Hi guys - This was sent to me via email and I thought that you would really appreciate it . . .

These are from a book called  ' Disorder in the American Courts ' , and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place 

ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active? 

 WITNESS:      No, I just lie there. 

 ____________________________________________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 

 WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

 ______________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 

 WITNESS:        Yes. 

 ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory? 

 WITNESS:       I forget. 

 ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 

 _____________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

 WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 

 ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you? 

 WITNESS:    My name is Susan! 

 ______________________ ________________ 

 ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? 

 WITNESS:     We both do. 

 ATTORNEY:  Voodoo? 

 WITNESS:     We do. 

 ATTORNEY:  You do? 

 WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo. 

 ______________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 

 WITNESS:   ;  Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

 ____________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 

 WITNESS:      Uh, he's twenty-one. 

 ________________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken? 

 WITNESS:     Are you shittin' me? 

 ______________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 

 WITNESS:      Yes. 

 ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time? 

 WITNESS:     Uh.... I was gettin' laid! 

 ______________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right? 

 WITNESS:      Yes. 

 ATTORNEY:    How many were boys? 

 WITNESS:      None. 

 ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls? 

 WITNESS :     Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

 ______________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated? 

 WITNESS:     By death. 

 ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated? 

 WITNESS:     Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? 

 ______________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual? 

 WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard. 

 ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female? 

 WITNESS:     Guess. 

 _____________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 

 WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

 ______________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 

 WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? 

 ______________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 

 WITNESS:      Oral. 

 ______________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 

 WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M. 

 ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time? 

 WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! 

 ____________________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

 WITNESS:      Huh...are you qualified to ask that question? 

 ______________________________________ 

 And the best for last: 

 ______________________________________ 

 ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 

 WITNESS:      No. 

 ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure? 

 WITNESS:      No. 

 ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing? 

 WITNESS:      No. 

 ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 

 WITNESS:      No. 

 ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor? 

 WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 

 ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 

 WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law 

____________________________________