I was hoping I’d be coming in here soon to share good news with you all, announcing my pregnancy. But heartbreakingly, my pregnancy is over.

I had a weird feeling from the start about it, with the late BFP (positive preg test), no symptons etc. But you know, I was thinking positive and telling myself it was all going to be fine.

Yesterday morning when it all started happening, it was just heartbreaking. It hit me so hard. Poor Isabella couldn’t understand why I was so upset, it broke my heart seeing her so worried and going up to Michael, saying "Mummy cwy-ing".

Its been a lot different to the last little angel baby we lost. This time it seems I’m having a complete miscarriage rather than a missed miscarriage. My body isn’t holding onto it this time, so I won’t be needing a d&c at this stage. But then again, its more graphic I guess this way. It isn’t easy, either way.

I didn’t end up having to go to hospital yesterday morning, thank God. (The emergency procedure at the hospital last time was such an awful experience, it really prolonged it.) Yesterday I had a scan, followed by a blood test, then spoke to my Dr on the phone this afternoon. She confirmed my hCG had dropped since my b/t last week & there was no sac.

I rang my Mum to tell her what had happened. So nice of her to say "better it happen now than later" and considerately reminded me of a family friend who’d lost a child at a day old and that they’ve never gotten over that. She then asked me if I’d seen the new photos of my cousin’s baby girl and started raving on again about her and her partner’s new job. Such a heartfelt person my Mum.

Thank God I am not like my MUM!!!

I rang and told Dad last night. He was completely different, in tears on & off, and I’m sure he shed a few more when he got off the phone.

Emotions ran high between Michael and I yesterday, and we said things that upset each other, but otherwise we are helping each other get through this.

Isabella, my little shining ray of light... Oh I feel even more fortunate now to have such a beautiful little princess in our lives. She truly has lifted me through this.

I just can’t believe it, its all extremely gutrenching, yet very surreal. On Sunday I was pregnant, today I’m not. :(

May our two little baby angels be holding hands in heaven, watching over us.

Ky *;-)

I am a HUGE Newcastle Knights supporter and just wanted to celebrate tonight's win in here with you all!  (Whether you be a Knights supporter or not...) We may not have played the best team in the comp tonight and we got off to shaky start, but we finished strong and I'm proud of my blue and red boys. Go you mighty Knights in 2008!

Who do you all support?!

Ky *;-)

Hi everyone!

Thought I better pop in here and say HI to you all! I hope you and your families are well. :)

My last blog, I was a bit down about how Dad sounded on the phone. But I’m happy to report he sounds much better now! He’s been keeping in contact and we’re backing to chatting at least twice a week like we use to. I think when I spoke to him that day he sounded awful, I think he was drunk. He probably is still drinking heavily like he’s done all his life, but now we talk at a set time every week, so I think he stays sober for that, thankfully. Otherwise I think he’s taking reasonable care of himself and sounds like he’s working hard at his job, so he’s getting back on track.

We got a new dog a few weeks ago! His name’s Cisco and he’s a Kelpie X Pomeranian. He’s 9mths old and we got him from Animal Welfare. A shy dog to start with but he’s built up his confidence now. He was scared of Isabella at first! Maybe his previous owners had young kids that freaked him out. But he’s good with Isabella now and of course I never leave them alone together. I’ll attach a photo of him to this blog.

All else is good. Michael and I have improved our relationship, well sort of lol. I’m a lot happier with it anyway.

My brother’s in Dubai DJ’ing on a cruise ship. He’s been over there for about 5wks or so. Going to get his contact number and ring him this week. Haven’t spoken to him in a while. Spoke to Mum tonight and she said he’s doing well over there.

Can’t wait for the footy to start FRI NIGHT, YEEHA! GO U KNIGHTS!

Here’s a photo of my gorgeous girl, wearing her beanie the other day when it was 32degree! LOL.

Have a great rest of the weekend, Ky *;-)

Isabella

Cisco

I just got off the phone to Dad and I'm totally disheartened and upset again. My Dad's 53 and it felt like I was talking to an 80+ yr old. It was awful. My Dad is on a path of self-destruction and doesn't want to help himself, let alone anyone help him. I don't know if I can stand by and watch it happen. He said he was going to keep ringing me every weekend, so we'll see how we go from here. But I can't just go along being so upset about talking to him every week. I really hope he starts looking after himself for the first time in his life, but I think that's just not going to happen. Its really sad and it upsets/angers/hurts me, but what can I do?! I will keep talking to him for as long as I can, but there's going to be only so much I can take.