Our calm regime seems to be working (see advice).  We are getting more done, less stress and on the whole less confrontations.  Yesterday R was only sent to his room twice - and today not at all (yet!).  That is a big improvement.  Obviously some of it is to do with age as well as being determined and strong willed, but the big difference I notice is that he is less violent.  He has been very rough on his sister and that seems to be improving (after many discussions, punishments etc...) much to my relief. 

Otherwise he has been lovely - lots of hugs and "i love you"s.  He even told his sister this morning he loved her and was a bit put out that she didn't reply straight away.  Of course she said "love you" back, then pulled away from him and ran to mummy.  Funny girl...