I was walking Emma home from school and caught myself being vague in my instructions to her . She wanted to run ahead of me, I assumed to hide, so I said "don't go too far ahead"! I then proceeded to worry about how far ahead she would think WASNT too far. Fortunately she hid in the usual places, so all was fine. But it got me thinking! I remember some time ago Izzy saying that she found her son responded best when she gave him instructions with a short explanation of why. I had found Emma exactly the same, whereas other children seemed to do as they were told (sort of) without the reasons being given to them at that age. Perhaps it's the personality type. However, I dont think Im the same type of personality type as Em at all, and yet I always like to know why when given an instruction! I've had that a bit since Em started school - her head teacher writes Newsletters home almost as a set of instructions, all without explanation. I see red regularly!

Anyway, all that turned my mind to SMART, which I was taught in a management module at college. For the uninitiated, it stands for

• Specific,
• Measureable,
• Achieveable,
• Realistic, &
• Time-related.

When I'd said to Emma "Dont go too far ahead", I certainly wasnt Specific. I'd relied upon common sense, which lets face it, 5 year olds dont have much of. How can they? They have so little experience to remember.  It's such a memory-dependant thing, as I'm finding out with my mum (who has dementia). What I'd meant was "dont go so far ahead you can see or hear me if you need my help".

Measurable - I usually say "dont go out of sight" or "dont go further than the next lamp post".

Achieveable - I suppose in this instance I was trusting her to go ahead as I knew she'd done it sensibly before, but without giving her instructions as to how to achieve the "not too far" I had asked her to guess at how to achieve it, setting her up for failure.

The moment the fear set in I knew I hadnt been Realistic - my little daydreamer could easily get carried away and run too far ahead.

So although I knew that the activity was achieveable and realistic, in that she'd done it before, I also knew that by not giving her proper instructions, I was risking that she would guess and get it dangerously wrong. I know that my 5 year old daughter still needs lots of guidance if she's going to get it right. 

Time-related - well, I suppose I could have told her to only run ahead for the count of 20, or to come back in 2 minutes if I hadnt found her hiding place.

Anyway, I hope that by sharing these ramblings, I will at least have cemented these lessons in my own brain, and perhaps given others food for thought. I always feel that in giving Emma reasons, appropriate to her age of course, that I am treating her with some respect and also teaching her to think a bit. Because there ARE reasons for life's rules, both as children and as adults. I know my SIL has turned to her mum on plenty of occasions since becoming a mum herself and said "NOW I know why you used to do/say that to us - I had NO idea why then!" IMO, so much better to obey rules because you agree with them than out of blind duty.