vocalising to let us know she is awake- she has just leant to rattle the cot side for something different.

she is developing SO FAST the last couple of weeks.  a new tooth, standing really well, taken her first step, eaten her first sandwich (well, kind of), started smiling with her nose screwed up (cute), today she waved goodbye for the first time when my sister left our house, she's learned to clap and starts dancing when you sing to her.  all this in the space of 2 weeks.  she turns 10 months old in 3 days but seems so much older and so bright.  she just seems to be growing up so much faster than the other 2 did.

my baby is growing up.

another few weeks and I will be planning the first birthday.  scary!

A few weeks ago I found the most disgusting thing in my kitchen pantry- GRUBS.

There had been some moths around the house.  I didn't think much of it until I found a couple of grubs in my pantry.  OH OH, they are breeding- EEWWWW, in my food.  I immediately cleaned out the entire pantry and found they had settled in to a bag of nuts that had a clamp on them (obviously didn't work).  Anything that wasn't sealed got chucked!  YUK YUK YUK.

So, when another kindy mum said she was having a Tupperware party, I jumped at the invite.  MY TUPPERWARE IS COMING TODAY, all $500 worth- TAKE THAT PANTRY MONSTERS.  I am so excited.

hhmmmmm, am I sad being so excited about plastic ware- I think I need to get a life!?

Yesterday I was picking the kids up from kindy and we were walking back to the car.  usually we walk on the path but since we were nearly at our car we were walking behind the cars in the car park.  Imogen was on my hip, Lachlan was holding my hand and Charlotte was holding his hand- so were were all together (but since I only have 2 hands I couldn't hold everyones).  We got behind this tarago 2 cars away from ours, and the reverse lights came on- i said "quick Charlotte", but straight away this car started reversing, giving us no warning and nearly running her over.  Stupid woman- doesn't she realise its a school car park and there are kids everywhere.  you don't just lead foot the accelorator in reverse.  Any idiot knows you look around really well and when you do start moving you go slow.  to me its common sense.

Anyway, the guy in the car next to hers said to me "she gets no points for driving skills" when I got back to my car (he was also parked next to me on the other side), which made me feel a little better.  I said back to him- "yeah, but it gave me a mild panic attack!"

Charlotte and Lachlan also had their immunisations yesterday.  Charlotte didn't even flinch, let alone cry.  she was very brave.  Lachlan's needles went in and it took him a few seconds before he realised that it hurt and started crying.

Ripley (the dog) had her euthansia needles 2 weeks ago, and the kids knew that she had needles and then died.  I was a little worried that they might remember this and associate needles with bad stuff.  I didn't bring this up again, but told them in the car on the way there that they were having needles to stop them from getting sick- it was all good though.  they didn't panic, nor did they say anything about the dog.  So I must have done something right.

meanwhile for the 2nd time this week, I am sick.  on saturday it was gastro, luckily short lived, and by sunday, although still dehydrated I was feeling better.  Now I have a throat infection.  went to the dr today to see if I needed antibiotics to get rid of it (i want to get rid of it fast, before my next shift, because I am working with the cancer kids now, and most of them are immunocomprimised) but he siad it was viral.  My lymph nodes are killing me, my whole neck hurts, right up to my ears. I am trying not to let it affect my tolerance of the kids.  Its not like I have even worked that hard at work this week.  I even had an orientation day (for a ward that I have been working on and off for 7 years, work that one out) which ended up be "self directed learning" because I could orientate the other girl who was having orientation with me.  I think the department might have too much money to spend if they can pay for a whole shift orientation for a senior nurse.  everyone I told about it laughed- as did I.